


don't take the money

by renlybaratheon



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: 10 Things I Hate About You AU, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Complete, Happy Ending, M/M, Sort of enemies to lovers in that they annoy each other a lot first, some angst some burning, still in high school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-11-05 03:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 118,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11004600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renlybaratheon/pseuds/renlybaratheon
Summary: Matthew Lynch can't date until Ronan does, and Gansey's solution is to pay one of their classmates to go on a date with him. One guess who.





	1. Mission: Raven's Mate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title taken from the great bleacher's song.  
> also hi enjoy this 10 things i hate about you au, which was both inspired by the movie and by pynchs' [great post](http://grantaire.tk/post/160784417931/hear-me-out-a-pynch-10-things-i-hate-about-you)

Matthew Lynch was in love. Okay, maybe love was going too far, but he was pretty sure he just had the most beautiful date in the world with the most beautiful girl in the world. Except it wasn’t a date. It was a tutoring lesson in French with his tutor, Julia, who he was pretty sure wasn’t even into him until at the end of their last lesson she asked Matthew point blank out on a date. He wanted to die, figuratively, having been obsessed with Julia for months since their tutoring lessons started. She was beautiful and funny and a couple years older attending Henrietta's public school. And she liked him.

The only problem was he wasn't allowed to date. His older brother Declan had become extremely overprotective when he became his guardian and the head of the household. So he knew if he asked he would get the same answer he's been getting from him since he first asked in middle school.

"You aren't dating until Ronan does."

"But Ronan doesn't date!" Matthew argued once. "He has an allergic reaction to people."

"Exactly." Declan appeared proud about this. It was basically a foolproof plan. Ronan definitely wasn't going to date until long after Matthew was already out of the house, and he wasn't sure he could wait until graduation. That was a long time from now.

"So you don't date," Declan said. "Simple as that. I'm doing what's in your best interest, Little Bro. Focus on your education. You have plenty of time when you're older to date."

Rehashing that conversation wasn't going to benefit either party, especially when Declan was already getting suspicious that Matthew and Julia were getting too close.

This left Matthew at a loss. Since he started paying attention to this sort of thing, Ronan hadn't shown interest in anyone ever. Except maybe Luke Skywalker when they watched Star Wars. He was pretty sure he was into that space farmer boy aesthetic, but he wasn't a real person. So this left him with a problem.

Matthew loved his brother, but he was angry all the time, and since their parents died he wasn't even enjoyable to talk to anymore. He kept to himself, in his room or out in the barns. He adopted a bird. Though he still had Gansey and Noah, it was different with them too.

After trying to come up with plans with Julia during their latest study session, and coming up with nothing instead, Matthew knew there was only one solution left.

It was a few days later when he next saw Gansey, who dropped by to visit Ronan.

"Hey, Matthew," he said, barely getting two feet into the house before Matthew realized he could use his help and made a weird sound under his breath. "How are you....?"

"I need to ask you something," he said, and at once he grabbed Gansey's shirtsleeve and dragged him upstairs and to his room. Once he shut the door he fumbled for the remote to his speaker system and turned it on, blasting music loud enough no one could hear them outside his room. Gansey stood silent through all this, staring at him peculiarly. He always liked a mystery, so it wasn't a surprise he didn't promptly leave.

When Matthew felt there was no chance of Ronan or Declan hearing him, he sighed and slumped down onto the bed. Gansey slowly ventured forward and sat down beside him, staring at him with such heavy concern.

"You okay there, Matthew?" he asked.

"I'm fine. I don't want anyone eavesdropping," he said.

"Okay...." Gansey glanced toward the doorway and Matthew realized he looked a little off with all this behavior.

So he blurted out in one breathless heap of words what his conundrum was, about Declan's deal and how he really wanted to break it because of Julia, and how impossible it intentionally was because Ronan wasn't exactly the boy people wanted to take home to their parents. Not recently.

"I can talk to Declan for you if--" Gansey moved to stand.

"No!" Matthew clung to his arm in a panic. He shook his head so much he made himself dizzy. He wasn't getting it. "Don't do that," he said. "I don't want him to know I like my tutor. He'll get weird."

"I don't understand."

"Is Ronan..." Matthew felt weird asking this. "Do you think he's ever going to date?"

Gansey laughed. Matthew was not amused. Upon gathering this wasn't a joke, but a genuine question, Gansey quickly realized his mistake in laughing and stopped. He began to fiddle with his glasses. "I'm not sure actually," he admitted.

Matthew was at a loss.

"Has he shown interest in anyone?" he asked. He was reaching. He could tell by the look in Gansey's face, who was not completely involved in this.

"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "I don't pay attention."

"Well, shit." Matthew went quiet and the conversation lulled as the heavy rock music he put on created a heavy undertone of what felt like hitting a rock wall.

"Matthew!" Gansey gaped. "I don't think I've ever heard you curse before."

"I'm upset!" Matthew soured. "I'm going to die alone."

Gansey gripped him on the shoulder. "You are not going to die alone," he said.

"I'm going to leave high school never having dated," Matthew corrected, though it felt like the same thing.

"Can't you just date in secret?" Gansey suggested. Matthew looked him at crossly, and shook his head.

"I don't feel that's appropriate," he replied.

Gansey said nothing. Matthew was losing faith in ever getting to go on a date. Stupid Declan and his stupid rule.

"Can you help me?" he said, finally getting around to the point. "You're his best friend? Maybe talk him into dating?"

Gansey looked at him with a twisted smile and a high brow. He laughed. "That would require a much deeper conversation about being a normal, nice person to people," he said.

Matthew huffed. "Gansey, our parents died not that long ago," he said. While he didn't like that his brother became hard to talk to, he understood at least why.

"Yeah, but you seem fine," Gansey replied.

Matthew chewed his lip. Gansey was a good friend to Ronan, but didn't always say the most appropriate thing. And it was even harder to lately with Ronan when it was so easy to forget why he became such a dick in the first place.

"Maybe I should talk to him myself--"

"No, I can do it." Gansey took off his glasses and started wiping them with his shirt. "I'll be gentle I promise. He's my best friend after all. I know how to talk to him."

Matthew hoped so. "Okay, thanks, Gansey," he said. He breathed with relief as he prayed Gansey could get through to him. He went and turned off the music, and felt a pat on his shoulder from Gansey.

"Of course, Matthew. It'll be easy."

 

~~~~~

 

Gansey found Ronan in the barn, hauling bales of hay from the back of his truck. When he saw Gansey approaching, he acknowledged him with a head tilt. His expression soured into a scowl when Gansey came closer.

He put on his politician smile as he said, "Hey, Ronan. I wanted to ask-"

"No."

Ronan turned with a large bale of hay and walked it into the barn. He dumped it with the rest in the corner and wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand. Gansey followed him inside, avoiding getting hit when Ronan whipped around to go fetch another bale of hay.

"But you didn't even-"

"No." Ronan kept walking, from the truck to the barn to the truck again, ignoring Gansey fumbling after him. He found Ronan impossible.

"How can you possibly-"

Finally, Ronan stopped, and he turned into Gansey with his familiar displeased expression.

"You have that weird smile you do when you know you're about to ask something I'm not going to like," he said. "The answer is no. I don't care what the fuck it is. It's no."

He walked off again toward the hay bales still left in the truck's bed.

"But I-"

Ronan only looked at him for another moment and Gansey surrendered.

"Fine fine." He sighed. This was harder than he thought it would be. He was going to have to go another route.

 

~~~~~~

 

He met up with Noah the next day at school. During lunch, after Ronan disappeared off to wherever he liked to be alone on campus, Gansey put an arm around Noah as they walked around and inclined his head so he knew this was private stuff.

After telling him what the mission was, Noah laughed. 

To pay someone to go on a date with Ronan. Gansey found it ingenious. Apparently Noah did not.

When he saw Gansey wasn't laughing with him he stopped and pulled out from under Gansey's arm.

"Oh, you're serious," he said.

"Matthew really wants this," Gansey reasoned. "He wants to date, and I agree that it's unfair Declan set up such an archaic rule."

Noah shrugged. "I think it's kind of endearing," he said.

"Noah."

"I don't know." Noah looked away. "Heartbreak sucks."

Gansey could agree to that. But he was enjoying his time with a girl he had recently started seeing who he met at the local pizza place nearby. He hadn't told the guys yet, but he wanted Ronan to feel the way he felt with her. That it could be as great for Ronan as it's been great for him.

"Plus, Ronan really deserves to be happy," he added. Noah turned back toward him and frowned.

"To be happy?" He sounded like he didn't agree. "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Ronan being happy, but I don't think paying a guy to take him out is the best way of achieving that."

Gansey waved a hand at him. "It could be the jumpstart of something," he said. "Don't think so negatively."

Noah looked at him square in the eye and shook his head. "You're expecting too much from this."

Gansey ignored him and pressed on. They walked through the halls and out into the open campus. It was nice out today, cool but not cold. Gansey touched at his tie as he examined campus during lunch hour, checking out everyone who walked by. He wondered who would be worthwhile to talk with.

"Who do you think we could talk to?" he said aloud, to Noah who looked less enthused as he eyed those that passed them.

"You mean pay," he said. Gansey was not impressed that he wasn't as into this as he was. Didn't he want to help out Ronan and Matthew? "Explain to me again how this won't backfire huge in our faces?" said Noah.

"It just has to be one date," Gansey argued. He then realized there were some discrepancies in the plan. "I'm assuming. Declan didn't articulate to Matthew whether it was an ongoing relationship or one date that opens the floodgates of possibilities."

"Floodgates of... You're really into this," Noah laughed, looking at him absurdly.

Gansey shrugged. "Ronan should be happy," he said.

"You mean Matthew?" Noah asked, but Gansey was no longer listening.

"Come on," he said, walking again through campus. Noah followed, albeit less enthused. "Who do you think Ronan would say yes to?"

"I dunno." Noah looked around. He scratched at the back of his head while he took in their surroundings. "He made out with Cheng that once at a party remember?"

"That was before." Gansey frowned. "He's terrified of him now."

"Everyone is." Noah looked in the direction of the parking lot as he sighed. "They don't get him."

They found Ronan all too easily at the center of the parking lot, standing next to his truck. He hadn't driven the BMW he inherited from his dad since before his parents died. He was throwing his backpack around in frustration, and then he turned and started kicking at his car tire instead when his backpack went too far. While Gansey and Noah were far enough, those around Ronan in the parking lot scurried away fast as they were forced to move past him. They stared after him as they walked. Ronan took note of his onlookers and glared in their direction. They hurried faster as if he just yelled or threatened them, when he didn't say a word as far as Gansey could tell. This was exactly the type of situation he wished could be prevented if Ronan could just find some way to be happy again.

Noah pointed toward the parking lot as he turned back to Gansey. 

"There's literally no one at this school who a, is into guys _and_ b, is unafraid of Ronan," he said. "You've set yourself up for failure here, Gansey."

"Even for a little extra cash?" Gansey was dismayed by Noah's skepticism.

"I don't think any amount of money in the world is enough for anyone here," said Noah. Together they watched as Ronan continued to kick at his truck. "He's too emo and standoffish. Everyone else practically pisses themselves when he makes eye contact. Which can be funny when it's the right people." Noah smiled a little, probably remembering a time when Ronan scared someone they didn't like.

But Gansey wasn't defeated yet. He still watched Ronan, and spotted someone else in the parking lot retrieve Ronan's bag which he had thrown. They moved to offer it to him, stretching out their hand holding it in his direction. Ronan turned and glowered, and the other student didn't even flinch. They waited patiently until Ronan grabbed the bag from their hand. Gansey leaned in, squinting his eyes to try to see better without having to move much closer, and he saw Ronan say something, although he was unsure what. Whatever he said, the other student looked to laugh as he walked away.

"Shit." Gansey grabbed Noah's arm.

Noah was startled and flinched. "What?" he said. "What is it? I was looking at Cheng. Damn he's grown over the summer."

Ignoring that, Gansey pointed a little too obviously at the boy who was just talking to Ronan. Who always managed to hold his own when talking to Ronan. This was perfect. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of him before.

"I think I found the perfect candidate for mission: get Ronan a date," he said.

"That's a terrible mission name," Noah said, wrinkling his nose. "Make it more mysterious. Like Mission: Raven's Mate. Something cool."

Gansey rolled his eyes, as his attention followed after Adam Parrish, who walked right past them without even acknowledging them. Jackpot.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam Parrish was on an upward track toward success. He was doing well, for the most part. School always came with stress, but stress he could handle and stress he admittedly loved. He had his jobs and school and what leisure time he had left he spent with his best friend, Blue. He lived at St. Agnes church instead of home, a welcome change, and he just finished applying to all the universities on his list.

His future was looking bright but he still had senior year to worry about. There was a test next week in chemistry, and so he was once again in his school library reading up for it.

He was in the middle of his study session, deep in the back of the stacks where few people would come and disturb him, when he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over at the end of the aisle to see two heads popping out from behind a shelf, staring his direction. Richard Gansey and Noah Czerny barely talked to him since he transferred, so it was already suspicious the way they were looking at him.  But they were being weirder than usual, when they didn't say anything at all and immediately ducked back behind the aisle when he caught them staring.

He continued to read, although he was mildly curious now what it was they were doing. What did they want? Or were they just going to stare at him? This felt extremely creepy, and when he looked again down the aisle they were there again. They were slower pulling away this time, and they knocked heads as they jerked back. He could hear them cursing behind the bookshelf and he shook his head in disbelief.

When he stared back down at his book he stared at the pages and felt nothing being retained. Even as he tried to force himself to focus, he could feel their eyes on him. He became too uncomfortable to handle them, and so he left early for his next class.

It was English, and he always hated the discussions they had in class. The books they read were worthwhile, but his classmates hardly ever seemed to retain their real messages. It often led to him getting irritated and starting arguments in class. Today, his fellow students criticisms of a book they read in class were more absurd than usual, and he made more of that it was because they come from the background of wealth and status that they couldn't comprehend the deeper meanings within the book.

As one of his classmates tried to argue against that, another of his classmates came in late, which was new development because usually he just didn't show up. Ronan Lynch stood in the doorway like a reaper, and the whole class turned to view him scowling back at them.

"Ah, Mr. Lynch," said Mr. Bouford. "So fortunate we are to be graced with your presence."

"What I miss?" Ronan asked. He had yet to sit down.

"A conversation about the lack of understanding our class has about censorship and the role of the oppressor in today's society," Adam replied, and he watched the disinterest grow in Ronan's face.

"Fuck that," he said. And he walked right back out. Adam rolled his eyes as the class responded to Ronan's arrival then departure, rowdy as always. Adam couldn't wait until he graduated and left this all behind. He wanted better discussions than what they had.

Behind him Tad responded with his snide little voice. "Just because you live in a church doesn't mean your word is holy, Parrish," he said.

The rest of the class laughed a little at that. Adam felt hot in the face. His temper got to the better of him and he whipped around in his chair, glaring at him across his desk.

"Just because your daddy paid for the new chemistry lab doesn't mean we're all going to forget that one time you set your lab coat on fire turning the benson burner on," he retorted.

The class laughed again, and Adam sat forward with a little bit of pride he made Tad speechless.

Mr. Bouford did not appear as impressed.

"Mr. Parrish," he said, from the front of the classroom, "I appreciate your eagerness to analyze the novel, but I do not appreciate your cynicism and your disinterest in hearing what your fellow classmates have to say."

"Because they're wrong." Adam shrugged. "And vapid."

The class reacted with needling comments he chose to ignore, and were cut off by Mr. Bouford's commanding tone.

"Mr. Parrish," he said again, "why don't you go find what became of Mr. Lynch, would you? Likely in the direction of the guidance counselors office."

Adam realized he was being sent away and he gawked. "You're kidding." He had never been sent there before in his life. His face felt red hot as there were a few snickers. He hated most of the students in this school with a fiery passion, and now he hated their new English teacher.

Still feeling the heat of embarrassment on his cheeks he was swift to leave the classroom, ignoring Tad and the others as they said their malicious goodbyes.

If he were Ronan Lynch he would give them the finger or just have to give them one look and they would shut up. Instead he scowled at Tad, who did shut up, but the rest didn't follow after him like he hoped they would.

As he was storming off in the direction of the office, Adam heard his name called out down the hall. That felt suspicious, and he was sure he recognized the voice but turned around just to make sure. When he saw it was Gansey he was proven right but felt weird about him walking after him.

"Oh no," he said, walking away from whatever Gansey wanted from him. The school knew him to be one of the smartest kids in school, and despite all their teasing he had offers all the time for tutoring help. He usually said no.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Gansey called out. His pleading tone echoed down the hall as Adam walked a little faster.

"No," he said. He could hear Gansey still behind him, trying to catch up.

"Come on, for five minutes?"

"No thank you," Adam said, as if he was being approached by a solicitor and not a classmate with a hidden agenda.

"Adam, come on."

Adam admitted he liked him pleading as he chased after him, but he wanted to be left alone right now. He was already embarrassed enough from English class.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" Adam called out over his shoulder. Somehow they were the only two people in the hall, and he really wished he had gone the right way to the guidance counselor's office, because now he was stuck walking in a loop until he got there, allowing Gansey to follow after him for longer. He sounded irritated with him, but that was because he was. Two times in one day was a weird ratio for him acknowledging his presence. He used to want Gansey to notice him, but now he thought better of it. He felt better when he didn't if he was going to be so weird. Why were rich boys so weird?

"It's my free period," Gansey said behind him.

"Mm." Adam didn't really care.

"Five minutes. Please?" said Gansey.

That please stilled him. He sounded kind of pathetic, and Adam really didn't want to go to the guidance counselor's office. He kept his back to him for a few seconds and sighed, coming to terms his curiosity had gotten the best of him. He rolled his eyes, more at himself than anything, before turning around.

"Five minutes." He made sure he did not look enthused to be here.

Gansey clearly got the message with his thin smile, nodding and accepting. His eyes darted around the empty hall, like he expected someone to appear out of nowhere.

"Can we talk somewhere more privately?" he asked.

Already Adam regretted this.

"Uh, no," he said. "Here's fine." He crossed his arms over his chest, hesitant about listening to what Gansey had to say. His instinct told him to leave.

"Okay," Gansey said, defeated. Once more, he briefly looked around. "You know Ronan Lynch right?" he asked.

Adam almost laughed. "I'm familiar with him, yes," he said. Everyone at school was.

Gansey finally met his eyes. He straightened out as a result, removing the slouch he sometimes had.

"I want you to go on a date with him," said Gansey. "To ask him out on a date."

Adam laughed. It just slipped out, boisterous and uncontrollable. He nearly dropped the books he held to his chest, tears risking coming out he laughed so much. His stomach hurt from the force of it as it echoed down the hall.

After a while, as Adam started coming down from it, he looked at Gansey again, while clearing his eyes with a swipe of the back of his hand. Gansey's frown and hands on his hips only made it funny again and he started to break.

He needed this. What a good joke.

"I'm serious," he said. He didn't look to find this the least bit funny, and instantly the laughter died. Adam shook it off, and he gestured to Gansey's person like this were an ah-ha! moment. It kind of was. He had every reason to be suspicious.

"This feels like a bad prank," he said.

"It's not a prank!" Gansey raised his hands as if to show he was unarmed. But Adam still didn't believe him, even as he said, "I swear!"

This was a weird request. He had weird ones before from the boys at school, mostly about school though. He wondered if he was only asked because Tad told everyone about the time they made out once, which in Adam's defense he only did because he was bored and Tad was there.

"What are you even talking about here?" Adam asked. He needed more details about this. As of right now it made no sense, but he suspected it wasn't going to make any sense no matter what. "I don't get it."

Gansey sighed, hands moving back to his hips, and Adam almost laughed again looking at him. He looked like this was very difficult to say, to explain, scrunching his face, but that wasn't Adam's problem.

"Like I said," he talked slower and Adam almost walked away right there, "I would like you to ask him out. See, his younger brother Matthew wants to start dating but their eldest brother has this weird rule where he can't date anyone until Ronan does and-"

"That's not my problem." Adam shrugged. Gansey frowned.

"Yeah, I know." He appeared to realize he had to go with a new approach, and he fidgeted while he tried to find it. "But Matthew is a good guy. You know him right?"

Adam didn't respond. He did know of him. He said hi to him in the halls sometimes. But where did Gansey fit into this and why was he asking Adam? It must have occurred to Gansey that he wasn't making any leeway and he looked to be getting desperate.

"I'll pay you to do it," he said.

Adam was a little offended. Actually, he was quite offended. He wondered if Gansey offered money to anyone else he may have asked about this. If he asked anyone else. "You what?"

"Pay you," Gansey repeated. "I don't expect my just asking will be enough. I'm offering money. Think of it as a sponsored date. No strings."

Adam narrowed his eyes, suspicion flaming up again. "What's in this for you?" he asked.

"Helping out a friend."

Adam almost wanted to ask which friend was he really helping out but he bit his tongue. He sensed he was talking genuinely about that, for once.

"Why me?" He sensed asking was going to backfire, but he had to know. Not that he was thinking about this. Not that he would even think of asking Ronan Lynch out, even though he wouldn't be surprised that if roles were reversed he wouldn't think twice about doing something like this to Adam just for money.

"You're not scared of him," he said. Adam shifted his books around, still held tight to his chest. That was true, he thought. He didn't cower when Ronan gave him threatening looks, because he knew Ronan would never physically hurt anyone. He was just an asshole. He didn't have that look in his eye. But that shouldn't be the sole basis of paying him to ask him out. This was ridiculous. "Plus you need the money right?" Gansey then said, and Adam's jaw clicked. He was pissed. He must have looked it, for Gansey immediately recognized he said something off and he put a hand to his forehead and awkwardly chuckled.

"Shit," he said. "I meant no harm by that. I just--." He closed his eyes and toned down the high pitchiness his voice elevated to. Adam tried not to say something he would regret, although he very much wanted to. He dug his hands into the cover of his chemistry book, fingers burning white. "I'll pay you upfront, too. Matthew really wants this, and I admit I think you could be a good influence on Ronan. You're a good guy, and maybe that'll rub off on him a little. Who knows?"

Adam was still upset, shoulders pulled back and jaw slacked. But when it came down to it, he hated to admit he was considering it. While it still made no sense to him, for Gansey to ask him of this - to ask anyone - he was mulling it over in his head. Wasn't Ronan his friend? Wasn't this in poor taste? He felt guilty thinking even for a second of taking up his offer, but also Ronan was Ronan.

"I'll think about it," he said, sounding a little disappointed with himself as he did. Because he was.

"Really?" Gansey didn't seem to notice and he perked right up. In fact, he looked a little startled, wider eyes than necessary.

"Yeah." Adam sighed. "I'll give you my answer tomorrow."

"Oh, wow." Gansey clasped his hands together and put them to his chin. "Spectacular. I'll be waiting eagerly for your answer tomorrow then."

When he reached for a handshake, Adam could only stare at it. He didn't want to shake his hand. This was a weird enough situation. Gansey got the message loud and clear, letting his hand fall.

"Tomorrow then," he repeated.

"Yeah."

The weirdest conversation in Adam's life was now over, and now he was left with the subject of it to mull over for the next twenty four hou-

Gansey was still standing there and so was he. Awkwardly and silent. Adam waited for Gansey to move first, but he didn't appear like he was going to do that. After a moment longer, Adam raised his brow at him and nodded once before taking a step back to leave.

"Goodbye, Gansey," he said. He turned around and walked away.

"Oh, yeah. Sure. Goodbye, Adam!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Later that same day after school but before Adam's shift at Boyd's, he was at Nino's Pizzeria. He had enough time between school and work that he could get away with seeing Blue.

He explained to her the proposition and his dilemma. A small part of him still felt guilty. Blue was on her break, and as she ate a slice of the pizza she got for free from work, she listened. Adam ate a slice too, if only because Blue could never finish her free work pizzas.

"Is this the one you hate?" she asked. She covered her mouth as she talked which made it a little harder to hear. He inclined his head, and she repeated herself.

"I hate almost all of them, Blue," he corrected.

"But is this the one that you said shows up late to classes if he shows up at all, always picks fights with the other students, and is somehow better at you in Latin?"

Adam didn't like the reminder about Latin. "Barely better than me in Latin," he corrected, sounding irritated. "But yeah."

Blue set down her slice of pizza. "Yeah that guy sounds like a nightmare," she said. "Why does this one dude want you to ask him out again?"

Adam shrugged as he picked off the olives from his slice. "Something about his younger brother not being able to date until he does?"

"Is his brother a jackass too?" Blue asked. She took another massive bite of her food as Adam shook his head.

"No, he's actually very nice," he replied.

Blue accepted that and moved on, mouth full again. "And this isn't some prank?"

"I don't think so." Adam was certain it wasn't. "I don't think the friend is the type. He seemed genuine, which is the weirdest thing."

Blue shrugged and paused eating. She set down her slice and looked him square in the eye. He could tell she made up her mind on the matter.

"I say go for it, man," she said. That was not what he expected. "Easy money. I doubt he has any emotions anyway. Sounds like an asshole."

"True. He's always angry and mean. He's got this permanent furrowed brow thing going on." He was starting to agree to the idea, himself. But then he looked down at his slice and the pile of olives beside it. "Plus I doubt he'll say yes anyway. "

"Do you get paid either way?"

"I mean, I get paid beforehand, so long as I say yes." Gansey wasn't smart for making that promise. Blue lit up when she heard that, though, and she touched at Adam's arm as if he won a lottery.

"See! Easy money." She grinned. "What's the harm? None. He's got no soul. You need to save up for when you move away from me to become some big successful lawyer-"

"Scientist." Adam knew Blue remembered. She just liked to jab at him for the one time he thought for five seconds of maybe become a lawyer instead. Those were a weird five seconds.

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes grinning at him. "Point is, you could use the cash. And if he says no, well no harm no foul. You're already, what, $50 richer? It's not like it'll be a real date anyway. How can it be with the likes of him?"

"True." Again, Blue was making some sense.

"So tell me about the boy you've been seeing," said Adam, to distract himself. Recently Blue had been seeing someone and wouldn't tell him who, just that he was normally not her type, which left it pretty open ended who he could be since her type used to just be "no one from Henrietta".

But as he took another bite of his pizza, he pondered over the possibility of going through with Gansey's proposal. What would it mean asking him out? What would they even do? Where would they go? What does Ronan Lynch even like?

 

~~~~~~~

 

"I'll do it."

Adam did not sound pleased as he said this to Gansey during weights the next day. Gansey didn't take weights, but he was here and he was pretending he was doing stuff when really he was only there to get Adam's answer. So Adam walked over to him and told him.

Gansey looked ready to kiss him, but instead he reached for Adam's hand and pulled it into a handshake.

"Is $500 okay?" he said. Adam nearly audibly gasped. $500? Was Gansey joking? He blanked.

Adam was making $500 just to go on a date with Ronan Lynch.

"You're not even sure he'll say yes," he said, double checking something. "What makes you think he'll say yes to me?"

"Just a guess," he said. "Okay, so he'll be at tennis practice after school today. You can ask him then."

"Tennis?" Adam didn't realize he was in tennis. "That doesn't really fit."

"It's his sport of choice," said Gansey. "I think probably because he can hit something. Okay, well good luck."

He stretched out his hand, holding an envelope. Inside it he suspected was the cash. Adam quietly took it and waited until Gansey left before he looked inside. This was a 50 hour work week in just the simple act of asking a stranger out. He still couldn't believe it.

Before school was over that day, Adam ran into Ronan Lynch before his tennis practice, but he lost the nerve to ask him out. They were in Latin class, surrounded by other students. He moved over to his desk before class started, the only one Ronan usually showed up for. He still hadn't perfected what he was going to say, not admitting to Gansey while he had experiences in the past he never really actually went on dates with people. They usually just naturally hung out and then things happened from there.

He was a row away from Ronan when he lost the courage to ask him out. He saw he was reading from their textbook, laser focused, and he chewed on his lip as he suddenly didn't know what to do.

He was almost surprised to find him reading. For a while there he thought he was just somehow naturally better at Latin as a universal cruel joke. Adam hovered at the desk next to him for a while there, thinking of what to say, but he lost the will to ask when Ronan looked up at him. His eyebrows drifted down on his forehead and he sat up a little, perplexed by Adam's presence. If he were anyone else Adam would have said nothing and simply walked away, and he suspected if he were anyone else who was more afraid of Ronan he would have said something to make him run away.

"What did you get on last week's essay?" he asked.

Ronan appeared partially amused, his lips not quite the thin line of suppressed rage they always were. They quirked just a little as the heat in his eyes cooled just enough. He knew about Adam's annoyance with his better grade, which he sometimes thought was why he actually tried to maintain it. Just to piss him off.

"None of your business, Parrish." His eyes trailed up Adam until he fleetingly met his gaze. Adam looked away when they met, uninterested in staring into such an irritable boy's face for too long. "What did _you_ get?"

Adam tensed a little. He got a B+, but he knew he could do better. Latin was fucking time consuming though, and he had so much to focus on as it were. "None of _your_ business," he said. "Lynch."

"Well, what a lively discussion this has been," and Ronan turned away again, "but I really must read my fucking book. I hear there's a pop quiz today."

"Where did you-?" But he forgot he knew Gansey, who probably always warned him about these things beforehand. Ronan made a small smile in enjoyment of Adam's tortured expression at the thought of a pop quiz.

He quickly, but not too quickly, moved back to his desk a couple rows away and opened his book same as Ronan did. He glanced over to see Ronan already looking at him, who smirked before turning away.

Asshole. Why was he asking him out? Oh, yeah. The money in his locker.

There turned out to be no pop quiz which wasn't surprising, but it pissed Adam off more that he scrambled to his seat like he did to try to ready for it. Ronan must have been laughing to himself as he did that. Asshole.

Later, like Gansey said, he found him at the tennis courts on campus. He was hitting balls that came out of one of those ball eject machines. He watched him a little bit, striking each ball hard and fast. Over the course of ten balls he hit every one, grunting and jumping and shredding his arm. He could see the rage release with each swing.

After building the courage, Adam walked around to the entrance inside and he stood there a few seconds. Ronan registered his presence and frowned. He stopped swinging and he walked over to the machine to turn it off.

"What are you doing here?" he said. "You don't do sports."

"You don't know what I don't do," Adam said unsweetly. He inwardly cursed at himself, when he was supposed to be here acting sweet. Ronan soured at his comment, but didn't say anything. He walked quietly over to a water bottle by a bag, and he took the water bottle and squirted some water into his mouth. When his eyes cast a different direction, Adam broke.

"Do you like food?"

Ronan paused, and turned his head to him. "Do I like food?" he repeated. Ronan then scoffed. "What, do I look malnourished or something? The fuck kind of question is that?"

"Do you want to get dinner sometime?" Adam bit the bullet, and he did it.

Ronan squirted the water from his bottle into his face. He startled and groaned as he wiped at his eyes with the bottom of his shirt. He lifted it and Adam could see his bare stomach. Quickly, he looked away.

"What did you just ask me?" Ronan's tone came off as if Adam had asked him to fuck off.

"Dinner. Me. You. Tomorrow night?"

"Fuck off, Parrish."

Adam knew he should try to push him again, but he really didn't want to. Ronan's glower was only getting deeper and more threatening. It was annoying him, how angry he was getting. Was Adam unattractive? No. Was Adam a nice guy? Well, he tried to be. It was a little impossible at Aglionby though.

"Come on. One dinner. You never know. You might have fun."

Ronan mocking repeated his last sentence back at him as he dropped his shirt back down. "Is this your way of trying to get me to help you in Latin?"

Adam's fingers wrapped tight around the gate handle to get inside the court. He swallowed back his sarcastic remarks.

"No," he said flatly.

As if he was expecting those remarks, Ronan looked semi-disappointed and he waved him away.

"I said no." His voice was stern. "Now leave me alone. I have practice to do. Go brag about books or something, nerd."

Adam pushed at the gate with the palm of his hand in frustration as he stormed off. Fuck Ronan. He didn't even want him to say yes anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi thanks for reading! lemme know what you think !
> 
> and thanks to rachel for helping take a look at the chapter beforehand :)
> 
> you can also find me on tumblr [here](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)
> 
> also there's the off chance opal might not be in this :( while i love my lil dream child i dont know how she'd fit into this whole thing


	2. Grunge House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You didn't really go through any trouble," she said. "You just asked him out."
> 
> "I walked down to the tennis courts," he said. "That's a lot of trouble. They're out of the way and everything."
> 
> Blue snorted.

Ronan Lynch never once in his life thought anyone at Aglionby would ask him out on a date. The closest thing to it would have been when Henry Cheng once said he thought his bad boy aesthetic was hot and dragged him into an empty room at a party. That was a nice waste of an hour. But this was _Adam Parrish_.

For a moment there on the field he thought he had started hallucinating from spending too much time out in the autumn sun.

If he had asked him out before his parents- no, he probably still would have said no. Because in what world would Adam Parrish ask him out? It was suspicious.

Because of it, he spent an extra hour on the court practicing until he nearly ripped his arm from his body and broke his racquet.

When he came home in a rougher mood than usual, which Matthew could always pick up on, he grumbled out why and was startled by a squeak as his brother leapt off the sofa to run to him.

"What!!! You got asked out on a date?" Matthew stared at him wide eyed and open mouthed.

"You sound surprised," said Ronan, eyeing him funny. He shouldn't have said anything. After a strange day at school and a rough practice, he just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. Matthew unintentionally was blocking the staircase with his little excited dance.

"Of course I'm surprised," he said.

Out of nowhere, Declan appeared too, leaning against the archway that led into the dining room. He smirked at him from down the hall.

"Me too," he said. "Who would ask you out?"

Ronan scowled, and strangely so did Matthew. "Hey!" his little brother said. "Declan, be nice." He turned back to Ronan, smiling. "I'm happy for you. When are you going out?"

"I said no," and Ronan shrugged. Declan didn't look the least bit surprised; actually he looked happy. And then Ronan could see why. Matthew's face had lit up so bright and now he looked like he just watched someone get disemboweled.

"What!!!!" His voice was so high pitched it could've been used to call dogs.

"Jesus, Matthew." Ronan rolled his eyes. "Calm down."

"I'm--" He must have realized how he sounded and he stopped, sinking back a step and looking away. Giving a poor attempt at casual he asked, "Why did you say no?"

"Because." Ronan moved for the stairs, but Matthew blocked him. Declan noticed and walked towards them, ready to be a bouncer and separate them if need be. This would be the first he would need to, usually it was Matthew who had to be the bouncer, but his younger brother looked genuinely shaken by this. That stupid rule really got to him.

"What? That's not an answer or a reason," said Matthew.

"It's both." Ronan became uncomfortable with this, looking at the clear disappointment in his brother's face. He didn't need to go upstairs right away, so he skulked off toward the kitchen for something to eat. He could hear Matthew and Declan follow after him. This was unbearable. He groaned. "I don't want to go on a date with him or anyone," he said, defiant. "Told him to fuck off."

Matthew groaned too.

"You can't be nice for one second?" Matthew never shouted. This was weird. Ronan turned to him as he opened the fridge. "You don't have to always be a jerk, Ronan!" His little brother crossed his arms and glared.

As a result, this was really pissing Ronan off. He didn't want to come home to this, and he didn't understand why it is he did. He shut the fridge door and glared back.

"I like being a jerk," he said.

"Don't you want people to like you?"

That hurt. He visibly avoided showing it. "No. I don't care."

Matthew stomped a foot like a child. Declan was watching all of this take place in awe it wasn't between him and Ronan as always. "Well, I do," said Matthew. "I like people. I like fun. I like having friends and wanting to go on dates! You suck, Ronan."

The hostility in here was strangely specific and completely unexpected. Somehow he ended up being the bad guy for saying no to a date? How was that possible?

"Where is all this coming from?" he said. "Why the fuck are you being so dramatic?"

"Ugh!" Matthew rolled his eyes, which Ronan was sure he never did before ever. Then he stormed off, groaning again down the hall.

Both older brothers made eye contact, mutually surprised and concerned. As soon as they heard a door slam upstairs, music started blaring and it was clear for some reason Matthew was upset.

Declan rolled his eyes and pulled forward. "I'll go talk to him," he said.

As he reached the doorway he paused and turned back.

"Why did you say no, by the way?" He pretended to be only mildly curious when he was probably more so than Matthew. This was a strange day indeed. "We both know no one's going to ask you out again for at least another thirty years with this attitude," he joked. His jokes were bad. Ronan soured and squeezed the fridge's door handle.

"Fuck you, Declan. I just..." When he didn't see any expression of smugness or contempt, he stopped himself before he found himself in another fight. "I don't know," he said. "I was surprised. Plus, he can't genuinely be interested in me. Why would he be? Doesn't make sense."

"People can surprise you." Declan shrugged and left it to die, walking away. As he left the kitchen he called out behind him, "By the way, did you ever finish those college applications I left for you in your room?"

"No."

At once he appeared in the doorway again, looking stoic as ever.

"Why not...?" he said.

They were really going to have this argument again, right now, weren't they? He sighed.

"I don't care about college," he repeated. On several occasions. Declan popped.

"Ronan, for fucks sake." He stood where Matthew had and reacted in a similar way Matthew did. "What do you expect to do for the rest of your life?"

Ronan just blankly looked at him, waiting for him to chill the fuck out. He already said what he needed to say before. Repeating it was pointless.

"You can't stay at the barns forever," Declan said, as if replying to him when really he was replying to an old conversation. "You have to do _something_."

"I'll travel too." Ronan picked up an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter. He threw it in the air and then caught it. Declan's eyes followed the act, but he was still pissed. "Places you _hate_ , too, just to spite you."

"For fucks--" Matthew changed his song to something obviously sad. They both glanced upward at the ceiling, and when Ronan looked back down Declan was staring back at him with true disappointment. "I can only handle one of you at a time and for once you're not the one being moody in his room," he said, exhausted. He looked it, frazzle haired and unkept clothes. Being the grown up must have sucked. Ronan would have had a little more compassion if he didn't suck about college, too. "Excuse me. But we're not done talking about this."

Ronan mocked him under his breath. " _We're not done talking about this_."

"I heard that."

" _I heard that_."

Down the hall he could hear Declan mumble, "God, what did I do to deserve this?"

" _God what did I-_ "

"RONAN."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

That evening Adam was over at Blue's house, out in her backyard underneath the giant tree. They sat there eating yogurt as he told her about his awkward day.

"Do you like food?" She cackled. Adam didn't find it all that humorous.

"Shut up, Blue." He groaned. "I tried."

"Aw." She patted him on the shoulder. "I know you did."

The sun had started setting since they started sitting out here. Beneath them the leaves that had fallen from the tree gave a nice crunch as they blanketed the ground. It was cold now, mid-October, the leaves changing color and Halloween decorations covering everything. Adam was perturbed.

"I just think it's funny that I go through all that trouble for him to say no," he said, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all. "You're really upset by him declining you, aren't you?" said Blue. She laughed into her yogurt as he looked over at her in disgust.

"No," he said. "I'm not- That's ridiculous- He's-" He moved and practically slammed his back against the tree trunk. It hurt, but he didn't let that show. Ronan Lynch was not going to upset him. He did a thing. It didn't go as planned. That's it. It's over now.

Blue was still smirking as she took another mouthful of the yogurt, and he huffed, turning his head away again.

"You didn't really go through any trouble," she said. "You just asked him out."

"I walked down to the tennis courts," he said. "That's a lot of trouble. They're out of the way and everything."

Blue snorted. Adam saw her freeze and go silent. He sat up in concern until she slapped at his shoulder.

"You made me almost spit out my yogurt!" she said.

"Oh, the struggle," he replied.

She knocked into his shoulder with hers. "You ass."

He smiled, watching as she ate another bite of her yogurt. She and her family were like his family, and as she curled her head to rest on the crook of his shoulder, while the leaves could be heard rustling above.

"So we aren't going to talk about your mystery guy today?" he asked, after some time of silence.

She moaned. "I was hoping you'd forget about him."

He smirked. "Not going well?"

"It's going perfectly well, thank you very much."

"Then why don't I get to meet him?"

"Because...." Blue paused, like she was searching for the right words to say. "Because I don't want you to not like him."

"I like everybody," he said, and they looked at each other and instantly laughed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next day at lunch Ronan was listening to music outside in the bed of his truck, with Noah doing the same beside him. Their friendship was a lot about silently understanding each other, whereas Gansey, god love him, tried to speed up that process with words. Ronan didn't like words much.

He much preferred moments like these; quiet.

They weren't often and they didn't last long, and this was not an exception. Halfway through lunch, Ronan's eyes were closed and his head was resting against the back of his truck. He was drifting to the music and the cold air when there was movement in the truck.

In an instant he was awake and opening his eyes to find Gansey crawling into the back with him, and Noah crawling out.

He sat up, yanking his headphones out. This felt like an ambush, and he readied himself to leave at a moment's notice.

"I've got to go meet up with Cheng about a project. See you in class, Ronan," said Noah, calling out over his shoulder.

Ronan said nothing back. He felt betrayed, Noah leaving him to talk to Gansey. In the last week he was weirder than usual, and today was no different.

He watched as Gansey fumbled into the back of the truck, but did not sit. Rather, he stood above him like a towering figure. At one point Ronan would've equated him to a god, but he was just a boy.

"Hey!" He spoke so brightly. Ronan couldn't remember when the last time was he didn't find that annoying. "Did you say yes to your date?"

At once Ronan jerked. "How did you-?"

"Uh........." Gansey looked to be almost embarrassed that he knew, and he shifted around uncomfortably, every motion he made felt through the truck. He seemed reluctant to answer, but Ronan could make his own conclusions.

"Did Matthew tell you?" he said, with a sigh.

Gansey stilled, then promptly started nodding. "Yes! Yes. Yes, he _did_."

Ronan didn't like the estrangement he had with Matthew since last night. This morning he got a ride to school with Ronan like always, but he didn't say a word. He remained quiet but still visibly upset the entire ride. Once they got to school he got out and just walked away without a word.

"What is his hang up?" he said, pulling his bag to his chest. "So what if I said no to a date?"

"Do you think maybe it has something to do with the fact he can't until you do?" Gansey offered.

That didn't make Ronan feel any better or worse. He just rolled his eyes, unsure why Gansey wanted this to be their subject of choice.

"What, so I'm just supposed to say yes so he's happy? That's not fair."

Gansey looked stunned by this, which Ronan didn't mind. He didn't want him to talk. If he had to suffer through the rest of school today, he felt he needed his quiet time now. After a moment of silence, Ronan hoped he would either leave or stay and chill but not talk so much. Awkwardly, he walked carefully over to Ronan and sat down beside him.

One look at him and Ronan looked could see the cogs in his brain churning away. He was going to ask him something, then Gansey beat him to it.

"Why did you say no?" Gansey asked.

Ronan very much did not want to take part in this conversation any longer. So he stood to leave, but Gansey followed after him.

"Oh, fucking shitbags, Gansey," he said, knowing he wasn't going to relent until he at least acknowledged the question. "Don't ask me that either."

"What? I-?"

"I just didn't, okay?"

"Who... uh.... asked you out?" Gansey said trying to sound nonchalant. He was fishing for something. Ronan could see that.

"None of your goddamn business, Richard," he snapped.

Gansey slumped his shoulders at the usage of his name.

"You don't find them attractive?"

"I-" He scowled. "I don't know them."

"Isn't that what dates are for?"

Ronan stepped forward toward him, wagging a finger his direction.

"If you don't quit--"

Gansey recoiled a step.

"Okay. Yes. Okay, got it."

Slowly, Ronan released his anger, knowing most of it wasn't even about Gansey. He wasn't sure why Gansey didn't just walk away or get mad back at him. His shoulders slouched a little as he relaxed, loosening the tension in his body. Still, as he tried to come down from his bitterness, he looked at Gansey with a watchful eye. His friend looked like he had one last thing in his mind as they stood there, awkwardly in the parking lot in the bed of his truck. After some time of just the silence he asked for, but not really the kind of silence he wanted, he could see Gansey's squirming and it became too much for him.

He rolled his eyes and broke. "What?"

"It's just, I worry about you, since your......" He alluded to words he didn't want to say.

"Parents died," Ronan said, finding them for him. "You think I said no because of that?"

"Maybe."

Ronan could feel himself get upset again, and he wanted to avoid that. So he hopped out of his truck and marched off before he said something he would regret to Gansey.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam suspected Ronan told Gansey about the fiasco that was his asking out, and so he became proficient in avoiding him. He would come into class at precisely a time when he could sit where Gansey couldn't find a seat around him and would leave in the mass of students, sure to get lost. Adam was exceptional at these things when he wanted to avoid specific people at school, and for now he was avoiding Gansey, who whenever he looked his way clearly wanted to talk to him.

While Adam was a little sorry it didn't work out for Matthew, he did his best. Made a good effort. Okay, he knew he didn't, but he wasn't about to put out his best for Ronan. Not when it was going to be one date that probably was going to end up in them fighting. There was no point. 

Over the course of the next few days at school, however, he noticed there was a change. He found Ronan no longer glowering at him anymore. When he looked in his direction he would look away, as if they went through with the date and it went as poorly as expected.

Adam kind of liked this. If he knew that all he had to do was ask him out to make him stop annoying him, he would've done that ages ago. But over the course of the week, he became mad at himself for asking him out and making it awkward. Where were the comments about his freckles? Where were the jabs about his Latin grammar? He lost interest in annoying Adam and Adam was admittedly a little disappointed. One date invite and he closed up like a vacuum bag.

If this was how the rest of his school year was going to go, it became duller as a result.

But there was no way of taking it back, and he was pretty sure if he said anything to Ronan ever again he was going to close up and run off or something. Or Adam would somehow make it worse.

But it didn't matter did it? This was Ronan. Scary angry Ronan that had a threatening glare and called everyone asshole. He wasn't nice. So Adam shouldn't care.

He was in English class on that Monday morning back from a weekend of work and studying and trying not to think about Ronan and this whole mess. Sitting parallel to him two rows over was Ronan, making a rare appearance in class today. He was actually taking notes, too, or else he was doodling something in his notebook. His head hadn't come up from its position of resting on his hand all class, even as Mr. Bouford accidentally repeated his lecture from last week on _Fahrenheit 451_. He was distracted by him, staring after him as he wondered why someone could hate school so much and had such little patience for it.

A paper ball hit the back of his head, and Adam jerked, turning around to see Tad and his hooligans snickering. Tad was the same as ever, so at least some things hadn't changed.

Adam hadn't realized he had been staring at Ronan the entirety of class until now. When he looked over again one last time, he saw him staring back with his hooded eyes.

Shit.

Adam was the first to look away.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After school, Adam was walking across campus to the bike rack, still trying to avoid any sign of Gansey. Today was easier then last week, and he hoped that meant he got the message to leave him alone.

"Hey, Adam," he heard called out behind him. He only turned to respond because he knew it wasn't Gansey's voice.

"Henry," he said, and he paused to let Henry Cheng catch up to him. Henry wasn't holding his usual clipboard, just a book from the library and his backpack fashionably hung over just the one shoulder. Henry didn't get on his nerves as much as the others, only when he asked him to sign something did Adam find him annoying. "Are you here to ask me to sign another petition or have you run out of those?"

"Mm, I mean I do have one, but it's not about that," Henry said, smiling. "So I hear you asked out Ronan Lynch."

Adam faltered. He glanced around them at the spare people walking past, none too close to hear though. "Does the entire school know about that? God." He realized there was nothing really to be embarrassed about and he stood straighter. "So what if I did?"

"Could you do it again?"

Adam was confused. Was this really happening? What was he getting out of this? "Could you repeat that for me?" he said. He liked Henry to a point, and this was now that point.

Henry realized he didn't start off right. He shifted around like Gansey did. Watching rich boys trying to find the right things to say was becoming a fun pastime of Adam's, but he also hated the reason for their fidgeting and stumbling over words. "I like Noah, and-"

Adam could tell where this was going and he rolled his eyes. He started back up toward the rack. It was just through this building. "Oh for goodness sake. Don't tell me. He won't date until Ronan does."

Henry wasn't far behind him.

"More like he has no idea I like him and I haven't gotten the courage to until Ronan's like busy. I don't know if he's still hung up on me and well-"

Adam rolled his eyes again. They were getting a real workout lately. He stilled, turning to Henry, who nearly fell over trying to walk after him. "So now I'm a distraction," Adam said, unamused.

"Uh, I guess." Henry clearly saw the problem in what he said, but he kept going anyway. "Noah said Gansey-"

Adam didn't want to hear what Noah said. "This is ridiculous," he moaned. "Go find someone else to peddle to. Or better yet, just tell him anyway?"

"That's so cold." Henry put his free hand to his chest. "That goes against the bro code. I want to build up to it, and I can't with Ronan always hanging around Noah like they do."

_Not my problem_ , Adam thought. When did he become the mascot for asking Ronan out to solve other people's problems. They didn't even like each other. They weren't even friends. They were schoolmates. He shrugged off Henry's declaration. "I'm not asking him out again," he said. "You do it if you're so inclined."

"That sort of defeats the purpose of asking Noah out," said Henry.

Adam really didn't care. He wasn't going to do it. It must have been obvious at this point to Henry he wasn't getting through to him, and he groaned. When he reached into his back pocket Adam could feel irritation prickle at his skin like a bug bite.

"How much?" Henry asked.

Adam knocked the book out of Henry's hand and walked away. Childish yes, but he was tired of using words. He just wanted this to pass. To not be so constantly thinking about Ronan Lynch, the boy who buried himself in Adam's head and wouldn't get dug out.

He groaned out loud as he was walking to his bike, and he forgot there were people around. Several stared. One laughed. He took a page from Ronan's book and glared at them as he kept walking.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

That night at work Adam was deep in concentration on the underside of a car, releasing his frustrations on the oil pan. Work for him was a nice break from all the snobbery and overthinking that went on at school. He liked working, having something to do with his hands.

It was late into his shift, and he was probably the last one here besides Boyd himself, but he didn't mind. While he had class early tomorrow and still wanted to study more for his chemistry test, he enjoyed the distraction from the one subject that had been circling his mind for a week now.

That is, until he saw a pair of feet approaching him from his right. The boat shoes gave it away who they belonged to.

He sighed, hoping he would go away if he just ignored him. Maybe he didn't know it was him under here. Maybe he didn't see him.

"Adam," he said. His tone said everything without needing to actually voice it. The subtle annoyance was dripping from his voice.

"You here for your money back?" he said.

"Did you even really try?"

Adam's mood sunk. He jutted out his jaw, forcing himself to breathe in and out his noise. He tried to still give attention to the car but it was hard.

"I did." There was a bite to his tone.

"Did you though?"

That was it. Adam slid out from under the car, and found himself staring up inelegantly at Gansey, an angle he felt strange being at. The sight of under his chin didn't deter him from frowning or from aiming his tool pointedly at Gansey.

"Hey, the stipulations were simply ask him out," he made clear. "Didn't say I had to convince him."

The words slowly sunk in and Gansey stood there quiet, slow to acknowledge them with a halfhearted shrug.

"I know, but-" He pushed his glasses up his nose and started to finger one of the lenses. He was nervous. "I'll pay you double what I said if you can actually convince him."

Adam almost laughed. Gansey had become so desperate. Why?

"Jesus, you really want this, don't you?" His brow lifted in surprise when Gansey nodded glumly.

"Yeah. I do."

That wasn't enough to convince him. This went on long enough, and he had tests to study for. There wasn't any room in his life for this social experiment Gansey was doing.

"Go pay someone else to do it," he said, tilting his head back to again look under the car. "Maybe Cheng-"

Gansey laughed. "That's never happening again," he said. "Those two could not be more different."

That's not what Adam was going to say but he didn't press on. "Yeah, well so are we," he said. "Good luck finding someone else. I'm not doing it."

He slid back under the car and returned to his work, but he knew that wasn't going to stop Gansey from his little mission. He knelt down to look under the car at him, crooning his neck and holding his glasses in place.

"One more try," he said. "Please. Triple your money."

Adam paused, thought about it. Holy shit. That would be $1500. He should have been insulted, but at the same time he was in the power seat here. All because he said no Gansey upped the price without him suggesting a thing. It felt like taking candy from a very rich baby. Slowly he slid out from under the car.

If he saw so much as one hint of a smug expression on Gansey's face he was going to slide back under that car. But Gansey just only looked relieved.

"Well, what can you tell me about him?" he said. If he was going to ask him out again he might as well try to cater to his interest. "What does he like?"

"Uh, he uh." This was his best friend and he didn't immediately come up with anything? That was underwhelming. "He likes cars. And hay."

Adam looked at Gansey with judging eyes. "Hay? Gansey... I-"

"He has the worst taste in music," Gansey added. This was humiliating.

"These are all great selling points, Gansey," Adam said dryly. "It's a wonder you haven't found him someone already."

Gansey made a face at him and started to get defensive. He pushed his glasses up again before crossing his arms over his chest like a shield.

"He's complicated," he argued.

"Mm."

"Just take him to a movie or something," Gansey groaned, like the thought of coming up with something better strained him. "Something gory probably."

Before Adam could respond, Gansey gasped and grinned, staring forward above his position on the ground. Adam wondered if he just had an aneurism or something. He stayed very still, not sure what he should do.

"Better yet," Gansey spoke up, to Adam's mild relief, "his favorite band is playing in the city at Grunge House this weekend. He's going." His eyes drifted down to Adam's. "You should go too."

Grunge House. That did not sound like somewhere he would want to go. He chewed on his lip, mulling it over. He wasn't even sure how he would get into the city. All he had was a bike. Technically he could borrow Blue's family car if he asked ahead of time, but he wasn't sure he wanted to go that far to ask for a favor from someone else.

"I don't want to go to Grunge House," he said. "That doesn't sound like my scene."

"Please?"

"I don't think-"

"I'm only paying if he says yes."

Adam chewed the inside of his cheek. That changed things. For one it ticked him off, but he wasn't going to say anything about that. He could use that to build a nest egg for when he was out of here in May.

"What day?" he said. Maybe if it fell on a night he had work he could-

"Thursday night," said Gansey.

Adam didn't have work that night. Well fuck. It was a school night, though, but he suspected Gansey would make up some excuse that that shouldn't matter, and he didn't want to fight about that.

"Fine."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

This was not Adam's scene. He wasn't really sure what his scene would be, but this didn't feel it. For one, he was underdressed. He came in a simple shirt and jeans, his hoodie old with holes in the sleeve. Everyone else here looked like Ronan, leather boots and jackets.

The place was exactly what he expected, dark and reeking of beer and cigarettes, the music already pulsing through the walls before he entered. He had to get a stamp on his hand at the entrance to show he was underage, not that he cared to try to drink.

It was extremely easy borrowing the car from Blue, who didn't even ask for an explanation because somehow she already knew it had to do with Ronan. He almost didn't accept it because of her little smile as she gave him the keys, but he reminded himself that he was making a lot of money off this, more than he knew he should. He promised to fill it up with gas before he gave it back.

Inside he walked through a claustrophobic hallway and pushed through walls of people standing around. When he first heard of tonight's band he expected a dark broody metal band talking about death, or something EDM. Instead he was surprised to find it was a punk rock band with a girl vocalist who liked to sing about sex. The music wasn't awful like Gansey said, although he could see why he didn't like it.

He studied meticulously about the band beforehand, as well as the other bands Gansey knew off the top of his head. Just to know what he was getting himself into.

Inside, the concert had already started and Adam moved through the throng of people to get to the bar to wait until he saw Ronan. He admittedly was a little nervous to run into him. At school was one thing. It was expected they would drift into each other's space, but here was out of the way and more conspicuously out of the ordinary.

He touched self consciously at his hoodie as he moved through the masses against the tide of movement, paying little attention to the actual band although he liked them for the most part. If he weren't here for Ronan, perhaps he would have allowed himself a moment to enjoy himself, but this felt like a school assignment. He needed laser focus and precision. No distractions.

Even so, he let his eyes drift toward the stage, and that's when he saw Ronan dancing in the crowd. He and Noah were toward the front close to the singer, dancing and genuinely enjoying themselves. Ronan was smiling and having fun, bright like the sun. Adam almost wished he brought Blue with him.

After a whole song Adam finally made it to the bar, where he leaned against an open corner and waved over the bartender. He showed his hand and then asked for only water. When they gave him a cup he downed it fast to quell his nerves. He wasn't entirely sure he could do this, ask him out again more sincerely, and in this environment too.

Why couldn't Gansey have suggested somewhere quieter, less obvious that he was here alone? Somewhere he didn't have to strain to hear with his one good ear?

His one good ear was overstimulated by the sounds of chatting and music combined, and made it a little hard to concentrate.

As he leaned against the bar counter, he debated with himself to leave or stay. He could easily ask Ronan out another time to sate Gansey's mind. It didn't have to be here.

There was a tap on his shoulder, and Adam turned to move and let someone else come stand by the bar. When he did, he found it was Ronan standing behind him.

"You stalking me, Parrish?" Ronan was wearing his always present frown and standing like he was ready for an attack.

Adam looked him up and down, taking the whole picture in. He had on his boots and leather jacket with a band shirt underneath that had seen better days. This suited him a lot better than their school uniform, which he always wore poorly. Ronan shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

"I could ask the same of you," he shouted back, over the music and incessant talking around them. "What are you doing here?"

Ronan rolled his eyes and gestured around them. "In case you couldn't tell this is a concert!" he said.

Adam gestured to his one ear. "I didn't catch all of that," he said. He caught the gist but barely. "You have to talk into this ear. I'm deaf in the other one."

"You- you are?" Likely a little stunned and embarrassed, the tips of his ears went a little pink, his eyes widening too. He no longer looked like he wanted to kill Adam for being here. Instead he was just confused.

Adam nodded, pointing to his ear again. He leaned so casually against the counter he felt like he was going to slide off if he wasn't careful, but he wanted it to seem like he came here on his own volition and not to run into each other. "What were you saying?" he asked. "Something about Latin?"

Ronan rolled his eyes. "You still upset about that?"

"You have to speak louder."

"I said," Ronan raised his voice quite high, "you're still on my ass for that?"

The song had ended and everyone heard him. A few people turned around, and Ronan looked like a deer in headlights. Adam snorted into his shoulder as he tried not to be obvious about his amusement, but it was hard when they were so close. After the next song picked up, Ronan ran a hand down his face and then looked back at him.

"I..." He moved to stand closer to Adam's good ear. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for the stimulating conversation," said Adam. "Love when I can't hear and have to shout over music."

Ronan rolled his eyes and leaned a little. Adam didn't expect that, and was briefly startled by it. This was the closest they had ever been to one another physically. He noticed a little stubble under his chin he missed and a faint hint of cologne that he could sense even when surrounded by all these other potent stenches.

"If you're here to ask me out again, the answer is still no," he said.

Adam ignored him. He didn't want to get into that just yet. He debated a heavy risk that could lead to either mild amusement or losing a finger, and after a few seconds he decided the latter was worth it. His forefinger came and tapped gently at the center of Ronan's chest. Two tiny taps. Ronan glanced down at where his hand went and he just kept staring, even long after Adam pulled his hand away.

"They're pretty good," he said, as distraction. "I mean, they're no Descendants, Dropkick Murphy's or Joyce Manor but they're nice."

Those were the other bands Ronan liked as far as Adam knew. He tried to play it cool he didn't actually know this.

Ronan was surprised and leaned in a little again. Their closeness sent sharp spikes of adrenaline through his chest, not from fear but something else undefinable. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry.

"Wait, you know who Joyce Manor is?" Ronan sounded taken aback, his voice a little elevated.

"Why, do I look like I don't?" Adam put a hand to his own cheek. "I'm offended."

Ronan shrugged, eyes cast down. They were a vibrant blue which was somehow more evident in this shitty lighting than it was back at school. Maybe it was the proximity that played into it, or the haze of smoke.

"I just never pegged you for..." Ronan didn't look like he was about to finish that sentence. Adam leaned into him in turn.

"For what?"

Ronan touched at his shaved scalp and shrugged.

"Thought you would like shitty music," he said.

"I mean, come on." Adam scoffed. "This isn't Mozart," and Ronan rolled his eyes. He was quick to realize he almost slipped, "but it's enjoyable. I'm offended you would think my taste was shitty."

"Everyone's tastes at that school are shitty," Ronan reasoned.

"I'm not like the other kids at school, as I'm often reminded by those kids. Remember?" Adam said bitterly. He didn't mean to dredge up this subject, but being put in the collective with the others wasn't a welcome thought.

Ronan looked a little guilty for a moment, and Adam groaned inwardly. He didn't want a pity party. He just didn't want to be insulted. He poked at Ronan's chest again, letting his finger linger there a while longer. Underneath his finger it was firm to the touch, which shouldn't have surprised him when Ronan played tennis, but it still was mildly unexpected. 

"I've never seen you look happy before," he said. "I didn't even know that was an emotion you can compute."

Ronan was beet red, from anger perhaps. He was glowering as he gently pushed Adam's hand off.

"Fuck you very much, Parrish," he said, grinding his teeth. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm missing my favorite song."

Adam pulled from the counter to catch him before he walked away. He called out, "You have a nice smile."

Ronan froze where he stood, staring down at the ground, half looking away from him. After a beat, he slowly turned his head and glared. Adam wondered if he went too far. But it was true, though. He did have a nice smile. It had dimples.

Adam leaned back against the bar as Ronan stared at him silently, putting space between them again in case this was genuine rage inside him and not simple annoyance. Ronan continued to stare as the song kicked up and people continued to dance and rock out around them. He wondered what he was thinking. There was something unsaid here, but Adam didn't know what.

Then Ronan looked away. He peered into the crowd for a length, then back to Adam.

"I saw you in the crowd earlier," Adam clarified.

"And didn't come say hello?" Ronan asked, sarcasm hinted heavily.

"Yes, I know I almost risked missing this sizzling discussion," Adam quipped, "but I didn't want you to kill me for showing up. Not when last time we talked you told me to fuck off."

"I... I was surprised." Ronan wasn't glaring anymore.

"Clearly." And Adam wasn't teasing him anymore.

They continued to stand there, quiet, not quite looking at each other but taking the other's presence in. He could feel Ronan's eyes rake over him. His heart beat just a little faster. This was stupid dangerous. Ronan chewed on his lip as he inclined forward again.

"Are you- are you here with anyone?" he said.

"What?"

Ronan groaned, rolling his eyes. He looked put out. Adam tried not to grin from amusement. He had to lean in again to Adam, and was shoved in the process by someone, fumbling forward and knocking the pair of them together. For a moment Ronan's face was close to his and hands touched at his waist. It didn't hurt; it was just uncomfortable. Ronan promptly recoiled and mumbled something Adam didn't catch. He was beet red in the face again, this time visibly from the awkwardness some stranger bestowed upon them. He wasn't sure what else to say, to lessen the awkwardness. Ronan didn't appear to be wanting to leave yet, but he wasn't saying anything.

It wasn't until Adam moved to speak did Ronan comply and move, too. He leaned in again, slower than before. His eyes were focused heavily on the ground.

"Are you here with anyone?" he asked.

Adam almost smiled, but he bit back the urge. "Yeah," he said. "This guy. First date. I don't think he likes me all too much." He gestured to an old man next to them at the bar. The man looked over confused, and Adam snickered when he noticed. When he turned back, he found Ronan smiling a little. Not quite as bright as before when he was with Noah, but it was something.

"Well I should let you get back to your date," he said, and he moved back a step to leave.

Adam bit down on his lip, faced with the fact he had a conversation with Ronan but not about why he came. He was about to slip away and he didn't get the date yet.

This time, he was the one to lean in.

"Are you here with anyone?" He knew he was.

"Yeah, with Noah," Ronan replied, casual without any hint of irritation. It was weird, hearing him talk so plainly.

"Are you two...?"

Ronan balked. "No way. We're just friends."

Here he went. He almost reached to touch at Ronan's shoulder, but thought better of it and left his hands at his sides. The music was still intensely playing, a constant thump thump in his head. He had to speak louder over the guitars. "Then why did you say no to me?" he said.

Ronan gave him a look. It was another one of mild amusement. Adam liked seeing it. "You think you're hot shit, huh, Parrish?" he said, playful almost. "You think you can use your pretty face to get whatever you want."

Adam shrugged. "Sometimes it works," he said coolly.

"Not on me"

"Beg to differ." Adam lost the strength to hide his smile. "You said I'm pretty. I think it worked a little."

Ronan glowered, no longer enjoying their banter it seemed. He continued to until his song ended. When he registered, it was as the band started talking about their next one.

"Fuck. I missed my song." He looked away, until Adam poked him on the chest again.

"Which is worse," he said, "missing your song, or talking to me?"

"They're tied," he said.

Adam frowned. "You're not as mean outside of school. I mean, you're still mean, but..."

Ronan frowned back. "That's what the education system brings out in me. I fucking hate it there."

"Wouldn't have guessed." Adam could see him starting to mentally pull further away. "Always looks like you're having the time of your life."

Ronan rolled his eyes, but his cheeks trembled a little.

"Is that another smile I see forming on your face? Oh my god. Does Ronan Lynch _have a sense of humor_?"

The trembling died. "It's too refined for you," he replied.

Adam raised one eyebrow. "I doubt it."

Ronan looked back at him with mild disdain, but he wasn't leaving. That was telling, and Adam admitted to himself he wasn't hating this as much as he thought he would. Ronan was impossible, but he was kind of funny in an unintentional way.

"Are you going to Tad's party Saturday?" he asked him.

Ronan scoffed. "Tad's a fucking pretentious douchebag and the party would just be full of all the pretentious douche bags from school," he said.

"You'd fit right in," Adam teased.

Ronan scowled. "So would you."

Adam wasn't amused anymore. "Fuck you, Lynch"

"Many have tried."

Adam didn't find that funny. He rolled his eyes. "I was going to ask if you wanted to come with me," he said.

"Why?"

"To get to know you better," he said. That much was true.

"Why? Why me? Why do you like me?"

Adam wasn't sure how to respond. He didn't want to lie. There were enough lies around this he didn't want to lie here, as well.

"I can't honestly answer that question," he said. "Maybe it's the way you say fuck you."

Ronan scowled a little. At this point he was upset again, arms coming to defensively cross his chest and eyes penetrating holes in him. Adam wasn't sure if he wanted to do this. Talking to him made it more aware he was a person and not just a hooligan from class.

"I think it could be fun," he said, adding last minute. It was possible if they didn't kill each other at the party they could have fun. Maybe. More conversations like the better part of this one, and.... Ronan wasn't a complete annoyance.

Judging by the way he responded by looking away, he appeared shaken by the thought.

"I gotta go back to Noah," he said. "He's small, he'll get stomped on in the mosh pit."

Adam didn't know what those words meant. "Okay."

Ronan promptly started to move away. Adam didn't realize that was the end of the conversation and he quickly grabbed at Ronan's wrist, faintly touching it enough to stop him.

"Is that a yes?" he asked.

Ronan looked back. "No."

"Is that a no?"

Ronan thought about it. "No," he finally said.

Adam felt a flutter in his chest. Progress. He realized he was still holding his wrist as he pulled from the counter, and he let go to see Ronan feel the skin he touched with his other hand.

"I'll pick you up then," he said.

Ronan looked like he was about to argue, but he must have thought better of it. Instead, he looked at Adam suspiciously, then disappeared into the crowd.

Adam stayed the rest of the concert, allowing himself to enjoy the band. He remained by the bar the rest of the time to keep some distance between him and Ronan. At the end of the night he made sure to leave early though, before he ran into Ronan and Noah.

On the drive back home, he realized he was excited for the party that weekend now, when normally he hated any event outside school with his classmates. He wasn't sure if it was the money or Ronan. Money, he thought. That was the more logical answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again. i'm on a roll with this one it's insane. and for the most part this story will be in adam's pov but sometimes i will go to ronan's bc that's how the movie is and also it's nice to get both their sides right? :)
> 
> thanks for reading! feel free to comment :) i love hearing what you all think.
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [here](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)


	3. Tad's Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don't have a wand," Adam noticed. Ronan looked around until he realized he was talking to him. He looked down and then back up.
> 
> "And you don't have a hairy dog man hanging around you," he replied.
> 
> "I know." Adam pretended to pout. "He shaved." As he walked around back to the other side of the counter he reached and touched at Ronan's shaved head, who flinched from the touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok a mild trigger warning: there's a small moment when someone tries to push themselves on someone else, and it lasts a few lines but nothing really happens. i just wanted y'all to know in case. if i should be more concrete about exactly where or etc let me know ok?

The next day at school Adam had English and Latin with Ronan, and it was an interesting and new dynamic at school since last night. Ronan still didn't talk to him but he didn't exactly ignore him. In both classes he still sat away from him, but when he came into class he made eye contact with Adam and held it long enough Adam registered it was some weird hello. He nodded at him, and then both times Ronan swiftly looked away.

Adam didn't understand what was happening, but he didn't mind it.

At lunch that day he saw Ronan alone outside sitting by one of the trees, listening to his music. They were at a weird stage. Adam only asked him out because Gansey paid him to, but they had semi official plans to go out tomorrow night. For some reason he wanted to go over and say hi. To make tomorrow less awkward.

But halfway toward him he was beat out by Noah and Gansey, and he faltered, quickly turning around to be less obvious about where he was going. He would just wait to talk to him tomorrow.

When the last bell rang that day he walked to his locker like he always did, but this time there was a tall lanky punk with a shaved head blocking his access. He slowed his walk to a casual tread and approached him in silence, almost ignoring him. When he reached for his locker's handle, Ronan didn't move. His hand caught on Ronan's waist as a result, and he was quick to jerk it back when he realized.

Adam was aware that he changed things between them by asking him out, but he was surprised by what things changed.

After a while of Ronan saying nothing, Adam 

"To what do I owe the displeasure of having my locker blocked?" he said.

"Do you have the notes for Chemistry?"

Ronan spoke so casually it was as if this always happened.

"No," he said. "Because I'm in AP Chemistry."

"Oh." Ronan frowned. "Why the fuck would you be in that?"

Adam's jaw hurt from the amount of times he pushed the lower half of it out at things Ronan said. He motioned again for his locker instead of replying, and this time Ronan moved enough to the side to let him reach. Adam put in his combination and then yanked the handle open, pushing Ronan aside as a result.

Instead of leaving, which was partially Adam's intention in his frustration, Ronan stood there watching him switch out books while he balanced his backpack on his knee pressed up against the lockers. There was something to be said about their mutual stubbornness. Neither seemed to want to be the first to speak again, and for a while they were quietly standing beside one another as Adam went through his locker and Ronan watched him do so. There was a point when he dropped his notebook on the floor that he thought Ronan would make a stupid comment, but he didn't. Instead, he reached down and grabbed the notebook for him, handing it over his locker door without any hint of resentment.

When Adam finished with his book exchange, he shut his locker and folded his arms defensively in front of him around his books. He took in Ronan's restrained hostility as he remembered what he wanted from him earlier.

"I don't know where you live," he said.

In came Ronan's furrowed brow.

"Why the fuck do you need to know where I live?" He sounded less volatile than usual.

Adam held his books tighter to his chest, reminding himself not to break into an argument out here in the hallway.

"So I can pick you up", he said. "For our date."

"I didn't agree to that," Ronan said with a scoff. He looked absurdly handsome when he smiled, and he was smiling now, which wore at Adam's irritation, numbing him a little to Ronan's attitude. He almost found him endearing. Almost.

"Ah, yes, but you didn't disagree either," he said, teasing.

Ronan's smile withered, and so did Adam's patience.

"So?"

"So give me your address," he said, a little snappier than he meant to. When Ronan still didn't look like he was going to hand it over, Adam snidely added, "Do you need me to say it in Latin so you'll understand it?"

Ronan smirked condescendingly and shrugged, leaning against the lockers with his shoulder. His eyes were glinting from his smugness.

"Yeah actually," he said, inclining forward. "I do."

"I, uh... Fuck." Well that backfired on him. He meant to make it a dig at Ronan, but instead it just came out as a dig on his own issues with Latin grammar. "Quae.... Quae est oratio, uh, tua?"

Ronan snorted.

"Oh, bite me Lynch," Adam groaned, face getting hot with embarrassment. He really needed to work on his Latin. "Address."

While he was having a hard time not saying things he knows he would regret, Ronan seemed to be having a grand old time, smirking still as he touched around on his chest.

"I don't have a pen," he said, pulling at Adam's patience further.

"You have a phone, don't you?" He rolled his eyes. "Jesus."

Ronan shrugged. "Who's to say?"

Adam tucked his books under his arms and stretched out a hand toward him. "Hand it over."

"I don't like your tone," Ronan replied, tilting his head away a little like Adam was upsetting him for talking to him like this. He was pretty sure he was going to have jaw problems thanks to Ronan. All this grinding.

"Hand it over, Lynch," he said, not sounding the least bit polite. He sounded put off but that was because he felt like it, having to endure this when he thought they were over this after last night.

"This is very rude behavior for someone who just asked me out yesterday," Ronan remarked.

Adam rolled his eyes, hand still outstretched. "I can't take you out if I don't know where you live," he replied.

They looked at one another at that. Ronan's eyes were so blue and bright and full of mischief. Adam narrowed his own to try to beat Ronan at this little game. They were testing one another, waiting for the other to back off first. Adam wasn't going to lose. He was skilled at staring people down, and he was determined to get that address. Ronan was a stubborn guy too, having glared Tad Carruthers into silence for an entire school assembly once.

But eventually one of them has to surrender, and Adam was now the one to be smug when it came to be Ronan. He reached into his pocket for his phone, an old model and battered as if he liked the pastime of throwing it against walls or something.

"What do you want with my phone?" Ronan asked, picking at a part of its cracked screen.

"Can I see it?" Adam sighed.

"Here it is." Ronan held it in front of him. Adam wasn't laughing. He poked at Ronan's chest like he had gotten into the habit of doing last night, which made the brooding bald boy before him hold back a snicker, and he did it again so he got the message. Resigned, Ronan handed his phone over with a heavy sigh, as if he was being bullied into this. Maybe he was. Adam didn't really care. He walked himself over to Adam's locker without any coercion and he easily could walk away from it.

At once, Adam found his phone usage pretty basic. He didn't have any apps outside the generic ones that came with the phone, his wallpaper still one the manufacturer put in it. After noticing this, he went into his contacts and added himself. For convenience.

When he made enough money last summer he had a choice between car and phone and he chose phone because he had his bike and he could hide it easier from his parents when he was still living with them. Ronan was about to be only the third contact added into it after Blue and Boyd. He looked up at Ronan after he put in his information, who was watching his fingers tapping on the screen.

"Address?"

Ronan frowned as he looked up, but nevertheless recited it to him. He texted it to himself, and felt the vibration in his pocket when he knew it had been sent.

"I'll see you around nine," he said, handing his phone back over.

Ronan took it back reluctantly, looking displeased. "A good party doesn't start until at least ten," he said.

"And you would know all about good parties, wouldn't you?"

Ronan opened his mouth to speak but nothing. He looked down at his phone, probably realizing now he had Adam's number now. His hand squeezed around his phone until his knuckles went white. Strange.

"Don't abuse that, by the way," he made sure to add. "I don't have unlimited texting."

"Because I'm just the kind of guy that texts people so much," Ronan said dryly.

Adam shrugged. "I don't know you well enough to define your cell phone habits," he replied earnestly.

"I liked you better when you left me alone," Ronan said tersely.

"I doubt that very much. See you at 9."

He patted him on the cheek before he walked away. As Adam was making his way down the hall, he remembered something and turned around, still leaving but backwards now. He wondered if it looked as smooth as he felt it did.

"By the way," he said, noticing Ronan had already been watching him go. "It's a costume party."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "Fuck you," he hissed.

"I love it when you curse."

Ronan's cheeks visibly pinkened.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On Saturday afternoon, just hours before the party, Adam took Blue with him to look for some costumes. This was to be his first Halloween, but he felt no sadness towards that. As a kid he envied those who could enjoy it, but now here he was buying a costume and he was eager to choose, but at the same time completely overwhelmed with his options.

He used some of the money Gansey gave him to go costume shopping, and over the course of a couple hours and three different shops Adam decided on Han Solo.

"I wish I could come," she said, pouting as she browsed her own options for costumes. Their Halloween plans last year were watching horror films well into the night and stuffing their faces with candy, but this year they hadn't yet made plans. Blue suspected she was going to do something with her mystery beau, and Adam's life had been turned upside down so quickly he wasn't sure what his schedule would look like in a few weeks either.

"Did you want to?" he asked her, more than happy to have her tag along. No one said he couldn't bring a friend on his date.

"And be a third wheel?" She scrunched her nose, moving beyond the historical costume aisle. "No thank you. You're already going to have your hands full as it is."

Adam paused, staring after her as she kept going down the aisle without him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he said.

"I think you know what it means," she replied, turning around to find him further away from her than she expected.

"Because he's a giant baby who'll probably whine the entire night?" he suggested. Blue walked back toward him, head tilted to one side, which meant that wasn't her intention.

"Mm, mean that I did not," she said.

"Huh?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm being Yoda," she said. She picked at his shopping bag, where his costume was inside.

"Oh." He didn't find what she said very funny.

Blue rolled her eyes again and she kept walking. Adam kept in step with her this time, and noted there was something she wanted to say on the tip of her tongue, as she squinted staring ahead and avoided eye contact with him. Eventually it overcame her and she paused again, looking up at him. "You haven't shut up about this guy since this whole thing started," she said.

"Because he gets on my nerves and I don't like him," he said, defensively.

"You talk an awful lot about him for someone who doesn't like him," she replied smartly.

"Alright, miss I've got a secret boyfriend so now I think I know everything," he argued.

She slapped at his shoulder. "Shut up."

He caught her smiling a little, and he smiled back, if only because she was. There wasn't any humor found in what she said, however; he didn't like Ronan that way. He got on his nerves and had bad jokes and yes while he was attractive his personality made it a little hard to notice that.

"After tomorrow night I'm never talking to Ronan Lynch outside of class again," he declared. "I don't like him. You won't hear a word about him after that."

"Okay." Blue got under his skin with her okay. It was curt and quiet. There was something unsaid underneath, visible in her elevated pitch, but she didn't elaborate and he didn't want her to. This was just a sponsored date like Gansey said. He wasn't going for Ronan, he was going for Matthew. For the money.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was Saturday night and Ronan's plans for the evening were to hang out in his room and maybe play a video game or something. He had no intentions of going out at all. While he was cooped up in his room for the better part of the day, he could hear Matthew in the room one over excited and happy. He was playing happy music and at one point when Ronan went out into the hall to go downstairs, he saw him putting on a costume. Halloween wasn't for another week, but he didn't ask.

It was past dinner time and Ronan realized he literally spent the entire day in his room. He was lying on his bed as Matthew's music was still playing through the wall. Chainsaw, his pet raven, was perched on his chest and pecking on his shirt. He had been staring at the ceiling for at least an hour, if he had to guess, thinking about Adam.

Since he arrived at school, Ronan admitted to admiring him from an aesthetic perspective. He admired his book smarts as well, and was overwhelmed when he talked in class, but he never expected him to like him. Ronan was combative. He was angry. People often think of him as a snake, dangerous and if too close had the habit of biting. He wondered what Adam saw him as. Did he think he was a snake?

Chainsaw nipped at the skin on his neck.

"Ow. Shit."

He knew she only pecked there to get his attention, but it still hurt. He ran a finger delicately from the front to back of her head, wishing he could be a bird. At least they didn't have to deal with high school.

He was staring at his phone at the chat conversation he had with Adam, even though all that was in it was Adam having texted himself Ronan's address. He doubted he would use it, probably having forgotten. Adam got under his skin and he didn't like it. This was probably some weird elaborate prank.

"Ronan! Hey, Ronan! Come downstairs! Ronan!"

Declan was calling for him from downstairs, and by the repetition of his name it didn't sound like he was going to quit until Ronan responded.

After delicately getting Chainsaw off his chest and settled down onto his desk, he went out into the hall and to the top of the stairs looking down to where Declan stood.

"What is it?" he said, clearly agitated.

Someone else stepped into his line of sight and he froze. A cold chill ran down his spine, while simultaneously he was made hot all over. Adam looked up at him in a Han Solo costume, looking- well frankly he looked pretty hot. It pissed Ronan off.

"What are you doing here?" He self consciously folded his arms over his chest. His shirt had holes in it from Chainsaw, he hadn't showered, and he was wearing sweatpants. This was not the look he wanted any cute boy to ever see him in, no matter how much they got on his nerves.

"I'm picking you up." Adam then turned his head to the side and took all of Ronan in. He gave him a judging expression. "Is that what you're wearing?"

Ronan wanted to say yes just to spite him but he also didn't want to go to the party. Then Matthew came barreling down the stairs past him all excited and breathless.

"I'll be out in the car!" he exclaimed.

Declan stepped forward catching him before he raced out the door.

"Hey, wait! Matthew!" he shouted. He looked between his two brothers, pointing to them both. "He's not going if you're not going," he said to Ronan. "Are you going?"

"Yes, Ronan, are you going?" Adam looked at him teasingly. He had his hair messier than usual to go with Han's look, his pants and shirt tighter than his school uniform's, adding to things Ronan did not need to have in his memory bank. His shirt had a v-neck that spread down to show a little of his collarbone and his chest. The sight of him in the outfit did something to him. He was full of... annoyance. That he showed up. He touched again self consciously at his shirt, picking at one of the holes. Matthew was standing beside him, begging silently with his face. He was dressed as Spider-Man, to Ronan's surprise.

"I'll be a minute," he said.

"You mean that's not your costume?"

Ronan mimicked him under his breath, and Adam then grinned impishly up at him, silencing him immediately. This was a problem.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On the drive to Tad's, Matthew sat in the backseat and spent the entire time on his phone. Ronan sat in the passenger's seat next to Adam, who was still taking in Ronan's costume choice. He came downstairs fifteen minutes later having showered and changed wearing part of their school uniform and a Gryffindor robe. He had the hood up for the first part of the drive, until Adam reached over and pulled it down.

"What was that for?" Ronan snapped. He glared across the car but didn't motion to put the hood back on.

Adam shrugged. "You look ridiculous with the hood on," he said.

"I'm hiding my face," Ronan countered. He looked out his window, sitting funny so he was all scrunched up. This car was too small for him and his long legs. "I'm too handsome today."

"Jesus wept." Adam rolled his eyes. As they reached a red light he took it upon himself to reach out and pick at one of Ronan's big and baggy sleeves.

"I'm a wizard from Hogwarts," Ronan retorted to nothing. Adam snorted. "Shut the fuck up."

"I never thought I would hear those words come out of your mouth," Adam laughed.

Ronan was upset and clearly blushing, turning away toward the window again. He pulled his closer arm away from Adam, holding it to his chest protectively.

"I said shut up," he hissed. "It's all I had."

"Oh no." Adam raised both his hands at him as he started snickering more. "Don't cast a spell on me in your rage."

"Hilarious," Ronan replied, his tone acidic.

Adam breathed out one last laugh and then sighed, content with himself. The light turned green as he smiled.

"Thank you. I thought it was funny too."

Ronan continued to fold his arms and stare out the window. He was not amused. Adam chewed his lip as he watched him out of the corner of his eye. He didn't return the hood to his head but he might as well have, evading conversation or looking anywhere else but the exterior of the car.

Well this date was going great so far. He bought a costume for this.

"Why did you pick me up?" Ronan sounded upset when he asked. Adam didn't understand exactly why. He watched as he turned to steal a look at his younger brother over his shoulder, then turn back and stare at Adam.

"I asked you on the date," Adam answered plainly. "Isn't it reasonable I offer the ride?"

Ronan sat up in his seat. His head almost hit the ceiling as a result. He put a hand out to register the distance as he moved to turn toward Adam. "Don't you bike to school?" he said.

"I do." Ronan raised his eyebrows as if expecting more of an answer than that. Adam sighed, giving in. "This isn't my car," he confessed. "I don't have one. I borrowed it from my friend."

He looked over at Ronan who was looking at him with mild surprise. Adam then realized what this looked like.

"Oh get over yourself," he grumbled.

$1500 was starting to seem like a low ball price for this.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam parked down the street from Tad's, and once he put the car in park Matthew jumped out the back and shouted "Bye!" as he ran off towards the house. After Adam and Ronan started following after him, Adam spotted him meeting up with a girl at the sidewalk up the street, someone he knew from his previous high school and who was dressed like Catwoman.

Adam gently slapped at Ronan's chest to gain his attention and gesture towards the couple.

"Is that your brother's girlfriend?"

Ronan said nothing to him, walking along with his gaze holding onto something unknown in the distance.

"Such the conversationalist," Adam remarked. "This is already going so great."

Ronan's head turned toward him, and he stared at him blankly a length.

"Have you ever taken into consideration maybe you're the boring one?" he replied.

"No," Adam said casually. "I really think it's you."

The two spent the rest of the walk toward Tad's house in silence.

Inside, the party was already alive and well, a monster of its own making. Music was blaring throughout the very large and fancy home, which was full of people to a point Adam felt almost claustrophobic stepping inside. People were drinking and dancing and playing beer pong and other party games around them that he could see in just the first two rooms alone.

He paused at the open doorway as he surveyed everything, hating most everyone here. It was crowded with people he didn't recognize too, girls and guys from other schools. Ronan paused beside him, close with their shoulders pressed together. Their hands gently touched, which reminded Adam he didn't want to lose him to the crowd. He was damned if he didn't give Ronan a night to remember.

At that, he reached and gently gripped at Ronan's wrist, walking forward into the pits of high school hell. Behind him Ronan came, dragged along by the wrist.

"Is this how the whole date is going to go?" Ronan snidely remarked close into his ear. Adam shivered from the tickle of his breath on such sensitive skin. He somehow remembered which ear to properly talk into. "You pulling me along like a puppy?"

"I don't want to lose you in the crowd," he shot back over his shoulder. They had to walk at a sideways angle to get through people waiting for the bathroom. "It's a lot more packed than I expected."

"Tad has a lot of friends," Ronan replied.

Adam turned back to look at him, and together they laughed a little at Tad's expense. After a few seconds of sharing, they were free on the other side, and Adam paused at the foot of the stairs. He released Ronan's hand, knowing this was probably going to backfire on him in some way. Gesturing forward, he allowed Ronan to walk ahead of him through the mess of people. He made sure not to step on Ronan's robe as they walked.

After ages, and several rooms, they eventually found themselves in the kitchen. While it was still occupied, it wasn't hellishly packed, and the music didn't travel well in here so it gave their ears a break.

Coming around to the other side of the small island in the center, Adam started to fish around the large collection of bottles that littered the island's countertop. He was in search of something non alcoholic. "Do you want a drink?" he asked. Ronan was still standing on the other side, directly across from him with the pile between them.

Adam wasn't sure how well this date was going so far but he hadn't left his side yet. That was something.

Instead of verbally responding, Ronan  reached into the pile and pulled out root beer. He offered it to Adam, who took it and smelled inside for hints of sneaked in rum or whiskey or anything but it smelled fine. When he started to search for a cup Ronan then offered one to him before he even said anything.

He silently offered his appreciation with a nod and a small smile, moving to fill it up with the root beer and handing it over to Ronan. There was silent exchange of it for another empty cup, which Adam filled for himself.

Quietly they each took a sip of their drinks, eyeing the other over the plastic rims. As he stared he found Ronan's eyes wandering down, and then slowly come back up. When their gazes met again, he was swift to look away.

"You don't have a wand," Adam noticed. Ronan looked around until he realized he was talking to him. He looked down and then back up.

"And you don't have a hairy dog man hanging around you," he replied.

"I know." Adam pretended to pout. "He shaved." As he walked around back to the other side of the counter he reached and touched at Ronan's shaved head, who flinched from the touch. Nevertheless, he followed quietly after Adam into the other rooms. After one room out from the kitchen, Adam felt something cling to his free hand as they moved through the people. It was Ronan reaching out and holding onto his wrist this time, a whisper of a touch but a touch nonetheless. When he looked back, he found Ronan busy looking around at everyone else.

In the room one over they had to quickly avoid very large wings attached to the back of someone dressed as a bat, who kept moving around as they described a story to a group of others. After pushing through, they moved into a room full of dancing. Adam turned to Ronan, and before he could even say a word the hooligan could sense what he was about to ask.

His face distorted into disgust.

"I'm not fucking dancing," he said.

"You danced at Grunge House," Adam noted.

Ronan blushed. His gaze dropped. "That was different."

"I'm not asking you to grind on me or anything," he groaned. When Ronan looked to be avoiding his gaze even as he dipped down to try to find it, he soured. "Ugh. Never mind."

They pushed further along into another room that featured beer pong, and Adam halfheartedly gestured to it. He was tired already. He didn't like parties much either, and the constant thump thump of the music was giving him a headache.

"There's that," he offered.

"I'm not drinking from a cup where a ball has been that's touched the floor and passed through so many hands," he said.

"Good point," Adam said unfortunately.

In the room one over people were playing spin the bottle, but Ronan only needed to take one look at them before he kept walking. Adam didn't even get a word in edgewise, but he was intrigued in how quick Ronan flushed and stormed away.

Eventually they found themselves in one of Tad's many sitting rooms, where there was a free sofa in the corner they could sit in. Adam pushed through the collective of bodies and sat down, which triggered a release of his wrist. Ronan remained above him, looking as if he was internally debating something. But before Adam could speak up on the matter, he sat down beside him, sinking into Adam. Their shoulders knocked together, thighs pressed tight. It was a small sofa.

They sat there a while, quiet. They sipped their sodas as people talked around them and drank and danced. Adam didn't know what to say. When he looked over Ronan was already looking at him.

"What?" He frowned.

"You've got something on your face." Ronan pointed.

"Let me guess," and Adam rolled his eyes. "My freckles." He was unamused with the constant comments on them. Ronan never exactly mocked them, but he often remarked on them that Adam felt that was what he had to be doing.

"No, you actually...." He leaned forward, and before Adam could react he ran a finger across Adam's cheek and down the side to the edge of his jaw. A soft chill ran down his spine, his skin was tingling. That was unexpected.

He visibly swallowed as he couldn't find the will to move.

"What was it?" he said.

Ronan shrugged. "An eyelash or something," he said plainly.

"Oh."

They awkwardly both turned to face forward. Adam continued to sip on his soda, noticing out of the corner of his eye Ronan doing the same.

"So, uh, how was the rest of the concert the other day?" he asked.

"It was fine," said Ronan. He set down his cup in his lap. "How was your date?"

"My-? Oh." Adam almost laughed. "Well, he wasn't as lively a conversationalist as you are."

"Mm."

Adam half expected an actual response from that, but shouldn't have been surprised not to get one. He continued to roll his eyes again as he drank more from his soda. His attention averted to those around them, taking in the scene. As he examined everyone's costumes, people having a better time than they were, he noticed a very expensive and elaborate looking Batman in the corner.

He almost choked on his soda, and quickly tapped with the back of his hand at Ronan's chest to gain his attention. With his eyes still cast towards the Batman, he said, "God, how much did he fork out for that? I could probably pay the rent of my apartment for six months with what he spent on that."

Ronan looked over too as a result, and then laughed a little. He had a nice laugh. It made everything seem funnier.

"He's still wearing sneakers though," he said, pointing down. "Couldn't fork out a little extra for at least black ones."

"It's the exercising Batman's look," Adam said. "For a Batman who goes on jogs between catching bad guys."

"He's just missing the sweatband," Ronan said, gesturing to his own head where it would go.

"Maybe it's built into the cowl."

They both snickered into their sodas, Adam feeling pride for his humor being reciprocated. They were both assholes.

"Maybe he ran out of money," Ronan mused. "Shoes were last on the list and by the time he got there he had to go on budget."

"Poor Bruce Wayne." Adam shook his head, trying to keep a straight face. "Bankrupted by sneakers."

They must have looked like quite the pair, laughing in the corner to themselves, ignoring everyone else around them for the most part.

All these people have so much money and so many of their costumes were either offensive or lazy. Adam and Ronan continued to poke fun at several more costumes, until Ronan's hand touched at Adam's on the sofa between them. Adam almost forgot this was a date. Shit. He blanked on what to do next. Ronan looked over at him and Adam no longer saw the punk that annoyed him at school. All he saw was Ronan. A boy. A boy he was rather starting to enjoy.

Without thinking Adam turned his hand over and let Ronan's move into place. What the fuck was he doing? Why the fuck was Ronan responding to it with his own hand moving into place? His palm was getting sweaty, or maybe that was Ronan's, as they pressed together. When their fingers started to lace together, that's when Adam could feel his chest ache.

Feeling very nervous and shaky with guilt, Adam pulled his hand free and used the excuse of touching somewhere else as his reason. Ronan didn't appear to take offense when Adam's hand moved instead to his chest, touching at the hem of the robe. His eyes fell down to follow Adam's hand.

"When did you get this costume?" he said.

"Two years ago," Ronan said casually. "The rest of it doesn't fit anymore."

"Did you used to go trick or treating as a kid with your brothers?" Adam fingered the little Hogwarts logo across his chest, pressing into his side.

"That's a dumb question," said Ronan.

"No it isn't." Adam dropped his hand. "I never went."

Ronan looked surprised, and as Adam moved to return to his side of the sofa, Ronan looked like he wanted to ask what he meant by that but instead he just scowled back into silence.

This was really hard.

"Look, give me something to go off of here, would you?" Adam asked. "Unless you want to have a miserable time here."

"I'm not having a miserable time."

There was sincerity in his face, which Adam could see when he looked over, even as Ronan avoided eye contact. He smiled a little to himself as he faced away again. "Oh," he replied.

They went quiet again, but it was less uncomfortable than before. Being pressed together wasn't so bad anymore, even if they weren't talking. Adam didn't know what else to really say, but he didn't know how to say them. He had things he always wondered about Ronan, but he didn't want to interrogate him.

"Why do you live in St. Agnes?" Ronan didn't appear to have the same restraint.

Adam shifted in his seat, feeling discomfort from him asking. No one at school actually asked why it was he lived in a church. They sort of just accepted it after someone found out and told everyone else. "Why do you wanna know?" he asked.

"I don't." Ronan kept his gaze turned away. "I don't care. Just making small talk. Isn't that what people do on dates?"

Adam watched him start to fidget with his cup in turn. He was nervous, like him. They were both pretty bad at this.

"I've seen you at the church a few times," Adam noted.

Finally Ronan looked over. "Yeah," he admitted. "Used to be my family church. I still go when I feel like it."

"Never would've taken you for a church goer. Thought you were trying to burn it down or something," Adam said, trying for humor.

It seemed to work, as Ronan scoffed, a small smile playing at his lips while he shook his head down at his cup. Adam liked when he smiled. It softened the edges.

While he had him in a good place, he turned toward him, one leg coming up to rest on the sofa cushion. He rested his elbow on the back of the sofa and held his head with his hand, taking Ronan all in. He sat as if he was trying to fit into a compact space, when upon further investigation Adam could see a little space left on the other side of him. But he said nothing.

"Why did you say yes?" he asked.

Ronan looked up and over at him. His face shifted into a blander expression, little wrinkles appearing in his forehead. "Say yes to what?"

"To this." Adam crooked a finger toward himself and then tilted it toward Ronan.

"I didn't," Ronan replied curtly.

"You came," said Adam, struggling not to roll his eyes. "That's saying yes."

There was the ever present urge to argue, which was evident all over Ronan's face, but he must have realized he was put in a corner and couldn't argue his way out of this one. He didn't say anything. He breathed out his nose, mouth shut right. His fingers stopped messing with his cup.

"I figured you wouldn't stop asking until I said yes," he said. His eyes flickered up to Adam's, charged with something unidentifiable. "You're annoying that way."

His brow rose a little in response. "What way is that?"

"You're persistent."

"Well, when I want something, I usually don't stop until I get it."

Ronan looked over at him wide eyed and then Adam realized what he said and what he was doing. Now he was the one blushing now and looking away. Christ.

His hand had moved to sit atop Ronan's and he had unfortunately leaned in. This had accidentally become a seduction. He was quick to jerk back, and he ducked his head.

Ronan stood up after that, and Adam thought it made sense. He made a fool of himself and Ronan was getting out before it was over.

"I'm out," he said, referring to his drink. He tilted it toward Adam so he could see it was empty.

"Oh." Adam wanted to pinch his cheeks. They were still hot with humility. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"I think I can find my way back by myself," Ronan replied, smirking. "I've got these things called legs."

"You sure? You don't need a chaperone?" Adam teased.

"I know it'll be hard being away from me for so long, but I promise you'll survive," Ronan replied, somewhat fondly.

"Oh, you know I don't think I will." Adam put a hand to his chest as he looked up. "Who else am I going to find to glare at me so pointedly?"

Ronan gave him the finger as he walked away. He was fighting back a smile, and so was Adam.

The high he got off that barely lasted a minute until he saw Tad approaching him from the same direction. He sat all too closely with a loose smile and lazy limbs.

"Hey, Parrish," he slurred.

Adam waved a hand in the air. He stunk of beer. "God, you're drunk, Carruthers," he said.

"All the better to talk with you, my dear." Tad ran a finger through the v in Adam's shirt collar, fingering the bare skin. Adam had to push his hand off.

"What?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ronan was fighting back a smile as he pushed through the crowd of people standing between him and the kitchen. He hated to admit it but he was having a nicer time than he thought he would. Adam was... He couldn't put it into words.

His mood couldn't even be killed when he saw Matthew with Julia in a corner, being happy and flirty. He was swift to turn away, not comfortable with seeing his baby brother being like that. He was going to mind his own business. Matthew was happy. Maybe Ronan was a little happy, too.

After he filled his cup, he didn't have plans to stay away from Adam much longer, but as he was walking back he ran into Henry Cheng.

He groaned when Henry spotted him in turn and approached him.

"Hey... Ronan," he said.

Ronan paused. "Cheng."

Ronan didn't know how to talk to him when he was dressed like this. Henry was wearing a tight fitting striped yellow and black shirt and snug looking black shorts. Ronan realized he was eyeing him unintentionally as he was wondering what it was he was supposed to be.

As if reading his mind Cheng said, "I'm a sexy bee."

"A what?" Ronan wished Adam was here to hear this.

"A sexy bee." He showed off his little wings at his back, and then showed the headband he hadn't put on yet which were meant to be the bee's antenna. He noticed the stinger too and was completely baffled. He couldn't believe he used to have a crush on him.

"Surprised to see you here," Henry said, returning his attention to the present. "You come here by yourself?"

"I wouldn't be caught dead here if it was by my choice. I'm, um...." He cleared his throat, made speechless. He didn't know how to explain he was on a date without explaining he was on a date.

"Oh my god, Ronan." Henry touched at his shoulder. He shook him off, but Henry was used to him being distant so he wasn't perturbed. He was still gaping, gleeful in his realization. "Are you here with someone?"

"No." Ronan wanted to walk away, but he knew Henry well enough that he would follow him until he got an answer. So he bit the bullet. "Yeah, so?"

"Wow. Who, uh, who is it?"

Ronan started walking away, declaring the conversation officially over.

"You know, I um." Henry wasn't so inclined for it to be, and he kept walking after him. "We're cool after the last time we were at a party, right?"

Ronan paused. "What are you on about?" he said, not turning around. Henry came around to the other side of him so he had to face him.

"You remember," he said. He did a little dance with his eyebrows.

"No."

"When we made out," Henry said, a little disappointed he had to say it out loud.

"Oh, that." Ronan almost forgot.

" _Oh_ , that." Henry rolled his eyes, irritated. This was clearly not the answer he wanted, but Ronan didn't care. 

"Could you stop following me?" he said, waving him away. "I don't feel comfortable with a bee so close to me. You might sting me.l

Henry frowned at him. This made him was mildly amused. He chuckled into his drink.

"Go buzz around someone else, Cheng," he said. "Bee seeing you."

Henry rolled his eyes. It was evident he had given up trying to talk. "I can't believe I made out with you," he said.

"I know, right. I'm pretty incredible."

"That's not what I--"

Ronan walked away a little smugger than before. He was actually smiling visibly as he walked back into the living room he was in before. People were looking, none too subtle, but he didn't care.

Adam was still at the sofa when he returned to the room they had been in, but he appeared to be talking to someone. Ronan pushed through the mass of bodies between them, until he spotted who it was, sitting too closely and whispering into his ear.

He felt a pinch in his chest. This was too good to be true.

Adam spotted him and waved, but Ronan was done. He should have seen this coming. Tad was always drooling over Adam at school like a lovesick puppy. Adam's smile broke as he stood there, and he realized he could probably see the wrecked look on his face. He quickly made himself look angry and turned away.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam pushed Tad off for the umpteenth time since he sat down next to him, a drunken mess that wouldn't leave him alone.

"You're drunk, Tad," he said, after Tad tried to put his head in his lap.

"And you're beautiful," he remarked.

"Thanks," Adam said witheringly.

Tad was ignorant to his tone and his visible mood, pushing forward again into him. He breathed heavily into his face as he whispered close, "Do you want to find a room somewhere? My room? Do you want to see my room?"

"I'm on a date, Tad," Adam said. He realized he should've openly said no regardless of that.

"What?" Tad started fingering his chest again. Adam slapped his hand away. "With who? With Ronan? Jesus, I thought that was like a pity thing."

Adam glared at him. "It's not a pity thing," he said.

"You could do so much better," Tad slurred, breathing too much on his face, inclining forward again.

"Watch it, Tad. Your displeasing personality is showing."

"I.... it's just-" Tad seemed to catch himself, but he leaned in again anyway. "He's so terrifying."

"He's more fun than you are," Adam remarked, in complete disbelief this is where his night had gone. Why couldn't Tad leave him alone for one second? Where was Ronan? "And there he is."

He saw Ronan amongst the crowd and he waved to him, but Ronan didn't wave back. He was frozen amongst the movement of the swarm of bodies around him, just staring. Adam didn't get it. They were having a nice time. Why was he so visibly upset? Tad started clinging to him again, and Ronan's face clouded over with a different, angrier expression. Adam was slow on the uptake, but now he could see what it was.

"Fuck," he said. He shoved Tad off so fast when Ronan turned and left.

"Ronan!"

Tad grabbed for his waist, slovenly clinging to him like a bad dream. "Adam, where are you going?"

"Let go." He removed Tad's hand and escaped him before he could reach again. The crowd seemed to thicken as he tried to push through it after Ronan. With his robe and his buzzcut he was easy to spot in the mess, as he fleetingly spotted him turning a corner. He moved through the people without any qualms, desperate to catch up to him.

"Ronan!" he shouted. "Ronan, wait!"

As he followed after him he saw Matthew and Julia fighting, but he was more concerned with the elder Lynch brother. He found him again near the stairwell, taking a red cup from a table full of them, downing it all in one. It was clear it was alcohol by the face he made after.

Shit. He was upset. Shit shit. He felt both guilty and annoyed with him for reacting this way. It wasn't like Tad had his tongue down his throat, or that he was enjoying talking to Tad. Why couldn't he stop and let Adam explain?

Across the room Ronan seemed to register him coming closer and he quickly disappeared again, pulling his hood up to blend in with those around him.

"Asshole," Adam muttered.

There were too many people at this party and too many rooms in this house that Adam was losing track of him, spotting him sporadically now and barely at that.

He moved into a room in the back, a den with a pool table in one corner and darts and a bunch of other things rich people apparently liked having in their homes so they didn't have to rub elbows with regular people while playing these games. At the poker table people were sat in a levels of undress, playing strip poker he presumed. Ronan was unsurprisingly not in there.

He kept looking, even circling back to the front of the house, where he found Gansey. Gansey was wearing a crown and a cape and weird puffy pants. He grabbed at his shoulder.

"Gansey, thank god," he breathed. "Have you seen-?"

When he turned around, his arm was wrapped around Blue's shoulders, and Adam stopped dead in his tracks. She was wearing a recycling shirt and blue jeans and a sheepish expression. A blue recycling bin.

"I have no words," he said.

She put a hand to her face.

"Yeah, I didn't think this through," she replied. "I should've assumed this would be the same party."

"You're dating Gansey?" All the stories he heard about him, he would've never guessed it was Gansey she was talking about.

"You two know each other?" Gansey was smiling and oblivious. He obviously didn't notice the tension.

"Yeah." Blue leaned into his side. "This is the Adam I'm always talking about. My best friend."

"Oh. Oh, wow!" Gansey was uplifted when he realized, again oblivious to the reaction the other two had. "What a weird small world," he said.

"It's a small town," she replied.

Adam was getting off course. He put his hands to his face. "I can't talk about this right now," he said, talking rushed. Each second he wasn't finding Ronan was another second he was off fuming and probably getting drunker and angrier. "Have you seen Ronan anywhere?"

Blue smirked. Now was not the time for her to be smug.

"No, I haven't seen him all night." Gansey removed his arm from around Blue to touch nervously at his face. He must have forgotten he wasn't wearing his glasses, because there weren't any on him tonight. It made him look different, but he was still very much Gansey. "What happened?"

Blue's expression turned into a frown, and then she gasped.

"Oh my god. Oh my _god_." She slapped him on the shoulder with her purse. Gansey flinched.

"Ow! Blue! What was that for?" He sounded genuinely hurt. Blue must have caught on.

"You're the rich boy that paid him?" She looked incredulously between the pair of them, and then Gansey did the same with her and Adam.

"I-- You told her about that?" he hissed.

Adam wasn't in the mood to be in the middle of this. He had other things to worry about.

"How was I to know you two were dating?" He shrugged. "She didn't tell me about you two."

Now Gansey's gaze turned back to Blue. "You didn't?"

"What you did was so much worse," she said, her hands coming to rest on her hips.

"I beg to differ."

When they started arguing, Adam registered he wasn't going to get any use out of them for finding Ronan. He rolled his eyes and walked away.

He made his way to the back of the house again, albeit it took a while. Outside he searched through Tad's back patio, where people were hanging out by the pool and a small fire pit that seemed to become a make out spot. Adam didn't see Ronan out here, but he did see Tad again.

"Adam!" Tad spotted him too and he waddled over before Adam could get away. "There you are. Come hang out with me by the fire."

"I'm looking for Ronan," he said, through clenched teeth.

Tad's hands moved to wander around him, and Adam was struggling to get him off. He was like an octopus, somehow even as Adam removed a hand there was another hand still on him always.

"I'll help you look for him," he said, coming in for a kiss. Adam jerked back, turning his head.

"He's not in there," he said.

"Oh, come on. Live a little," Tad cooed. "You know, last time was really nice. I know you liked it too."

"Stop it, Tad."

Tad kept coming for him. Adam tried to gently push him off.

"God, you're so hot when you're angry. Kiss me."

"No."

"Come on. _Kiss_ _me_. This is _my_ party."

"I said _no_." Out of reflex, he shoved him harder than he meant to. Tad staggered back and into the pool.

People swarmed the edge of the pool as Tad swam back up. When he surfaced he gasped out a loud and angry moan.

"I'm gonna make your life hell, Parrish!" he exclaimed.

Adam turned his back to him.

"You can't do worse than what I've already dealt with, Carruthers."

He looked around at the small group of people that encircled him, none of which were Ronan. So he asked, "Have any of you seen Ronan Lynch?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ronan was upstairs drinking. Having ignored the sign that said "Do Not Go Upstairs" he found himself relatively alone, drunk off whatever was poured into the red cups downstairs. He was trying very hard not to be sad, but it was backfiring the drunker he was getting.

He heard a splash outside from the pool, and he almost laughed. What kind of idiot was swimming at midnight in October?

With the music a faint pulsing from downstairs and the majority of the people far away from him, Ronan felt lonely up here, but he wasn't about to go back downstairs where Adam could find him. He didn't want to see him.

Why did Adam even ask him to come here, he thought. Why did he even come? Why is he in this stupid costume?

At that, he realized he didn't have to be, and he tried to take off his robe. But taking off a robe wasn't so easy when you're four shots and two mystery drinks deep. As he flailed about in an empty hallway, he became dizzy from all the movement, falling into a wall as he tripped over the back of the robe. He needed to lie down, but in the first room he checked there were people inside, and same with the second. In the third he found himself in a bathroom, but he didn't want to see a toilet right now.

The third bedroom seemed fine, and so he went and sat on the bed. It was dark and quiet in here. He could easily see himself falling asleep and completely forgetting about tonight until morning.

When he lay down on the bed he heard something. The sound of, well he wasn't quite sure what. But he wasn't making it. A soft moan? Shit. He sat up, a little too fast, almost throwing up on the floor. After tending to his dizziness again he turned very slowly. In the dark he could make out the sight of Henry again, lying on the bed.

He pointed at him. Oh. Oh no. This wasn't happening again. He wasn't going to make out with Henry again. Then there was that soft moaning again.

It took him a while to realize Henry wasn't in here alone. He was making out with someone else. That little bee.

He blinked, trying to magically see in the dark, and blinked again. After some time of standing there staring, completely ignored, he noticed the Vans sneakers and the Danny Phantom costume of the one Henry was feeling up.

"What the _fuck_ , Noah," he blurted out.

The both of them jerked and shot straight up, disheveled and panicked.

Ronan was 

"Gansey's dating a girl in secret!" He pushed Henry off him, who nearly fell off the bed. Noah must have caught on that Ronan was flat out drunk at that point, and he rose from the bed toward him, reaching out.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" he asked.

Ronan was still taking in the fact he saw Noah making out with Henry when he didn't even know he liked him, and the fact that Gansey had a secret girlfriend and he had no idea about that either. He recoiled from Noah, back towards the door.

"Fuck all of you guys!" He angrily jabbed at the air a few times and then haphazardly turned around to stumble away. This wasn't the opportune time to deal with this.

Noah and Henry. Gansey and a new girlfriend. Adam and Tad. Matthew and Julia. Ronan and.... he needed more alcohol.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam was still looking for Ronan, although he was starting to wonder why at this point. It didn't appear that he wanted to be found, and Adam was tired and cranky and a little confused with what Blue saw in Gansey. Maybe he was even a little bit jealous. He liked when it was just the two of them, although he knew logically it wasn't going to be like that forever. It wasn't like they were going to get together and solve that problem, even though they at one time did kiss just to see what it was like. It was not great.

As he moved through the house for the third or fourth time, Noah came rushing past him from upstairs, looking like he had just seen a ghost. Henry rushed after him not much later, looking apologetic with his costume a little distorted.

They were probably going after Ronan, by his guess, and he followed after them. He only made it into one room after when he saw Matthew standing in a corner with his face in his hands, alone without Julia.

That took precedent, and he put his search for Ronan on the back burner as he moved closer to investigate. He came to stand by him, noticing he was crying quietly.

"Matthew?"

At the sound of his name he looked up, not expecting to see Adam standing there. He wiped at the tears from his face as he sniffles.

"Oh, hi."

"Hey." Adam sighed. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Matthew said. Judging by his crying he was not fine.

"Okay. Wrong question." He chewed his lip. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Matthew looked around them for something, Adam not sure what. "Where's- where's Ronan?"

He was deflecting, but Adam did owe him an answer he felt. "He saw me talking to someone else for five seconds and ran away," he said, irritated.

"You have to go find him!" Matthew touched at his shoulder like he could tell him so easily to leave. It was obvious he wanted to be left alone, but Adam knew sometimes being alone like this wasn't what someone needed.

"In a minute," he said. "I'm talking to you right now."

Matthew looked at him with his sad eyes and broke immediately.

"I'm never dating again," he declared, sulking.

"What?" This party officially sucked. "Don't you like Julia?"

"I like her a lot." At that, Matthew took a few sharp breaths, pushing back more tears. "But she said she's not staying in Henrietta after May."

Adam almost rolled his eyes but thought better of it.

"That's months away, Matthew," he said.

"Yeah. But I don't know if I could do long distance."

"You didn't even finish your first date yet." Adam nudged shoulders. "I wouldn't worry too much about the future, not until maybe the fifth date." He was joking a little bit, but Matthew didn't even notice.

"But what if it goes really great but then she leaves?" He looked broken, same expression that Ronan wore earlier when he saw him from across the room. His chest hurt. The soda was probably getting to him.

"You come from a wealthy family, Matthew," he noted. "You can afford to visit her wherever she goes, and you can afford some separation if you really like her. It's not like the minute you move from Henrietta you can never go back. I mean, when you graduate are you staying?" He tried not to sound upset at Matthew, and he suspected he was successful.

"Probably not," Matthew replied.

"Then don't expect her to," he said. He reached and put a hand on his shoulder, as if the spirit of Han Solo had taken over him and made him good with pep talks to rich boys. But Matthew was different. He was sweet. "Fight for her if you like her. Show her that moving away won't change how you feel."

Matthew looked to be taking his words to heart, but then something shifted on his face and he was sad again.

"It's not just about Julia," he admitted. "It's actually about Ronan-"

"Fight!!!!"

The both of them looked to see two kids down the hall shoving each other against the walls and paintings.

Adam peeled from the wall to investigate, hoping to god or whoever that one of them wasn't Ronan.

As he walked towards the fight, which was pulling further from him down the hall, he spotted a Hogwarts costume to his right. It was Ronan taking a shot.

He was swift this time to sneak through the people, and he grabbed Ronan's sleeve before he could walk off. When Ronan realized it was him he stilled.

"Ronan," he said, almost happy to see him. "Where have you been? I've been looking all over this party for you."

"Are you into Tad?"

Ronan was slurring and smelled like beer just like Tad did. Adam was less pleased when he saw the hurt in his eyes that matched his little brother's.

"No," he said. "God no."

"Don't lie to me," Ronan muttered.

"I'm not lying." Adam was insulted he would even think for a second he liked Tad.

"Well, you're the first here not to," and Ronan took another shot. Adam was regretting finding him.

"Excuse me?" Adam was highly confused and unimpressed with his behavior. They were doing okay there for a minute, but he supposed this was Ronan's way.

"Go be pretty somewhere else, Purrish," he slurred. "Parishe. Parch. _Ugh_. You're creating a decline in attractiveness in here for the rest of us. With those stupid freckles and that mouth."

Adam blushed and touched at his face. "You genuinely think I'm pretty?"

Ronan scoffed like he said something stupid.

"Who wouldn't!" He rolled his eyes. "God, you can be obese sometimes. No wait. That's not the word."

This wasn't fun for either of them, and Adam had it in his right mind it was time to take him home. He tries to grab his hand again.

"Come on," he said. "Put the drink down. Let's go outside. You're talking nonsense."

"Eh, fuck you!" Ronan jerked from him. "Fuck you fuck you. You like when I curse? Fuck you. Leave me alone."

As Adam kept reaching for him, he kept squirming out of his hands. Ronan was being impossible, but Adam felt some responsibility for it, if only because he was the reason Ronan was here in the first place.

"Don't talk to me," he said, pulling from Adam again.

"How will you get home?" Adam reasoned.

"I'm a wizard right?" He checked he was still wearing his robe, then flapped his arms. "I'll fly home."

"Ronan." Adam looked at him with concern. Before he could reach for him again, Ronan shoved someone into him so he couldn't follow. He stumbled out of sight and Adam groaned.

"The fuck!" He was getting a headache from this.

"Hey."

Behind him was Noah, looking about as upset as he felt. 

"Noah, hi-"

"Why aren't you watching Ronan?" he started. "He's a drunken mess."

Why was it gang up on Adam night? He had enough.

"He's not my problem," he said bitterly. "Jesus, he's your friend. _You_ watch him if you think he needs to be."

Noah wasn't deterred by his attitude. "I was on a date of my own that got ruined thanks to him."

"If he's the one that ruined it, it probably wasn't going very well to begin with," Adam said snidely. This was tiring.

He never saw Noah upset before. It was like watching a kitten try to growl like a lion.

"God, you two are made for each other," Noah said, cursing under his breath as he touched at his moussed hair. Adam wasn't sure if he should be insulted or complimented. He took it to be an insult and he got more irritable as a result, shutting off his filter.

"Hey, I'm not the one that paid someone to take my friend out," he snapped. 

"I wasn't either." Noah scowled back at him. "I thought that was a dumb idea, and I was right. He's an asshole, but he's a good person too."

"It's hard to see that underneath all the asshole," Adam muttered.

"He likes you."

That was startling. Adam almost cackled at Noah. "I very much doubt that," he said.

"If he said yes then he likes you."

Adam wanted to argue more about how insane that was, but Noah wasn't in the mood and walked away. Trailing behind him was Henry, waving awkwardly at him as he passed. Adam instinctively waved back, still soaking in what Noah said.

He didn't believe him. Ronan only said yes because he was caught off guard. This was a terrible date. But he still went to go find him anyway.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ronan found himself dancing, not remembering how it was he got here to be dancing, but he was dancing. There were other people dancing too. A lot of dancing.

He was doing his best to not think about how hurt he felt that everyone around him was keeping secrets from him. He didn't like it. He hated secrets. He hated that they all involved them dating. Did they think because Ronan was single he would feel lonely? Well now he did.

God. He was bitter most of all with Adam though. For asking him out. Why did he have to do that?

"Ronan?"

He whipped around and saw Gansey there, wearing weird clothes, with a small girl wearing a recycle sign on her shirt.

"What are you supposed to be?" He snorted. "A tree hugger?"

"I'm a blue recycling bin, asshole." She looked like she was ready to charge into him. He wanted to poke her tiny little nose and go _boop_. This was too much alcohol.

"Blue," Gansey said, encouraging her with his eyes to chill.

Ronan laughed. "I get it! Because you're Blue!"

"Come on, Ronan." Gansey reached for him. "I'll take you home."

"No!" Ronan recoiled. "I'm on a date."

"Doesn't look to be going too well," Gansey remarked. He gestured to nothing, and Ronan became heated. 

"It's going great." He put an arm around a random guy dancing beside him. "I think we might be in love."

"Who are you?" said the guy.

"Shh." Ronan put a finger over his mouth. "We haven't exchanged names yet. It's a blind date."

Blue looked to be amused, but Gansey wasn't.

"Ronan, please," he said, in his whiney begging voice.

"No." Ronan scowled when he remembered why he was mad at him. It was the girl next to him. That he kept her secret. "You go be with this girl here who you're secretly seeing," he said. "I'm gonna be over here with my guy."

He then realized the guy slipped out of his arm at some point. Oh. He frowned. Always alone.

"We can talk more in the car." Gansey stole the opportunity to grab his arm. "Let's go."

"No!" Ronan whipped his robe around him and then tripped trying to get away. He moved to stand on a table, but could only get one leg up. He sort of slid his body onto the table and then rolled over to sit up on it, like a snake. This was not attractive, but he wasn't trying to win anyone over. Not anymore.

"Ronan." Gansey always said his name like he was in trouble.

"Attention everyone!" he shouted, over the music and chatter. "Attention!" He wasn't sure how, but somehow he managed to stand. "I hate Gansey Richard. No wait. Richard Gansey. He is a liar and a secret keeper and he's never minding his own business."

Gansey looked around embarrassed.

"I hate Tad Carruthers, for stealing my date!" he went on. Everyone in his line of sight was staring at him. Either the alcohol numbed his hearing or someone turned the music down, so people could hear his words.

"I hate Adam Parrish, for asking me out!" he said, belching. "Smartest boy in school asks out class outcast. Boy as pretty as him. With his freckles and his eyes and his accent and he rents a car for me and likes my music and- I just hate that. I hate him. He sucks. Stupid cute boy being cute and shit."

Gansey's face was in his hands. Blue was talking to him, eyeing Ronan. She was no longer amused, although everyone else seemed to be. They started applauding as if he did something special, and he gave them all the middle finger in his state of mind.

"Come on." Blue reached for him instead of Gansey. She didn't grab him, merely offered her hand. She wasn't as awful as he hoped she would be. He didn't want to like Gansey's girlfriend. "Come down," she said. "Before you say anything more stupid."

As he begrudgingly let them help him down, since he couldn't remember how he got up there, he spotted Han Solo in the corner looking horrified. No, it wasn't Han Solo. It was Adam.

"Shit. Adam."

He reached for him and slipped off the table, hitting his head on the ground.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam sat outside with Blue, in Blue's car, in the driver's seat, hands at 10 and 2. It had been ten minutes since they got in here, Blue having chased after him as he ran off in a panic. They hadn't exchanged a word since she caught up to him. All they did was sit.

"So are we just going to sit here, or are you going to drive me home?" she said.

He didn't look up. "Why did he say all those things?"

"Because he's a drunken idiot," she replied.

"I didn't think he had feelings."

"Wait, seriously?"

He realized how that sounded and he closed his eyes, feeling guilty again.

"I mean, ones I could hurt," he said. "I thought if the date went bad he would just shrug it off and continue being an ass to me at school."

"Oh. Adam...." She reached around and pulled him into a hug. He pressed his face into her shoulder.

"That was so embarrassing," he said.

"I think it was more for him than for you," she noted.

"Why did he say all those things?" he asked again.

"Again, because he's a drunken idiot," she replied.

"God, he's so annoying." Adam was mortified. "Can't talk to me for more than five seconds without making a sarcastic comment or insult me, but he can shout to the whole school he thinks I'm cute."

They pulled apart, but Blue still held a hand to his face.

"Yeah, well that's why they call alcohol liquid courage." She ran her thumb across his cheek. "Do you want to go?"

Adam groaned, realizing what this meant. "And now he's ruined your date too."

"Nah." She looked back at the house down the street. "It was ruined when I found out Gansey was the one that paid you. I'm mad at him right now."

"I'm sorry," Adam said, frowning. This was a terrible night for everyone involved.

"Not your fault. I should've realized when you mentioned boat shoes."

Adam snorted, but he still felt like crap. He was going to get mocked at school for this no doubt, and usually he wouldn't care what those assholes at school thought, but they were going to be mocking Ronan too. Ronan who he couldn't even think of facing after this. He was mad at him, mad at himself. Just mad.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

At some point someone sat Ronan down in the kitchen on the floor with an ice pack to his head. It was probably Gansey. He vaguely remembered seeing Gansey somewhere. Beside him was Henry Broadway, also drunk with an ice pack to his head.

They had gotten to talking about how they each got there. Ronan told him the parts he remembered, after Henry explained he got there because of trying to skateboard off the roof of the pool house.

"And I saw him talking to Tad," said Ronan.

"Making out with Tad?" Henry shuddered. "Ew. Yeah I would walk away too," he said.

"No. Just talking."

"Wait so you got upset because they were talking?"

Ronan was in too much pain to get mad at Henry. "It was the way they were talking," he argued. "I could tell there was something there."

"You sure you aren't projecting?" said Henry.

"No," Ronan snapped.

"I think you're projecting."

"I'm not a projector."

"No, I mean-- ugh. Ronald-"

"Ronan."

"Whatever. You are insecure," he said.

"How dare you!" Ronan immediately regretted shouting, sharp pains prickling at his head. "I'm not insecure. I just don't know why he even asked me out. He's way out of my league. He's pretty and smart and I'm just-"

"That's insecurity," said Henry.

"Is it? Shit." He closed his eyes. The kitchen was too bright. It hurt. "Well I've ruined it forever anyway."

"Have you?" Broadway pointed to the doorway. "Go talk to him," he said.

"No." Ronan pressed the ice pack further into his head, trying to numb the pain. It just made him colder. "Last time I saw him I told him to fuck off and leave me alone and never talk to me again. No, there was a time after that. It's fuzzy though."

"Just apologize," said Broadway.

"What! I'm not going to do that!" Again, his voice went too high and bounced back into his skull like a pinball machine.

"Then suffer in the pool of loneliness alone," said Broadway. "Forever. Alone."

"Yeah, I got it."

Ronan furrowed his brow as he switched hands to hold his ice pack. It would have been ideal if he could stand right now, but instead he just sunk further down the cabinet he was propped against, his robe catching on his shoe.

"Why did you let it bother you?" asked Broadway.

Ronan was still drunk, so he found himself admitting the truth.

"Because I'm jealous," he said. "Tad can talk to him so easily, and maybe he likes that."

"I don't think anyone likes Tad." Broadway touched shoulders. "Don't let him get under your skin."

Ronan knew he needed to work on that. He had a lot he needed to work on. They sat there quietly for a moment. He appreciated Henry, even though tomorrow he knew he would either not remember this or resent him for his kindness. Then Broadway leaned in again to whisper, "You got any weed?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

That night, after Adam got a ride home and gave Blue her car back, he was laying in bed trying to sleep, but unable to. He was so humiliated he wasn't sure how he was going to face school on Monday.

As he buried his face in his pillows, he felt a vibration from his phone. Blue wouldn't be texting him this late, especially after just seeing her, and Boyd never texted. Curiosity got the better of him and he took his phone out to look it over. It was from Ronan.

_Sirty_.

It was easy to presume he meant sorry but was still drunk. Regardless of the intent, the message still fell flat. Adam ignored it. He was unsure what he would even say to him. He was more than just embarrassed by what Ronan said, but by his own actions. By taking that money and asking him out he opened up Pandora's box, and he wasn't sure how to deal with it.

Ronan Lynch liked him. He might have liked him, too. Nothing was ever going to come of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot just went down. omg! and yeah i'm writing this really quickly idk why! haha.
> 
> thank you to saachi and rachel and Tumblr users admlynch and itmakesyoulooklikealoser for helping with some of the costumes!!!
> 
> as always i love and appreciate your feedback and comments. :) i'm so slow at getting back to them these days i'm so sorry but i read all of them and i do my best to respond eventually i swear.
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [here](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)


	4. I'm a Believer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How do I talk to him?" He went right into it. He breathed as there was a pause.
> 
> "Who is this?" Blue sighed into the phone. "Is this a prank call? I have caller ID, jackass." Ronan went silent. He didn't know what else to say.
> 
> "I'm hanging up," she hissed.
> 
> "It's Ronan," he blurted out.

Sunday morning Ronan woke up with one of the worst hangovers of his life. The sun streaming in from the window to his right hurt his eyes when he opened them, and when he tried to sit up a swelling heap of nausea washed over him and he lay back down. His head was throbbing like a party was going on inside. A party. Last night. Jagged memories of drinking and Gansey and people making out. Dancing and tables and Adam's chest. Fuck. Adam. Tad and Adam. At once it all came swirling back at him, and he was hit with another wave of nausea for a very different reason.

He couldn't believe that wasn't just a nightmare. That he really did all those things. That he really reacted that way. Oh god. And Adam saw all of it. Adam knows he.... Jesus, he fucked up.

He scrambled to find his phone, and in his search realized he was on the sofa in Gansey's apartment, not his room at the Barns. He was still in last night's clothes, which still stunk of alcohol when he smelled them. He gagged.

"Oh good," said Gansey, appearing from his room in the corner. "You're awake."

Ronan winced at the sound of his voice. He groaned, pressing his hands to his temples.

"Do you remember any of last night?" Gansey asked. His voice was ringing in his head. He cupped his hands around his eyes.

"Unfortunately," he said. The nausea shot up into his throat again as he talked. He shuddered as he sat back against the sofa.

Gansey walked around him, doing who knows what who knows where. He didn't dare look or move his head, and eventually he felt Gansey near him. His knee gently nudged Ronan's, as he offered him something cool against his hand. He peeled open one eye to see water, and he grabbed at it to drink. After a few large gulps that finished the glass he realized just how dry his throat was.

Then he spotted something else still in Gansey's hand. His phone. He snatched it back and had enough energy leftover to scowl at him.

Gansey sat next to him, unperturbed. "You were trying to call people last night and I thought it wise you didn't," he said. "So I took your phone." He said it like he deserved a thank you, which he should already know he wasn't going to receive.

Ronan checked through his phone for what he may have done, and found a text he sent to Adam that said Sirty. There wasn't a reply.

Before his brain caught up with his fingers he texted "Sorry" as a correction, although he suspected he wasn't going to get a reply to this either. He pressed his phone to his forehead with both hands, closing his eyes to the light. Everything was spinning.

"You really like him, don't you?" Gansey asked.

Ronan grunted. He wasn't going to offer him any response. Speaking made his head pulse more.

If he weren't so hungover and in Gansey's presence he was pretty sure he would be crying a little right now. He wasn't sure how he was going to face school tomorrow. Or Adam ever. The boy of his fantasies and he fucked it up as he expected he would, which was precisely why he was fine keeping his distance until Adam had to fuck it up by talking to him. It wasn't necessarily better before, but he was better off not knowing what it would be like to have it and then be given a chance to ruin it.

"You're too good for him anyway," Gansey mused.

Ronan looked up through his fingers, staring daggers at him. "Don't."

"It'll all blow over soon, and maybe this'll have turned out this way for the best." Gansey just wasn't very good at this.

"I know you mean well," and Ronan breathed through the pain of the words reverberating in his skull, "but please for the love of god, stop fucking talking."

Gansey paused, taking in his plea. He reached and put a hand tentatively on Ronan's shoulder. When he didn't jerk it off, Gansey gently ran it back and forth for comfort. Ronan almost broke at the gesture.

"Is there... anything I can do?"

Ronan wiped at his eyes. They were weary and stung of tears. "Let's talk about something else," he said. "Anything else. Your girlfriend. Where did you meet her?"

"Oh, funny story actually. So one day after school I....."

And Gansey went into the long process of describing how he met Blue. Ronan let the subject numb his mind and distract him from the idea that school tomorrow was going to be unbearable. He wasn't sure what he was going to do.

Skipping was a possibility. Skipping the rest of senior year and starting his life on the farm early was a thriving option.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam had his head in Blue's lap as they both sat on her bed after he came over to help with her mom's car stalling. He knew it was really just an excuse to see how he was after last night, but he came over anyway. She was playing with his hair, running her fingers through it and her nails lightly grazing his scalp. It calmed him down, even when the subject was Gansey.

"Do you think he knew Ronan liked me when he paid me to go out with him?" he asked.

Above him, he could hear a tiny groan.

"I doubt that," she said. Her hand stopped in his hair. "Why does it matter anyway? You trying to break us up or something?"

"No." He frowned, staring directly ahead at the wall of Blue's art collage. There were pictures of Gansey and her in it now, not just the pair of them and her family. "It's not that, I'm just trying to understand this."

"What's there to understand, Adam?" Blue resumed touching at his hair, feeling through it like her hand were a comb. "We've been over this already. He likes you. Now you know. Do you like him back?"

Adam sat up. He didn't like that she so flatly pointed out Ronan liked him. The reminder was all too much. It made his head begin to spin again. It didn't logically make sense.

"I don't know," he said. "He gets on my nerves so much, the way he talks back at everything and his constant sarcasm and how he has a really nice smile but he barely uses it."

Blue said nothing. When he looked over at her he could see her raised brow and her straight mouth. Then one brow crooked higher than the other and she fiddled more with his hair.

"Sounds like you like him," she said.

He waved her hand away.

"I don't," he said defensively. He moved away from her on the bed. "Can we stop talking about this please?"

Blue soured. "I was actually talking about my aunt coming into town this week, and you immediately powered through that to talk about Gansey and how he should've known better than to do this to Ronan," she said. She started smirking again, like she knew something he didn't. "You're so gone, dude."

"He's exhausting."

"You like him."

"He has the worst jokes," Adam argued.

"You like him," Blue said again.

Adam couldn't think of another one. "He's better at me in Latin," he said.

" _You like him_." Blue rolled her eyes.

"He-" There was a vibration in his pocket. He took out his phone and mulled it over. "He texted me." He was surprised.

"What's it say?"

Adam opened it, heart sinking at the simple message. He wasn't sure what he expected.

"Sorry."

Blue leaned in.

"Are you going to reply?" she asked.

"No," Adam said bitterly.

She rolled her eyes at him and leaned away.

"You're so stubborn," she noted.

As he put his phone away, he frowned at her. "I don't like him, Blue. Answering will only give the illusion that I do."

"Because there's no illusion," Blue snapped. "You're hung up on the guy because you have a crush, not because you actually find him annoying. It's okay that you like him. Text him back."

Enough was enough, and Adam was tired of the conversation not going his way. He stood up from her bed and reached for his jacket behind her. "I have homework to do," he said.

Blue realized he was leaving and she tried to reach for him, but he snaked out of her reach.

"Adam, don't get mad at me for speaking the truth," she said.

"I'll talk to you later." He couldn't have exited fast enough. He did _not_ like Ronan. That wouldn't be fair to either of them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The first day back to school after the party was exhausting. People were still talking about it, about Ronan's confession. Several people made teasing remarks about his freckles, as if they were Ronan and drunk. He glared at each and every one of them in the eye until they shut up.

Tad glowered at him, but said nothing. One good thing appeared to come from the party, which was his silence. His teasing made more sense now, his problematic way of flirting. It unsettled him that that is what it was.

The first two days back went quickly, Adam wasn't approached by anyone part of Ronan's crew, except Matthew who occasionally waved and said hi in the halls. Adam responded in turn, hopeful he set things right with Julia.

Gansey and Noah would eye him in the halls but say nothing, and Ronan was mentally absent as always in class. Adam hoped that because of this he could just forget what happened and move on. The semester was halfway over and he only had one more after that, then he was free. No more Henrietta. No more Aglionby boys. No more of any of this. He just had to be patient. But watching Ronan, he wished he knew how to fix things before that time came. School had become unbearable. He considered speaking to him first, but that was never going to happen.

On Wednesday, things were starting to go back to normal, at least in some aspects. The other students ignored him for the most part as usual, moving on from the party onto other things. Halloween was today, although Adam forgot. Blue and he made the same plans as last year, to watch horror films and eat candy at her house. She was still a little upset with Gansey, but she did invite him after asking if it would be okay with Adam. Adam noted his discomfort but said he didn't want to get in the middle of her relationship. She didn't say if he answered her yet.

In English class that day Tad was sitting in the back giving him the stink eye when he walked in. He rolled his eyes at him as he moved to sit far enough away he wouldn't feel that stare.

Ronan was already sitting in his old usual back corner seat, always looking like he was ready to escape at a moment's notice. Adam couldn't fathom what it must be like for him, which when he tried to think about it, only made him feel that much worse about everything. If he hadn't selfishly taken the money from Gansey, Ronan and he would be fine.

In class that day, Mr. Bouford finished up their lectures on Fahrenheit 451, and made note of moving onto poetry for the duration of the semester. Adam enjoyed poetry for what it was, but with his scientific mind he didn't know if he could write it himself.

A hand raised and Mr. Bouford looked comically bewildered by it as he called on them. It was Ronan.

Adam's head never whipped around so fast he almost broke his neck.

"Which eras are we focusing on?" asked Ronan.

This was suspicious. What was he going on about? Ronan never spoke in class.

Mr. Bouford seemed to take note of this strange behavior too, and he narrowed his eyes as he answered.

"The 20th century," he said.

Ronan chewed his lower lip as he raised his hand again, waiting to be called on.

"Yes, Mr. Lynch," Mr. Bouford said with a sigh.

"No Blake or Keats, Byron or Shelley?"

Adam was surprised he even knew who those people were.

"No," said Mr. Bouford. "Why?"

Ronan shrugged, sitting upright in his seat. He was actively engaged in class. This felt so surreal.

"The romantics period focused more on creativity than product and I just think following the lack of pretentiousness in that Fahrenheit 451 book you would want to shake it up a little in class instead of reverting back to the same stuck up thing."

All those words coming out of Ronan's mouth made him a little dizzy. His jaw dropped a bit. Everyone in class, including him, turned in their seats to stare at Ronan. There was aggression in his eyes as he surveyed the classroom, ignoring looking Adam's way.

"What? I read." He curled into his seat as if ready to pounce on any one of them.

"Not going to talk about Adam's face?" someone called out, and the whole class broke into snickers.

In response, Ronan stood up, almost volatile with the way he shoved himself out of the desk, like a rocket from its launchpad. The room went eerily silent as he looked around again.

Adam ducked his head when he looked his way.

"Mr. Lynch-"

"I know," Ronan sighed. He grabbed his book bag and swung it over one shoulder. "I know. The guidance counselor's office."

For once today he actually looked rather presentable. His tie wasn't loose or crooked, his shirt was tucked into his pants, and he wore the appropriate school designated shoes. Adam bit down on his lip as he looked away, in time with Ronan's departure.

This was more painful than he thought it would be.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The rest of the week was quiet on the Ronan front. Other than the text on Sunday, there was nothing beyond that. Adam ached. While he was still embarrassed and confused, it wasn't so much about what people said, because he knew they were all assholes. He had become embarrassed that he did this to Ronan. Ronan actually liked him and he didn't know how to respond to that.

_Sorry_. _I only took you out on a date because your best friend paid me to. I don't actually have feelings for you, or well I didn't until after the date was ruined. You know how these things go._

He buried his head in his book at the library as he was reading some of the poems from class. They had an assignment for the end of the term to write a poem, and he was trying his very best to figure out how these poems didn't sound like just random words sewn together. He was better at Latin.

Through the course of studying he must have fallen asleep because he woke up to the feeling of someone shake his shoulder. He jerked. It was Gansey.

"Hey...." Gansey was clearly cautious around him, as he should be.

"Hi." Adam sat up and rubbed his hands at his face.

"How are you?" Gansey sat down across from him at the table, lowering his voice to an appropriate library whisper. Adam didn't see the point. There was no one else here in this section, precisely why he picked it. He must have searched for ages through the place for him.

"I'm fine." Adam suspected this wasn't a conversation solely to catch up. He watched as Gansey struggled to piece his words together, internally thinking of what to say. His face shifted around a little, longer than Adam liked. He should really be studying.

"You still in there?"

Gansey shifted around uncomfortable. He took off his glasses to rub his eyes. "I want to apologize," he said. Adam was liking where this was going. "For Ronan's behavior Saturday night."

Okay, never mind.

"Don't do that," said Adam. "Ronan's his own person and can make his own mistakes."

"But I'm the one that paid you," he said. He leaned in as if people were eavesdropping. Adam never knew someone so self involved.

"Did you know he liked me?"

Gansey shook his head. "Not in the slightest," he replied. "Just my luck, I guess."

"Mm." Adam nodded as if he cared, and he tried to return to his book to study, but Gansey wasn't leaving.

"I want to fix this," he said.

Adam shut his book. He wasn't getting anymore studying in, he could tell. "What is there to fix exactly?" He folded his arms on the table. "I did the date. Matthew's happy with Julia. The deal is done."

"But there's more-" He must have seen Adam visibly close off at the idea of being paid to go on more dates with Ronan now. After all this. After becoming aware of his feelings. That was too cruel.

"Forget about all that," he said, coming to the realization himself. "Ronan's upset now. I'm not asking you to fall in love with him. Im not asking you to date him. Just talk to him."

"No." Adam shook his head. "No way. Stop paying me. I'm done," he hissed.

He stood up, the chair scraping back against the hardwood floor as he did. Without pause he began to pack up, unwilling to hear any more of this.

"He's never going to talk to you first," he said. "Please."

"You can't pay me to forgive him for ditching me on our date." He realized he raised his voice when people appeared from the stacks to stare.

"Adam." Gansey was still talking low, and still sitting at the table, making little effort to actually stop him. "He's genuinely hurt by this."

"Sounds like a personal problem," Adam said, as he stuffed his books in his bag. "I didn't make him get irrationally jealous and then get drunk and shout out to the world he likes me."

"I know he's hard to like but-"

"That's- that's not it at all." Adam was not going to say it, especially to Gansey, that that was not true. "Go away, Gansey. Take your money and shove it up your ass."

"Well I..."

Adam walked away feeling worse than before. The only upside to all this was he didn't have very many classes with Gansey, making him easier to avoid. He hoped he would leave him alone, and maybe after this he would.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In weights the next day Adam was lifting, listening to saved music off his phone. He had become genuinely interested in the band from the concert, and he had been listening to their songs all week. They currently fit his mood, as he isolated himself again from everyone at school.

As one of the songs was going on about broken hearts Adam's vision was obstructed by a spritely blonde haired teen staring down at him. He rolled his eyes and did his best to ignore him.

Noah gestured to his ears, signaling he wished to talk. Adam could sense he was as stubborn as Gansey, and he hung his weights and sat up. Against his own desire, he paused his music, taking in deep breaths to even his breathing.

"I'm here to apologize," said Noah. Adam waited for the last part of that sentence, but realized as Noah stood above him all awkward that he was apologizing for him and not Ronan. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I know you had no idea about Ronan, and it wasn't your fault he got drunk. I just.... let my frustrations out on you."

"Oh. Yeah, I- I'm sorry too." But there was still a bad taste in his mouth from yesterday's conversation with Gansey, and he let it soil this one. "Did you know Henry tried to pay me so he could ask you out?"

Noah laughed, one solo laugh, like he half expected Adam to bring it up. "Yeah, I already knew about that," he said. "He told me and I yelled at him. It was stupid of him, and I hate that he did that. Both him and Gansey. They can be...."

"Ignorant," Adam filled in.

"Yeah." Noah shied a little, perhaps beginning to register that Adam was sweating in his gym shirt and wanted to get back to sweating some more. While Noah could sometimes be ignorant too, which seemed to come with the price of being one of the wealthy Aglionby boys, he didn't dislike him. Noah was reaching out, which was more than he could say for some people.

"So you're going out now?" he asked.

"Yeah. It's been nice." Noah got this gleeful look on his face as he looked down, a similar expression Blue had sometimes when she talked about Gansey before he knew it was Gansey. "We went to the city aquarium after school Tuesday. He bought me a stuffed squid."

"That's nice," he said. Adam sounded bitter, because he may have still been a little bitter. But it was about something else now. Noah noted his tone and the sparkle in his smile dimmed a little.

He returned to his lifts again, lying back and grabbing his weights. Noah remained, although there appeared no need for it now.

"Is that it?" he said, tentatively hoping it was.

"What can Ronan do to make this right?"

Adam nearly dropped the weights on himself. He was quick to catch the slip and roughly put the weights back up again. He sat upright, panting, his arms aching from the pressure. To avoid the question he reached at his side for a towel and wiped the sweat from his neck and his face.

"What?" he said, muffled by the cotton.

"He's a mess, more than usual," said Noah. "I can tell he wants to talk to you, but he doesn't know how to approach you. You've got to give him a little something."

"There's nothing he can do," said Adam plainly.

That was not the answer Noah was looking for, and he could tell. His shoulders went back and he stood a little straighter, his face doing that kitten trying to be a lion thing again.

"So you're telling me you don't even like him a little?" Noah's voice was acidic. "It was all the money? And now because you find out he's a person with feelings same as everyone else you don't want to talk to him anymore?"

Adam didn't like his tone. "Yeah, that about covers it," he said.

"I expected more from you, Adam."

When Noah walked away Adam muttered to himself, "Me too."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was officially a week since Ronan shouted on top of a table that he found Adam cute, and he spent that week trying to build up the courage to apologize. It had become more impossible than before to approach him. The first day back in school he tried to impress him in class, but that seemed to backfire on him. He tried to talk to him at lunch but Adam sometimes skipped lunch and would hang out in the library, which was huge and hid him well when he wanted.

Last night he even dropped by where he knew Adam worked he became that desperate. He found him alone and working on the engine of a Camry, his work coveralls tied down at the waist, his white shirt stained in oils and grease. He wiped the back of his hand on his cheek and unknowingly gave himself a black streak on his face. He set Ronan's heart on edge, knowing he probably smelled like gasoline and sweat and he would never know what to say to him, so he chickened out and left before he saw him.

He saw Gansey talking to him the one time he found him in the library, and it took him a few days to have the opportunity to ask him why. He was over at Gansey's apartment, with Noah and Henry on the way. This was the first time in days they were alone, him always so busy with his new girlfriend, who he thankfully did not invite over. He didn't need two couples surrounding him with their stupid couple shit. One was enough.

Gansey was in his kitchen, which had been moved outside of the bathroom a few months ago, which is precisely when he should have known he had a girlfriend. He was looking in the fridge for something, and Ronan was sitting on the sofa trying to think of a lead in to the question, but gave up when he knew he was running out of time.

"What are you talking to Parrish for?" he said.

Gansey went wide eyed like he had been caught masturbating or something. He shut the fridge and stood straight, awkward as always.

"His best friend is Blue," he said.

"Who?"

Gansey frowned. "My girlfriend."

"Oh, right." Ronan forgot. "Recycling girl," he reminded himself.

"Yes, that is the name I call her fondly," Gansey quipped.

Ronan sunk into the sofa as he mocked Gansey under his breath. In the same beat, Gansey walked out of the room as if the conversation was over, and he followed him with his eyes as he went behind the sofa toward his bedroom.

"What about her were you two talking about?" he said. He watched as Gansey paused, then turned around, shifty in his movements.

"Huh? Oh, uh...." He looked perfectly shaken. "You see-"

Ronan might not always pay attention, but he wasn't dumb. "That's not what you were talking about," he declared. Again, he looked like he was caught masturbating. "You're a bad liar, Gansey."

His cover having been blown, he sighed, unclenching. "Okay, I talked to him about you," he said. "I asked him to talk to you."

Ronan fell off the sofa climbing over the back in a panic, as if he could reach him before the end of that sentence, and that would somehow change the fact he talked to him. About _him_.

"You can't just do that!" he exclaimed. His reaction startled Gansey, who stood there as still as a statue. "You can't just go over and talk to him about _that_."

"Well I did," he said, so calmly it set Ronan's teeth on edge.

"Why?" His voice had gone far too high for his liking but he couldn't stop it.

"You're sad. I wanted to try to make things right between you."

"I'm not sad." Ronan puffed his chest out and averted his gaze to the window. "I don't care about him. He's lame."

Gansey looked downright unpleasant with his smirk. He motioned to the sofa, which had pillows now sprawled on the floor on both sides of it because of him.

"Okay, you saw the video from Henry of your little speech at the party," he said. "We both know I know you don't think that."

Ronan sighed. He looked away annoyed. Jaw clenching and then unclenching. Gansey stood there taking it all in, hands coming to his hips like the mother hen he was. After a while, Ronan started to play with the zipper on his jacket.

"What did... he say?" he said quietly.

Gansey inclined forward.

"What was that?"

"Never mind." Ronan groaned and walked off toward Gansey's bedroom, disappearing in it for a second. God, he had a lot of polo shirts on the floor. It took him two seconds to go right back into the hall to Gansey, who must have been standing there the whole time trying not to say anything.

"What the fuck did he say?"

Gansey looked sullen. "Nothing good," he said, doing his head tilt thing when he felt bad for someone. Ronan turned his head so he didn't have to see it. "I'm sorry, Ronan."

"Whatever." Ronan scowled at the floor. "Don't talk to him on my behalf again."

"Of course." They stood there quiet a moment longer, as Ronan let it sink in that this was it. He had his chance and he blew it. This wasn't fair. He saw Gansey motion toward the television set in the main room, which Ronan looked at as a result.

"Want to kick my butt at Mario Kart until the others show up?" he said.

"Yeah." Ronan let out a sigh. "Okay."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

That night he called up Blue on the phone, having gotten the number from Gansey with no explanation on why he needed it. This took a lot of humility on his part to even dial her number, knowing he would have to explain himself to her, because the last time he talked to her he was very drunk and not very nice. But he was willing to do just about anything to talk to Adam again. Except talk to him straight up, it seemed.

The phone was ringing.

"Hello?" she answered.

"How do I talk to him?" He went right into it. He breathed as there was a pause.

"Who is this?" Blue sighed into the phone. "Is this a prank call? I have caller ID, jackass." Ronan went silent. He didn't know what else to say.

"I'm hanging up," she hissed.

"It's Ronan," he blurted out.

There was another pause, but underneath he could hear the hint of a laugh.

"Well, well, well....." She sounded amused. He almost hung up on her. "Ronan. Ronan Ronan Ronan. Calling me."

"Don't get all cocky because I called you," he groaned.

"Why _are_ you calling me?" she said. "This feels more like a prank call than when you said nothing."

Ronan wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to make some sort of joke or talk back, but he knew if he did he would ruin the one tie he had to Adam, and he really didn't want to severe anything else.

"I fucked up with Adam," he said, sounding resigned as he leaned into the pillows on his bed. He was lying down, with Matthew and Declan downstairs watching something loud and full of shooting. They invited him to join, but he declined. Neither knew what to say to him about this past week, about as good at it as Gansey and Noah were.

"Yes you did," Blue said gently. She didn't sound as arrogant as before, which he was mildly grateful for.

"I.... really didn't want to." He sighed into the receiver. "What can I do?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was Monday again and Adam had one hell of a weekend. Saturday evening he hung out with both Gansey and Blue, feeling weird to be a third wheel on what felt like a date to the movies. Sunday he worked and then Blue called him and invited him over, managing to get him to admit he liked Ronan.

"I like him. I have _feelings_ for him. He's hot and annoying and I like it. You happy?" He sighed. She put her arms around him as he buried his head in a pillow.

"Yes, I am happy. Thank you."

"Doesn't mean I'm going to do anything about it, though," he said, and she groaned in dismay.

"Oh, Adam-"

"It doesn't feel right liking him, after I took that money."

"Oh." Blue let go to look at his face, her own filled with sadness. He shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the reflection of his own mood stare back at him. She held him again, arms snaking around his shoulders, and she held tighter than before. "There's nothing wrong with liking him now, you know. You're allowed. But I won't push anymore. I'm sorry."

He was trying to study in the library, but he kept repeating that conversation over and over again in his head. He missed him, what little parts of him he was starting to know, but he was still upset. With Ronan. With Gansey. With himself most of all.

Since Gansey found his last spot, Adam found another corner of the library to study in, one where no one could run into him. It was a section very rarely used, and he occupied his space there on the floor by the windows, studying for several papers he had to write in his varying classes. These past few weeks were killing his studying groove, and while they weren't affecting his grades it certainly affected his sleeping pattern. It was hard balancing overthinking about a boy with homework and work.

There was feedback in the sound system installed in the library for morning announcements, and Adam winced, plugging his good ear. It came without warning, and served no real purpose.

"Great," he muttered. "Now I can't even study here."

He started packing up when music started playing through the speakers, only making him more irritable. Some stupid prank probably. Why couldn't they do something valuable with their time? It aged him prematurely to think of the effort that went into hijacking the announcement speakers just to do this, when these people could have easily spent that time doing something valuable.

"Adam Parrish, if you're in here, this one's for you."

Adam almost gave himself whiplash his head jerked up so fast in surprise. Ronan's voice was soft, and he realized it was coming through the sound system. Jesus Christ. He was the hijacker. Was he dreaming? Had he fallen asleep in the library? Or was this some weird joke?

 

_I thought love was only true in fairy tales_

_Meant for someone else but not for me._

 

Adam was unwound. He could _sing_. His voice was silk as it echoed through the library, and as he continued, Adam realized the song was actually being sung _in_ the library. Like a string were attached to him with someone on the other end, Adam felt an invisible pull toward the center of the library. He gave into it, letting Ronan's voice cool his nerves and bring him out from hiding. Slowly he moved out of the aisles, following the sound of him singing from under the speakers' repetition. The beat was slower than Adam knew this song to originally be sung, a cover of some sort. Ronan's voice was slow and sultry, unimaginably so.

 

_Love was out to get me_

_That's the way it seemed._

_Disappointment haunted all my dreams._

 

There Ronan was across the library, standing on one of the tables, a microphone in hand. Some of his tennis team stood behind him with musical instruments like a tambourine and a triangle, hitting them in tune with what played over the sound system.

Through the crowd that had built inside the library, Ronan saw him and locked eyes. His singing turned straight to him. The power behind his gaze rattled Adam, like an energy wave ripped through him, and he staggered back a step. What the fuck was happening? His face went hot as the beat kicked in and picked up. Ronan quirked one of his infamous little smirks. 

 

_Then I saw his face, now I'm a believer_

_Not a trace of doubt in my mind._

_I'm in love, I'm a believer!_

_I couldn't leave him if I tried._

 

Everyone, not just Adam, was staring in bewilderment at this showcase of impossibility. As Ronan sang, he started to jump from table to table, his back up hand awkwardly following after him, running around the tables and chairs to keep in step, as Ronan kicked notebooks out of his way and stepped on chairs between tables if need be. Adam realized he was coming closer to him, purposefully so. His eyes didn't leave Adam once since he spotted him. Adam visibly swallowed, his heart racing. This asshole.

 

_I thought love was more or less a given thing,_

_Seems the more I gave the less I got._

 

The collective of students around them made way as Ronan hopped off the last table, now level with him. Adam realized all too late he was headed his way, and he was frozen in place by his voice.

 

_What's the use in tryin'?_

_All you get is pain._

_When I needed sunshine I got rain._

 

Slowly he walked to him, still singing. The crowd turned to follow where Ronan moved, watching him walk to Adam, who was self-analyzing a lot right now. This whole thing was very revealing. Ronan came and stood in front of Adam, his eyes piercing as he sang so close. Ronan reached and crooked a finger under Adam's chin, running it underneath from his throat and forward. Adam shivered.

 

_Then I saw his face, now I'm a believer_

_Not a trace of doubt in my mind._

_I'm in love, I'm a believer!_

_I couldn't leave him if I tried._

 

When Ronan grinned, Adam swallowed, gripping his books tighter against him. He watched with silent investment as Ronan pulled back toward the tables. The song went into a melody break, and more of the tennis team appeared, dancing in an awkward synchronized dance. Everyone started laughing, even Adam, as they got up onto the tables to be Ronan's backup, who danced as well as them but intentionally not in sync. He put the mic back to his face to sing again when the librarian and school security appeared. The tennis team scrambled around, even Ronan, although he kept singing as he ran.

 

_Oh. Oh, love was out to get me_

_Now, that's the way it seemed_ _  
Disappointment haunted all of my dreams_

Security kept chasing them around, and Ronan laughed into the mic as the music kept playing. Adam, as well as everyone else in the library, was hypnotized by his lunacy.

Eventually he disappeared, security still after him and his teammates, but the music remained over the loud speakers. 

Soon the crowd began to dissipate. The moment was over, but Adam still lingered longer than the rest. He was shaken. Ronan really did that, for him. Embarrassed himself again, only this time Adam didn't feel embarrassed too. He felt something else, indescribable. It sat at the base of his stomach and wound up to his chest, fluttering around with a thousand wings. This was really happening, wasn't it? He smiled into his books as he walked to his next class when the bell rang. Well, shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam wasn't surprised to hear Ronan got sent to detention for his performance. It was all anyone could talk about the rest of the school day. No one said anything about it being for Adam, almost like they didn't need to. Adam spent his last classes of the day sitting there trying not to smile so visibly. Even though he tried, he found himself on more than one occasion slipping and smiling so wide his cheeks hurt.

After school, instead of going to see Blue, he made a stop by the room detention was held in. Inside he could see the small collective of the tennis team security managed to catch, and in the center of them was Ronan. Miss Wallis, the health teacher, was sitting at the desk at the front of the room. She liked Adam, but not enough he could see Ronan with her in there.

Awkwardly out in the hall, he waited until Miss Wallis left for a bathroom break, which he knew wouldn't be long. She had a habit of going often, and he used that to his advantage by standing a little out of sight until she left.

He snuck into the room when the coast was clear. Ronan's head perked up from the desk when the door shut behind him. They looked at one another, and instantly Ronan's face shifted from empty to wild. He was visibly surprised. Adam gave him a small wave, then motioned with his neck to leave.

The others were all so bored out of their skulls they hadn't seen him yet, staring off into space. Still, he thought it best not to grab any of their attention, otherwise Miss Wallis was going to come back to an empty detention room.

Ronan appeared to not understand. Adam then pointed to the door and waved him over. This stirred a better reaction from him, having finally caught on. All too quickly he rose from his deck, but then immediately went back down as Miss Wallis came back.

"What are you doing in here, Mr. Parrish?" At the very least she seemed pleasantly surprised to see him.

"I, uh, came to tell you I really miss having health class with you," he said. He was almost impressed with how quick he came up with that lie.

"Aw. You do?" Miss Wallis put a hand on her chest. She looked to be moved, which was exactly what the intention was. To move her.

He walked a little away from the door toward the desk, so there was space between them, and Miss Wallis followed his movement, walking with him. Her back was now turned so she couldn't see the door or Ronan anymore. When she wasn't looking, he jerked his head toward the door again. Ronan caught on sooner than before.

"Yeah," he said, watching Ronan rise out of the corner of his eye. "I felt it was so informative about.... sex and drugs, but there's so much more to know. You know?"

He sounded like he was high. Miss Wallis appeared as concerned about it as he felt.

"Like what?" Her eyes narrowed.

Behind her, Adam could see Ronan start to tiptoe toward the door. He tripped against a desk. Miss Wallis turned at the sound.

"I'm-- really into drugs-" Miss Wallis turned back before she spotted him. Ronan and Adam made brief eye contact, and Adam almost let him get caught by the smirk on his face.

"Dear god. Adam."

"I mean," he ducked his head, " _learning_ more about the consequences of drugs on your body."

"Oh." Miss Wallis sounded relieved, but she still shook her head in disbelief at what he said. He put a hand over his eyes to avoid looking at Ronan, who was trying hard not to laugh out loud at him. This was absurdly difficult.

"Well, I think we pretty much covered it in class," said Miss Wallis. Behind her, Ronan kept walking toward the door at a snail's pace. Adam almost motioned to go faster, but she would've seen that.

"Yeah but you can never be too careful," he said, eyes flickering between her and Ronan.

"Okay, well...." Miss Wallis was good natured for humoring him, even though it sounded as if he was using the drugs he asked to talk about. "As I said in class..." As she began explaining the basics of what drugs did to inside the body, Ronan reached the door. He opened it, and the sound alerted her again. Adam panicked at what to say so she wouldn't turn away to see him leave.

"Sex!"

Miss Wallis gaped. The other tennis players in the room all looked up at him as he shouted.

"Uh, what?"

The door shut behind Ronan, and Miss Wallis looked at it from the sound. Adam didn't know what else to do but hug her awkwardly. This was highly inappropriate, but he did just break Ronan out of detention.

"That's it," he said. He pulled away. "Gotta go. Really great talk, Miss Wallis."

"I... okay, Mr. Parrish." She looked completely mystified by him. "Are you feeling alright? Anything you want to talk about?"

"No, I'm good."

When he walked outside he had such a rush of thrill. He snuck a glance inside the classroom again through the small window built into the door, but it didn't appear Miss Wallis was aware one of her detainees was missing. That was really dumb of him, but he liked it.

His heart rate was jittery as he looked across the hall to see Ronan leaning against the lockers waiting for him. He peeled himself free when Adam came walking to him, alone for the first time since the party.

"My knight in shining khakis," Ronan remarked.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Adam sounded winded. He wanted somewhere to talk to him, and school was certainly not the place.

Ronan's brow rose. "Where did you have in mind?"

"Did you have lunch?"

"I could eat."

They started walking, Adam unsure who moved first. Further down the hall, they came together like magnets pulling each other in, standing close as they walked down the center toward the end.

They remained silent the entire walk to Adam's bike, who as he was taking the chain off looked up at Ronan and said, "Shrek? Really?"

Ronan was insulted. "It was the Monkees first before Smash Mouth covered it," he said. He shook his head at Adam's misunderstanding.

"Mm." Adam wasn't aware there was another version before Smash Mouth's. He suspected a part of Ronan still performed it because of their relation.

"I saw it in a movie once," he said defensively. He kicked up dirt from the ground with the toe of his boot, almost hitting Adam's leg as a result. When he realized, he stopped.

"You mean Shrek?" Adam mused.

"No, asshole," Ronan said. "The performing part."

Adam hummed in response as he pulled the chain out from around his wheel. He couldn't stop smiling at how shy Ronan was being in relation to how he was before. His tone was slightly agitated but a fonder form of it than what Adam was used to. Things had shifted.

"How did you get your teammates to participate?" he asked.

"They're all in love with me, obviously," Ronan replied.

"And the real answer?"

Ronan's cheeks went pink a little, and Adam grinned.

"I told them if they didn't help I would quit the team," he grunted. "I don't enjoy it like I used to anyway." He shrugged. Adam wanted to speak but then he added, "Don't let it get to your head."

"Oh too late for that." Adam made a motion with both hands of a bigger head. "Big inflation. You serenaded me in the school library."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't say serenade."

"What would you say?" Adam smirked.

"I.... fuck."

Adam stood up after unlatching the chain of his bike. He couldn't stop smiling to the point it kind of hurt his face. He noted Ronan's proximity, so close it was a little overwhelming. This was new, even if he still looked at him with that annoyed look of his.

"Why did you sing for me?" Adam pressed.

"It wasn't-" He caught himself before he got agitated again. His voice went lower, softer. "I don't know. It felt like the thing to do."

Adam chewed his lip as his brow rose. He liked being able to tease him and make him shy. Ronan pulled up his hood from his jacket as the wind picked up, but instead of seeing the scary Ronan who scowled all the time, like he used to, he saw a soft boy who blushed when their eyes held a gaze too long.

"Out of all your options you picked that one," Adam said, still in disbelief.

"It worked didn't it?" He looked like he was trying to glare, as if Adam may have insulted him with the comment.

Adam couldn't argue with his answer though, and he smiled. Ronan faltered, not expecting that as a response, and he swiftly looked away.

"I'll drive," he said. He reached for the handlebar of Adam's bike and took over walking it forward. Adam was made speechless by the act.

In the car he sat apart from him, although the option remained to sit closer. He needed to build boundaries. This was a dangerous thing, when he felt so heavy from taking the money.

But without the money he would've been oblivious to how funny Ronan could be, as he talked about a story about him and Noah. How they once built a trampoline that they could jump off of from Noah's room into his pool. They were thirteen and he broke his arm because of it.

Adam laughed until he cried from another story, about him and Gansey last summer, and how Gansey tried to pick up a girl by accidentally insulting her mother.

They drove to a diner just on the edge of town near Cabeswater Park. Adam hadn't been to it before but Ronan said it was one he sometimes went to on his way home from school. They sat in a corner booth, Ronan sitting across from him. They ordered a plate of fries to share, and Adam ordered a cheeseburger while Ronan ordered a milkshake. Until the food came they sat in silence, unsure where to start. Adam could feel Ronan trying to relate things with his eyes, and he sat there trying to figure out what they were.

Eventually when the food came, things became a little easier somehow. Adam had been starving all day and it was nice to silence the growling of his stomach.

"Where did you learn how to sing?" he asked. He reached for a fry, and Ronan stole it from his hand and ate it. That was the third time he did that. Adam tried not to laugh as he slapped at his hand.

"There's a whole plate," he said, picking up another one. Ronan grabbed that one too. " _Lynch_."

"I thought you were holding them up for me," he said. "You weren't?"

"I...." Adam broke into laughter.

Ronan smiled wide and warm when he looked over at him, sating something inside him.

"I sang choir at church as a kid," he said. "I know an awful lot of Catholic church songs."

"I can't imagine you singing in a choir," said Adam.

"It would go down exactly like how it was today in the library," Ronan said.

"Oh, exactly?"

"Mhm. Including security chasing me off. Except with choir songs."

Adam snorted. He shook his head and watched Ronan try not to smile when he drank from his shake. As he lifted a fry to his mouth, Adam stole it and plopped it into his instead. In turn, Ronan showed his amusement by tossing another fry at Adam's face. He caught it in his mouth and chewed on it happily. Ronan sat there very still for a second.

"Skill," Adam said, moving to take a bite of his burger.

"Or maybe I just have good aim," Ronan suggested.

"I beg to differ."

"Hey." Ronan lifted another fry from the plate. "Let's go again."

"How will this prove anything?" Adam replied.

"Don't move. I'll go right in."

"And choke me," Adam replied.

"Eh. I know the Heimlich Maneuver," said Ronan. Adam barely had time to react when Ronan threw the fry, and it hit him on the cheek. It fell into his lap, where he caught it with his hand, eating it as Ronan grabbed another fry.

"Let's go again."

Adam hadn't laughed this much in a long time.

They talked more familiar than before. A burden had been lifted from their shoulders since the party, and a floodgate of conversation opened between them. They talked about Ronan's tennis, about Adam's jobs. About Gansey and Blue and their mutual disinterest in that relationship.

Adam knew Ronan had the two siblings but he didn't quite realize that his parents had both died only recently. By the way people talked about it at school he thought it had been a long time ago.

"How long ago was it?" he asked.

Ronan played around with the straw in his nearly finished milkshake. "A year and a half ago."

"Oh shit." Adam could see parts of Ronan falling into place before his eyes. "Were you close?"

"Yeah." Ronan frowned at the question. "I mean they were my parents."

"Not all parents are the same," Adam commented.

Ronan must've realize what he meant and he nodded glumly. "That's true," he said.

They were finished with their food, all but the milkshake having been taken away. The check sat at the end of the table untouched. One of Ronan's hands lay casually on the table and Adam reached for it. He touched at the back of it with his fingers, gently offering comfort without knowing any other way. Ronan turned his hand over to catch his fingers, and he looked over at him across the table with his bright blue eyes.

"I like you, Parrish," he said.

That must have taken a great deal of courage from him. It took so much out of Adam to even admit it to Blue.

"I know."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "Don't Han Solo me right now," he said.

Adam snorted, and thankfully Ronan smiled a little too, looking down at their hands.  They fit nicely together. Ronan had good hands. His held Adam's so tenderly it was overwhelming. Across from him, Ronan was still softly smiling, and as a result Adam shut his eyes and breathed sharply through his mouth. He squeezed Ronan's hand.

"I maybe like you, too," he said.

"Maybe?"

He knew Ronan was teasing, but he still felt a pinch from the reaction. He squeezed Ronan's hand again, for guidance almost.

"I like you, too," he said. "You're not as scary as everyone thinks you are."

Ronan was grinning when he looked up.

"Don't tell anyone," he said. "You'll ruin my reputation."

Adam laughed again, finding him impossible. This whole thing was impossible.

They paid for the food, Adam insisting they go dutch, and they left standing side by side, fingers teasingly touching. It was cold out and Ronan was bundled in his hoodie while Adam's jacket didn't have a hood to protect him from the cooler winds. The sun was coming out from behind the clouds at least, which hinted at a warmer late evening until it set.

As they walked back to Ronan's truck, he motioned to the park.

"I like to come here to think sometimes," he said.

"I've never been here before," said Adam. He took in the greens and browns and oranges as Ronan hadn't yet moved to the driver's side of the truck. He felt him staring at him as he was looking at the park. "It looks nice."

"Want to take a walk?" Ronan rubbed their shoulders together. "I'm not sick of you yet."

Adam rolled his eyes. "So sweet."

As they walked the park through the grass, Adam was assimilating himself to the idea he could maybe have this. That it was okay to have this. Like Blue said, there really wasn't anything wrong with liking him. It was allowed.

It was eye opening that Ronan had it in him to be sweet, which he used to think was impossible. It was tearing him up inside how warm it also made him feel.

"You sing really well," he said, after having tried to think of a way to say it without outright complimenting him. Eventually he just gave in.

"Thank you." Ronan smirked all smug and shit, tilting his chin up and his shoulders pulled back. Adam rolled his eyes.

"I mean, I'm not the greatest judge," he said. "I can only hear out of the one ear."

Ronan shoved at his shoulder and he stumbled a step sideways, breaking into small laughs. He came back over after a few more steps and knocked their shoulders together, pressing into his side tight. He could feel Ronan's fingers graze his again, and he reminded himself to breathe. Casually, he turned his hand so they slid into each other, fingers interlocking like they were always meant to fit together. He faked a cough as an excuse to look away, until he couldn't look away any longer and he turned back to Ronan to see Ronan already staring at him.

Adam's heart was racing.

"Do you know any other songs?" he said. "Or do you only know songs sung in animated films?"

Ronan knocked their shoulders again. "Asshole," he said fondly.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They lay down on a small incline in the grass at some point. Ronan couldn't remember whose idea it was or why they agreed. It was really nice, regardless of who suggested. Neither of them talked, not really needing to. They were clearly both still feeling this out. Their hands were still connected between them, Adam's fingers callused but strong.

Ronan really wanted to kiss him but he kept that to himself. Adam seemed like he was still figuring something out internally and he didn't want to rush that. He wanted whatever he could get, surprised to be allowed this much.

He was still surprised the singing worked. It hadn't caught up with him yet how he went in front of half the school and sang his feelings to Adam aloud and that it led to this. Blue's advice helped him a lot, although he suspected she didn't mean for this to be the outcome. She told him that Adam liked genuine gestures from the heart. Things that didn't expect compensation or reciprocation, just honesty. It was either the singing or a letter, but Ronan wasn't great with words of his own, so he picked singing in hopes that if it worked in a movie Matthew watched once it would work with him. The lyrics helped explain a little of what he was feeling, more than he could say on his own.

He was melting inside as Adam's hand fit softly into his, and Adam's cheek sat against his shoulder. It was November now, cold and slightly overcast. Adam shivered against him, but when he offered his hoodie Adam shook his head and said he was fine. As a result, he pressed tighter into Ronan's side. He couldn't complain.

This was the best day of his life so far. He was losing his cool edge, but Adam didn't appear to like him any less. He couldn't believe this was happening. He had crushed on him for so long from such a distance he found this surreal. Adam liked him. Without meaning to, he grinned up at the sky.

"What is it?" Adam asked.

Ronan said nothing, merely moved to rest their connected hands on his stomach. What kind of fucking luck.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was getting late, but Adam didn't want to leave yet. They were lying in the grass a long while that it was starting to get a little uncomfortable, but he enjoyed just lying here with Ronan.

Over the course of their late afternoon together, he had grown so comfortable it frightened him a little. Ronan felt so soft and warm and comforting, and it was terrifying how much he liked it. He sat up at once, and he stole a look over his shoulder back at Ronan, only to find him already looking at him too.

This was a problem.

Their hands were still connected, laced together like one. He could feel Ronan's heart beating against his knuckles where it rested, and he wished to pull himself free if only for a second. But every second he looked at Ronan, smelled him, felt him, the less he wanted to pull away.

"Why did you get jealous of Tad?" Adam turned toward him, lying sideways in the grass. "You're a hundred times more the person he is."

"Just a hundred?"

Adam gently shoved at Ronan's shoulder, a little annoyed. "Shut up."

"You really think so?" He could feel Ronan's heart racing as he closed his eyes. "I mean I know I am, but..."

Adam looked down at him, aching. He was an incredible ass but he was also becoming a fan of when he was an ass. It made conversation more interesting.

"You're one of the only people at that school I can stand," he said. He realized how true that was and it was startling. His eyes flickered down to the pink in Ronan's ears and the flush of his neck. His eyes were still closed and Adam inclined forward, taking in the softness of his features when he didn't scowl.

"If you had come back over to the sofa you would've seen me shove him off," he said, "and then we would've had a great time."

"I'm... sorry." Ronan opened his eyes to stare up at him.

"I'm not asking for an apology." Adam moved back a bit. "I just want you to know you have no reason to be jealous. Of him, or anyone. In the future you should talk to me instead of storm off like that."

Ronan looked a little breathless at this, and Adam stole the opportunity to touch at his face while he still lay down beneath him. He leaned into his chest, feeling at his features. Ronan allowed him to, looking absolutely wrecked by Adam's words. He didn't think he could do that to him.

"Do you think you know me?" Ronan said quiet, almost a whisper.

"I'm beginning to," Adam said just as low.

There was the ever present urge to dip down and kiss him, but he feared it was inappropriate. He wasn't even entirely sure he could do this, even though today was idyllic.

Then he noticed the time on his watch.

"I need to go," he said, and he sat up completely, hands pulling from Ronan to start swiping grass off.

Ronan sat up after him, not as rushed to leave. He almost looked dejected, but Adam couldn't allow himself to think about that right now.

"Your bike going to turn into a pumpkin or something, Parrish?" he said.

Adam turned to him. 

"And you turn back into a frog," he said with a straight face. He then poked Ronan's nose. "No, I have work."

"Oh. Boyd's right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, alright, I'll drop you off," Ronan said with a heavy sigh. "Don't have to beg."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Don't do me any favors," he said.

Ronan smiled at him and then moved into his side, and Adam treated it like a silent protest as he carefully inclined forward and rested his head on Adam's shoulder. When Adam didn't jerk away or push him off, Ronan then inclined further with his whole body, and Adam had to fight back the urge to turn his head and disappear into the feeling.

He needed to do a lot of things before he allowed himself the pleasure. He needed to talk to Gansey before that happened. To Blue. To himself. Because he wasn't sure what was happening, but he wanted more of it despite himself. He couldn't do this to Ronan, to himself. Emotions were involved now.

Carefully, he peeled away from Ronan, slow enough to imply with his body language he didn't exactly want to break apart.

“Come on, American Idol," he said. "Drive me to work."

They each stood up on their own and wiped themselves free of any residual grass. After, they walked back to the diner's parking lot, holding hands again on the way. In the truck, he sat closer to him than before, knees positioned to one side to avoid the gear shift sticking out of the floor. Their hands fit into each other's as before, something Adam didn't want to stop doing. It forced Ronan to drive one handed the majority of the ride, only using both hands to switch gears.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ronan reluctantly dropped Adam off at Boyd's. As soon as he put the car into park Adam pulled from him, his entire right side made cold from the separation.

"Cool," said Adam. "Thanks."

"Thank you, too," Ronan said. Adam turned to him confused for a few seconds, until he remembered the whole breaking him out of detention thing.

"Bye."

Adam moved to leave, door open and legs swung out. It almost felt fitting nothing came of this, not yet anyway. Then Adam turned back and kissed him on the cheek. Ronan went still at the feeling, Adam's soft lips against his skin. He closed his eyes as Adam let his lips linger. A shiver ran up his back.

"God, Parrish," he found himself saying. "I hate to break it to you, but I was just in this for the opportunity to perform."

Adam dropped his face down into Ronan's shoulder for a second and Ronan thought he fucked up, until he felt him shake and heard the faintest laughter against his hoodie.

"Asshole," he said, endeared more than insulted.

"Nerd," Ronan replied almost on instinct.

Adam cleared his throat and pulled away, which Ronan hated that he had to do, but he wouldn't voice it. The boy had to make a living.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said.

"Tomorrow," Ronan repeated.

He waited until Adam got out and grabbed his bike from the back, and then watched him come round to the front again to wave at him through the window. Once he left inside Boyd's auto shop Ronan reached up with both hands and grabbed at the roof of his car, as he tried to contain his breathing.

"Holy shit."

When he collapsed into bed that night, after feeding the cows and the chickens and Chainsaw, he texted Adam even though he was at work. It was a link to the Monkees' version of the song he sang, so he knew he wasn't bullshitting him.

Adam replied an hour later.

_Wow Shrek inspired a song in the 60s? Shrek's impact._

Ronan shook his head laughing. Chainsaw perched on the pillow by his head, wanting attention, and she was rattled by his violent reaction to Adam's stupid joke. He petted her as he debated replying now or tomorrow. He waited barely a minute and then replied anyway.

_how was work?_

Adam replied pretty quickly this time, it made him sit up like a lightning bold. Chainsaw squawked and fluttered her wings at him in irritation. He ignored her, surprised Adam replied with such speed.

_Is this small talk, Lynch? So you **do** make small talk outside of dates._

Ronan rolled his eyes until he got another text.

_I'm still at work for another hour. There's a car here that's being a dick._

He didn't know what to say to that. That sucks? I'm sorry? This was painful. There was a reason he never texted people. There were a lot of reasons. He chewed on his lip as he tried to think of a witty response, and in that time Chainsaw came back over to him for attention. She sometimes acted more like a cat than a bird.

_well then you should know how to handle it after dealing with me_

He waited for a response but didn't get one and he started to panic a little as a result. He hated texting. It could be spread out over a long length of time and he didn't like that. The waiting. As a result of his anxiety, he set his phone down and moved Chainsaw off the bed and into her cage so she knew to chill a bit, but the door left open so she could roam. He brushed his teeth and washed his face and when he finally came back to bed found two texts waiting for him.

_Hahahah asshole_

_I gotta get back to work. I'll see you at school tomorrow, hooligan._

Ronan didn't know if replying mattered or not, and so he didn't. That was a semi successful text chat. He managed to possibly make him actually laugh out loud and not just in words sent through a phone. He knew he made him laugh earlier that day. Adam's laugh did things to him a laugh shouldn't usually do, and he smiled as he lay down to go to sleep.

Halfway through trying, he woke up and replied anyway.

_night, nerd_

Going to school was suddenly a welcome thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont worry the paintball scene will be in this!! ive just moved it :)
> 
> this is the song ronan was singing btw [enjoy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udX6y-FB3vU)
> 
> as always i love and appreciate your feedback and comments. :)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [here](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)


	5. The Barns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Did you....." Ronan closed his eyes. "... want to go to my house?"
> 
> "Your house?" Adam was incredibly surprised. He thought they were just going to get lunch. This felt bigger. "Like where you live?"
> 
> Ronan opened his eyes and looked irritated.
> 
> "That's generally what people mean by house, yeah," he said unsweetly.

It was Tuesday morning and Adam was rereading the texts from last night he exchanged with Ronan while over breakfast. Breakfast was dry cereal, as he ran out of milk yesterday. He downed it with heavy gulps of water, the crunch and the dry scrapes against his throat not so bad followed by the tap water from his sink.

He couldn't believe yesterday happened, it almost felt like someone else, or a very vivid dream.

Before leaving for school he put his dishes in the sink and then checked himself one last time in the bathroom mirror, catching himself doing it and knowing exactly why he even cared. He rolled his eyes at himself as he grabbed his book bag and hurried down the stairs to grab his bike.

He was surprised to find a car parked outside when he came out, and even more surprised when he realized who was driving it.

It was Ronan, who looked at him as he started walking over, cautiously. This was unexpected. Ronan leaned over the seats to roll down the passenger window, and Adam rested his arms on it to pillow his chin.

"Stalking me now, Lynch?" It was a callback to what Ronan said to him at Grunge House.

Ronan shrugged the statement off.

"Thought you might want a ride," he said. There was no malice behind it. It was a genuine offer.

Adam glanced back at his bike still chained to the pipe that stuck out of the church wall.

"I already have a ride," he said.

"I'm surprised that thing makes it all the way to school every day," Ronan remarked. Normally Adam would've gotten angry and snapped at him for a comment like that, but he was starting to see some of his sarcasm wasn't as acidic as he felt it was before. Adam rolled his eyes at him anyway and judged the situation at hand. Ronan was offering him a ride because he liked him. Adam wanted to deny it, because they weren't dating. Actually, he wasn't really sure what they were.

Ronan was still looking at him when he paid attention to it. His tie was properly worn today, shirt tucked in from what he could see, and his hooded eyes were sharply on him. Adam chewed thoughtfully as he surveyed his options. It was embarrassingly not that long for him to decide to get in the truck with Ronan, opening the door and tossing his bag in before him.

The drive to school was quiet and brief, and when Ronan parked his truck Adam didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't have any classes with him today, and as a result this was the last he would see of him until maybe lunch. Why the thought bothered him so much, he didn't know.

There was a lot unsaid in those seconds before Ronan unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the truck. He and Adam were on a new playing field now, and it was obvious neither of them knew what to do about it.

Adam got out of the truck after him, hooking his book bag over his shoulder. They came together like magnets when they both reached the end of the truck's bed to meet, touching casually.

Classmates stopped and stared at them, quite literally in some instances. Adam felt like a sample under a microscope, being examined and studied. All they were doing was walking.

Beside him, Ronan eventually caught on that Adam was made uncomfortable, and he scowled at those that stared. Several cowered away immediately.

"Not going to burst into song today, are you?" Adam teased.

Ronan looked at him and looked only semi amused.

"Can't say for sure," he said. "I was thinking of serenading Mr. Bouford after lunch."

Adam rolled his eyes. He almost made a comment that that would be cheating, but that towed the line of joke and sincerity, and he didn't want to do that. They weren't even together.

They reached inside the main building on campus and made a stop at Ronan's locker. Adam was surprised to find he used it at all, and he leaned against the lockers as Ronan exchanged things from inside it into his bag.

He watched him while trying not to be too obvious about it, glancing his direction as people passed. Eyes still fell on them occasionally, but people were subtler in here. Adam didn't expect this, but after Ronan singing for him yesterday he shouldn't have been all that surprised.

"You aren't skipping today, are you?" he thought to ask. He knew sometimes Ronan would come to school and leave at lunch, if he came at all.

"Why?" Ronan shut his locker, and looked at him. When his full attention was on Adam, Adam became aware of every inch of his body. His posture straightened out as a result. "Will you miss me?" Ronan teased.

"No, but you're kind of my ride," Adam admitted.

"Don't worry your little head." Ronan eyed him with such intensity he felt like goo. "I'm suffering the entire school day today. Learning."

"Oh, no, learning?" Adam used the excuse of his eye roll to turn his cheek. He couldn't look in Ronan's eyes for too long, or else he felt something swimming inside him that he wasn't ready to feel. "The torture. What's next? Reading a book?"

Ronan was unamused, and when his gaze laxed in its ferocity, he looked back at him. He even allowed himself to touch him, disguising a tug at his tie as a way to run his fingertips down his chest.

"You look nice with your tie on properly," he confessed. It just came out, and his hand fell down to his side again. "Less like a looter."

Ronan scoffed and then picked his tie up himself, staring down at it. "I feel like an idiot," he said.

Even though it was a small thing, Ronan feeling comfortable enough to admit some minor form of self consciousness felt very much an earned thing. Something privileged, even though it wasn't exactly good he called himself an idiot for wearing a tie the right way.

"A cute idiot," Adam said. His cheeks prickled with heat when Ronan's eyes rose up to his again. "See you later."

He turned on his heel to head off to his locker, internally screaming at the fact he really said that. This was too much. He had become all the cliches of the characters in teen films Orla watched.

The more he got to know Ronan the more done in he was for him, but that was the problem wasn't it. How far was he going to go with this? To be known and to know each other was a terrifying thought. It wasn't too late to go back, but Adam wasn't completely sure if he wanted to. He didn't want to hurt Ronan, and he didn't want to get hurt himself. But this was inevitably the best thing that happened to him since getting into Aglionby, other than the one time he did better on a pop quiz than Ronan in Latin. He was never going to let that go.

When he turned back for one last look at Ronan, he found him already looking at him.

Because he wasn't looking forward, he then walked into someone, and he staggered a bit, jerked out of his head as they knocked together. He quickly composed himself and walked on, imagining Ronan was probably laughing right about now.

Adam reached his locker not long after, to find something sticking out of it from one of the slots at the front of the door. Curious. When he opened his locker, a white envelope fell out and on the floor. He bent down to grab it, and while he was down there he examined what was inside. A huge wad of cash and no note. Quick, he shut it again, fueled with anger at who he knew had to be responsible.

He was going to murder Gansey.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

School wasn't torture today, not as much as it usually was. It was plain as day to Ronan as to the why, who passed by him earlier between classes and tugged at his heart strings when he gave him that elastic smile. He was the one to walk into someone in the hall this time.

Gansey noticed it earlier in class when he showed up on time. Henry noticed it when he didn't throw his clipboard across the hall. Noah noticed it when he caught him actually paying attention in class.

They were in the middle of a lab experiment, wearing goggles and gloves, and Ronan was actually trying to learn something today. Might as well, since he was here and all.

"You're chipper," said Noah. "What's with all the random smiling at the chemicals? What did they do to deserve that?"

Ronan rolled his eyes. "It's nothing," he said, rebuffing.

"You don't just randomly smile," said Noah. "I once saw you laugh at a joke and you were still glaring. What's gotten into you, or should I say _who_?"

While Ronan knew Noah didn't mean for the comment to come off so dirty, it did and he twitched his eyebrows upward on his forehead. Noah returned his attention to the beaker they were filling with different chemicals to make... he couldn't remember what exactly. He wasn't paying as much attention as he should've.

"You look happier than yesterday," Noah went on. "Less volatile than you've been for the past week."

Ronan continued to say nothing.

"How did the singing go yesterday?"

At this, Ronan finally replied. "I don't want to talk about it," he said. What he and Adam were currently testing out, it was private. He didn't want anything to somehow get back to Adam. This was a small, gossipy school. Someone was bound to eavesdrop something and repeat it to someone else.

"What was his response to it?" Noah wasn't dropping the subject. He started pouring a blue chemical into the red they already filled their beaker with. "Did he like it? It was too much, wasn't it? See, I _told_ you-"

"We hung out after school yesterday, and that's all you're fucking getting out of me," he said, cutting Noah off.

At once, Noah stopped dead in his tracks. He was surprised, almost elated. His lips quirked up into a delighted but bewildered smile. "For real?"

Their experiment started to overflowed with foam as his hand had continued pouring.

"Shit," they both groaned together, as smoke started to rise up from the foam.

"Mr. Czerny! Mr. Lynch! What did you do?" said their chemistry teacher.

"We put the thing in the other thing like you told us!" Noah and Ronan took a step back as their desk became engrossed in discolored foam. "Oh, no."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Lunch came all too slowly, and Ronan burst out of class like the school was on fire, and he made way through the growing crowd straight to the library. Before even bothering to get food, he first wanted to find Adam, but he wasn't there.

He even then checked the cafeteria, just in case, but he wasn't in there either.

As he started to head to his locker to dump off a book in it, he one handedly started to text Adam asking where he was. It was unlike him to care, and he felt it might have been a little desperate to text, but he wondered where that boy so often disappeared to. One would almost think he was the one who skipped classes and had an extremely poor attendance rating.

Before he hit send, he heard yelling down the hall, and he could recognize the voice anywhere, even if he couldn't make out just what he said. He rounded the corner to see Adam fuming and leaving a classroom, marching away with the door shoved wide open. Not shortly after, Gansey was walking out after him, looking guilty and awkward as he went in his direction. Ronan waited until Gansey was past him before he turned the corner completely and went after Adam.

He found him outside sitting rather stiffly on a bench, his jacket collar pulled up to try to cover his cheeks from the cold. Carefully, he came to stand beside the bench, noticing how tense and angry he was. He was staring off somewhere unknown, his mind somewhere else too because he didn't notice him approach.

"Parrish?"

Adam startled and glanced up, and at once immediately untensed at the sight of him. His shoulders fell as he took his hands out of his jacket pockets.

"Lynch, hi," he said, sighing. "For a second, I thought you were...." His mind began to drift again as Ronan joined him to sit down.

"Is Gansey bothering you?"

A blanket expression flickered onto Adam's face, and then surprise, and then a reaction of something else but Ronan didn't catch it before it went away. His eyes remained stoically forward.

"No more than usual," he said.

Something clearly upset him, and Ronan wished to know what, but he didn't know if he could. There was a balance here, and he was standing on a very thin and wobbly tight rope trying to maintain it. He was pretty sure he was going to fall and fuck it all up.

"So that wasn't you I just saw storm away from him five seconds ago?" Adam's eyes drifted toward him, then away again. "Do you have a clone? Is that how you're top of the class?"

Adam stared at him witheringly, but even as he did he slacked against the bench a little more, scooting down with his legs separated in a wide sitting stance. One of his knees touched at Ronan's, who did not move.

"It's.... complicated," said Adam.

Progress they made yesterday seemed to be slipping away. He tried to reach out to him, but his hand froze before touching at Adam's. There was this invisible barrier between them, growing thicker and stronger. Not even his dumb humor seemed to work. 

"He told me about how he tried to talk to you about me before." Adam finally looked over at him, and really _looked_ at him, with open eyes that held nothing back. He was really upset about whatever Gansey said. "Was that what it was about? Was he trying to talk to you on my behalf again?"

Without saying a word, Adam confirmed his suspicions with a nod. Ronan was going to kill Gansey, and then kill him again for good measure. Oh, the balls on him sometimes. He couldn't leave well enough alone, could he?

Adam must have noticed the frustration building up inside him, because he reached out and touched at Ronan's hand, similar to what he did yesterday. Before he thought of pulling his hand away, Ronan turned his over, and allowed for their fingers to slip into the empty spaces between. All the anger pooled out of him at that touch. Adam's hand was cold, but so was his.

"He's always annoying," Ronan muttered. "Don't take it personal."

"Don't worry about it." Adam was running his thumb up and down the length of Ronan's forefinger. "I'm used to guys like that."

Ronan wondered if Adam ever thought of him as a 'guy like that.' Like a response to the internal thought, Adam gripped tighter at his hand. Ronan shied his gaze from Adam's soft glimmering eyes, sometimes unable to fully hold his gaze when he stared at him how he was staring at him now. With his undivided attention, Ronan felt exposed.

"Do you.... regret yesterday?" he said.

"I regret letting you throw fries at my face," Adam replied wistfully.

Ronan snorted.

"So wasteful," Adam added.

"Hey, I made it like five out of six times," he argued, doing his very best not to grin. He caught Adam's eye and lost his cool. A smile split across his face when Adam gave him a knowing look.

"Try one out of six," he corrected.

Ronan used his other hand to shove a little at Adam's shoulder, and Adam laughed, genuinely and carefree. He leaned his head back on the back of the bench, looking up at the clouded sky, as he laughed and laughed. Ronan would willingly take the SATs for that laugh.

There was no one else outside this November afternoon. Campus was a dead man's zone during winter if the option existed to be indoors. It was understandable why, it was fucking cold out here, but he liked the bite of the cold fresh air, the numb feeling his fingers and his nose got from being outside too long, and the privacy of sharing this moment solely with Adam.

When Adam stopped laughing, he tilted his head to look at him again, his cheek pressed against the metal of the bench. He looked so soft, freckles sticking out more from the pale of his skin due to the nippy air.

"Are you doing anything Saturday?" He asked it so casually, Ronan almost didn't recognize the implication behind the question. His heart skipped a beat.

He almost said he was free, but then he remembered he wasn't. Fuck having prior commitments.

"I have a match that day," he said, disappointedly.

Adam's interest peaked.

"They're still going to let you play even after yesterday?" he said.

"Of course." Ronan sounded almost agitated about it, and the only reason he was was because now tennis was getting in the way of this. He was being overdramatic, sure, but he also didn't want this to slip away, and time was a fragile thing. "I'm one of the star players," he muttered. "This school is lenient about that shit."

"Must be nice," Adam said bitterly.

They sat there a while in the silence, both stewing about something different. Adam continued to keep his cheek against the metal of the bench, and Ronan continued stealing glances his way to watch him think.

"If you want, you could come," he said, and without even thinking Adam shifted focus onto him. "I'm sure it's not the Parrish scene, but...."

Adam gave him a judgmental look. "And what is the Parrish scene?"

"Like a laboratory or something," Ronan muttered.

Adam laughed again, wild and frantic. It unearthed a lot of things in Ronan, hearing him laugh so genuinely at something he said, seeing him smile so bright. Since he transferred to Aglionby, he didn't see Adam smile very often, and god this was better than all the times he wondered what he looked like when he did.

"Was I right?" he said, and Adam laughed again. He was probably laughing more at Adam's joke being dumb, but he took it.

As their eyes held together, Adam scooted closer to him, pressing into his side and gaining a better grip of his hand. His thumb started moving in circles at the knuckle of Ronan's pointing finger.

"Not exactly," he answered him. "It's mostly been the library these days, and then Boyd's for the most part. I have another job too but it's not as often right now."

"Where's that?"

Adam looked to study Ronan's face. He appeared as if calculating whether to answer or not. Ronan wanted to know everything about him, but he didn't know if Adam wanted him to. Maybe eventually, he hoped.

Adam's gaze dropped down to their hands, where his other came to rest on the other side of Ronan's, his fingertips running over his cold skin and roughened knuckles. He licked his lips, chapped but still kissable.

"The coffee shop on Harlington," he said. "I'm a barista."

Ronan snorted at the way he said barista, pronouncing it strangely on purpose. He over annunciated the a at the end and the i.

As he looked down, his long lashes curled and distracted, touching down at the skin just above his cheeks.

"So it's true then," he said. "You must have a clone. Otherwise you're Superman or something."

Adam's cheeks tinged a little with a flush of color.

"I don't sleep," he said, quiet. "I'm Insomnia Man."

Ronan didn't really know what to say to that, so he said the first thing that came to mind. "Neither do I. But it isn't because of that."

Their eyes met again, and Ronan watched Adam carefully lick his lips a second time. It was too cold and windy out here, but neither of them looked the least bit interested to move this inside. He didn't want to have to let go of Adam's hand.

"What time is your match Saturday?" Adam asked.

"Around eleven." He caught on quick to why he inquired. "You really don't have to come. You'll probably be bored."

"Oh, I know I will, but I'll come anyway." He gave him a whimsical smile. "Maybe I'll get a nap in."

Ronan found himself smiling in return. "Your funeral," he said.

When Adam started biting at his lower lip, Ronan had enough impure thoughts about his mouth to last all winter. He looked away.

"I don't know about you, but I'm fucking hungry," he said. 

"That's nice."

Ronan gave him a look, fleeting but profoundly concerned in an exasperated way. "You know, all that studying's going to rot your brain," he noted.

Adam snorted. "No it isn't, jackass."

"They say there is such a thing as too much learning."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Where exactly do they say this?" He was defiant and argumentative in a way Ronan liked, challenging his shitty remarks with his own.

"The internet," he said.

Adam promptly scoffed at him. "Oh, that's a reliable resource," he said, thick with sarcasm.

"You can't eat books, you know," Ronan retorted.

"Learn that on the internet, did ya?"

Ronan didn't know what to say, and so he stood instead. He really was hungry, and as he stood he was still holding Adam's hand. Because of this, Adam's arm stretched upward as he rose. His eyes ran up the length of his arm to find Ronan's so far up.

"You should eat," Ronan suggested.

Adam's jaw seemed to tighten. "I'm not hungry."

It was clear he was upset, although the why seemed more complicated than that. He tugged on Adam's hand.

"Come watch me eat then," he said. "I'm apparently funny when I eat."

There was hope he would say yes, and as Adam rolled his eyes Ronan could tell there was no hostility in the act. He allowed Ronan to pull him to his feed, fumbling a step when he was standing.

"Fine," he moaned. "But if you aren't as funny as you say you are, I'm walking home after school."

Ronan shrugged. "I don't lose anything in this scenario," he replied.

He walked ahead of him, forced to let go of his hand knowing full well they weren't about to hold hands inside Aglionby. He suspected Adam wasn't ready for that, although Ronan wouldn't have minded showing off that yes he and Adam liked each other. Behind him he heard Adam groan, probably having just realized he gave himself the loss in his little jest and not Ronan.

 

~~~~~~~

 

The cafeteria was bustling with life, which was disrupted briefly as Adam and Ronan came walking in. Heads turned, voices softened, people were incredibly and obnoxiously conspicuous. Adam found it odd they became something of interest to look at at all, and he did his best to ignore them as he followed Ronan around. After Ronan grabbed his food, they moved to find a table. Adam sat across from him in the corner of the large room, that smelled of everything he couldn't have.

His stomach ached. He _was_ hungry, but he didn't have the money to spend at lunch today. He wasn't going to use any of Gansey's money anymore, not after yesterday, and especially not after this afternoon.

Earlier he approached Gansey in the hall and dragged him into an empty classroom, then berated him for his rich boy ways of handling his and Ronan's relationship. This wasn't part of Gansey's business anymore, and he wanted him to stop giving him money, especially now. Gansey tried to ask him questions every so often of his yelling, but Adam was on a roll and didn't let him ask a single one. He was so pissed off with him he almost wanted to burn the money in front of Gansey and watch his face, but he probably wouldn't even care. It was chump change for him. Adam tucked the money away at Blue's house in the meantime, and he was damned if Gansey was going to try to give him anymore.

Distracted, he didn't notice that Ronan was talking to him. Ronan pushed his plate a little closer to Adam's side of the table, and he became aware of the motion halfway through, staring down at Ronan's food.

"What was that for?" he said.

"A subtle way of offering you food, genius," said Ronan.

Adam's stomach tightened. He didn't want to eat his food. He could wait until after school, where he could eat at Nino's for free. 

"I'm not hungry," he said. His stomach growled, but he didn't think Ronan could hear it under the roar of the cafeteria.

He was still thinking about Gansey and the money situation, and it was seeping into their conversation, and the fact he was letting it get him upset only made him _more_ upset at himself and in turn at Ronan. He wanted to go back outside in the cold where no one else was around, where he could just sit there slowly going numb from the icy air while holding Ronan's hand.

"I don't have cooties," Ronan remarked flatly, eating some off his plate, but not pulling it back toward him yet.

"That's not-" He caught himself before he let his mood get the best of him. "Wait, you don't?"

"Jokes on you if I do," he replied, calm and amused. "We shared food yesterday."

That was true, but that was different. Adam was using the money from Gansey, and now he wanted to distance himself from it as much as possible when it came to all things Ronan.

Behind Ronan off to the side, he saw Gansey and the others at a table, staring at him none too subtly. Gansey caught on he was looking back, and before he looked away he offered a ghoulish glare. Ronan wasn't paying attention, he was busy taking a bite out of the food between them.

It looked good, and Ronan did offer, and he was hungry. He sighed, reaching for one of the tator tots off his plate, reminding himself Ronan wasn't Gansey. Ronan wasn't doing it out of charity, and he clearly didn't expect anything out of it in return. To Ronan, it was sharing and an unloaded offer with nothing attached to it other than to feed him.

He could just tell by looking at him, and his sincere smile that lasted but only a second, which spread at the sight of Adam grabbing something from the plate.

Adam's constant surprise by him was unwavering. Ronan was constantly making him rethink everything he knew about him.

"You sure you don't mind?" he said.

Ronan shrugged. Adam studied every single one of his motions and expressions. He wanted to understand the layers that together built up Ronan Lynch, a complicated boy that confounded him every minute.

"Penance for hitting you in the face with the fries yesterday," Ronan chirped. "If you want, I can throw the tots at you. Recreate yesterday's glory."

Adam smirked despite himself and plopped the tot in his mouth. It burned his tongue.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After school, Ronan got out earlier than Adam. At first he thought to wait outside Adam's classroom, but he felt that would be obvious and maybe even a little creepy, so he thought better to wait by his truck instead.

While he was waiting, Tad walked by in all his douchebag glory, wearing sunglasses on an overcast day and his hair parted in the middle like the pretentious dickface he was. Ronan hoped he would just walk on in silence, let the moment pass, but he knew that wasn't his style.

"Saw you at lunch today with Parrish," Tad remarked. "I didn't know you gave to charity."

Ronan's jaw clicked. He hated Tad before, for a lot of reasons. One was his personality. Another was his personality. Another was because he made out with Adam and for weeks didn't let anyone forget it. And lastly, the way he talked to and about Adam always made Ronan's knuckles ache as he balled his fists against his better judgment. He knew at his next tennis practice several balls were going to be fantasized as little Tad heads instead.

"Shitdick," Ronan hissed.

Tad was snide and callus, his comments often sharp and piercing exactly where he wanted them to. Oftentimes Ronan became so hotheaded around him he couldn't come up with any decent enough clapbacks because he was too busy fighting the urge to knock Tad down a peg by going for the shins.

"You're jealous," he said, fully aware of what happened to Tad at the party after he got blackout drunk. Knowing Adam shoved him into the pool only made him that much more crazy about him.

"Of what?" Tad looked like he smelled something rotten. "You two losers? As if, Lynch."

Ronan's knuckles were starting to twitch as Tad cackled like a D-rated villain from a bad 70s film.

"Tell that to your soaked loafers from when you got pushed into the pool," Ronan replied.

Tad glared at Ronan. Ronan glared back. It was always something in Ronan's eyes that scared Tad away, and he quickly backed up and started again for his car. He only made it a few feet before he turned back to Ronan.

"He's a waste of time anyway," he called out, as if distance could really save his sorry ass.

"That's rich coming from you."

Tad was silenced again, and his mouth fell open at the disgrace of Ronan's comment, as if it were anything like Tad's vicious words.

"Hey." Ronan cooled instantly when he heard it, and he looked away from Tad's ugly mug to see Adam strolling toward him. He was walking with a little skip in his step. "Sorry I'm late. I got caught up after class by... Tad." He noticed who Ronan was talking to and he stopped short of reaching him. The lightness in him disappeared.

"Wow." Ronan turned back to Tad, seeing he hadn't left yet and really wishing he would. "Tad held you up and annoyed me at the same time. You a teleporter as well as a piece of shit, Carruthers?"

Tad was glaring at them both, and he looked like he wanted to speak, but his eyes kept darting over to Adam and each time his mouth would shut. Adam's presence seemed to silence and fluster, and after a few more tries to talk he gave up and practically sprinted away to his car.

Ronan grinned as he and Adam properly greeted one another with Tad's absence. He watched the apparent coldness in Adam's eyes revert to the warmth he offered Ronan.

"I like what you do to him by merely existing," Ronan remarked.

Adam rolled his eyes. "You could use a little work on your flirting skills there, Lynch," he said.

"Who said I was flirting?" Ronan tugged once at Adam's tie, the only thing he could reach without being conspicuous. There were still people trickling into the parking lot to leave all around them, and he didn't want to take Adam's hand in public in case it weren't allowed. "You ready to go?"

He walked around to his side of the truck, and through the window he could see Adam blushing a bit, made a mess by his little tease. His grin burned his cheeks as he unlocked the truck.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On the drive home, Adam asked if he wanted to go to Nino's before dropping him off, and Ronan of course said yes.

He nearly forgot Blue worked there, until they walked in together and spotted her coming out from the kitchen in the back. She saw them walk in, and she almost dropped the pizza in her hands.

Ronan didn't know why it was Adam wanted to come here, but her reaction alone made it worth it.

"Hey, Blue," he said, casual and light.

She was still looking between them as if they had somehow joined into one and had two heads. "Hey... Adam," she said, slow and cautious. Her eyes then transitioned to Ronan. "Ronan......" Her eyes narrowed a little, suspicion now fueling her gaze.

Her voice changed between their names. When she said Ronan's name she sounded apprehensive. Her eyes fell to between them where Adam was holding Ronan's hand. It was the only thing they did that was beyond friendly, but it was his favorite thing. Adam's hands were beautiful, and every time their fingers fit together he felt his edges soften, and he knew Adam's were softening too.

"We'll be in the back booth," Adam said to Blue. He then waved at one of Blue's coworker's. "Hey, Diana."

"Hey," she said.

Adam started to guide Ronan toward the back, and suddenly Ronan could smell the overwhelming scent of garlic as they passed the kitchen window. The place was half decent, and usually it was a hot spot for Aglionby boys, but today it didn't look so busy and all the patrons were locals instead. As they walked toward the less popular booths, Ronan moved to walk directly behind Adam, whispering into his neck even though no one else was close enough to hear.

"You come here a lot?" he asked. Even though he couldn't see his face, he knew Adam was giving him a look that told him he wasn't funny.

"No. First time," he said drily. He looked over his shoulder at Ronan and then behind them back toward the entrance. "You?"

"Once or twice." Had Ronan known Adam liked coming here, he would've gotten into Italian cuisine a lot more.

They sat across from each other in a large booth meant for more than just two. The benches were close together, and so when Ronan stretched his legs out he accidentally knocked into Adam's with his feet.

"If you wanted to play footsie, at least ask first," Adam said.

Ronan was almost embarrassed, but he played it off like he didn't care and that he meant to do that, even though he was going to replay the pained expression that flashed by on Adam's face when he unintentionally kicked him for days.

He put his hands on the table, and started nonchalantly fiddling with the paper mats they put out for diners, listing specials and discounts. Slowly Adam's hands came into view and grabbed for his, sliding into place like two puzzle pieces that fit together. Ronan's head tilted up to look across the table at him, finding him already staring back. He didn't know what they were doing, this playful flirting and banter between each other, but he couldn't complain. Adam let him push at his fingers with his own, fingertip to fingertip, and Adam pushed back.

So very badly did he want to kiss him, to touch him more than this, to tell him how much he liked him and how much just these two days alone meant to him. He wasn't good with words, and he wasn't good with figuring out pacing for any of this stuff, so he would wait. He could wait. Somehow he just knew Adam wanted to go slow, and so he would go as slow as he wanted, even if this was all he would get.

Under the table, he could feel Adam's legs slowly shifting around, knocking into his but a lot less insistent than his were. They slithered around, until they both rested against his so casually. Now each limb was touching, and Ronan was made aware of each one of them. It was nice. A little overwhelming, but nice. It was even nicer he could comfortably stretch his legs out like this, so often his long legs constricted into tight spaces to avoid this very thing.

"You keep staring at me," said Adam. His eyes were transfixed to Ronan's, who was very aware he was blushing a little.

"You're distracting me, nerd. I'm trying to read the specials."

Adam rolled his eyes and looked down at the similar mat in front of him. Over time, he held Ronan's hands flat on the table, palms up, and began running a fingertip over each one, following the lines of his palms going inside to out. He traced through his fingers and then back down towards his wrists. Ronan was getting cold and he couldn't tell if it was because of the terrible heating in this place or Adam.

Like a cannonball in a pool, Blue came and collapsed down into the booth, startling both of them. She sat next to Adam, whose hands pulled from Ronan's to disappear under the table.

Ronan didn't even see her walking over. He grumbled a little sourly when she appeared and Adam tensed up. His legs remained where they were, comfortable against Ronan's, and that had to count for something, but he didn't see the upside at the moment. He just saw his empty hands.

"Shouldn't you be working?" He sounded a lot more tart than he meant to.

Adam was frowning at him when he looked, but Blue seemed unperturbed. She was used to him by now.

"They don't care," she waved off. "How was school?" she asked Adam.

"It was school." Adam glanced Ronan's way. He wondered what was meant to be received from the look. Longing, he hoped. That's what he felt, and yet Adam was a foot away.

"That sounds dull," Blue said. "And Lynch, how about yourself?"

"It wasn't so bad."

Ronan was still looking directly at Adam as he said it, grabbing a napkin to have something to do with his hands. Adam smiled a little, and then was the one to drop his gaze first, possibly blushing. The lighting in this place sucked if you weren't near a window, which they weren't, so he had to live with his imagination that Adam was blushing. They were both a mess of emotions for the other, or at least Ronan liked to think so. He was certainly a mess for Adam.

He cleared his throat while he started picking at the napkin, retracting to rest himself against the cushioned back of the booth. Blue and Adam started catching up on their days, gossiping about some cousin or other of Blue's that lived with her. He didn't feel completely left out as Adam's one leg moved around under the table. It slid up the side of his halfway and then stopped when it almost reached the inside of his upper thigh. Ronan looked up from the napkin to see Adam stealing a glance in his direction. They said nothing, did nothing, only stared. He could feel the air leave his lungs and see the naked want so fleetingly pass through Adam's face before he composed himself. Ronan felt himself getting hot in the face and he didn't know what to do about it. If Adam was simply trying to let him know he wasn't being ignored that was a _very_ interesting way of doing it, and if it was more, well he was so new at this he simply rested his head on the table not knowing what else to do. He didn't know how to reciprocate, how far he could go, or anything. Adam had him against the wall. Now Ronan was thinking of him literally having him against a wall. He squeezed his eyes shut as the cool of the plastic table top numbed his forehead.

This was a very weird day.

In his pocket he felt a vibration from his phone, and he picked it out of his jacket to see a text from Matthew.

**matthew lynch** : _are you dating adam now????????_

**matthew lynch** : _i saw you two at lunch today. and hector said he saw you arriving to school with him today. is that why you made me get a ride with declan?!_

**matthew lynch** : _hello?? text me back._

Adam's hand was at his head, moving from the crown of his skull and down to the nape of his neck, running his fingers along the fuzz of hair on his scalp. It gave him every sort of shiver possible, the cold shaky feeling going all the way down to his toes.

He sensed there was a reason for it, and he raised his head off the table to see Adam looking down at him.

"Hey, loser," he said fondly. "Do you want any pizza?"

Although Ronan ate not that long ago, he could always eat some more. Both Adam and Blue were staring back at him as he sat up completely, tucking his phone away again into a pocket. Getting pizza meant staying longer, which meant more time with Adam.

"Where are we getting pizza?" he said. "I thought they only served swill here."

Neither one of his audience members was the least bit amused, and Ronan clicked his tongue with a sigh of defeat.

"Depends," he reluctantly added. "Are you?"

"I might be willing to share with you," Adam shrugged, "so long as you promise not to throw it at my face."

Blue looked between them, confused. Adam motioned to her without looking, aware without even seeing it she was making a face.

"Long story," he said.

"I can't make any such promises," Ronan replied, living off the high of the goosebumps trails on his skin. "You're just going to have to risk it."

Across from him, Blue draggingly rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out in a manner of signifying she was grossed out. She made a gagging sound.

"If this is how Gansey and I sound, I'm so sorry Adam," she said.

"No, you're actually worse," said Ronan.

Adam laughed despite himself. Ronan smiled at his laughter.

"Get a room," Blue moaned.

Adam turned to her. "We aren't doing anything."

She raised her brow as if to challenge him to that statement, and then she got up from the table. Ronan perked up now that she was leaving. He got that they were best friends, but he just wanted to be alone with Adam as long as he could.

"I'll come back around later with your pizza," she said, and then to Ronan she added, "Lynch, always a displeasure."

He gave her a two finger salute, tapping at his forehead. She gave him the middle finger in return, but he knew she wasn't genuine about it. She didn't hate him anymore after their phone call last weekend. In fact he almost saw her smile as she walked away.

When she was out of earshot he turned back to Adam. "She knows we didn't order anything right?"

"Usually I eat whatever she gives me and just pick off the toppings I don't like," Adam said. "It's free, so I don't complain."

"That's too sophisticated of a process for me."

"Shut up," Adam said, winding back a smile.

Effortlessly, his hands came and rested on the table again, and Ronan's followed suit. He let Adam's slide back into his, same as before Blue arrived. They resumed what they were doing before, his hands laid flat on the table for Adam to touch at.

Ronan was aware he was meant to be at tennis practice right now, but this was better.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Later, Ronan dropped Adam off back at St. Agnes after Nino's, the visit as a whole lasting about an hour. It would've gone longer, but Adam said he needed some time to study before work. Ronan was apparently fucking up his study schedule today. When he showed his glee to hear this, Adam made a point to say it wasn't going to become a habit. School was his priority. Ronan knew that, but he still felt a little giddy that he distracted Adam Parrish, the school's brightest student, from his studies.

It was probably for the best it didn't go longer. Ronan needed to get some practice in before his match Saturday. If Adam was going to come watch, he wanted to be at his best form.

They didn't hold hands during the car ride, but that was probably for the best. Last time, it was a little dangerous to drive, so heavily distracted. Adam did sit in the middle seat again though, and that almost proved as problematic for his attention.

When he parked, they paused and looked at one another. This was weird and neither of them spoke aloud of what it was. Were they dating? This was dating right?

Adam looked almost disappointed to have to go, and Ronan felt it too. This was ridiculous. They had the rest of the school week and then Saturday. But it didn't make it any easier to say goodnight.

Before Ronan could speak, Adam unbuckled his seatbelt and came and kissed Ronan on the cheek. A hand moved to rest at his shoulder, almost as if to hold him still. His lips lingered a length before he pulled away. This one was longer than yesterday's, and Adam ran his nose along Ronan's cheek, breath trailing across his face as he went.

"Thanks for the ride, Lynch," he said. He was on the other side of the truck before Ronan realized he left his. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I guess."

Adam opened the door and was halfway out before he turned back.

"Later, if you're bored, you can maybe text me when I'm at work." He shrugged it off like it didn't matter if he did or not. "I might reply. I dunno."

"I'll send you shrek memes."

Adam laughed, an eruption of sound that seemed to surprise him. It surprised them both. They were both terrible at this. Ronan always suspected Adam would be this suave, sexy guy in his fantasy of this. It was maybe nicer he had no idea what he was doing either.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Tuesday was the start of what quickly and easily became a habit. Every day for the rest of the week Ronan picked Adam up and drove him to school. They had lunch together every day. They sat next to each other in the classes they shared and sometimes stole touches when no one was looking. Ronan would be waiting for Adam by his truck every day after school to take him home, and they always made a pit stop, at Nino's or Cabeswater Park before he did. Adam would then kiss Ronan goodnight on the cheek, even though he wanted to kiss him elsewhere every time. He then would text Ronan when he was at work, and Ronan would text him when he would be at practice. Adam hoped the next week would be exactly the same.

Since he yelled at Gansey, he kept his distance. Neither of them mentioned it to Blue, and he wasn't sure what he was going to do the next time he saw him outside of school with her, but in the meantime he ignored it as if it weren't a problem. As if he weren't a constant reminder that this started from something so poisoned. He wished it hadn't, but if it hadn't it might never have started at all. He didn't know what to do, and after only one short week he was very much enjoying his time with Ronan.

Spending the time that they did together he was learning so much about him, and realizing all the things they had in common, his favorite of which was their incessant need to be an asshole to the other in an affectionate way. He was like that with Blue, too, but it was different with Ronan. Everything was different with Ronan.

 

**noah** : _what r u doing_

**ronan** : _hw_

**noah** : _tf? for real?_

**ronan** : _you know i don't like texting noah_

**noah** : _yah but u also hated everyone at school too and now ur dating someone so i thought maybe u would change ur mind about this too_

**ronan** : _are you mad or something_

**noah** : _im not mad. but u got mad at me for keeping my thing w henry a secret now ur doing the same with adam_

**ronan** : _It's not secret and it's not a thing. I don't know what it is_

**noah** : _have u dtr_

**ronan** : _what_

**noah** : _defined the relationship_

**ronan** : _no_

**noah** : _u should. sooner the better, before u like him 2 much and he hurts u_

**ronan** : _what makes you think he's gonna hurt me m_

**noah** : _it was just hypothetical. but you've ditched us you know_

**ronan** : _no one said you couldn't come sit with us. this isn't like that movie you made me watch_

**noah** : _mean girls is a bonafide classic. we're getting off topic here. r u happy? at least?_

**ronan** : _yeah. I am. I'm really happy_

**noah** : _that's all i care about_

**noah** : _we still need to finish the game we were playing b4 u fell in luv_

**noah** : _ronan? hello?_

**noah** : _dude cmon_

**noah** : _dude_

 

**blue** : _you guys have got to stop coming into ninos like that. I swear you almost had sex with him on the table today_

**adam** : _graphic. we were just holding hands_

**blue** : _yeah but it was the way you were holding hands_

**adam** : y _ou mean, like how everyone holds them?_

**blue** : _don't sass me boy. you're smitten_

**adam** : _unfortunately_  

**blue** : _once I get past the fact it's with ronan, it's actually really nice_

**blue** : _you're annoyingly happy together I wanna barf_

**adam** : _back at you, blue_

**blue** : _I'll admit gansey and I can be a bit much_

**adam** : _more than a bit_

**blue** : _but you guys are way worse and you haven't even kissed yet_

**blue** : _right?_

**blue** : _you haven't kissed yet?_

**adam** : _no we still haven't kissed_

**blue** : _ugh what's taking you so long_

**adam** : _It's been a week_

**blue** : _so?_

**adam** : _why are you so preoccupied with my love life? things not going so great with gansey?_

**blue** : _shut up. stop deflecting_

**adam** : _it's not a big deal. we're still feeling around. it's still... very very new to not find him 100% annoying._

**adam** : _only 65%_

**blue** : _looks to me it's 0% at ninos_

**adam** : _you know you suck, right_

**blue** : _ily <3_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Gansey and Noah never hung out this much without Ronan since they started being friends. For as far back as they could remember, Ronan was usually always present when they were hanging out together. But since Gansey started this chain reaction of Ronan and Adam's worlds colliding into this very revealing whirlwind and school wide romantic expedition, it was only ever really Noah and Gansey hanging out. Sometimes Henry dropped by, too, but then it was just weird having them make out and he was left to play video games alone next to it.

He missed Ronan terribly, but he spent every lunch with Adam and every afternoon after school with Adam. This entire week that's all anyone in his close circle ever wanted to talk about. Adam Adam Adam.

Thursday he asked Ronan to come by after practice and to hang out. Just for the occasion he purchased the latest video game out he knew Ronan would be into, but Ronan declined. He was probably going to be tired. When Gansey asked him how things were going Ronan gave him the brush off with a simple "Good" and then left early for class. Early. For. Class.

While he didn't tell Gansey a thing, Blue said Adam and him only talked, usually at Nino's or at some park nearby.

It was barely a week and they were like glue since Ronan sang to him. Gansey still couldn't believe he did.

Gansey felt a sense of pride in Adam and Ronan's connection. While he missed his best friend, it charmed him that he was genuinely and actively seeking this thing with Adam. That it all started because of him.

Ronan's attendance at school was actually thriving, even while his attendance with them was dismal. He would trade it back if he could, but it seemed unlikely while this thing with Adam lasted. Adam loved school, and it seemed to be rubbing off on his best friend.

"Well I think my plan is going over perfectly," Gansey said Friday afternoon. He changed the subject to Ronan, and instantly brought up the success of it all, even with the minor pratfalls with Adam and the money. "They're actually into each other."

Noah was less impressed and he paused the game to roll his eyes. "Don't pat yourself on the back just yet there, Gans," he said, words thick with contempt. He never truly appreciated the plan, and while now it was clear it was less about Matthew than it was an excuse for him to do something about Ronan, he was pretty proud he managed to pull it off. Even without Noah's blessing. "He doesn't know you paid Adam to do it. And I still can't believe you tried to pay him again on Tuesday."

"I thought it only fair," Gansey shrugged.

Noah slapped the back of Gansey's head, knocking his glasses off as a result. Gansey groaned, startled.

"Hey!" he gaped. He bent down quick and retrieved his glasses before they were broken by more clumsiness.

"Ronan's not here to do it," said Noah. He moved to unpause their game, but Gansey was still fiddling with his glasses.

"That's precisely the problem." With that said, Gansey slumped in into a heap on the sofa, overwhelmed with his nostalgia for a time when the three of them were happy and hung out. That was so long ago it felt more like a dream than a memory. "I miss him."

Noah groaned beside him and he threw his controller down on the sofa beside him. He ran both hands through his hair front to back, and then looked over at Gansey as if he was the most absurd man to ever speak.

"You don't get to complain about that," he remarked. "You're the one who started this whole thing. You wanted him to be happy. Now he's happy."

While Gansey knew he was right, he was still a little disappointed he couldn't make any leeway with Adam so they could all hang out together.

As if hearing what he was thinking, Noah added on to his argument. "You know it'll crush him when he finds out," he said.

Gansey's attention extended out again from his internal thoughts, and he shifted his gaze to Noah to see him staring back highly judgmental.

"He's never going to find out," he said. He was certain. He spoke as if it was the end of the argument, but Noah didn't react that way.

"Dude, that kind of thing always gets out," he said. "It finds a way."

Gansey sat up thinking about this. It put a thorn in his palm, the very idea of this making him uncomfortable.

"Well, I'm not going to say anything," he snapped. "Are you?"

"No," Noah said defensively. "But there's other people who know."

That was easily rebuffed. "Henry's head over heels for you," he argued. "He won't say a word."

"Adam," Noah replied. He said it with a knowing look, and silenced Gansey at once, which was precisely his agenda all along. The problem had been staring at him in the face the whole time. 

"Oh, come on." He scoffed at the very idea of it, but it started to eat at him, which he suspected was Noah's intention. It was like he wanted him to feel guilty for this. "Adam...." Gansey didn't know Adam well enough. He might say something. Gansey gulped. "No, I don't think so...."

"Your funeral either way, man," said Noah. He grabbed for his controller again and unpaused the game. Since Gansey was no longer playing, his character died early on, but Noah kept going anyway. Gansey didn't care. He started to panic a little at the idea that Ronan could find him out what he had done.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was Saturday morning, and a relatively warm winter day. Adam was nervous, the anxiety of today almost crippling him. The plan for today was to see Ronan at his match, and then afterward get food somewhere and hang out a bit until Adam had to go to work. All in all, it was a lot like how their last few days went, except this would be the first time Adam would see Ronan playing tennis and this was an elective visit unrelated to school. Without school there as the backbone excuse as to why they were around each other, this was very much a date. A real date. No money involved. No Gansey. Only his feelings for Ronan that crushed him when he focused on them too much.

His chest was hurting. All of this was a lot to take in when he allowed himself to. Ronan was sweet and tender and funny and still an asshole, but Adam liked that part a lot. He made him think. He made him laugh. He gave him that really annoying gooey feeling he once mocked people for having. Adam was disturbed by the sinking feeling that he was giving into this. Two weeks ago they had their first date at Tad's party, and now they were having their second one at school, of all places.

Before he left, he checked his hair one more time, then caught in the reflection how he looked in his shirt and he didn't like it. So he changed, and then changed again. He elected to put deodorant on for the second time since his shower, and all of this added up to almost making him late for the match.

Adam biked over to school, fortunate that the match wasn't out of town. Maura took the car this weekend out of town to see a sister or a cousin or a date or something, so had the match been out of town he couldn't have gone.

He arrived at the tennis courts on campus just in time to find a seat in one of the middle rows on the bleachers, where he settled in to look for Ronan. It was easy to spot him, broad shouldered and tall, standing off to one side of the court with a few of his teammates. He recognized one of them from the dancing part of his routine. It was a little surprising they were talking so casually to him, but then again they knew Ronan a long time. He said he had been a part of tennis since freshman year.

He watched the interaction between him and his teammates unfold as Ronan begin to let his attention drift. His eyes turned to the audience, scanning the bleachers for something. For him perhaps. When Ronan spotted him, he visibly brightened, although he didn't smile. He nodded in his direction as a subtle hello. Adam discreetly waved.

Even with all his nerves awake and his insides constantly pinching, he could see he wasn't alone in it. Ronan appeared nervous too, his leg twitching and his hands unable to stay still. Although, Adam suspected that had more to due to the match about to start.

His uniform was form fitting and cut, and Adam allowed himself the pleasure of admitting Ronan looked really hot in his short shorts and polo tee. Never did he see the day he would admit and find a tennis outfit sexy, and yet here he was.

The game was about to start, and Ronan went to retrieve his water for a drink. He watched him bend down to grab the bottle off the ground, and Adam let his eyes trail down and linger there a while. He was very fit and shapely, and his shorts were doing him justice that their school uniform did not.

When the match soon started, his thoughts only got more jumbled and inappropriate. Ronan ran around the court to get the ball, fast and aggressive. He was a powerhouse, an adrenaline pulsing machine, and Adam could see now why people liked tennis. Normally he found this game so boring, but today it was like watching a chemical compound finally mix together right, or the discovery of something new on another planet.

Every time Ronan knocked the ball back onto the other side of the court, he would grunt. Both players would grunt, but Adam wasn't into the one from Alabama. His sole focus was on Ronan, on every movement he made, on how he would quickly assess and study where the ball was going and where he wanted it to go. He was really good at this. It was clear why even when he did his hooliganry, he was allowed to still participate in games. He was winning. Every time he grunted Adam's jaw slacked just a little. He felt incredibly indecent, and scooted away from those he sat by to give himself space on both sides. Adam was glad it was winter and that he wore his jacket, as he fiddled with the zipper going up and down to keep his hands occupied.

This was a weird turn on for him. Incredibly eye opening. Dear mother of god. Ronan kept on grunting and his mind went hazy with soft white light.

The game did not last that long. Ronan destroyed the other player. After they shook hands, the crowd slowly dispersed, and soon Adam and Ronan were one of the only few left. Adam stayed up on the bleachers a little while, waiting until Ronan wasn't busy talking to anyone else. He was nervous still, more so now that this newfound admiration for tennis was revealed.

He climbed down the bleachers slow and steady, and found when he was close Ronan was sweating and gasping, downing his water bottle fast. He looked to be in a very high mood, and sprayed his face a little, Adam watching intently as the droplets ran down his skin.

When he saw Adam approach, he turned the bottle on him and misted him as well. Adam shivered.

"Asshole," he said.

Ronan quirked a shark like smile. "What'd you think?" he said.

Adam fingered the netting in Ronan's racquet, careful not to break anything. He kept his eyes on it instead of Ronan, whose clothes clung to him in places from sweat, and if his eyes fell on those places he was going to get even less sleep than he already did. Ronan was so close he was touchable, but Adam wouldn't dare. He was almost afraid what he would do if he did.

"If you put the same time and effort into studying as you do into playing this, you could maybe be almost as high as me in the class," he said.

"Really?" Ronan sounded almost giddy. He was dabbing a towel to the back of his neck when Adam allowed himself a look up. Adam almost made an embarrassing sound.

"I said maybe," he muttered. "Don't get so cocky."

Ronan responded by spraying him in the face with his water bottle again. Adam swatted his hand away, and swiped at his face with his elbow, drying his face on his jacket. Ronan was still all sweaty and gross, and yet the very sight and smell of him was incredibly revealing. He was learning so many new things about himself this week.

He realized he must have been staring, because Ronan raised an eyebrow higher than the other, quizzically taking him in.

"I'm gonna go change," he said.

"You don't have to," Adam found himself saying out loud, quicker than he would have liked.

While he hoped Ronan didn't notice how he said it, it was clear as day. In response, Ronan's smile was softer this time. He looked a little disgusted with what Adam said, who felt a little disgusted. He couldn't believe he just said that.

"I stink," said Ronan.

"Yeah, but you can always get better with practice," he replied.

Ronan responded by way of shoving shoulders together, and laughing despite himself.

 

Adam waited outside the locker rooms for Ronan, ignorant of everyone who walked out before him. They were probably staring, but he kept staring straight ahead so he didn't see. They didn't matter. None of the staring mattered. Soon, he hoped, people would get bored of them and he could just enjoy what it was without feeling like he had an audience for every move.

Not long, Ronan came back out fresh and changed. He wore a gray beanie on his head that Adam felt like pulling down over his eyes just because he could. He didn't.

Even though Ronan didn't say, Adam could tell he showered. His skin was still a little wet and he smelled differently, like soap instead of sweat and grass. Adam was mildly disappointed.

Without even thinking about it, his hand reached for Ronan's when their eyes met. Each time it made him nervous the fraction of a second it took Ronan to respond, and each time he held Adam's hand in return his chest eased a little.

"Thought you'd died, you were taking forever in there," he said. They begun walking down the hall toward the exit. There was no one else in sight, but it still felt wild and new to hold hands indoors at school.

"It's okay to admit you missed me," Ronan said next to him. "No need to talk around it."

Adam rolled his eyes but could feel his ears go pink at the same time. He could hear the ghosts of laughter under Ronan's breath, amused at his own remark. Of course he was. Adam pulled the beanie down over his eyes in retaliation.

Outside, they moved through the motions again like Monday afternoon, stopping by the bike rack for his bicycle. Monday felt like months ago not days. So much happened between then and now, it was really strange to think it hadn't even been a week yet.

"When do you have work?" Ronan asked, hovering above him still fiddling with his beanie. The toe of his boot gently nudged Adam's ankle, who only then looked up from what he was doing.

"Six," he said flatly, looking back down again.

"That's six hours."

"Astute observation," he said, taking the chain out from around the wheel. "You should be a detective."

There was a distinct and pregnant pause at that. Adam couldn't possibly have insulted him, he thought, as Ronan continued not to answer. When he finished what he was doing and stood back up, he noticed Ronan wasn't even thinking about what he was. He was mulling something else over by way of marking up his lower lip.

"What?"

"Did you....." Ronan closed his eyes. "... want to go to my house?"

"Your house?" Adam was incredibly surprised. He thought they were just going to get lunch. This felt bigger. "Like where you live?"

Ronan opened his eyes and looked irritated.

"That's generally what people mean by house, yeah," he said unsweetly.

"It's kind of far isn't it?" Adam figured if he responded normally and ignored his tone Ronan would get over whatever he was upset about. He remembered it being a little out of the way.

"Kind of, not really." Ronan reached and pulled at one of the drawstrings on Adam's hoodie visible under his jacket, making it longer than the other. He kept pulling until Adam stilled his hand. "I'll get you back in time for work. We don't have to do it if you don't want to. It was a dumb suggestion anyway. Let's just go-"

"Okay." Adam was going to say okay anyway, but he said it quick and cut Ronan off before he said something that put them both off.

"Okay to what?" Adam watched Ronan stare back at him, assessing him much as Adam was always assessing Ronan. "I just said a lot."

"I'd like to properly see where the infamous Ronan Lynch lives," said Adam. He fixed his drawstrings as he let Ronan come to terms with his answer. The boy was breathing harshly out his nose, lips pursed in thought. He was calculating something. Adam didn't know what.

"You make me sound like the grinch or something," he remarked.

"Well, you are a mean one, Mr Lynch," Adam said.

He never heard Ronan laugh so much in his life, it stirred something awake inside him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam tucked his bike into the bed of the truck and off they went. The entire drive to Ronan's was full of conversation, live and energetic chatter about cars. They talked at length about the ins and outs of them, even arguing a little when both thought the other wrong about something. Adam found Ronan was really smart about his truck, knowing it inside and out like Adam had to at work. He already knew Ronan was smart, because when he bothered to show up to class and put in effort, he showcased that brain he normally reserved for other things. Plus no one who had a higher score than Adam in something was by no means unintelligent. But it was nice to finally see it so openly displayed to him, Ronan's wisdom about something. He could probably talk forever about cars with him.

When they reached the long winding driveway into Ronan's property, Adam was nervous again, remembering who he was dating. He remembered the first time he drove down this road he expected a modern mansion of some sort like Tad's or the one he saw Gansey's family lived in in a magazine once. Even though the conversation shifted to Ronan eagerly talking about cows, it wasn't enough to distract him from the reality that Ronan's house was probably going to be terrifyingly huge and overbearing. He didn't remember much from that night. It was dark and he only made it to the front door. The house started to come into view as they turned down the road and past some trees, and Adam shifted in his seat to get a better view, and that's when he saw it. A barn and a farmhouse, no mansion in sight. He lived on a farm. Ronan lived on a farm. He remembered there being land, but in the daylight there was so much more of it to see.

More things shifted into place about him, in particular Ronan's incessant talk about cows.

They pulled over next to a BMW and an Audi, the old white truck clashing against them both. Ronan got out first with an eager swiftness he hadn't seen in him before. Adam could sense he was a little concerned, same as Adam was, but he couldn't fathom why.

The house was worn but inviting, like the houses in old television shows that always had cookies in the oven and a meal on the table and someone to tuck you in at night.

Ronan was still talking as Adam silently took in the wonder that was the property line. He didn't want to know how much of these fields they owned, and then as he looked further beyond the large barn down the way he noticed little shapes in the fields. Cows.

Ronan must have caught on to his staring, and he was holding his hand again as they wordlessly walked toward the barn.

"Do you want to meet the chickens?" he said. There was a smaller chicken coop next to the barn he hadn't realized was there until he mentioned it.

"You have chickens too?" Adam sounded as bewildered as he felt. How was it this soft boy, that scooped up a cat that rubbed against the barn door and moved her aside so he could open it, was the same boy who violently kicked his truck when it didn't work and snarled insults at people that looked at him too long? Although, upon closer inspection, he was starting to realize he didn't do either of those things in a couple weeks, not since their disastrous date at Tad's party. More things were falling into place.

"Is that yours?" Adam said, motioning to the cat. He was hesitant to touch it, even as it purred against his leg.

"Agatha?" Ronan looked down them back up. "No, she's the neighbor's," he said. As he mentioned neighbors Adam looked around for one, but didn't see any other houses in the distance he could make out. "She likes to come over here and eat the field mice, I think."

Adam was dizzy watching Ronan move around the inside of the barn, stretching upward to grab at an origami bird that hung down from the rafters above. There were a few of them, old and in need of replacement with new ones. One of the birds looked like it had been chewed on by something, holes in its paper blue wings. There was hay in a corner and a few cows in stalls, who mooed at them, poking their heads over the doors of their stalls when they realized they had company. Ronan was at home here, freely moving without a care in the world.

"Who made the birds?" Adam touched at one delicately.

When he looked again at Ronan he realized there were some cares in the world.

"My mom," he said, his voice suddenly quieter. It made sense now why they weren't replaced and time was allowed to wear at them. "I used to know how to make them, but I've forgotten."

Adam could see the ache in Ronan's face, as imagined memories of Ronan and his mother danced around in his head. To think Ronan spent his childhood here, grew up here. He must have been so loved and happy, until he wasn't anymore.

He dropped his hand from the paper bird and came over to Ronan, reaching for his hand. In it was a chunk of hay, which he offered to Adam to take.

"You want to feed her?" he said. He motioned to the cow inside the stall, who when Adam peaked over it, realized was a calf and not an adult cow.

"Oh my god," he said. It's so cute, he thought, but he wasn't going to say that out loud. Ronan must have known what he meant to say anyway, and he was smiling at him in a way Adam was left blushing. He took the hay from Ronan and then stared down at it.

"So, what, do I just like hand it to her?"

Ronan rolled his eyes. "You never feed a fucking cow before, Parrish? Yeah, you hold it out to her." His fingers came and pushed Adam's down flat. "But you don't want her grabbing your hand too by accident. She's smart but won't know the difference between food and supplier when she chomps down if you aren't careful."

Suddenly Adam didn't want to give her the food, as he didn't want to get bitten, but she was staring up at him with those sad big eyes cows had and Ronan was nudging him to do it.

"You'll be fine," he said. "It's not fucking rocket science."

Adam wanted to be annoyed with him, but it prompted him to stick his hand into the stall, palm flat. The cow moved and examined his hand, sniffing it a second, and then picked off the hay from his palm. Her lips and tongue scraped against his skin and it tickled. He made a face as his hand came back to him with cow spit on it.

"Gross," Ronan said, laughing. "I'm not holding your hand anymore while it's looking like that."

"Oh?" Adam turned it so his palm faced Ronan. "This isn't a turn on for you, Lynch?"

Ronan was pushing his hand away and laughing harder, shaking his head. "You're so fucking weird, Parrish."

"You're just as weird, Lynch."

There was a moment left open to kiss him. His eyes shimmered under the light coming in from the rafters, casting down on them like a divine presence if he believed in that sort of thing. It caught on Ronan's blue eyes, as he stilled, laughter fading away and replaced by a visible and physical want that they were both feeling.

Adam purposefully ruined the moment by wiping his hand on a wooden pillar next to him, discoloring the wood by the wet of his palm.Ronan was still shaking his head as he walked on, leaving Adam feeling very warm but very grossed out.

They went back outside, and Adam used a hose to clean himself off. He followed Ronan out into the fields, careful where he stepped. It was muddy and slippery and not to mention littered in shit when they hopped over the fence into the cow's marked off terrain. Adam was almost thankful for all the cow shit, as it kept him from thinking too hard about how attractive Ronan was when he was at such peace like he was here. They ventured over to a few of the cows, and Ronan reached for Adam's hand and guided it over the forehead of one. They were softer than he anticipated.

"This one's Fireball."

Adam paused. "Fireball?"

Ronan nodded and Adam tried his very best not to laugh. Ronan's forehead folded in, reacting as if he were insulted.

"It's a good name," he said, arguing with the air.

"I didn't say anything," he replied, petting Fireball at the space between their eyes. They inclined their head closer into his hand, asking for more.

"I named her when I was eleven, don't judge me."

Adam nodded, and said nothing else. Ronan got all huffy and puffy still, and then took Adam by the hand and led him away to meet the other cows.

He found through watching him, Ronan was incredibly soft with animals. He had a big heart, knowing all their names and favorite snacks. Each and every one of them let him pet them, almost expecting it, which was very telling as to how often he must have come out here. He could imagine this was his safe place after his parents died.

They went back toward the barn after a while, hand in hand. Ronan yanked Adam away from a pile of cow shit he almost stepped in on the way back.

They rounded the barn to the chicken coop and its pen, and he reached inside and picked one up to say hello to Adam.

"This one's--" It started flapping its wings at him unfriendly, and smacked Ronan in the face, prompting him to put it back down. Adam laughed, picking off a feather that stuck to his face. Ronan was bright red and shoved his hand away.

"Oh, come on," Adam reasoned. "That was funny."

They sat on the porch, not even going in yet, and talked about how long Ronan's family had lived here.

"My dad bought the farm before he met my mom," he said. "I think it's almost thirty years old." As he spoke, Adam looked up at the roof over the porch, as he leaned against the side of a pillar that held it up, legs facing Ronan's, their feet casually touching.

When Ronan expressed his interest in seriously farming, Adam looked over at him again. Ronan seemed to expect him to respond differently than simply nodding, and he blushed as he admitted so.

"You aren't laughing," he said.

"Why would I laugh?" He was confused by it. "It's a serious business, farming. I think it's pretty cool."

Before he registered Ronan moving, he was on him quick, pushing Adam to face ahead so they could sit beside one another on the porch step.

"I do, too," said Ronan. "And it can be lucrative in today's economical climate, if I play my cards right. I was thinking when I graduate of getting pigs. I haven't decided yet, though. Declan still doesn't think I should give up college."

Adam held Ronan's hand delicately on his lap. The back of his knuckles were grazing Adam's thigh.

"If you don't want to go to college you shouldn't have to," he said. "You seem a lot happier here than at school."

"No fucking shit, Sherlock," Ronan said, voice catching on words as he recognized how much Adam really saw him. "School sucks. Not everyone's as hard for it as you."

Adam rolled his eyes and dropped Ronan's hand. He knew he was kidding, but there was an edge to his voice he didn't like. Ronan could so easily get under his skin sometimes.

"You know, we were having a nice moment there, but then you ruined it," he muttered.

Ronan ducked his head almost embarrassed, and he pulled his leg and hand in so nothing was touching Adam anymore. Slow, he peeled off the step and tipped his head toward the front door.

"You hungry yet?" he said.

"Starving," Adam admitted. But he was starved for something else.

Inside the house was as cozy and welcoming as he expected, very much a home and not just a house. It was clear three teenage boys lived here, though, with shoes abandoned in a cluster by the door and a pile of coats on the table and not on their hooks. He remembered that part, and the view of the stairs, but he hadn't let his eyes wander the last time. Now he took everything in, piecing more things together as he did.

They kicked off their shoes at the door, and then Ronan took Adam's hand, as if walking him through a mystical new terrain together. Adam felt like that's what this place was, and he allowed for Ronan to walk him through the front hall and to the kitchen through the dining room. There were dirty dishes in the sink and old cereal left on the counter. Ronan started cleaning up when Adam took it all in. It was bigger than any kitchen he ever had but smaller than Tad's, but it was nicer that way, actually showcasing it's been used and not just for staging.

They were alone in the house, he realized, and suddenly he was hypersensitive to everything Ronan did, perfectly aware that Ronan's bedroom was somewhere in walking distance and no one else was around.

Not appropriate, he thought.

He washed his hands after Ronan did, and Ronan started going on about the foods he had to offer, naming things he found in the kitchen. "We have soup, sandwiches, mac and cheese-"

"Mac and cheese," Adam interjected. He hadn't eaten it in so long, he missed it.

"Alright. Sit your ass your ass down and let the master get to work."

"Can't I help?" Adam asked. He moved for the cupboards, but quickly realized he didn't know where he put the boxes.

"Nah," and Ronan motioned for him to sit, even guiding him a little at the shoulders. "I think I can manage boiling water by myself."

Adam glanced back at him. "You sure about that?"

Ronan grunted something he didn't catch, and then sat him down in a seat at the dining table. It gave him a good vantage point to watch Ronan work, gliding around the kitchen for each ingredient as needed. Adam allowed himself to stare and observe.

They ate their mac and cheese in the living room, which was big with a long L-shaped sofa and a tv mounted on the wall. They sat close together as they ate from their bowls, watching some cooking show Ronan claimed Declan recorded and not him.

When they were finished, before Adam could offer to wash the dishes as a thank you, Ronan took his hand and started pulling him up from the sofa.

"I'll give you a tour," he said, somewhat reluctantly it sounded, even though he was the one who suggested it. Adam didn't know what to say, and so he said alright, and allowed himself to be guided around Ronan's elaborate house.

He showed him every room downstairs, from what was once his father's study that Declan now used, to the laundry room where Adam pretended he didn't just see what he suspected were Ronan's underwear in a hamper of his clothes.

When they went upstairs, Adam could feel himself drawing closer to Ronan, putting his head on Ronan's shoulder as they moved down the hall. He could feel Ronan's breath catch as they moved closer into each other. Adam's every little hesitancy was being whittled down into trusting in this and putting his fears aside. Giving in to the feeling and not letting himself analyze it to death.

There were photographs that lined the walls, of a time when his family was full and happy. He wondered what that was like, as he was led straight into Ronan's room.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"This is where the tour ends," said Ronan. "Thank you for coming. That'll be twenty dollars."

Adam snorted, breaking from Ronan and being released onto the sight of his messy room. Ronan didn't bring people in here. Noah and Gansey, but that was it beyond family. He never really had a _boy_ in his room before, not one he liked like this. This was his most private space.

Chainsaw was very upset they weren't alone and she made it known by pecking at her cage. He went to let her out, and found Adam right beside him, staring peculiarly at her.

Chainsaw moved and gripped his shoulder, her talons digging a little into his skin.

"Who's this?" Adam stared at Chainsaw. Chainsaw stared back.

"My raven," Ronan answered. He spoke of her as if it was a regular thing to own a pet raven. "Found her when she was a baby."

"She's so pretty. Can I...?"

Normally Chainsaw wasn't a fan of people, nice only to him and to Matthew. Adam reached before Ronan could tell him that, and he cautiously ran a finger along the length of her beak. Strangely, she didn't peck at him, and allowed him to pet her.

It was almost embarrassing how sweet she was, as she moved off Ronan's shoulder and onto the bookshelf by Adam's shoulder, moving then onto his shoulder before either one of them could react.

"Ow." Adam flinched, but didn't shoo her away.

"She.... likes you."

Chainsaw squawked as Adam started running the back of his finger along her chest.

"I'm likable," Adam quipped. The sight of him and Chainsaw bonding did unknowable things to Ronan. "What's her name?"

"Chainsaw." And with him distracted, Ronan went and started shoving dirty clothes under things, like his desk and his bed, checking that his bathroom was safe in case Adam needed to use it.

"You come up with the weirdest names for animals, Lynch," he heard Adam say in the other room, followed by another painful sound.

"Fuck you," he called back.

He returned to his bedroom to find Chainsaw at the foot of his bed and Adam sitting next to her. She started pecking at Adam curiously because he stopped touching her, and he moved to run a delicate finger over her back.

Ignoring the fact Adam was sitting on his bed, _his bed_ , Ronan picked Chainsaw up from beside him and moved her to her cage. She ruffled her feathers in a tantrum as he shut the door on her again, and tried to peck at him through the bars. He recoiled his finger before she could.

"You don't have to put her away like that," Adam said. "I like her out."

He motioned to the holes she already made in some of Ronan's things. Adam understood but not really, since Ronan really just wanted Adam to himself. Chainsaw was going to take up all his attention if he let her, and while he loved her, he wanted Adam's hands on him and not his bird.

Adam moved and as casual as laying in grass lay back on Ronan's bed, head hitting the pillow with ease. Ronan almost grunted, watching him sprawl out like this were home. He did not mind in the least, but he was very aware he needed to clean his sheets and also his room. While Adam didn't seem bothered by it, the thought of how he took Adam in here so blithely when it needed serious cleaning made his face get red and hot.

His attention was averted from Ronan's silent and mild breakdown, staring up at the ceiling where Ronan had old glow in the dark star stickers still on there. His brow twisted as he looked, and then his eyes drifted down to Ronan. His shirt was riding up his stomach and his hair was a mess on Ronan's pillow, but he looked exactly like Ronan dreamed. Actually, he looked even better, because this was real. He had sleepy eyes as he smiled lazily.

"I never thought I would ever be in Ronan Lynch's bedroom," he said. His voice was smooth like a cold drink on a hot day.

"When you say my full name like that I feel like I'm in trouble or something," he mumbled.

"Well, I feel like I am." Adam sat up, propping himself up by his elbows. "Why you standing all the way over there? I smell or something?"

"I didn't know how to tell you...." Ronan tried to hide his blushing face.

Adam gave an unimpressed look, and then crooked a finger while also patting the bed beside him at the same time. Ronan didn't need to be asked twice, and he plopped himself down on the bed, only to realize he was now sharing a bed with Adam. With a boy.

They lay on their sides, facing each other while sharing the same pillow. They were breathing into each other's face, and he hoped his breath didn't stink, being so close and finding it impossible to look away. Adam had more freckles faintly hidden between his darker ones on his face, spread out across his nose and cheeks and then constellations of them running along the length of his jaw and chin and forehead. He had one large trio by the tip of his ear, and Ronan wanted to kiss it, but wouldn't.

One of Adam's hands moved from the bed between them and ran up from Ronan's stomach to his neck and to his cheek. Ronan was frantically trying to think of something clever to say, but his mouth was dry and the words with it.

"How long have you liked me?" Adam asked.

Ronan was dizzy. He didn't want to answer that. Instead he pushed a longer lock of hair out of Adam's face. When Adam showed no sign of protest, Ronan ran the same hand down the bridge of his nose, over his lips, a couple fingertips falling into the space between his open lips, catching on his bottom one. Adam closed his mouth and swallowed when his hand fell away.

The silence was more telling than any words could be, and he saw Adam's ears go red.

"Were you ever afraid of me?" He didn't know why it came out, but it was a question he had in the back of his mind since the first time he talked to Adam last year. Adam rolled his eyes at him, and there was something about him showing his annoyance with him in his bed that made it all the more thrilling that a smile was also gnawing at his lips.

"You're not scary," he said. "I'm afraid of ghosts and zombies, not hooligans."

Ronan almost went in to kiss him. His mind was fogged with feelings, obsessed with the touch of Adam's fingers at his jawline. He could die right here and be happy about it.

"Have you ever been in a relationship before?" Adam asked.

Ronan didn't know how this suddenly became twenty questions, but he felt compelled to answer under the fake stars and sharing a bed with Adam very close. Their noses were touching, as Adam's eyes stared back into his.

"No," he admitted, and he could tell his skin was reacting to the embarrassment of it. "You?"

"One." Adam's thumb ran back and forth along his jaw, and kept him from reacting to the information. "It wasn't for very long. We were fourteen."

Ronan really didn't want to think about Adam's past relationship, and he shut his eyes to focus on Adam's breathing, letting himself disappear into the sensation of it hitting his face each time he exhaled. But something was still eating at him, even after weeks since that party, even after Monday afternoon when Adam told him not to care about him.

"Did you ever like Tad?"

Adam's hand left his face, and Ronan opened his eyes to see Adam laughing. There was no sound, as he rolled onto his back and clutched his stomach. There were soft wheezes as he was in hysterics from what Ronan asked of him. He didn't answer, but his laugh was enough to sate the last of Ronan's paranoia.

Chainsaw reacted at his laugh, squawking and trying to flutter her wings in annoyance at being left out. Ronan waved her off and kept watching Adam as he laughed. It took a while for it to die down, and he was still holding his stomach with both hands as a few last chuckles escaped him. He shined under the light breaking in through his hand closed curtains, and he looked so soft. The way he turned his head, how his uneven hair flopped around on the pillow, his sleepy smile that appeared slowly like a moon on an overcast night.

Still lying on his back, he raised his closer hand to Ronan, several of his fingertips stroking his cheek. His eyes fell to Ronan's lips, his own inviting as he licked them.

"Did you ever like Henry?" Adam asked.

"No." Ronan tilted his head toward Adam's fingers, like how Chainsaw did when she wanted to be touched more. "Nothing like....." He cut himself off. _Nothing like how I feel for you_ he almost said.

He cast a glance out the window as the sky was starting to get more overcast, the sun swallowed up by the clouds. There was a gray film over the day. He turned to Adam again and reciprocated touches by way of taking his thumb and running it along the spread of Adam's lower lip. His caresses were thoughtful and planned, only going as far as he believed Adam would allow.

Adam seemed to be allowing this, inclining forward into Ronan'a hand. His eyes begged for more, and Ronan let his hand wander around Adam's face. He closed his eyes as Ronan fingered at his cheekbones, the curves under his eyes, the wave of his brow. He took a deep breath when Ronan's fingers swooped along the edge of Adam's ear, stickered with freckles like the rest of his face. He was letting the feeling take over, that much was clear, as he clung to Ronan's shoulder now instead of his face, fingers twisting in his shirt, legs squirming down by Ronan's. Ronan could feel goosebumps on Adam's skin, and they were matched by his own from only the simplicity of touching him. 

"Why did you ask me out?" Ronan felt like a broken record, but even still, even after everything, he didn't understand.

Adam closed his mouth and seemed to be holding his breath. His entire body went rigid against the sheets.

"Adam?"

Adam opened his eyes, but wouldn't meet his.

"I don't have an answer for you," he confessed, "but I'm glad I did. I'm glad I persisted, because now I know you have the worst taste in naming animals."

Ronan groaned and looked away, trying hard not to blush right now. Adam could smoothly go from charming to insulting in a blink that he would still be reacting to the charm before he realized he got casually ripped apart.

Finally their eyes met again, and Adam's fingers started twisting around in the fabric of Ronan's sweatshirt.

"Why are you better at me in Latin?"

Ronan grinned sharply. "That's going to bug you forever isn't it?"

"Yes," Adam begrudgingly admitted. He didn't like admitting it, which Ronan supposed he could understand. While school mattered little to him, he knew it meant a lot to Adam. Teasing him was fun, though.

"Why do you live at St. Agnes?" Ronan saw little things shift in Adam's face, and he twisted harder at Ronan's shoulder. His brow knotted a little at the center, his lips pursed then tilted down, and his nose scrunched just enough, Ronan knew he didn't like this question enough to answer. It was a mistake.  "Is it true you're secretly training to be a priest?"

Adam rolled his eyes, his hand loosening at Ronan's shirt. "God, how do you come up with half of what you say?"

Ronan shrugged. "It just comes naturally to me," he replied, threateningly close enough to kiss.

"Being an idiot?" Adam wondered aloud.

"Precisely," Ronan agreed, watching another tender and shy smile forming for him on Adam's kissable lips.

It lasted only a few seconds, before a sadness appeared within his eyes, sparked by something internal. The hand at his shirt transferred back to Ronan's face, coolly running lines along it. His hand fell simultaneously with his eyes.

"Why can't I get you out of my head?" Adam whispered.

Something big and hard appeared at the center of Ronan's chest, pinching nerves and causing ache. A good ache.

"Do you want to?" Ronan didn't know why he was whispering too. There was no one else in the house.

Adam shook his head a firm no. The ache intensified.

"Why do you like my freckles so much?" Adam then asked. He posed the question like an accusation, but Ronan wasn't going to take the bait. He was upset about something, but Ronan wasn't upset at all. For the first time in a long time, he was completely and wholly happy. He stretched a hand to Adam's face again and ran his forefinger down the bridge of his nose

"Who wouldn't?" he said.

"I've..." Adam closed his eyes again and breathed. "... always been self conscious about them," he said reluctantly.

"They're beautiful," Ronan countered, and he leaned in.

His lips softly met at his nose, kissing where a cluster of freckles sat. Adam's breath hitched, and Ronan continued down his face. He kissed at his jawline, and again Adam's breath caught in his throat, as it did again when Ronan moved to kiss the space below his ear. Everywhere there were clusters of freckles, Ronan kissed, to his forehead and back. He was being brave and bold, like his mother always said he should.

As Ronan moved to kiss lower than his face, where a spread of freckles rested just below his chin, Adam released a soft breathing sound, not quite a sigh but just as content. He could tell Adam needed time and patience to relax for this, body having started out rigid and slowly unwinding with each breath and each kiss. So Ronan went just as slow. His lips moved again only when Adam's hands came around at his shoulders to sit at his back.

His lips grazed Adam's throat when he heard someone come home. The door slammed, and Matthew yelled for him. He groaned, pulling back from Adam immediately. This was a mood killer if there ever was one.

He turned to yell for Matthew, but before he could get a syllable out Adam's fingers cradled his chin and twisted him back round straight into a kiss.

Instantly, Ronan went limp, his entire body reacting to the release of every desire he had for weeks, for months, for a year even.

Adam opened his mouth with his tongue, and Ronan allowed him to, feeling his tongue enter and meet his. He flicked his against Ronan's in a way that led to some very obscene thoughts, and out of reflex he let out the most embarrassing moaning sound of his life. Adam didn't laugh or react to it, but Ronan was red hot and cringing from the noise, even as Adam pushed him down to lay flat against the bed. He complied. He would always comply, he thought, to everything Adam would ask of him.

Jesus Christ this was really happening.

Against him, Adam positioned himself to be a little higher, arching his back into him for the angle. All Ronan could think about was how he was extremely close, their stomachs were touching, he could probably feel his annoyingly fast heart beat, and dear god he knew how to kiss. This was like riding in a race car, but he didn't have the directions, nor was he even the one driving. Adam was the driver, as his jaw opened wider and pushed Ronan's to do the same. The kiss went deeper, and Ronan made that humiliating sound again.

He was so careful up until now, holding in any whimper he thought to make, any instinctive sound that wanted to burst out from a touch gifted by Adam Parrish. No, but now his body was betraying him, because his brain was no longer connected. It went offline about the moment Adam's teeth pulled on his lower lip. He was a goner. DOA.

Adam's hands started to move around his body, feeling him for something. He let them do whatever they wanted and prayed to god he didn't do anything else embarrassing. His hands came to rest at Ronan's hips, one's knuckles gracing his skin there with a feather light touch. The other hand then moved to hold at his cheek, angling him for an even deeper, moan inducing kiss.

His own hands clung awkwardly at the air, not knowing what else to do with them. Adam was a thousand miles a minute, a mess of limbs and lips and energy. He kissed him with an intensity Ronan only saw in him when he was studying. Ronan's heartbeat was just as messily fast, as the boy of his dreams practically jammed his tongue down his throat. In his bedroom. On his bed.

He was weak to this, to Adam, as he pressed him harder into the mattress, taking him apart with every motion. His hips rocked a little against Ronan's leg, whose head filled with white fuzz as soon as it happened.

He wanted Adam so badly, it was almost unreal that he had him right now, and he was trying to reciprocate but it was hard when body and brain were on two different channels. Ronan was breathing hard against him as he could only kiss back, moaning again into his open mouth. His nose pressed into Adam's cheek as he tilted his chin up to kiss him harder back.

In her cage, Chainsaw made the weirdest sound he ever heard her make, like someone laughing. She was definitely angry at him, and he knew he would have to make it up to her later once Adam left. Hearing her, Adam broke from him quick like a rocket taking off. Only his lips left him, the rest still perfectly in place. Ronan didn't realize how dizzy and winded he was until there was air again instead of Adam's fevered lips. Above him, Adam was looking off to the side and not toward Chainsaw's cage, and he realized she wasn't what made the noise.

It was Matthew, who he didn't even hear come in. It was a little surprised laugh that he exclaimed, and he let out another giggle scream when their eyes met. He used the last of his energy to turn his head, finding Matthew in the doorway. His whole being hummed from Adam still pressed tight against him, hazy thoughts rolling around his head.

"Hey, Adam," Matthew said, suspiciously cool.

Adam cleared his throat and begun wiping at his mouth. Ronan's eyes flickered to watch him, seeing him completely undone. He did that. He felt selfishly proud.

"Hey.... Matthew." Adam blushed and pressed his nose to Ronan's chest to hide his face.

"You staying for dinner?" Matthew made Ronan want to throw a pillow at him to leave, but he couldn't move.

Adam removed his face from Ronan and looked down at him. He swept his thumb over Ronan's lips in a familiar and tender way, gazing down at him with such longing. Ronan was wide awake.

"Unfortunately, I have work," he said, still looking down at Ronan.

"Oh, bummer."

"Matthew!!" Declan shouted from downstairs. "Is Ronan up there?"

Ronan was suddenly made aware both brothers were home, and he wasn't sure what Declan would do if he found Adam like this in his room. While he tried to father Matthew, he never really needed to set any boundaries for Ronan in this department. It wasn't expected he needed to.

"I don't see him, nope!" Matthew said. Ronan looked over to see him smugly staring back.

"Where the fuck is he?" Declan shouted, more to himself than to his brother.

"I got you guy about an extra cool fifteen," Matthew whispered. He made eyes at Ronan as he shut the door. Ronan was going to kill him after Adam left.

Once they were alone again, Ronan allowed for the opportunity to spoil himself with looking at Adam, with Adam looking back at him. His lips were pink and his eyes were dark with hunger. To think Ronan was responsible for this look, he could die.

He cleared his throat, starting to feel the reconnection of brain and body, and he was made aware of just what exactly they did for the last twenty minutes. "So, uh...."

Adam shut him up again with a kiss. This one was slower, languid and long. Unrushed. His hands finally dropped where they may, one touching at his shoulder and the other curling into Adam's shirt at his back. As they kept kissing, their legs grew entangled, like vines spreading around the other.

Adam made a soft sighing sound, breathing hard against his cheek through his nose. He followed it up with a tiny moan, and Ronan responded with a sound of his own. They kept kissing, as Adam arched into him again. It was unspoken that they were both wrecked from their last kiss, and so even when Adam showed signs he wanted more, he kept himself held back. Ronan wordlessly thanked him with his hand at his back, trailing it up and down his spine. Adam shivered into him, moaning again.

Chainsaw squawked in the corner, and this time Ronan was certain it was her. Adam parted to laugh a little against his chest.

Ronan frowned, unnerved.

"What's so funny?" Henry didn't laugh when they were making out.

"I just," he motioned to behind them, "Chainsaw just now sounded exactly like Matthew."

"Oh."

"Did you-?" It was realized why Ronan was upset, and he flagged himself as too expressive and resorted to pressing his lips into a thin line, even as Adam fingered them. "Oh, I wouldn't laugh at you out loud. I do that on the inside."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "Hilarious."

"Come here." And Adam was pulling him into yet another kiss. He didn't accept it, offering him his cheek instead of his mouth.

"You can't insult me and then expect me to just kiss you," he hissed. "You aren't that good of a kisser."

"Sure I am," Adam said, grinning devilishly and bending forward. He flicked his tongue over the spread of Ronan's lips, and Ronan caved all too easily. His hot head was cooled instantly by the soft feeling he got when they kissed.

There they were again, lost in the language of lips. He was dizzy by the end of it, as Adam's tongue traced the inside of his upper lip. His teeth then snagged it, and they were deep into making out. Adam ran his thumb along the length of Ronan's jaw, as his other hand moved from his hip to the small of his back. Ronan's hands still didn't know what to do. Every inch of Adam felt like lava and he didn't know where he could touch. While Adam's fingers slipped inside and under his shirt just a little, his hands were warm against his back, and Ronan moaned again.

Chainsaw had to go and embarrass him as she squawked again.

Ronan pulled back and wagged a finger at her, and as he did he felt little hot trails of kisses on his cheek leading up to his ear. He quivered in anticipation and shut his eyes, head falling back into the pillow.

"Adam," he said, voice rough around the edges.

Adam stopped what he was doing and allowed Ronan to clear his head and open his eyes. His were so blue above him. As his brain became more functional, he fingered Adam's plump lips, wondering if he knew the power they had. He was wrecked, destroyed. He was going to have a long shower tonight. If he hadn't stopped their kiss, he wasn't sure what would've happened. He knew where his hands were eventually going to lead, and the way he shifted his front into Ronan's he was surprised he didn't _react_ more. All of this happening in his bed didn't help in the least. Not to mention how sore and exhausted he already was after a tennis match. He was going to sleep well tonight.

Ronan started to let his fingers brush through Adam's hair at the side of his head, just above his ear. Adam hummed, eyes closing, a smile playing at his lips. He rested his head on Ronan's shoulder, their breath hitting each other in the face.

This was really happening, wasn't it?

Adam hummed again, softer and longer this time. His eyes were still closed as Ronan bent down and gently kissed him closed mouthed. Adam was quick to pucker his lips to kiss back.

"I can feel your eyes on me, Lynch," he muttered. But he was smiling. "Take a picture, it'll last longer."

Ronan felt something leap in his stomach. "Okay," he said, and he removed his hand from Adam's hair to find his phone in his pockets. Adam's eyes snapped open and he was staring up at Ronan when he looked again, redder in the face than before. The way a blush bled into his freckles only made Ronan more obsessed with them. He was staring at him with caution in his eyes, a barrier suddenly built between them. He spotted the phone in Ronan's hand and blushed harder, but didn't say anything

"Is it okay-?"

"Yeah." His voice crackled. He cleared his throat and repeated the word. It came out barely better.

Ronan then started fiddling with his phone. It took him a while to find the camera button, which would've been embarrassing if he cared, because he only had like seven apps on here. He was nervous.

Once he found the app he opened it, and the camera was staring up at him. Confused, he accidentally took a photo before figuring out the button to switch the cameras. Adam was laughing by the time he figured it all out, and he felt satisfaction when he managed to take a photo of him at his most handsome. When he was happy. Truly wholly happy.

Adam blushed again and Ronan took another picture. 

"Okay, paparazzi," Adam said, barely a boss. He was trying to sound scornful, but he only came out a little shy. "Cut it out." He put his hand to the phone, and Ronan set it down. He looked so snug in his hoodie as he pulled the sleeves up over his knuckles, and the hood over his head. Ronan helped by dragging the hood up and over his eyes. He smiled up at him, suddenly reserved and hiding.

"You're... really hot, you know that?"

Adam laughed as if it were a joke. So Ronan kissed him so he knew it wasn't, feeling him still laugh against his lips for a few seconds, until there was nothing funny left and Adam was moaning softly into him, a hand coming to cup the back of his skull. Ronan's own came and cautiously rested feather soft on Adam's stomach, until Adam pushed up into it saying it was okay. With his consent, Ronan's fingers spread out, palm flat on his stomach. He kept above the shirt, afraid what would happen if he let himself touch him bare skin to skin like that. His mind was already redding out from this. Adam's stomach was flat and warm and hard and he knew he did weights but he didn't know just how well they were working out for him. Fucking fuck this was new and weird, but good and wonderful.

Chainsaw chirped again, and Ronan groaned, but the chirp echoed and echoed, coming from the bed and not across the room. He quickly came to realize it was Adam's phone. Adam jerked and started searching for it on his body, like if he didn't find it fast it would explode.

When he found it, he paused, concern building in his eyebrows. He looked disappointed, still breathing hard from all their kissing. He turned what Ronan realized now was an alarm off, and then cursed under his breath.

"Can you drive me home?" He sounded reluctant about it. Ronan got a chill when he realized Adam didn't want to go. He didn't showcase his joy at this. He was bummed about it, too.

"Sure," he said. "Did you want anything before we left?"

"Yes, I'll take one of the calves," Adam said sincerely.

Ronan laughed, falling into another kiss that almost ate their time up, but he was good and pulled back again before they completely gave in and let go.

"I hope you permitted time to say hi to my brothers," he said, nodding to his phone. "They won't fucking leave you alone once Declan realizes you're here."

"I didn't really talk to him last time. Is he as annoying as you are?" Adam pulled his hoodie down, his hair a delightful mess.

"Worse," Ronan muttered, not focusing on the conversation anymore.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Before they went downstairs, Adam asked to use his bathroom, which was attached to his room off to the side.

Once he was in, he was quick to lock the door to avoid any mishaps of Ronan walking in on him. The second he was fully alone he released all his emotions out at the sink, hands gripping the basin for support, and shakily at that.

He shuddered and sighed and took a look at himself in the mirror.

_That was stupid. That was great but that was stupid. Oh my god that was great. What were you thinking? You realize you've done it now, haven't you? You sealed it. There's no going back from this. You're a goner. Shouldn't have gone upstairs. Shouldn't have sat on his bed. Shouldn't have talked to him about all this._

"Oh god." He said that one aloud.

"You okay in there, Parrish?" he heard through the door. Ronan startled him with the concern. "Not relieving yourself are you?"

Leave it to him to make jokes about that after they did that. He snorted. Then he cursed again. Mother effing christ this was bad.

With Ronan he could let himself just be, all his fears and concerns distant fogged memories at the back of his head. He was finding he was quiet inside with him, and perhaps that was the scariest revelation of them all.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing," Adam shouted back. "Which towel can I use?"

Ronan barked out a laugh on the other side of the door. Adam warmed when he heard it, then cursed a third time under his breath.

_No no no. Adam, fuck._ He turned the sink on and bent down into it. Cooling himself down, he ran the water over his face and his neck. Coming up for air, he stared at his reflection again in the mirror. He was so fucked.

Not long after, he got out of the bathroom and Ronan looked behind him as if actually having believed he just masturbated in his bathroom. His brow peaked with curiosity, and then he touched gently at Adam's wrist, as if their hands were too dangerous to touch for fear they would be back on his bed.

"Got everything?"

"All but my shoes downstairs," said Adam.

They headed down, and about halfway Ronan peaked his head out through the railing, clearly hoping to sneak out instead of say hello to his brothers. Adam rolled his eyes. They weren't very sneaky. The stairs squeaked and they had been talking when they first started their descent.

They were halfway to the door when Adam spotted Declan sitting in the living room, staring up at them over a book he was reading.

"Hello again," he said, a chilling calm that made Adam feel as if _he_ were in trouble somehow.

Ronan froze and Adam awkwardly leaned into him for support.

"Declan," he groaned.

"You're Adam right?" Declan rose from the sofa to greet them.

"Yes that's right, sir." It was out of reflex he was so polite. Declan was only, what, a year older than them? He wasn't a sir.

"Nice to see you again," and Declan seemed sincere about that at least. "You two are....?"

"Just leaving." Ronan pulled at Adam's hand.

"But I--" Declan moved forward.

"Bye, Declan."

Before he could do anything about it, Ronan dragged Adam out of the house before Adam could at least say goodbye. He waved awkwardly as he picked his shoes up as they were walking out onto the porch. Ronan toed his shoes on part way and then started walking to the car.

"Sir," he called back, mockingly. Adam caught up to hit him on the arm.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam was dropped off with enough time to spare to change and then bike over to work. But when Ronan parked the car to let him out and get his bike out the back, Adam wasn't sure how to leave and so he just sat there. Ronan turned the car off a bit ago, and so they were sitting in complete silence as all the warm air trickled out. Not even the roar of the engine was alive to fix this awkwardness.

"Your legs broken?"

No, Adam thought, but he felt his brain was. "Fuck you very much, Lynch," he said, and Ronan eyed him as if it were an invitation. Adam was seething with an insatiable hunger inside that was only sated when his lips were on Ronan's.

"So I'll see you then," Ronan said, breaking the silence a second time. They stared at one another across the truck, Adam as far away from him as he could possibly be. Now that he knew he could, he wanted to touch him at any chance, but he composed himself.

"Yeah," was all he said.

"Do you work tomorrow?"

"I do," Adam said, unfortunately.

"Oh." He could see the dragged out displeasure in Ronan's eyes. "What time?"

"All day. Both jobs tomorrow." Adam's hands came to rub across his face. He needed to be awake, but what he really wanted was to sleepily dream of Ronan.

"Oh." Again, Ronan sounded thwarted, and he looked away. Adam ached, wondering if he thought he was brushing him off.

"Text me," he said.

Ronan's eyes flickered to him, hope spreading out across his sharp face.

"Sure."

Adam allowed himself the pleasure of a kiss one more time, and he pounced on him to get it, sliding across the leather of the seat to take Ronan's cheeks with both hands. Ronan went soft in his grasp, same as before, like he was a ball of built up steam that let out when Adam kissed him. One of Ronan's hands slipped off the wheel to grip Adam's hair, as Adam sat there on his knees, head hitting the roof, kissing him a long while. They must have been a sight, kissing in the most uncomfortable way possible in a car.

He was late to work. But with the taste of Ronan on his lips and the deftness of his tongue, he almost didn't care. Boyd was having him work after hours today. He'd make it up at the end of his shift.

He pulled from him when he felt it was time, and when he pulled away, he left shivers in his wake. Ronan was trembling, eyes still closed, lips still spread for a kiss. Unconsciously he chased Adam's lips by leaning forward, but registered their absence and finally opened his eyes in disappointment. Adam slid back down to the other side of the bench seat, accepting the distance as a safe thing.

"Text me," he repeated. He was grinning.

"You're going to be late for work." Ronan was grinning too. Blushing, almost.

Adam got out of the car and got his bike out the back, and he waited to wave as Ronan drove off.

He was so fucked.

As he ran up the stairs to change, he got a text and he opened it immediately thinking it was Ronan.

 

**blue** : _omg you made out with him in his bed!!!!_

**adam** : _what. how. how did you hear about this already it literally just happened_

**blue** : _this little circle jerk we got ourselves into told me. matthew told gansey and gansey of course told me._

**adam** : _of course_

**blue** : _so you guys are????_

**adam** : _I don't know_

**blue** : _what do you mean you don't know_

**adam** : _I mean, I don't know_

**blue** : _adam you like him right_

**adam** : _yeah_

**blue** : _then you know_

 

Adam breathed. He knew. He was both parts elated and terrified, but the elation was just enough higher he finally allowed himself to fully feel the thrill of his afternoon. He was dating Ronan Lynch. He was crazy about Ronan Lynch.

_Shit shit shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this is where it goes off book from the movie for a little bit. bare with me. the paint ball scene is still coming i swear xx
> 
> let me know what you think :) comments are always welcome <3
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)


	6. Birthdays and Paint Ball Fights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt Adam's hand at his chest, his fingers knotting into his Aglionby sweater, and then he was being pushed away.
> 
> "Okay, I said you could come if you were quiet, and this isn't quiet," he said, annoyance at the edge of his words. "Read a book."
> 
> "Books are-" Adam blinked slowly at him and showcased just how little he cared. He still looked visibly wrecked by the kissing, face a little pink, but Ronan could see he wasn't going to allow him even for a second to start that up again.
> 
> Ronan went quiet. He was bored, but he didn't want to leave and go hang out with his friends, although he knew he probably should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter brought to you by lorde's new album. i am obsessed.
> 
> also as you may have noticed i am SHIT at proofreading my own writing i like just finish writing and then go straight to posting ha oops. ok enjoy xx

Saturday night, after dropping Adam off, Ronan made a stop at Cabeswater Park to clear his head. He lay in the grass bundled up in his jacket and hoodie, and he wondered how it was that he ended up in this whirlwind involvement with Adam. He couldn't complain, but if he were told a month ago this would be his life right now he wouldn't have believed it. He still couldn't believe it. When he was with Adam he felt light, and so much of his anger was released. He made him remember what it felt like before, and he made him believe he could be like that always again. Some form of it anyway. He stared longingly at the photos of Adam now saved into his phone, and wondered how he got so lucky.

Adam texted him while he lay there feeling the air get colder and the sun set down behind the trees. His muscles ached, but he didn't notice.

 

**adam** : _i can't focus_

**ronan** : _see? you've studied too much you've broken your brain_

**adam** : _no, you broke my brain. I'm suing you_

**ronan** : _i did no such thing, nerd. i'm not paying any damages you can't prove it was me._

**adam** : _I never thought I would say this, but I wish I didn't have to work tonight_

**ronan** : _whys that_

**adam** : _you know why, asshole_

**ronan** : _because you'd rather be watching the great british bake off? I tell you. those shows can be addicting_

**adam** : _you’re the absolute worst_

**ronan** : _mary berry and paul hollywood would be so disappointed in you if they heard that_

**adam** : _who_

**ronan** : _oh my god did you even pay attention at all earlier? they're the fucking judges. jesus christ I can't believe I made out with you_

**adam** : _me either aren't you lucky :)_

**ronan** : _how do you send the rolling eye emoji_

**adam** : _rollingeyes.gif_

**ronan** : _how did you do that_

**adam** : _are you serious_

**ronan** : _whatever. shouldn't you be working right now_

**adam** : _like I said, you broke my brain_

 

Ronan had to pause the conversation because he was freezing to the point his teeth were chattering and his body could barely peel off the grass. He walked fast into his truck and turned the heat on, waiting until it got warm enough feeling returned to his fingers. Adam had texted him again since he last checked his phone. When he continued the conversation without Ronan, he felt a weird flutter in his chest. Adam made him feel so many things at every turn. Everything he did caused a reaction.

 

**adam** : _what did your brothers say about me when you got home?_

**ronan** : _why? want me to put in a good word? they're a downgrade from me_

**adam** : _you didn't answer my question_

**ronan** : _that's because I'm not home yet_

**adam** : _did a cow get on the road or something? what's taking you so long? wait wtf ronan are you texting while driving?_

**ronan** : _none of your business and no I am not, thank you very fucking much_

**adam** : _I think that's the most polite you've ever been since I've known you_

**ronan** : _stop texting me and get some fucking work done, SIR_

**adam** : _no more making out with you ever again goodbye_

**ronan** : _goodbye_

 

Ronan set his phone down to start driving and caught himself expressing the dumbest and goofiest smile he'd ever seen on his face. He tried to make it go away, and then felt his phone vibrate with another text.

 

**adam** : _i mean it_

**ronan** : _ok_

**adam** : _i swear_

**ronan** : _i believe you_

**adam** : i _hate you_

**ronan** : _:)_

**ronan** : _I'll text you when I'm home_

**adam** : _did I say I cared?_

 

But not two minutes later he got another text from Adam that simply said “ _you_ better”.

Ronan drove far too fast for his truck to handle in order to get home as soon as he could. He managed to get home in half the time he normally did, and as soon as he got out of the truck he walked fast to get up to his room.

The moment he was back in the house, both Matthew and Declan were sitting in the living room as if they had been sitting in wait for his return. They both rose when he came through, and he begrudgingly slowed his step.

He watched his brothers vastly different reactions appear on their faces, Matthew curious and grinning, while Declan concerned and stoic. Matthew started speaking first.

"So Adam huh???" He moved and slapped Ronan at the shoulder. "Good job there, bro. How did you manage to get the smartest kid in school?"

Ronan felt his face get hot as he swallowed back a grimace. This was worse than he thought it would be. Declan was remaining reserved and silent, and he prayed he would stay that way. He made a motion for the stairs, but Matthew blocked his way.

"Are you two dating?" He was genuinely curious, and Ronan admitted he was too. He scratched at the back of his head and then simply shrugged, self conscious about saying the truth, which was he didn't know. They still hadn't defined the relationship like Noah suggested they did, and he wasn't sure he was going to like the answer if he asked. There was still a prickling pinch at the base of his skull that every time he thought of where this was going on Adam's end, which as of right now was a bunch of giant question marks to him. To Ronan it was something else entirely.

"What's that mean?" Matthew frowned, and did not move out of his way.

"Matthew," Declan finally said, and he put a hand to their younger brother's shoulder, almost like a warning to not be so invasive. His eyes flickered between Matthew and Ronan, then finally settled on the elder, hesitantly so. "You two haven't......?" His voice crackled at the end. This was awkward and uncomfortable.

It took Ronan a minute to catch what Declan was referencing, and when he did he grimaced.

"The fuck, Declan," he snarled. "I don't need 'the talk' from you."

"Just...." Declan pressed a hand to his face, shadowing his eyes. "Safety. Is important," he said uncomfortably. When he looked to want to say more, Ronan flinched.

"Please, for the love of god and my own fucking sanity, stop-"

"Why don't you know if you're dating?" Matthew intervened. He sounded almost upset about it, more than Ronan was. "You were making out!"

"I'm going to my room," Ronan said lowly, trying to move past his brothers. They built a barrier around the staircase. He wished he could fly.

"Are you going to winter formal now?" Matthew sounded hopeful. Ronan dashed those hopes in half.

"No," he cackled.

"What! Why not?"

"I'm going to my room," Ronan repeated. Finally he shoved past them both and started trudging up the stairs.

"I want to meet him properly next time you bring him over," said Declan.

Ronan balked. "What the _fuck_? Why?" He turned on his heel and stared down at his insane siblings. These nosy weirdos.

"I want to know who it is you're dating," said Declan. Ronan's face felt red hot.

"Oh my god I can't believe I'm fucking having this shit conversation with my goddamn brother," he groaned.

Declan looked about as happy about it as he felt.

"I want you two to be safe," he said, fidgeting at the foot of the stairs, "and I want to make sure he's good for- Oh my god I'm turning into Mom." His eyes went wide and his face paled. Ronan took the opportunity of his breakthrough and ascended the rest of the way to his room. Matthew was still asking questions behind him but he ignored him all the way to his room. While he loved his little brother, ever since he started dating Julia he became unbearable about dating.

Once inside his room, Ronan locked the door, avoiding more invasive proceedings, and he collapsed on his bed with Chainsaw still in her cage. She looked to be trying to sleep so he didn't disturb her. He retrieved his phone from his jeans and texted back Adam from less than an hour ago.

 

**ronan** : _home_

 

Adam didn't take long to reply, and Ronan pretended that he was waiting by his phone for the text, hopeful for it. That's how Ronan was about Adam's texts. Disgusting.

 

**adam** : _genuinely thought you died while texting and driving._

**ronan** : _and didn't text me asking if i was ok? rude_

**adam** : _I figured you're stubborn enough you'd find a way back to return from the dead and haunt me forever. annoying and clever that way_

**ronan** : _you wish, parrish_

**adam** : _what did your brothers say?_

**ronan** : _god you're obsessed with them_

**adam** : _no I'm not. I just want to know what they said_

**ronan** : _i think matthew's in love with you, and declan wants to meet you next time you come over_

**adam** : _he's met me already_

**ronan** : _yeah well he's a dumbass_

**adam** : _so matthew likes me huh? wow 2/3 lynch brothers isn't so bad :)_

**ronan** : _why are you putting that smiley face you're only at 1/3 lynch brothers im not into you now_

**adam** : _you can be such an asshole_

**ronan** : _takes one to know one :')_

**adam** : _ha you're using the emoji wrong_

**ronan** : _shut up_

**adam** : _it's cute_

**ronan** : _i'm not cute_

**adam** : _yes you are_

**ronan** : _is it weird that i miss you_

 

It was a forward question and comment, but at the same time Ronan just had the best afternoon of his life, so he felt empowered enough to send it. He waited with heavy anticipation, weighed down on his bed from the events of the day. It was only now his body was reacting to a day spent playing tennis then running around the fields after cows and then making out with the boy of his dreams. Every muscle ached in the most splendid way, a reminder today was real.

 

**adam** : _no that's not weird. I miss you too. I wish there was time to see you tomorrow_

**ronan** : _no i get it. work is important_

**adam** : _yeah .._

 

Ronan lay there thinking about how he started off the day nervous for his match and now he had the taste of Adam on his lips. He touched them, and touched where Adam had lay down on his bed. He grinned uncontrollably. Adam missed him, too.

Across the room, Chainsaw was awake and she made her presence known, squawking and flapping her wings at her cage walls. She looked condescendingly at him, if a bird could do such a thing.

Sore, he rose up from the bed slowly and anguished. When he let her out she pecked at his fingers, gentle but not. He felt he deserved that. She didn't get put in her cage very often.

"Sorry," he said, stroking her head with the back of his forefinger. "I didn't want you to cockblock me."

He couldn't believe he just said that to his bird.

His phone was still on his bed and he heard it vibrate against the collection of sheets. After a few minutes of giving Chainsaw the attention she vied for, he returned to collapse on his bed again, aware he wasn't going to leave it again for a while.

 

**adam** : _I'm so distracted_

**ronan** : _maybe if you weren't texting you wouldn't be so distracted_

**adam** : _you are so annoying_

**ronan** : _:')_

**adam** : _stop using the emoji wrong_

**ronan** : _how can someone use an emoji wrong_

**adam** : _I don't know but somehow you've done it_

**ronan** : _:')_

**adam** : _are you tired_

**ronan** : _why? because i've been running through your mind all day?_

**adam** : _jfc lynch you did not just say that_

**adam** : _I'm currently puking_

**ronan** : _thanks for the mental image_

**ronan** : _i'm not tired. i'm wide awake_

**adam** : _do you think you'll be wide awake at midnight?_

**ronan** : _i'm not psychic_

**adam** : _lynch_

 

It dawned on him what Adam was asking. He got off work around midnight. His stomach was going that rolling thing it did whenever he was offered an opportunity to see Adam.

 

**ronan** : _i can see you after work_

**adam** : _if you insist_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was half past eleven when Ronan snuck out of the house, Declan and Matthew could both be heard awake in their rooms. Declan's social life took a bit of a dive after their parents died, and Matthew wasn't allowed one.

Ronan took a short nap after their texting conversation to allow himself time to recuperate from their make out session and tennis. He woke up to his alarm set for when he should leave and stuffed his face with leftover pizza from the fridge. Chainsaw silently observed him from her perch on a bookshelf by the front door as he was tucking in his shoes. She was quiet to let him sneak out. He owed her a treat for that.

He drove to Boyd's just as Adam was getting out, hair messy from running his hands through it all day in concentration. His face and clothes were stained in grease and sweat, and he probably smelled like gasoline. He looked exhausted, but a grin spread out on his face like a sunrise when he spotted Ronan pulling in. Ronan couldn't help himself, and he grinned back.

In his work overalls that were half on, hung low on his hips, Adam sauntered over to his side of the car and tapped on the window. Ronan rolled it down as fast as he manually could, eyeing Adam openly.

When the window was fully down, Adam leaned against the door, pillowing his chin on his arms as they reached into the cab.

"Not getting in?" Ronan said. Adam's hands played with the sleeve of Ronan's jacket, his eyes casting down. He looked in desperate need of sleep. There were big and dark circles under his worn eyes, and here Ronan was keeping him up.

"No," Adam said cheerily, sounding more awake than he looked. "I just wanted to make you drive here for the hell of it."

"Honestly I'm not surprised," he said.

Adam's grin broadened, enveloping his whole face. "Asshole," he said.

Ronan rolled his eyes simply for the effect and inclined toward Adam's touch, watching those slender fingers nimbly moving around. He remembered a time when he couldn't easily take them into his or bring them to his lips even, when he spent months watching them write in class or raise to answer a question or touch at his face when he was tired from the day. Now he could reach and take his hand from his sleeve, which he did, and he could just as easily put his knuckles to his lips, which he did. He kissed each finger, eyes open and still on Adam's. They slipped downward when he witnessed Adam's own gaze droop, sluggish with sleep deprivation. His eyes were attracted to Adam's lips, soft and full and kissable. He was licking them absentmindedly as Ronan's own were still trailing over his hand.

"I can't stay long," he said, more for Adam's benefit, although he was starting to again feel the weight of the day in his limbs. "Declan's probably already aware I've snuck out."

He let Adam's hand slide out of his to grip the door frame, and he watched as Adam leaned back out of the truck to stand a little straighter.

"Yeah your truck isn't exactly stealthy," Adam remarked. He was eyeing its outsides, which Ronan acknowledged needed some work as well as a wash. "It's okay." And Adam sighed, inclining into the door again to tuck his head in through the window. He was wearing his teasing smile that Ronan was becoming obsessed with, privileged to receive it as much as he did. "I wasn't expecting a long visit anyway. I only wanted you to come for one reason."

There was a strange tickling feeling inside, and Ronan couldn't stop himself from being an ass. "My winning personality?"

Adam laughed, loud enough it echoed off into the empty night. His head jerked back a beat, and then he was leaning all in to the car, probably standing on his tip toes as he pushed up and onto Ronan, striving for a kiss. When their lips met, he could feel the kiss all the way to his toes. One of Adam's hands left the door to hold on at Ronan's neck, for balance or guidance he couldn't tell which. They breathed softly into one another, and all Ronan could hear were the sounds of nature and a faraway siren. He still couldn't believe this was happening.

"I'm feeling very used right now," he said, when they separated. Adam's height dipped as he stood flat on his feet again, hand removed from Ronan's neck. It shifted up to race across his buzzed hair.

"Shut up," he said. Ronan almost shivered from the chill he got as Adam's hand repeated its proceedings. "You came here for the same reason."

"I thought we were going to work on our poems together for class," Ronan said, a knee jerk reaction to be sarcastic.

Adam rolled his eyes and pulled his hand out of the truck. "Don't remind me about those," he said bitterly.

"Not a poet, Parrish?" Ronan would've expected Adam was already done with his poem and more, but it was relatively a pleasant surprise to see he did have some minor qualms with school.

"I'm a scientist," Adam reasoned, and Ronan scoffed loudly.

"Scientists can rhyme can't they?" he said.

"Poetry is more than just rhyming," said Adam. He looked irritated with the suggestion that's all it was. "It's also about emotion and connecting to something deeper inside and displaying it in words. I'm better with logical things."

"Well..." He could see the subject hit some sort of nerve or another, and he was touchy about it in ways Ronan couldn't currently understand. Having gotten to know Adam as well as he has, he knew he wouldn't want to discuss it further, so Ronan shrugged. "I'm good at dirty limericks," he replied, trying for chill.

"I'm not surprised." Adam peeled from the door, slow and subtle. He offered Ronan a small smile, likely aware of Ronan's sarcastic tactics. "Let me get my bike."

Not long after, they were parked outside St. Agnes in a spot reserved for the handicapped. They were out there longer than Ronan anticipated, but he couldn't complain. Adam was half in his lap making out with him, all teeth and limbs and lips. It was not the most comfortable, but Ronan could sense Adam didn't want to invite him up, and he knew he shouldn't go anyway. Making out here was safer, to some extent. They were frantic with their kissing at first, but slowly it built to an unrushed heat, as if they had all the time in the world, when really Adam had work in six or seven hours.

Adam kept hitting his head on the roof and Ronan's knees were constricted under the wheel, but they couldn't find it in themselves to stop.

Now that this was an option, Ronan was selfishly stuffing himself and taking full advantage of Adam's lip generosity. His hands were at Adams waist, dizzyingly sneaking strokes at the bare skin at his midriff, and Adam's hands were cupping his face. He didn't feel like they were ever going to stop, and he didn't want to. This was a million times better than sleep. His dreams were now displayed before him in 3D, and he could touch and smell and taste them.

Fuck.

Adam had leaned back too much and hit the horn. They broke apart laughing, breathless and lightheaded. He smelled like a hard day's work in the best way possible, and Ronan just wanted to memorize the smell forever. As he was still partway in his lap and partway knelt on the truck's seat bench, he was laughing into Ronan's shoulder, shaking with his reaction. Their hearts were still racing when his laughter died down, enough for him to swallow and sit back to look Ronan in the eye again.

One of Ronan's fingers came to swipe across Adam's lips, tantalizingly aware he was initiating another kiss with the tender brush of a thumb against the plump, pink, wet lower lip he could write a thousand cheesy school assigned sonnets on. He took the lip between his, and then tongue crashed into tongue and they were kissing again. He closed his eyes to Adam breathing hard through his nose against his cheek, tiny sounds escaping Adam as his fingers trailed over his bared midriff again.

This kiss was shorter than he would have liked, but reasonably there was evidence of more to come. They had other days. He almost beamed at the realization.

"Kay, go to bed," said Adam.

Ronan felt surreal, smiling so much.

"Night, Parrish," he said, voice hoarse from a million things. He thought he sounded like he swallowed rocks.

"You should work on your homework tomorrow," Adam said encouragingly. "Do something useful with your day."

"Today was pretty useful," Ronan confessed.

Adam rolled his eyes, but he caught him grinning anyway.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They texted for the better part of Sunday, amidst breakfast and feeding the cows and Adam going to work. Their texting went into the afternoon during lunch, and Ronan sitting at his desk for an hour trying to figure out how to even start with a poem. What would be the subject of his poetry anyway? He stared long and hard at the blank pages on his desk, until Chainsaw started vying for his attention and he gave it to her happily. They texted into the evening, through dinner and Adam's transition from one job to the other. Ronan was called out by his distractions and he went outside to ignore his brothers' meddling.

Matthew asked again about the dance and he simply didn't answer. Instead he thought of leaving, to drop by and see Adam at his work, but half their conversation today was about how exhausted he was, and he didn't want to add onto that stress. Last night could tide him over until tomorrow. That and their texts.

 

**adam** : _when should I expect another serenade from you_

**ronan** : _never. the fuck. that was a one time deal. should've enjoyed it more while it lasted_

**adam** : _so next week then?_

**ronan** : _get back to work, parrish_

**adam** : _deflecting. so I expect this second time to have better choreography and a guitar solo. maybe some harmonization too. ooh, and maybe my old high school's marching band._

**ronan** : _fucking nerd_

**adam** : _you like me anyway_

**ronan** : _you got me there_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In such a short amount of time Adam became accustomed to how he spent his school days with Ronan, and now they were even better. He shouldn't be getting used to the ways things were so willingly, not when it could easily fall apart at any moment. He was afraid of that, but he forced himself not to think about it. It was easy not to when he was surrounded by happiness, when he allowed himself to put off those thoughts when a text came through from Ronan. His weekend made him feel jubilant. He never thought he would feel this way, least of all while still in Henrietta.

On Monday morning Ronan wordlessly came to pick him up. He gave him his usual grunt hello in the morning and Adam climbed over his backpack to kiss him good morning. Kissing him was like driving through the rain in a car with the top down, a warm summer's rain with thunder and lightning off in the distance and warm water splashing down upon him. When Ronan was in control of the kisses they were delicate and slow, feeling around for where they were allowed and weren't this soon in the relationship. When Adam was in control of the kisses it was like he was kissing him to stay alive, wild and ravenous. He was starving, and Ronan was all that could sate him.

All this talk of poetry was wrecking his brain.

They were almost late to first period.

They still weren't holding hands in public, or displaying this in front of anyone really. Adam wasn't sure if Ronan was ready, and perhaps a small part of him wasn't ready either. The back of their hands pressed together discreetly, intentionally. That was enough for now.

They talked a little more freely in class than even last week. Adam could feel Tad's eyes on them but he evaded ever turning around to see if his suspicions were real, happily ignoring him by way of touching at the base of Ronan's skull and watching him shiver as he sat behind him. Part of his tattoo snaked up from his collar and toward the edge of his hairline, dark and dramatic. He very much wanted to lean in and kiss him there, but they were in the middle of class, and already Mr. Bouford thought him and Ronan excessively annoying.

But Adam could see the different way Ronan looked at him as they walked, as they crossed paths in the hall, as they sat next to each other in class. It was so visibly different from the way he used to. More open and gleeful. He stared back at him the exact same way.

He didn't know happiness could feel like this.

At lunch, they were kissing in the stacks, pressed against a back wall where no one could hear or see them. Ronan's hands were on Adam's waist, and Adam's were draped around his neck in turn.

"I've kind of always wanted to make out in the library," Adam confessed, as Ronan started moving downward toward his neck. He loosened his tie and kissed the sensitive skin under his pulled out collar. They had become very good at this in such a short period of time.

Ronan made a sound of amusement against his skin, tickling him. "Huge nerd," he said, lips ghosting his neck. He shivered as he gripped hard at Ronan's shoulder in response.

"Asshole," he whispered.

After fifteen minutes of being teenagers, Adam needed to focus, even if all he wanted to do was mess around. Ronan was not a good influence on his study habits. This much was obvious.

"I need to study," he said, and he gently pushed Ronan off him, starting to fix at his collar. Ronan pouted in the subtle way he expressed things, eyes dropping a little and lips flattening. He expressed disappointment with his shoulders falling forward, even as Adam started to fix his collar, too.

"Go hang out with your friends," he said. "You're a terrible distraction."

Ronan smirked a little and went for another kiss, but at the same time Adam bent down for his books.

"You aren't eating?" he grunted, his hands coming to run along Adam's back as he was searching through his book bag. He had to bite down hard on his lip, practically almost until it bled, to keep from giving in to Ronan's touches. He knew he wasn't intentionally trying to keep him from his studies, at least not completely, but the way his hands moved up to his shoulders, tracing the curves of his neck, and then playing with his ears of all things - distracting.

"Nino's," he said quiet, still aware they were in a library, while Ronan talked at his normal level as if they weren't.

"You're going to go fucking cross eyed with all this reading," Ronan remarked, and Adam rolled his eyes. He rose to his feet again and allowed for Ronan's hands to move back down to his waist, fingers curling into the belt loops at his sides.

"Your irritation towards books is getting a little old," Adam noted. "Think of something more clever next time." He hesitated to kiss him again, knowing it would only restart this whole process if he did. So he gently pushed at Ronan's shoulder, who frowned. "Now go on. Scamper."

Ronan started off reluctantly, and Adam slapped at his butt to go faster. The act caused him to turn back around instead, pressing him hard against the stacks and kissing him until a book fell on their heads.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It wasn't hard to find the gang at lunch, clustered together at a table near the center of the cafeteria. Noah and Henry were practically fused together, although he couldn't fault them for that. He wished he were back in the library right now, a thought he never believed he would have.

Gansey was facing his direction at the table, Noah and Henry's backs to him. Upon sight of him, and him alone, Gansey's head shot up and he smiled. Catching his reaction, the other two followed by turning their heads.

"Oh my god," Noah gasped. "Whoa. Who are you?"

Ronan rolled his eyes and moved to sit next to Gansey, but Henry was faster and dumped his backpack on the seat with a teasing smile.

"Um, sorry, this seat is taken? We're saving it for our friend, Ronan Lynch. Have you seen him?"

Ronan rolled his eyes again as Henry moved his bag back onto the table, and Ronan sat down next to his friends. It felt strange. He didn't interact with them in person much lately, and he didn't realize this until now. His whole brain was clogged with _Adam_ _Adam Adam_. Even now, he wondered how Adam's studying was coming along, and he missed his kiss like a straggler in the desert missed rain. He thought of his freckles, how he managed to kiss each one at his face and his neck by this point.

"Assholes," he said again as they teased him more about his attendance.

"Almost didn't recognize you," said Noah. "There's about a hundred and fifty odd pounds missing from your side."

"Fuck off."

Gansey didn't join in on the jokes, which wasn't necessarily odd, but it was odd how quiet he was. He was staring at him as if he had been away for years with no contact. Like he had been officially declared dead and now he appeared long lost and forlorn. Gansey was always dramatic like that.

"Something on my face, Dick?" he said, and he furrowed his brow curiously as Gansey faltered in his gaze.

"Nothing," he said. "You look really happy."

Ronan gave a shark sharp smile, all teeth. "I am," he said. He wondered what he must have looked like, the angry kid who scared everyone at school, smiling at the center of the cafeteria without a hint of his old anger in his eyes. "Now what's this I hear about you two fucking going to Vancouver for winter break?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

For the most part, their routine was still the same as last week. Pick up to take to school. Hang out a bit at lunch. Drive to Nino's. Drive home. Only Ronan caught on quick to the differences that made it so much better, some subtler than others.

The kissing was definitely one. The discreet touches. The making out at Nino's in the back booth until Blue took a water bottle and sprayed them like a cat clawing at the furniture.

It was also the shared smiles, and the exchange of looks when someone says something stupid in English class and when Ronan's sometimes quicker at raising his hand than Adam in Latin. The way they stand next to each other walking through the halls. The fact Ronan got his first A in chemistry because of all the time he listened to Adam talk about it the last two weeks.

They were more comfortable around each other, always touching some way or another, eased into this. He noticed Adam seemed more relaxed this past week, never hesitating.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On Thursday, Ronan had tennis practice after class, and he told Adam he couldn't skip it, after getting torn apart by his tennis coach about skipping last week's.

"I could study while you're practicing," Adam suggested in between classes. They found each other in the chaos of students, always gravitating towards one another. Adam was fishing a book out from his locker, while Ronan was just there, observing. He hadn't shaved that morning, and already stubble was clear along his jaw. Adam wanted to run a hand along it, and he almost did. A fellow classmate passing by held him still.

"Don't you want to eat?" Ronan mused, leaning against the locker thinking himself James Dean. Adam sucked in a breath when his piercing eyes and sharp jaw were tilted in his direction, head resting against the lockers.

Taking a page from Ronan's book, Adam said, "Eating's for suckers."

Ronan's smile waned. "Adam."

When he said Adam, he knew there was depth behind the word. He shrugged off his concern, for that was all he really allowed himself to do.

"I can grab something from Nino's later on the way to work," he said. "Blue's not going to miss the sight of us after yesterday."

"She really fucking killed my vibe," Ronan replied, moving on from talks of food. He could see he wasn't going to win.

"We weren't exactly being subtle," Adam replied, and he wasn't subtle again as he reached and stroked at Ronan's tie.

"Subtle's for suckers," Ronan parroted.

"Would it be distracting if I was there?" Adam fixed Ronan's tie for him as way of working around their rule of not touching intimately at school, which he set forth for them and could just as easily break if he so chose. Instead he liked the thrill of touching him under the guise it was harmless friendly touching. He was overthinking again.

"Don't flatter yourself, Parrish," Ronan said, and he not so subtly eyed Adam with his hungry eyes. "Won't _I_ be distracting for _you_?"

"Pardon?" Adam crowed.

At that, Ronan put on an airy voice that was meant to mimic Adam's down to the lilt of an accent. "You don't have to shower, Lynch. Could those shorts be any shorter? You grunt a lot."

"Please." Adam scowled but he could feel his skin hot from his neck upward. "I'm not the one who snuck into someone else's weights class and stared at them for fifteen minutes in the corner like a pervert before sneaking off without even saying hello."

"You must have me mistaken for someone else," Ronan said quickly, smirk flattening into a voided expression. They were pushing each other's buttons and Adam wondered how much of it on Ronan's side was because they couldn't make out for several more hours. His was mostly all of it. "I never did that. I've never even been to the weights class"

They looked at one another, Adam staring witheringly and Ronan challenging his gaze with a haughty head tilt. The staring contest broke when someone walked by their lockers and made kissing noises. They both gave their random classmate a disinterested look, Ronan's going a little further with a curl of his lips and a false step toward him. Their classmate bolted, and they broke into private smiles reserved for only each other.

Adam almost instinctively went to kiss him goodbye before splitting apart for separate classes, but he caught himself halfway into the approach, quick to fall back onto his heel. Ronan looked discouraged.

"See you at practice," he said.

He left Ronan standing there wanting more than just that as goodbye, and walked happily off with a lightness to his step.

 

At practice Adam definitely found himself distracted. He was trying to think of the poem for class, coming up with words that rhymed but didn't connect together or give off the feeling that he put in any effort at all. Ronan became an obvious alternative to focus on, when he stripped off his shirt in the middle of practice. It just so happened Adam was looking up just as he peeled it off, sticking to his skin until it was up and over his head. He almost dropped his book under the bleachers.

"You know it's winter, right?" he sighed, watching carefully. He had yet to see him shirtless, and still could remember vividly the day he pulled up his shirt to reveal his stomach the first time Adam asked him out.

"I get sweaty and hot," Ronan countered. He dumped the shirt on his gym bag and switched his racquet between hands to wipe his forehead with the back of his right. He was practicing against his coach earlier, who since left, and at that time Adam got some studying, but now he knew there was no point to try.

He sighed again, tilting his head to one side, admiring the structure of Ronan's build. His shoulders were strong and spread, shifting as he swung at another ball that came racing across the court from the ball machine. His build was lean but muscled, his arms thicker outside Aglionby's uniform and the plain shirts he so often wore. Adam sat back and rested against the bleacher bench behind him, elbows propped backwards to keep him steady. As he swung again and again, Adam watched his form, the lines of his back and his stomach shifting with each motion. His large back tattoo was finally fully visible and it was so intricate and eye catching, that that's where his eyes fell to stay.

"I don't see how staring at me is going to get you a better grade in Latin than mine," Ronan remarked cheerily.

Adam narrowed his eyes and sat forward again, blushing madly. Ronan caught the reaction, grinning in triumph. He looked his direction and Adam could see the sweat on his skin, even in this cold. He swallowed.

A ball then struck Ronan in the chest and he wheezed.

"Fuck," he shouted, halfheartedly while the wind was still knocked out of him.

"Eyes on the ball, Lynch," Adam teased. Ronan offered him the middle finger as he stepped out of the ball's line of motion to tend to his chest.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On Friday, Ronan was sitting in the library at lunch waiting for Adam to meet him there. He didn't like being in the library so openly alone. It gave the illusion he studied, when he was so careful to build up a reputation of not giving a fuck.

"Bruhhhhhh," he heard behind him, and he turned to find Henry Broadway standing there with a book on social economics in his hands. People surprised you.

"My man!" He came and exchanged a hand clasp then a fist bump with Ronan, who was rather pleased to see him. They didn't have any classes together as far as he could tell. Not this term anyway. If they did, he would've remembered. Broadway wasn't subtle and neither was he. "My Sinatra! How've you been?"

"Sober," Ronan replied. Broadway laughed.

"What the fuck are you doing in a library, dude?"

Ronan shrugged and gestured to the table he was sitting on cross legged, motioning to the books on it that were left by other students. "Studying, of course," he said.

Broadway looked at him with a knowing look, aware he was lying. "Nah, man."

They got to talking, mostly about Broadway since Ronan really didn't have much to say if he didn't want to word vomit about Adam. He already had enough trouble with that with his friends who kept prying. What was there to tell, other than he was having the best time of his life but they still hadn't confirmed if they were dating or not? At this point he was scared to ask.

Quietly, Adam appeared behind Broadway's shoulder as they were discussing the Vancouver crowd and he was being invited to go skating, even though he didn't know how to skate in the slightest. He admitted he looked like he should know. Behind Broadway, Adam looked confused, and he folded his arms across his chest as Ronan recognized he was there. Broadway wouldn't stop talking, leaving no opening between words to interject. God, did he even breathe?

"Henry," he finally said, motioning with his chin to look behind him. "Have you met Adam Parrish?"

"Who?" Broadway turned around to find Adam directly behind him, and then a broad grin found its way onto his face. "Oh, it's the dude."

Adam was unimpressed. He looked haggard from likely running into Tad or another douchebag on campus. He didn't look so worn last time he saw him during third period.

"Yes, that is one of my many official titles," Adam drawled, and Ronan could see Broadway's expression shift. He liked him, and he almost felt bad Adam's behavior wasn't at top marks, but then Broadway turned to him and was smirking.

"Man," he said with a laugh in his voice. "I can see why you were a mess at that party and going on and on about him."

Ronan tensed. He shadowed his embarrassment with a focused glare. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," he snapped.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Adam starting to smugly smile.

"Nah, man, I remember-"

"That wasn't me," Ronan said through gritted teeth. He could feel his face getting flushed. This was embarrassing.

"Dude....." Broadway finally caught on and he inclined toward him, making Adam's amusement more prominent as he was no longer blocked. "I get it. Shh." He put a finger to his lips then pulled back to wave at Adam and him. "I'll see you dudes later."

Adam didn't wave, but he did step closer until their knees were touching. He reached and stroked Ronan's tie, a thing he noticed he did when he had nowhere else to touch.

"I already knew you were a mess," he said. "No need to hide it."

Out of instinct, Ronan shoved at his shoulder with a gentleness that hardly did anything but make him laugh. He then pulled him in by the tie until they were kissing.

There was no one else around, and Adam allowed the interaction with a lightness. He was still laughing against Ronan's lips. The vibration of it tickled.

When they parted, his eyes were on him with  an intensity reserved for when they were alone. As far as Ronan was aware, they were. So he kissed him again, until Adam gripped his shoulder to ask him to stop.

Adam still looked tired when they parted, as he brought his lips inward toward his mouth, tongue peeling out between them a second as he ran it across. They looked less kissed when he did this, although who was around to care.

He hopped off the table and took Adam's hand in silence, moving to the space in the back where he knew Adam liked to study.

While Adam was still settling in to study, Ronan reached into his bag and brought out a paper sack of lunch.

Adam's eyes fell onto the crinkling paper bag, making more noise than it was worth. His gaze shifted to around them, suspicious of someone coming, although no one ever did when they were making out back here.

"You aren't supposed to eat in the library," he said.

"Who fucking says?" Ronan argued.

Adam pointed to a sign above their heads. Ronan looked and read it, noting no food or drinks in the library. He proceeded to flip the sign off.

"Oh, fuck that," he hissed. "How's anyone supposed to get any work done in this hellhole if they can't eat?"

He didn't even need to look up to know Adam was giving him another of his looks, eyes either rolling or blinking slowly at his stupidity. Ronan couldn't care less about the sign. Adam hadn't eaten lunch once this week and he felt he was partially to blame for it. All their making out was eating into his studying time, and it affected the rest of his schedule like a ripple effect. So Ronan woke up early and made lunch this morning. His hand went into the bag and he fished out the first thing it touched.

"Turkey sandwich?" he said casually. "I'm not going to eat the whole thing."

"No thanks," Adam said flatly. His notes were sprawled out in front of them on the floor. He looked to be deciding which to study first, and Ronan interrupted the decision making by placing the sandwich bag by his feet.

"I'll put it here if you change your mind," he said. Quieter, he started making his way through the rest of the bag, taking each thing out and laying it out as if these were his notes.

"I don't want these. You can have them if you want," he said, and he tossed a bag of chips at Adam.

Adam was startled by the bag falling into his lap, but he retrieved it with a faint sense of curiosity.

"I feel like you brought this lunch for me," he said. He sounded slightly exasperated.

"Do you see your name written on the paper sack?" Ronan went an extra mile and raised the bag to show him.

Adam rolled his eyes and gestured. "There's nothing written there-"

"Exactly." Ronan grunted. "Fuck. It's not for you. I'm just being friendly is all. You're a little self absorbed, aren't you?"

Adam rolled his eyes and tried to get back to studying. They were both stubborn assholes, which was why this worked so well. Ronan pushed one last time.

"The fuck am I going to do with all this food?" He motioned to the pile now on the floor. "Matthew made my lunch."

That was partially true. Matthew saw the disaster of what he was stuffing his bag with and made him redo it

The mention of Matthew somehow eased the tension in his shoulders and the apprehension in his hands. Carefully he picked back up the bag of chips and quietly opened it with his slender fingers.

Ronan made a point not to smile when he looked at him. He was just glad he was eating something. He watched him lick his fingers of cheese dust when he was done, and he silently offered him a napkin Matthew stuffed in the bag.

Studying was boring, even when he had Adam there, because all he wanted to do was make out with Adam or talk to Adam, not read about the American government and how time and time again it fucked up everything. This was old news. Adam was here and real and very much kissable.

He was deep in thought, studying with his brow curled and eyes narrowed at a page. He looked to be understanding it slowly, scrawling notes with his bird scratch handwriting. How he could even read those notes, Ronan didn't pretend to understand. He fingered his lips as something new hit his mind, eyes fleetingly widening then narrowing again, as his mouth opened just a little, fingertips absentmindedly picking at his lower lip for something to do.

So Ronan went against the rules Adam set forth for their study sessions, and he brushed his lips against the visible stretch of skin at Adam's neck. At once, Adam could be heard dropping his pencil against his notebook, as he leaned into the touch. He made that little breathy sound Ronan knew he made when he was irritated. It was funny to hear it as Ronan felt him dipping toward his lips on his throat. He made a second sound, desperate almost, asking for something Ronan didn't understand. Ronan skirted his teeth across the gap of skin that bridged his throat and his jaw.

He felt Adam's hand at his chest, his fingers knotting into his Aglionby sweater, and then he was being pushed away.

"Okay, I said you could come if you were quiet, and this isn't quiet," he said, annoyance at the edge of his words. "Read a book."

"Books are-" Adam blinked slowly at him and showcased just how little he cared. He still looked visibly wrecked by the kissing, face a little pink, but Ronan could see he wasn't going to allow him even for a second to start that up again.

Ronan went quiet. He was bored, but he didn't want to leave and go hang out with his friends, although he knew he probably should.

At first he watched Adam studying again, and while he could do that for days, not even memorizing every freckle on his cheeks could keep his attention completely when it was this quiet.

He rested his head back against the wall and shut his eyes, thinking about nothing for a little while. In the silence he felt Adam slip his hand into his, and when Ronan opened his eyes again Adam was still looking down. Reading. He swallowed and then leaned to put his head on Adam's shoulder. Adam flinched, thinking he was initiating something else, but when he didn't feel Ronan try to reach for him, he let his head remain there and went back to studying.

As he sat there watching Adam work, he thought back to earlier when he ran into Gansey in the halls. Gansey was still being weird about Adam, always inquiring about him in such an odd tone. Was Gansey jealous Ronan wasn't around him as often? He wasn't sure what to say to that.

"What are you doing Sunday?" he asked, and Ronan remembered faltering at the question, floundering for an answer. He almost forgot his birthday was Sunday. He rather wished he completely forgot.

"Nothing," he told Gansey, and Gansey reacted in a very Gansey way.

"What?" He gasped and shook his head at him in surprise. "You have a boyfriend and you're not doing anything for your birthday?"

"He's not my boyfriend," he clarified.

"What the hell?" Gansey was as bewildered about it as Ronan felt.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" he said to him.

"Do you want to come over and hang out with me and the guys?" Gansey asked. Ronan wanted to, but not this weekend. Any other time but this weekend.

"No," he said. He just wanted to be alone.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

Dropping Adam off at his place was always a long process these days. They were making out again in Ronan's car, Ronan still not invited upstairs, for the betterment of their afternoons. It had been fifteen or twenty minutes and their lips were starting to hurt, Adam once again practically in Ronan's lap. His hands were around Adams waist and at the small of his back, pulling him into him.

Doing this in front of a church felt holy, worshipping Adam with his hands and his lips.

He wanted to ask if they could be boyfriends, having practiced again and again his little speech. When he turned the car off, however, Adam was on him like a moth to a flame and he had lost the opportunity to ask.

Eventually they broke to breathe, Adam's face against Ronan's forehead. He was breathing hard against his cheek as Ronan ran his hands up and down Adam's back. Adam hummed at the feeling, between deep breaths.

"I suddenly love studying," Ronan said.

Adam grunted and pinched Ronan on the shoulder. He then softly moved away to fetch his things.

As he combed his hair with his fingers, Ronan felt courage to ask him, "What are you doing this weekend?"

"Work." Adam shrugged and chewed his lip thoughtlessly. He was a vision. Ronan almost looked away. Sometimes he still had to stop and remind himself he was allowed to stare. "Why?"

"No reason," he said. He chickened out, courage gone.

"Let me know if you want to hang out," Adam called out as he climbed out of the truck. "I'll see if I can squeeze you in."

Ronan already knew he wasn't going to ask.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Saturday afternoon Adam had a solid two hour break between jobs, and he was strategically studying at his small desk by the window back in St. Agnes. Ronan hadn't texted him since the morning, busy he suspected. It gave him reason to solely focus on his homework, which had become a strained effort this past week. Having a boyfriend was a lot more time consuming than he thought it would be. Mentally, physically.

He was getting off topic. His homework wasn't going to write itself.

After finishing up most of it in a quick two hours, he changed for work and ate a quick snack. There was a knock at the door, which was strange. He thought perhaps it was one of the nuns coming to say hello, or his more hopeful thought was it was Ronan. Though if it were it meant he would be late to work.

Whoever it was persisted with a second knock, and on his way to the door he checked his phone and saw a new message from Ronan.

 

**ronan** : _matthew and i have been arguing all afternoon about names for the baby calf. he called my name stupid._

**adam** : _let me guess. garden hose?_

**ronan** : _you fuck_

 

He opened the door with a grin that was flattened like a balloon that hit a ceiling fan.

"Gansey," he said. He was wearing an ugly yellow polo shirt and khaki pants, his infamous Gansey look outside of school. Blue still hadn't persuaded him to burn all his polo shirts in a fire yet.

His dismay must have been written all over his face, because Gansey raised his hands in surrender and wore obvious concern on his own face.

"Before you say anything, I only came to bury the hatchet," he said. "Start anew. Maybe, if you would allow, we could be friends?"

He sounded so hesitant as he said it, careful, like Adam were something to be afraid of. Adam growled and pushed past him to lock his apartment door. He started down the stairs slow. Gansey followed.

"Why are you here?" he said. "Couldn't you have said all this at school?"

"You're always with Ronan," Gansey called behind him. "I don't know how to approach you at school."

That was possibly true, but he still felt suspicious.

"Fine." He waved one hand for added effect. "Consider the hatchet buried." They were downstairs, and when Adam paused at the doorway, Gansey almost stepped into him. "Now, if you excuse me I have to start heading to work."

"Do you need a ride?"

Adam sensed that if he said no Gansey would follow him in his car anyway as he biked, and so he relented.

"Does your trunk fit a bike?" he asked, feeling defeated somewhat.

"Yes," said Gansey, a little too eagerly.

His bike barely fit, but after managing it for the most part Adam got in the old clunker. It was brightly colored and roared to life like it was fighting to survive. He ran a hand along the dashboard in front of him and studied the car and its driver. Never in his life could he have foreseen this be the car Gansey drove.

"She's a beauty, isn't she?" Gansey said, noting his interest.

"She's nice," Adam admitted. He wished he could afford a car. Someday, he thought. Someday.

 

**adam** : _is it worse than garden hose?_

**ronan** : _you don't deserve to know_

**adam** : _that's okay I was only asking out of politeness_

**ronan** : _you ass_

**adam** : _:)_

**adam** : _I miss you I guess :/_

 

"Do you have any plans with Ronan this weekend?" Gansey asked, and Adam jerked out of his head when he heard him. He turned his phone screen facing down, realizing it was rude to text when he had company, even if the company was not his choice.

He shrugged, as he felt his phone vibrate. His fingers twitched with the desire to see what Ronan sent, or perhaps it was Blue getting back to him about Thanksgiving.

"Nothing that I know of," he said, and against his better instinct he flipped his phone back over to read the text from Ronan.

 

**ronan** : _well i don't miss being heckled for coming up with cool names for animals.._

**ronan** : _i guess i'll make an exception for you though_

 

They saw each other only yesterday and yet Adam felt this rawness from being away when he knew he could see him so easily. The thought that this would be how he felt every day while away at college unsettled him. It unsettled him more that he even thought so far ahead, but he knew with each passing day that this was something long term, and the way he felt wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

College was still a happy thought, a future he always wanted and felt deserved, but now there was also Ronan to factor in. If Ronan wanted to be.

He couldn't believe that it was all because of the boy sitting next to him, who was looking at him with a strange expression.

"Oh...." He sounded sad about the fact Adam wasn't likely seeing Ronan until Monday.

He put his phone down before replying, aggravated so easily by Gansey's subtle but unsubtle reactions.

"What is it?" he said bitterly.

"Nothing. Just it's his birthday tomorrow."

If Adam were driving he would've slammed his foot on the brakes in the shock of the reveal. Instead, he dropped his phone on the floor.

"Wait, seriously?" He gaped, turning his head to reveal the rest of his reaction to the window and not to Gansey. Suddenly he was worried he upset Ronan in some way, to not tell him it was his birthday. To not ask to celebrate it with him. "He didn't say anything."

"That's Ronan for you." Gansey shrugged, turning into Boyd's garage lot. "He doesn't like his birthday anymore. Parents gone and all."

"Yeah, I got that part," Adam snapped, and Gansey went mute as he parked the car. For a moment they sat there quietly, as Adam analyzed Ronan's position in all this, why he would hide his birthday from Adam, why Gansey would bring it up. Why Gansey was here.

"Why are you telling me this?" he said, and he moved to look Gansey square in the eye. "You aren't going to fucking pay me to take him somewhere are you?"

"Good heavens no." Gansey looked to almost laugh. "I'm done with that."

Adam narrowed his eyes, and Gansey began to squirm under the pressure of his gaze.

"I _swear_ ," he said. "I realize... I was incredibly inconsiderate of your feelings and how it would look to Ronan if he were to...."

Adam ached. He thought about that every day.

"I never had the intention of hurting him, or insulting you. I only wanted what I thought was best for my friends. For Matthew and Ronan."

"You need to work on analyzing what you think is best for them and what actually is," Adam scoffed.

"Blue said the same thing." Gansey's genuine honesty was a nice change, if only briefly.

"She's smart."

"Yes, well, again I'm very sorry for all that I've done." Gansey looked apologetic enough, but Adam still wasn't completely buying into what he was selling. "I only came to apologize and let you know it was his birthday. He's been so happy since...... I want him to be happy about this again, too."

Adam ran his teeth over his lips. He wasn't big on birthdays himself, but he thought if anyone deserved a happy one it was Ronan.

Despite his instinct not to, he silently agreed to help give Ronan the birthday he deserved. He didn't dare partner up with Gansey again, although he did call Blue. He managed to switch shifts with a coworker to get tomorrow off, with the promise of a double next weekend as a result.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"C'est la vie? Mon ami, je te deteste!"

Matthew blinked. He was fishing through his book to see what it was Julia just said to him, studying French out back under the trees.

She wanted to go to winter formal, built most of all she wanted Matthew to stick up to his brother about the rules. Matthew told her about Ronan and Adam, and yet Declan hadn't relented about the idea of going to a dance even if Ronan wasn't going. The rules were stupid and Declan was being superficial.

"I don't know what you said," Matthew admitted.

Julia rolled her eyes. "Vous vous cachez derrière les règles de votre frère pour éviter de devenir sérieux avec moi."

She got up and walked back towards the house, leaving Matthew bristled by the foot of a large oak. She often talked to him strictly in French during her lessons, but today she went too far for his basic understandings. He was trying to fish through his book for words, knowing the basics of moi and je.

Earlier in the week Julia said she was fine with not going to formal, but then Matthew brought up Ronan's own dating life and she got rigid. He really wanted to go to the dance. A chance to spend time with her would be great. They had their share of dates yeah, but a dance was something else. He sighed. He didn't know what to do. How to please her. How to get what _he_ really wanted. Ronan hated that sort of thing. Dances. He was pretty sure if he asked again Ronan was going to kill him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ronan was in the barns with their youngest baby calf, who Matthew suggested be named Luna, while Ronan wanted to name her Jigsaw after the patch of brown between her eyes that looked like a puzzle piece. It sounded similar to Chainsaw, he realized, so perhaps Luna was the better choice.

She was going to make a nice dairy cow someday, he thought. He touched at her pelt on her forehead, at the spot just between her eyes. She wasn't just the youngest of the calves, she was also the sweetest, and he wasn't stupid as to why he had grown to favor her. He could still remember the look on Adam's face as he fed her hay, and when she licked his hand.

He felt like an idiot for not telling him it was his birthday, and he knew he had no one else to blame but himself as to why it was a sad day.

Matthew and Declan gave him gifts in the morning and offered to do something but he said he wasn't feeling well and went to the barn instead, where he hid well into the afternoon. Being alone with the animals was his sanctuary.

He missed his parents every day, and he knew Declan and Matthew did too, but he still ached so deeply inside while they both managed to return to their lives for the most part. Everyone processes death differently but he wished sometimes he processed it like them. Declan hurt and cried for months after they died but quickly came to be the foundation he was now. Matthew was always a supporting branch, and while there were days he saw him still mourn, he didn't constantly ache like how Ronan had for months. For a year.

Agatha was purring as she pushed her head into his ankle, more their pet than their neighbor's at this point. She liked the mice here better, and he liked her. He reached down and petted her as she got cat hair all over his boot.

The sight of her madd him miss Adam even more. He should text him.

Outside the barn, he heard a car driving on the gravel driveway. Declan was probably leaving, which meant it was just him and Matthew. As Agatha scurried off to find something else to do, he decided he might as well see what Matthew was up to. Maybe a few video games will take his mind off of everything.

Declan's car was still in the drive when he rounded the corner of the barn toward the house. There was still a car driving, although it was toward the house rather than away. He instantly recognized it was Blue's family car with Adam inside.

He met him as he was parking, not aware he was planning on dropping by. Last he checked Adam said he had work today, and he hadn't texted since that morning. His apprehension turned into disapproval when Adam got out of the car, holding a tiny box wrapped in newspaper.

He found out.

The blood felt like it was vanishing from his face, and ice was forming in his veins. Everything hurt. How did Adam find out? Why did he come here? He didn't want Adam to see him like this, when he was angry and sad at the world.

"Lynch," said Adam, stretching his hand out with the small gift inside. Ronan rounded the car to head toward the house, but stopped himself when Adam repeated his name. His jaw hurt as he clenched it.

"I don't want it," he barked. "Whatever that is, I don't want it. Just leave me alone."

Adam looked hurt. He stared down at the gift and picked at a loose piece of tape. The quality of the wrapping was better than he could've done, but it was still a gift for him and he didn't want it. If his parents weren't here he didn't want to celebrate his birthday.

"It's your birthday-" Adam started but Ronan groaned and cut him off.

"I don't fucking give a fuck," he said. He could hear himself and he couldn't stop from yelling anyway. It was like watching a car crash and he couldn't do anything to stop it. He couldn't then and he couldn't now. "Go home," he snarled. "I didn't ask you here."

"Don't be like that." Adam became rigid in response to him, voiding his expression and replacing it with anger of his own. "Okay, so you don't want the gift. Can you at least tell me why you're acting this way?"

"How the fuck did you even hear it was my birthday?" he said. "What are you even doing here? I don't want to see you."

That was a lie. Lie lie lie. He briefly felt joy when he realized Adam drove to see him, until he saw the gift, and now he felt horrible for not telling him and worse that somehow he knew already. He just wanted to be alone.

"Ronan."

When he said his name, Ronan so badly wanted to just cry. He couldn't understand it, how he had such happiness for two weeks and all it took was a birthday without his parents to crash it all down.

"Just fuck off." He quickly turned his back to him, to avoid seeing the repercussions of his words affect him.

"I drove all this way to see you," Adam growled. He wasn't letting up.

"I didn't ask you to do that," he replied.

"You asshole." Adam stomped closer to him, and he turned to see him right behind him with his eyebrows knitted together and his arms crossed over his chest. "I _know_ you didn't ask, because I had to find out from _Gansey_ it was your birthday."

Gansey. Of course. Goddamn it Gansey.

"I don't owe it to anyone to tell them it's my birthday," he argued.

Adam rolled his eyes.

"I'm perfectly aware of that reservation, but-"

"You aren't even my boyfriend," Ronan snapped. He practically cried it out, this thing that had been eating him up inside for a whole week.

Adam was taken aback. His arms fell to his sides. "I'm not?" His voice was small.

Seeing the genuine surprise and sadness in Adam's face stilled him. He almost did a double take. "What?"

"I should expect that you kiss all our classmates like that?" Adam's words still had a bite to them, but Ronan's lost theirs.

"You think we're -?" He blinked.

"Do you not want to be?" Adam asked, his voice still sharp like a knife. Ronan sputtered out syllables and consonants trying to figure out the right thing to say. God. Oh god. He was an idiot.

"No, that's not it at all," he said, swallowing as he could see trepidation still present in Adam's eyes.

"I didn't realize it needed to be said-"

"I wasn't sure what you wanted from this." He palmed his face to his hands, silently screaming into them. "Fuck, Parrish."

"Jesus, Lynch." Adam's shoulders finally relaxed and he breathed an overkilled sigh. " _I_ don't kiss all our classmates like that."

Ronan was staring. Bewildered. Retracing his steps in his mind. When did he-? Why didn't he-?

"Just the one," he jested, the tension alleviating somewhat from his bad joke.

Adam gave him an unimpressed glare, but he didn't look as upset anymore. Only mildly withered with exasperation.

"Fuck." Ronan stepped closer to him. Adam was still frowning but accepted his approach. "You mean all this time we've been-?"

"You really thought we weren't?" Adam rolled his eyes and Ronan wanted to roll his eyes right back at him.

"I don't know." He touched at Adam's wrists, feeling the skin there with his thumbs. "I assumed when it happened people said it or something."

"Not always," Adam replied, gentler in tone.

"Jesus Christ." He laughed at himself. Adam was less amused. He didn't yet feel the wave of relief that Ronan felt, to hear him call him boyfriend. He had thought of Ronan as his for at least a week, maybe more?

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I... I'm an idiot."

"I don't like birthdays much either, but I wouldn't have been an asshole to you if you showed up on mine," said Adam. All Ronan had to do was raise an eyebrow and Adam sighed. "Okay, I would've. But fuck you anyway for thinking we weren't dating."

Ronan didn't know what to say to that, and could only shrug. Adam was his first boyfriend, the word sitting giddily on his tongue like the tickling bubbles from a carbonated drink.

"So will you take the stupid gift now?" Adam sounded put out about it.

"Not if it's stupid," Ronan joked.

Adam rolled his eyes again, reacting very much like Adam, and he shoved the small box into Ronan's chest.

But first, Ronan had other plans. His hands moved to Adam's waist and he drew him in for a kiss. He could almost feel himself being brought to tears. All this time he thought they were still in an unwavering middle. But he had always been all in since the moment Adam held his hand the first time at Tad's party.

Adam made a small sound against his lips, like he was trying to refute something. His hands slipped around Ronan's jaw. They were cold. He kissed him back, harder and more fervent, like he were proving to Ronan how stubborn he was to think this was anything less than what he wished it to be.

Adam was first to break the kiss, and he staggered a step from the energy dispelled from it.

"Open the gift, loser," he said. His voice crackled a little.

Ronan grinned devilishly and went in for another kiss instead. The gift could wait. Adam didn't seem to agree, as he placed the tiny box in his face before Ronan could kiss him.

"Open this first, birthday boy," he said.

Ronan rolled his eyes and yanked it from his hand. He shook it by his ear.

"Oh my _god_ , you're incorrigible."

He tore it open and looked inside. It was a leather bracelet, like the ones he liked to wear, only this one had a little metal panel attached to it, with an engraving on the back that would touch against his wrist. **_hbd hooligan_** in small sketchy lettering. Adam had terrible handwriting.

"I, uh, Blue likes to make jewelry with her cousin sometimes," said Adam. He was stumbling over some of the words, rattled and nervous. When he finally found it in himself to look up, he was blushing. "Sells it on some website. If you don't like it I'm sure she can-"

Ronan kissed him against the car, using it as a place to rest him so he could press into him in all the ways he wanted. Adam's hands gripped at his shirtfront as he inclined into him in turn, kissing him back with as much energy if not more. Ronan felt wetness on his cheeks as they kissed, and he couldn't tell whose tears they were.

"This is without a doubt the cheesiest fucking thing I've ever seen," he said.

Adam was still blushing.

"Put it on me." Ronan offered the bracelet to Adam.

"God, I didn't take you for a brat on your birthday," Adam replied.

Still, he put it on him. His fingers ran along at his wrist, leaving cold trails in their wake. Before they pulled back he brought each hand to his mouth, kissing his palms and then his wrists, and then again his mouth too.

"Want to come up to my room?" Suddenly his birthday wasn't so terrible. Adam had a way of just being present and making things okay.

"Can't." Adam retrieved the newspaper from the ground Ronan tossed away. He tucked it into his jeans pocket as Ronan was fingering the bracelet again. He wanted to do a lot more than kiss him. "Have somewhere to be," said Adam.

"Oh." Ronan soured a little. "You came all the way here for this?" He shook his wrist. The metal was ice against his skin.

"No, I came to get you." For good measure, Adam yanked at Ronan's shirt from underneath his jacket. "You're coming with me."

Ronan was suddenly made uncomfortable again. He thought the gift was the last of it. "Who fucking said I was going anywhere with you?" he said, taking a step away.

"Just get in the fucking car, Lynch." Adam wasn't interested in arguing anymore, still holding on to Ronan's shirt.

"What'll you give me if I don't?" Ronan would rather just stay here. Why was Adam pushing to leave?

"A kick in the ass," Adam said. Ronan couldn't tell if he was joking.

"You wouldn't--"

Adam walked around him and lightly tapped him in the ass with his sneaker. It was lighter than any shove he ever gave him. He was still reeling about the idea that this was his _boyfriend_. 

"Now get in the car, smartass," Adam sighed. He opened the driver's door. "We've got shit to do."

"This isn't how you should talk to your boyfriend." Ronan hesitated to make light of it, but Adam's face quickly spread out into a grin.

"It's how I've been talking to you for the last two weeks, punk," he said.

Ronan's heart was racing a little.

After he changed (twice), he told Matthew he was leaving and off they went. In the car, after some time, their hands slipped together entwined over the cup holders between them. If he looked close enough he could see the faint marks of Adam's hickies on his neck. He almost reached to touch them, but knew better than to do that while he drove.

"Where are you taking me?" he said. He noticed they were heading back toward Henrietta, but there were half a dozen places he could think of in this direction they could go.

"It's a surprise," said Adam. With his one hand on the wheel he turned at an intersection. Ronan looked out the window a moment, then over at him. The late autumn sun hit him well enough in the face it illuminated all his freckles just right. His eyes were dazzling blue as always.

"I hate surprises," he mumbled, slouched in his seat. He noticed Adam drove stiffly, probably because he didn't drive very often. He wondered if he knew how to drive a stick.

"Wouldn't have guessed." Adam noticed him staring and he fleetingly met eyes with him, smirking.

Boyfriend.

The word sounded dreamy when he thought of it now, not quite real. Even though Adam looked happy, Ronan noticed his smile wasn't quite at full volume. It was because of him, he thought, and how much of an asshole me made of himself only earlier. He tried not to think about, failing. After a long moment, he stared out the window. They had no music on, so all he could hear was the sound of cars whizzing by opposite them, and a few that went around them on the highway.

"I probably don't have to worry," he said, seeing the speed limit sign and matching it with the mph on Adam's car. "We're not going to get there in time, whatever it is. You drive slower than my grandmother."

Adam scoffed. "I drive the _speed limit_."

"Shower than my grandmother," Ronan repeated. 

"You're a dick," Adam said fondly.

"But I'm _your_ dick." He sat straight, red faced. "That came out wrong."

At that, Adam laughed a dangerous laugh, to the point he had to pull over as his eyes welled up with tears from how much he found Ronan's comment funny. He always laughed hardest when he said something dumb. 

While Ronan was still trying to come down from the heat of embarrassment, Adam didn't look to be relenting any time soon with his laughter. Ronan desperately wanted him to stop, and so he grabbed at his hoodie's zipped and tugged him forward, inclining his chest over the center console to angle into Adam. They kissed until Adam's laughter was but a faint memory, and when Adam's hand came to cup at his unshaven cheek Ronan's eyes opened at something shining against his eyelids. Behind Adam and through the window, he made out a sign across the highway. An advertisement of some sort. He moved his head to see it better, and as a result ended the kiss. Adam chased his lips a moment, visibly dumbfounded he stopped. His attention averted to where Ronan's was, and then he was looking back at Ronan with a judgmental gaze.

"You in?" Ronan asked, eyebrows elevated high. He was sharply aware it would cost money, but he was more than willing to pay as penance for being an asshole earlier. Besides, it was his birthday after all.

Adam looked over again. He looked less enthused. "Really?"

Ronan could only grin wider.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam felt strange wearing a paper like jumpsuit and goggles. He felt even weirder that Ronan seemed so excited to do this. But what he felt weirdest about was that Ronan didn't realize they were in a relationship until an hour ago.

He understood his anger to a point earlier, and then understood it completely when it dawned on him Ronan didn't know that Adam thought they were officially dating. It hurt him that Ronan spent this entire past week with the idea they were, what, fooling around? "Talking"? Whatever it was people called not-quite-dating these days. Adam wished there was a way he could tell Ronan that with Ronan it was never going to be half way. It was all or nothing, and he was currently giving it his all.

He couldn't allow himself to think of that now, however. They were about to play paintball with balloons filled with paint, and he was a competitive asshole who liked to win. He put his goggles on and stepped out from the changing stall into the daylight, finding Ronan in a similar getup and looking just as ridiculous.

"Nerd," Ronan said.

"You're wearing the same thing I am, asshole," said Adam. He stepped away when Ronan went to kiss him.

"None of that until after," he said. "I'm in this to win it."

Ronan snorted. "You're joking."

Adam shrugged. "I'm at the top of the class for a reason, Lynch. I want to be there. I fought to be there."

He pulled his goggles down over his eyes, and Ronan did the same. They looked like they were about to go swimming. He wondered what good these really did, but said nothing.

"How much was it?" Adam asked, as they made their way toward the entrance into the actual paintball park. They were each handed a basket of the paint filled balloons as they neared the gate.

"None of your business," said Ronan.

"It's your birthday," said Adam. While it wasn't customary in _his_ family, he knew it was customary in many that people didn't pay for things on their birthdays.

Ronan paused them both before entering into the paintball park.

"It was my idea to come here," he said. "And I was a jerk before."

"So I should expect you to pay every time you're a jerk now?" Adam said as a joke. Ronan looked to want to smile, but didn't. "I'll never pay for a thing again if that's the case."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "You think you're so funny, Einstein."

Adam leaned into him a little as they listened to the instructions and rules of the game. No getting paint in mouths or eyes. No hurting one another physically. No tripping or kicking. The list went on. Adam only wanted to spend the afternoon with Ronan, in a much quieter setting than this, but one look at Ronan and he could see the joy this already brought him, and any indecision he may have had to play was gone. He reached and kissed him on the cheek before they went in.

"For luck," he said.

"I don't need luck," Ronan replied coolly. "But thanks."

The gate opened and inside they went. Immediately they split off to hide, buckets in hand. Adam felt alive. His heart was beating fast, wickedly all he could hear as it pulsed in his ears. He scattered from Ronan to a low crouch, eyeing the area quick to get his bearings.

They were in a strange hay bale arena outside in the cold, gated off in the distance to protect it from wild animals and probably kids that came with their own paint. It had random plastic tubes sprawled out amongst the hay, to crawl and climb through randomly. The bales of hay were already splattered to hell with paint already, from countless games previous.

Adam heard movement to his right, or was it his left and he only heard it from his right because of his ear? He turned quick to the right anyway, and promptly ducked as Ronan threw a balloon at him. He ran off to hide again, heart beating even faster. This was exhilarating.

Ronan disappeared again, but he became easier to spot when Adam started placing where it was he last saw him. He spotted his head bobbing around the colorful splotches of hay and tubes, the piles not quite tall enough to block him. He crawled over to the tube next to Ronan, quiet and slow as the ground was both old grass and loose pieces of hay.

He crawled through the tube, which was glowing red and see through, able to see Ronan still where he was. Steadily he crawled back out the other side, and moved slow moved to the hay bale Ronan was leaning back against. He held his breath as he reached close, and then came and jumped to his feet, surprising Ronan with a dunk of a balloon on Ronan's head. Adam won, and he felt the thrill of it course through him like a very specific kind of shiver.

Having lost, Ronan grimaced as pink paint pooled down his head and onto his face and his neck.

"No!" he shouted, swiping the paint off his face.

Adam grinned. "I win!"

Ronan moved to smear the paint on Adam's cheek but he held his hand off before Ronan could touch him.

"No one said anything about first hit is the winner," Ronan countered, sounding a little dejected. "That would mean it's over."

Adam thought about it and he agreed. The rush of the win was still filling him. "The one with the most hits?" he offered.

"Deal." And Ronan then threw a paintball at Adam’s face. It got on his goggles, immobilizing him because he couldn't see. He yelled, "Hey!" as he swiped off his glasses with his fingers.

Ronan laughed and ran away. Adam gave chase, half blind. He reached into the bucket that had a strap around his neck, and threw another balloon at Ronan. It struck Ronan in the leg, but barely. Ronan threw one back and missed. As Adam ducked behind a wall of hay, he lost sight of Ronan, and when he peeked back out he was gone.

"You're a cheater!" he called out.

"There were no set rules to this," Ronan laughed, in a sing song voice that both enticed Adam and irritated him. His voice echoed through the space. Ronan was good at this, but Adam was practical.

It wasn't long after that he found him again and raced forward. The surprised look on Ronan's face that quickly twisted into wonder and excitement made it fun to not play it so safe.

They continued to chase one another hitting and missing and hitting and missing. At one point Ronan was chasing Adam, and another it was back to Adam chasing Ronan. It wasn't cold any longer as adrenaline filled their veins, though the sky was loosing its brightness to the thick, dark clouds of rain. Adam's only concern was winning, and how at the end he planned his prize to be Ronan, preferably somewhere where he could take his shirt off.

The thought was distracting, and again he lost him as Ronan turned a corner around a wall of hay, and when Adam turned that same corner found him disappeared.

There was a wet sensation on his ankle as he looked around, and he looked down to find Ronan had ducked down into one of the tubes at his feet. He had gotten paint on his leg.

"Asshole!" He laughed, and Ronan slid out the other side and away. Adam wasn't quick enough to throw a balloon at him, and he didn't like to waste them unless he was sure he had the shot. He chased after him again.

This went on for ages. They were the only ones there. Adam had other plans in mind for their afternoon, yet here they were, and while he knew the other plans could've been enjoyed just as easily, this was very much a Ronan thing to do. And he found he loved doing anything with Ronan, especially things like this. Being a teenage boy with his teenage boyfriend, doing dumb shit together just to laugh and smile.

After a while, Adam was down to his last balloon. He did some calculations throughout the game, and knew Ronan was down to his last as well. Evenly matched, they were.

He was searching for him again, this place intentionally built to lose someone easily. He hadn't heard him crack a joke or say something like the smart ass he was in ages. It was only the last stretch that Ronan took this seriously it seemed, and now he had to use his stealth again to find him.

He tiptoed around carefully, stealing sneaky looks around corners and behind him. Ronan was pretty good at hiding, but Adam found him anyway.

He spotted his goggles sticking up behind a bale of hay, knowing he put them on his forehead instead of wearing them properly after Adam got him in the face.

Taking the risk of getting hit too, Adam charged after the bale of hay and when he was close threw his last balloon at the goggles, only to realize too late that's all they were. The goggles weren't attached to Ronan anymore.

He stood there confused.

Then he heard Ronan cry out, and he barely turned before he was suddenly on him, grabbing him from behind and lifting him up off the ground. His feet dangled in the air as Ronan laughed into his good ear. He could feel both their hearts racing as Ronan spun them around once.

The back of his neck was wet and not from kissing, sticky as the paint from his last balloon started descending down his back and under his shirt. Good thing they said the paint was washable, but he still quivered uncomfortably.

Adam was released from Ronan's grip after that, and when his feet touched the ground he spun around to find Ronan beaming at him, colored in splotches of pink and green and blue and the entirety of the rainbow. Adam probably looked just as colorful. His smile was so bright. It was like the sun shone through him like a beacon.

"I win," Ronan said gleefully.

"We haven't tallied them up yet," Adam argued.

Ronan rolled his eyes. "Who _cares_?" His hands were stained every color possible as they pulled off Adam's glasses. He tossed them somewhere in the distance. "Wanna know how I won?"

Adam was too busy calculating Ronan's paint spots versus his to notice Ronan's hands moved to his body. One hand fingered his hip while the other unhooked the strap around his neck and released the empty basket to the ground. He kissed him like a sea breeze, slow at first and then pushing hard against his lips, his tongue flicking open Adam's mouth to extend the kiss further than chaste.

Before he could do anything about it they were falling into a loose pile of hay, Adam pinned beneath Ronan's sturdy hold. Ronan laughed into the kiss. Giddy like a kid. Adam lost track of the number.

"I think you lost," he said breathily. Ronan's hands were kneading into his sides. "For someone who's so good at tennis you have terrible throwing aim."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "You really are competitive," he said. There smears of green across his cheeks still tacky from one of Adam's later throws. "Remind me never to play Monopoly against you."

Adam smiled warmly at him, stroking the paint with the back of his thumb. "I'm pretty good at Monopoly actually," he said.

"Surprise surprise." Ronan bent down and kissed him again.

"Happy birthday, Ronan," Adam whispered against his kisses.

It sparked Ronan to peel back just enough to look at him. He smiled wickedly above him, like a child that won an enormous prize. Adam felt like he won something, too. "Thank you," he said, softer than his other words, and he bent down again to kiss him. His kisses were tender and unhurried, but bountiful. Adam felt them in more than his lips.

It was then it started to rain.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

St. Agnes was closer than where Adam initially planned to take Ronan. Even if it weren't, they were a mess of wet and stained. He drove them to his apartment and unthinkingly said nothing but walked inside. It wasn't until they were upstairs did he realize he invited Ronan to his home for the first time without so much as a "Would you like to come up?"

He swallowed as Ronan took everything in, from his secondhand furniture that was falling apart to his bed that had no frame, just a mattress on the floor. But he knew Ronan, knew it didn't matter to him. He looked to be nervous, too, as their eyes fell on each other and he blushed when he noticed the bed behind Adam. They kissed on Ronan's bed, but this was different. He didn't live with anyone. They were guaranteed to be alone. He shivered.

"Do you want to shower first?" Adam asked. They were a mess, their clothes stained, their skin stained. The suggestion of a shower made Ronan fidget with the bookshelf next to him, touching at one of the toy cars he managed to salvage from his old room when he moved. He made the wheels go forward and back, ears visibly red even under all that paint.

"No, you go ahead," he said.

"You sure?" Adam lifted his brow at Ronan, who couldn't look at him. He was a little heart warmed at how nervous he was to be in here. It was probably similar to how he felt in Ronan's house, the first time he was in his bedroom.

"Just don't use up all the hot water, Parrish," Ronan replied, chastising. He didn't sound as sardonic as he usually did. The edge of his words was softened more than it already had been since they started this.

"I can't guarantee that." He inched toward him with certainty, crossing the room to him until they were touching again. He removed Ronan's hands from the car and placed them on him instead. "There's not much to begin with."

Ronan shrugged. Finally, his eyes found Adam's in the dark of the room. "I really don't care," he said. His hands moved into Adam's hair, which was crunchy and disgusting from the paint, but he lost his fingers in it anyway. "All your freckles are gone because of this stupid fucking paint. Go wash it off, Parrish."

Adam rolled his eyes. "So bossy," he said.

Showering while knowing Ronan was right outside his bathroom was strange. Changing while knowing Ronan was just outside his bathroom was strange. Knowing Ronan was just outside his bathroom was strange. He tried to be quick in the shower, but scrubbing the paint off his skin took longer than he anticipated. He rubbed his skin raw and red until there was no paint left. It came out easier in his hair, which he had to shampoo twice for the effort. It felt like a waste but he had so much fun he accepted that it cost him a little. The kiss in the rain was the peak of it, in all its cheesy teen film glory. Blue was going to go wild about it when he told her.

Adam came back out to the rest of his apartment fully dressed, releasing all the steam out of the bathroom with him. He was drying his hair with his one good towel, watching Ronan looking through the few books he spared on his bookshelf.

When Ronan stood straight at his presence, Adam awkwardly realized that the towel he used was his only towel. It was damp as he offered it to Ronan.

"I only have one," he said, feeling exposed as he handed it off. Ronan took it from him without even expressing any disgust at its dampness. He held it appreciatively instead.

"You mean you don't buy in excess and end up never using half your towels anyway?" Ronan threw the towel across his shoulder. "I'm shocked."

"Shut up," but Adam was smiling a little. He looked toward his dresser and then back to Ronan in his speckled clothes. "Do you need to borrow some clothes?" he asked.

Ronan's eyes followed the same path Adam's did, down his shirt which was colored with flecks of red and yellow and blue, and then further down where his jeans now had hints of green.

"Trying to say something, Parrish?" he said.

"Yes, you wear too much black." Adam started walking to his dresser. He was sure something fit Ronan, if only enough for today. "Liven up your wardrobe. You can afford to."

Ronan snorted behind him. "It's not black anymore," he said. "I'm colorful today."

"Don't want you staining anything," Adam said over his shoulder. He found an old shirt from his old high school gym class. It probably fit with Ronan's slightly longer torso. "I really don't mind. We're the same size, for the most part."

Before Ronan said anything he fished out his work pants, which were known to be baggier on him, and he extended them and the shirt out to Ronan who still stood by the bookshelf with the towel draped over both shoulders now.

"The jeans might be small, though," he said.

Ronan had an unspecified expression on his face as he took the clothes. His eyes cast down at them, feeling over the Mountain View logo on his gym shirt.

"Thanks," he said.

"Just remember to give them back to me," said Adam. Work gave him two pairs of pants out of their pocket, and he didn't want to lose one and have to pay out of _his_ pocket to replace it.

"So bossy," Ronan parroted. A smile worked its way onto his face.

As Adam heard the shower turn back on in the bathroom, he settled in on his bed to study a little while he could. He was caught up on all his homework for the week except for English. These poems were going to be his death, he thought.

His phone vibrated as he heard Ronan curse poetically at likely the water temperature changing. He forgot to warn him.

 

**blue** : _dude..... where u at_

**adam** : _I texted you earlier we would be late_

**blue** : _ok yah i got that. but how much is later?_

**adam** : _not sure. I'll text u when we're on our way? it might be a while_

**blue** : _surprise surprise. tell the dweeb happy bday from me_

**adam** : _you'll see him soon_

**blue** : _just in case i don't :)_

 

His muscles were sore as he leaned back against the wall by his bed, smiling down at his phone as Blue sent three meme pictures, one of which had text that said "pretends to be shocked". He rolled his eyes at her, but he couldn't stop smiling.

Eventually he heard the shower go off, and not long after Ronan came out, his shoulders still a little wet. He walked across the room to him barefoot, leaving wet puddled footprints on his wake.

"Did you even use the towel?" Adam asked.

Ronan shrugged and tossed it at him. It struck him in the face and knocked his poetry book out of his hands. "You tell me."

"Oh, gross!" But Adam was laughing as he threw the towel on the floor. He would wash it tonight, he reminded himself. Ronan sat across from him on the floor, back against a pillar that stuck out of the center of the room. The shirt rode up his stomach as he sat, too small for him. His slacks seemed to fit well enough though.

Adam noted his reluctance to sit beside him on his bed, same as he did in his own room, and he waved him over.

"There's enough room in this bed for two," he said. There wasn't really. It was a smaller mattress than Ronan's, but they could make do.

Before he even moved to give Ronan space, Ronan crossed over to sit on the bed beside him, sitting far enough apart nothing touched. Adam turned to him, moved so their knees bumped, something solid for comfort. It was then he noticed Ronan's eyes shifting downward to his hands, lips pursing to speak but nothing coming out. Adam sensed something was a little off, and he reached for one of his hands the way Ronan so often reached for his. An offer of touch, of support. Ronan's gaze lifted up to his.

"How long have we been boyfriends?"

Adam would've laughed if Ronan didn't look so sad. He began to play with Adam's hands, thumbing the center of his palms.

"Since we kissed," Adam answered. "Since you told me you liked my freckles. Since you introduced me to the Barns. I don't know. Somewhere in there." He tilted closer, but Ronan pulled back. "You really didn't think we were dating?"

"Don't rub it in."

His hands were dropped so Ronan could cover his face with his.

"Ronan."

Adam gently peeled them away. He stared at the boy in front of him, who if he tried he could probably write a poem on, about the gentleness in his heart under the sharpness of his exterior, how the two melted together like two metals, one strong and one soft.

"It's okay to ask those things," he said. "For future reference."

Not that he was planning on letting Ronan have the opportunity to ask anyone else.

"Yeah, okay," Ronan said mockingly. He dragged Adam forward by his wrists until they were practically in each other's laps. Adam inched forward and kissed at his cheeks, remembering how he cried earlier as he was yelling at him to leave. A little bit of Ronan untensed with each kiss, and more so as he moved to kiss at his nose, and then his eyelids, and then the corners of his mouth. When Adam kissed his lips, he was no longer tired, and Ronan was no longer straining to sit straight. He kissed him back, pushing into him, pushing until Adam was guided onto his back. His head softly hit his lumpy pillow, caged in by Ronan’s body, and he knew where this was probably going, but he allowed it anyway. Ronan's lips moved and started at his neck, biting and sucking harder than he had before. Before Ronan, Adam never received hickies in his life, and Ronan was incredibly good at giving them, as he continued trailing over Adam's neck and even across his throat. His lips made Adam's head spin, as he added to the collection of hickies that already currently occupied his skin. He pulled at Ronan's neck, dipping him forward and off to his left, where he hadn't yet touched. He softly moaned as Ronan shifted his whole body around to get closer and tighter.

"Fuck," he hissed, when Ronan's hands moved at his waist, ice against the skin just above his jeans.

His own moved to run through Ronan's shirt, coming up underneath to feel at his bare back. His short nails scraped across Ronan's skin, who reacted by gasping against his throat. The shock of air on his wet skin made him tingle.

His hands moved further up his back until his shirt was slipping up with his hands, feeling each muscle shift underhand as he moved against Adam in ways he didn't realize would feel so good.

Ronan pulled from him, to a kneeling position above, and Adam watched quietly as he lifted off his shirt. Shit. Adam's hand moved and stroked the bare skin freshly visible, feeling his racing heart underneath. He was beautiful, and when he smiled he was the sun again, warm and bright.

Ronan was likely going to be cold without his shirt, but he didn't seem to mind, as he returned himself to Adam's skin, lips on his neck and hands at his stomach. Adam made a groaning sound that came out too jagged to be stopped, embarrassing himself in the process. He spent too long untouched, and he was glad it was Ronan who was touching him.

Wordlessly Ronan moved even closer into him, spreading his legs apart to move into the space between. He pushed into his abdomen and below, and whether intentional or not, Adam sucked in a sharp breath between his teeth as he tilted into the feeling.

"Fuck," he repeated, and Ronan laughed into the hollow of his throat, vibrating his whole body with him.

Always, he was so gentle with him, so visibly soft inside and out more and more each day. He held him like he were something to be cherished, kissed him like he were showering him with something like love, gazed at him as if he was the only thing that mattered. Even now, he was so delicate, but not in the way that made Adam feel weak. He felt empowered and cared for, and he scraped his nails a little harder against Ronan's back in an effort to ask him for more.

Lately Adam was feeling something stronger than like, but he didn't know what it was or what it meant. All he knew was it made it hurt that much worse whenever he inevitably thought about losing him. He should've listened to his instincts that first time Gansey talked to him. Don't take the money. But who would he be now if he hadn't?

Fuck.

"We have somewhere to be," a voice said. It took him a while to realize it was his voice, spoken from some deep thought that raced to the tip of his tongue when his mind was going to darker places. He felt Ronan still above him, and then pull away enough to find his eyes in the shadowed room.

Adam's head cleared, but he hated that it had immediately. The wrecked look in Ronan's face made him powerless and powerful at the same time. Ronan continued to be a constant surprise as he tipped his head toward Adam's hand, which he hadn't even noticed was stroking Ronan's face.

Fuck fuck.

"I can't think of anywhere else I would rather be right now," said Ronan, without a hint of humor in his words. He kissed at Adam's palm, and then the space between his thumb and forefinger.

"One would almost believe you mean that," Adam said, quiet. He worried if he spoke too loudly the dream would end and he would wake up.

Ronan smiled down at him while rolling his eyes.

"I do mean it," he said, laughing just a little. "But we can stop if you want. If there's really somewhere we outta be."

Adam suddenly had no other plans. Nothing else mattered but this. Not right now. He shook his head as his hand found the warmth of Ronan's nape.

"No, come back," he said.

He ushered him back down, straight into his lips. Both hands came and touched at the fuzz of his hair, wondering what he would look like if he were to grow it out.

Somehow Ronan managed to pull his shirt up halfway, and Adam felt his warmed hands stroke the skin there, untouched by such gentle fingers. He shivered as he allowed Ronan to lift his shirt off completely. The bite of the cold air was alarming, but what was more so was the heat of Ronan's stomach pressing into his.

He was overwhelmed with feeling, with thought, with everything. His eyes fell closed as Ronan's mouth moved down past his throat and ghosted over his chest, slowly breathing down toward his stomach. When he nipped at Adam's hip, just above the line of his jeans, Adam bit his lip so as not to cry out. It was Sunday. People were probably praying, and dear god if Adam prayed he would be praying now too.

He ignored the rush of feeling to new places and dragged Ronan back up to kiss his lips, where he could so easily and happily get lost.

They were meant to have cake at Blue's house, as he didn't have a functioning oven here, only a stove. But they were clearly not going to make it to her house.

It was late when Adam texted Blue again, apologizing for not making it over. She told him not to worry, but he still felt bad.

Adam realized he should probably get the car back to her and drive Ronan home, but Ronan was lying beside him quiet.

The sun set a long time ago, and they had been lying in tranquil darkness for some time. For a while there, Ronan was brushing his fingers through Adam's hair, again and again, while kissing tenderly at his cheek. They grew too worn from the day to do much else anymore beyond small kisses, and after a while of heavily making out shirtless, they were drained.

In the calm of the evening, Adam ran a finger across Ronan's lips, as Ronan had dozed off at some point. He, himself, couldn't sleep, not after an afternoon like they had. He kept analyzing what it meant to be here, and how privileged he was to be. Having Ronan Lynch asleep in his bed alongside him, he couldn't think of a better way to spend his day than this.

Adam almost didn't want to wake him. He lay there brushing the back of his hand down Ronan's cheek, rough from a day gone without shaving. His knuckles grazed against the hair, watching Ronan move around under him in his sleep. He sleepily inclined into the touch, making small noises Adam memorized forever.

A hand was inside his shirt, warm against his stomach, while Ronan's was still removed. He could trace the outline of the tattoo along the edge of his back, noticing all the intricacies he didn't earlier.

Between them he felt his pocket vibrate, and he knew it was likely Blue asking about the car.

With effort, he peeled out from under Ronan carefully, against his better judgment. Ronan moaned and rolled over, blinking slowly.

"The fuck, Parrish," he hissed, voice worn from sleep.

"I should get you home," said Adam.

Instead, he ran a finger down the center of Ronan's back. His tattoo shifted underhand as his muscles spasmed.

"What time is it?" Ronan rubbed the heels of his palms to his eyes as he yawned.

"Dunno. Nine maybe."

"Still my birthday," Ronan mumbled merrily. He rolled back over and put his hand in Adam's lap. Adam looked down. His eyes followed the line Ronan's arm made in the dark, all the way to his searching eyes. He wondered if Ronan was asking him what he thought he was asking him. He wasn't ready for that.

Ronan's hand then moved to Adam's, but he was still looking up at him.

"Do you want to spend the night?" Adam gulped. It just came out, but he had wanted to ask him all afternoon.

Ronan twisted around so he could put his head in Adam's lap, staring straight up at him from below.

"I don't have my uniform here," he said.

It was mildly disappointing he came up with any reason not to stay, but Adam usually was the practical one between them, and it was a practical thing to say, even though what he really wanted to hear right now was yes.

Adam traced the curves around Ronan's chest and stomach. He grabbed at Ronan's skin, which was hotter than it should be in this cold. Ronan hissed, but it sounded like he liked it.

"What, you don't want to go to school naked tomorrow?" Adam said amused.

"As much as I admire my physique, I don't think Mr. Bouford would find it very funny if I showed up with my ass out, although I have wanted to moon him several times." Ronan's lips twisted into an impish grin. He was a child.

"If I dropped you off at home, you could grab some stuff, and meet me at Blue's." Adam spent the hour Ronan was napping mapping the whole thing out in his head. "I have to drop the car off at hers. And there's one last surprise for you there."

"I don't need anything else," Ronan said grumpily.

"Too bad."

Ronan arched his shoulders against Adam's leg, and he was curious if Ronan was ever going to say yes.

"Tomorrow's a school day, you know," Ronan reasoned.

"Yes, I'm very aware." Adam was getting annoyed.

"Wouldn't you rather be studying?"

Adam bent down and kissed him, both hands now feeling at Ronan's naked abdomen. Ronan reached up and put both of his in Adam's hair. Adam ended the kiss before he almost took his shirt off again.

"Come on, Lynch," he said, and he gestured for him to sit up. "Get your ass into gear."

Below him he could make out Ronan's raising brow. "You've been talking about my ass a lot today," he said. "Starting to think you like it or something."

Adam barely allowed himself to register the comment as he pulled up from the bed.

"Just shut up and put on your shirt, Lynch," he said with a huff.

Ronan snickered as he rose up to his knees, to look for his shirt somewhere in the mess of Adam's sheets.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

If it weren't for the numbing cold, Ronan would've been sure he was still asleep and today was a heaping mess of dreams. But no, Adam was really there kissing him in his bedroom as Chainsaw tried to peck at his shirt. His dirtied clothes at the foot of his bed really did come from paintball. The scratches on his back really did come from this afternoon. He could hardly contain his happiness as Adam left first, walking so casually out the door as if he didn't just completely change Ronan's world.

Adam left behind a small half decent blue origami bird in his wake, sitting on the bed where he once sat. He wondered if he made it or he found it or what, but he didn't have the time to stop and ask.

Ronan stuffed his school bag with clothes for tomorrow and followed after him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, dork," he promised Chainsaw. He gave her a kiss goodnight. She didn't look pleased about it.

At Blue's he could now see why it was Adam was so adamant about getting him here.

Outside her house as they pulled up, he caught sight of her on the porch with Gansey and Noah and Henry. Ronan scowled at Adam as he walked from Blue's parked car to his. He didn't want this.

Adam reached into the truck and touched his cheek. The skin contact eased his irritation only a little.

"Come on," he said. "Five minutes. What's the worst that can happen? You enjoying yourself?"

"Me driving home and leaving you here," Ronan corrected.

"That wouldn't be very boyfriendly of you," Adam said plainly. He removed his hand from Ronan's face.

Every time Adam said that word, Ronan softened. He found himself unbuckling his seatbelt, and Adam opened the door to let him out.

This was the first time they were this open in front of anyone except Blue. He caught Gansey staring as they neared them, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder. Noah elbowed him until his mouth shut.

Quietly his friends celebrated by the porch under its soft light. They lit candles on a cake for him, which Ronan blew out after a couple tries. His mouth was dry from all the nerves.

For his birthday wish, he didn't know what to wish for. What he wished for last year was half reality now, the other part he was starting to cope without. He kissed the former, who stiffened for a second from surprise. He was quick to warm to the kiss, however, and returned it in full. It was a chaste kiss compared to those they shared in private, and when he pulled away Adam was smiling at him in a way that heated him on the inside.

Everyone else was staring, and he cleared his throat, trying not to let the overwhelmed sensation of pink in his face get to him. His hand found the small of Adam's back as all his friends were staring at him.

"So, Adam," Henry started, "is it true you were the one who pushed Tad the hag in the pool at his party?"

Ronan and Adam exchanged a look. When Adam told him he did, Ronan was so impressed, but he knew he didn't want everyone knowing about it.

"Don't ask-" Ronan started.

"Yes, I did," Adam said, reluctant but a little bit prouder than when he told Ronan.

Ronan caught his eye again and felt proud too. Tad was a piece of shit and deserved worse than being thrown in a pool.

"Alright!!" Henry reached for a high five. Adam high fived him, and then fist bumped Noah. He was smiling almost as full as he would if they were alone.

Progress.

They talked to Adam as if he were always a part of the group, and Blue as well. The two looked at one another a few times, saying things to each other only they understood. Adam would then lean into Ronan and make him feel that same importance. The cake was terrible, but he didn't care. It was made with the intention of making him happy, and it did its work tenfold.

They sat outside on the porch until Maura came out, half asleep and in pajamas.

"All of you have school tomorrow," she said. "Now I don't wanna be that mom, but go home."

Blue stood up quick and looked to her mom with guilt. "Sorry, Mom," she said.

They soon scattered after that. Noah invited Adam over for video games sometime, and Henry asked Adam to speak at some school event. Gansey and Adam exchanged small smiles but said nothing else to each other.

Progress.

On the drive back to St. Agnes, Adam rested his head on Ronan's shoulder, half asleep already.

"Thank you for today," he said.

Adam shrugged. "Of course. It's your birthday."

He said it so matter of factly when he knew the lengths Adam must have gone to do all that he did. The work he must have switched, the money he wasn't making for Ronan's benefit, the time off from studying, the exchange of dialogue with his friends.

"No, I mean thank you for that too," he said. "But thanks for being nice to my friends. I know you don't like Gansey-"

"I never said that," Adam interjected.

"Adam." He couldn't look at him but he suspected he was frowning, brow twisting on his forehead.

Adam sighed. "We'll get there eventually," he said after a long while of silence. "Just need time. Noah and Henry are nice, though."

"Yeah," he agreed.

Adam's hand rested at Ronan's thigh. He said nothing else and they just drove.

It was alarming how easily they fell into place in Adam's bed. Ronan awkwardly changed in the bathroom into his pajamas. Adam changed too in that time he was in there. His heart was racing as Adam's shirt was off again. It didn't take long before Ronan's was off too. They kissed well into the night. Ronan was worked up as Adam pressed into him. He wanted sex but he wasn't ready. He could feel hesitancy too in Adam's touches, going close but not far enough to suggest it. He thanked god for that as Adam nibbled at his ear.

He swallowed hard as he felt Adam between his thighs, hands searching at his bare waist. This was everything. They were going to be totally wrecked for school tomorrow, but he couldn't give a fuck.

"Adam," he said, voice scratching his throat.

"Yeah?" Adam breathed hard against his neck. He was pretty sure he was going to have a ton of hickies tomorrow. He grinned thinking about it. He couldn't wait to subtly show them off to Tad.

"Are you doing anything for Thanksgiving?"

Adam pulled his head back.

Ronan felt lightheaded.

He could barely make out the shape of Adam's head in the dark, let alone see his reaction, but he sensed he was staring down at him with wide eyes. Something about the way his brow felt as he ran a finger along it.

"Why?" said Adam. He could hear the alarm crackle in his voice like thunder.

"Did you want to come to Thanksgiving with my brothers and I? I'm like the only decent cook in the family-"

"So the food will suck?"

Ronan groaned. He was nervous. The dark alleviated some of his fear because he couldn't see, but he still felt the shake in his words. He only thought of it now, but at the same time it had been in the back of his mind since Adam kissed him.

"Never mind." He cowered. "I'm uninviting you."

Hands were at his stomach, but he curled it away from their touch.

"Oh, come on." Adam tried to rouse him, but he wasn't having it. "I was kidding."

Ronan put his hand down and felt like squirming away to get out from under Adam.

"Your jokes are shit, Parrish," he grumbled. "I don't know why I asked. Your cooking is probably as terrible as fucking Declan's. Can't even making toast for shit's sake."

"Ronan." Adam sounded upset now too. He reached in the dark for Ronan who tried to move away from his hand until it found his face. There, he bent down and pressed his forehead to Ronan's. He wasn't letting him disappear so easily. He shut his eyes even though he couldn't see.

"Ronan," Adam repeated. His voice sounded throatier. "Are you really that upset about a joke?"

Ronan had to search within himself not to say something clever at him. He grunted. Adam didn't move, and he tightened his already closed eyes as Adam's breath fanned his face.

"Did you think I was going to say no?" Adam whispered.

Ronan's stomach was in knots. He felt nausea building up inside.

"You can't say no if you aren't invited," he said.

"I'd like to go." Adam inclined his head closer. Ronan's eyes remained shut.

"Well, that's too fucking bad," he said. "You aren't invited."

There was silence and he could just tell Adam was rolling his eyes at him. He rolled off Ronan, who suddenly felt very cold.

"Fine," Adam said curtly.

He rolled over to give Ronan his back. Ronan rolled onto his side facing away from him, too. He couldn't tell who he was more annoyed at, Adam for whatever sparked his annoyance, or himself for letting it work him up this much. Upon reflection, he knew it was likely himself he was angrier with, and so he rolled over to face him. Adam's back was still to him, and with his luck he probably fell asleep. His arms came up and around him, as he pressed his front into Adam's back, spooning him. He pressed his face into Adam's hair, inhaling it, and he kissed at the edge of his jaw.

"You can be such a stubborn asshole, you know," Adam hissed. He was awake.

"So can you," Ronan replied coolly, mouthing the words against his lips.

"Ha!" Adam still sounded upset. "When?"

"Let me count the ways..."

"No, don't." Adam sounded like he was gritting his teeth. He heard him breathe out through his nose. 

"I really would like you to be there," Ronan admitted. Boyfriend or not, he was nervous about asking him these things. Everything was still so new and raw. He waited for Adam's reply, holding him in the quiet of the dark.

Adam was silent longer than he liked, and he started to get scared he wasn't going to say he wanted to come. He pulled his hands back, and then felt Adam grab them again, pulling him close again.

"I would like to go."

"Really?"

Adam rolled over and before Ronan could talk more about it, he snagged his lips. Between kisses he whispered, "Really," and and Ronan pulled back to reply.

"If you're going to suffer through a whole evening with my brothers, there's some shit I've got to prep you for."

Adam groaned. "Not now. It's the middle of the night."

"Oh, but you aren't tired enough for making out?" Ronan quipped.

"That's different," said Adam. "That's not boring."

Ronan gawked. Before he could say anything else, Adam laughed and reached for him again, kissing him some more.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Adam felt more awake and alive the next day even with what little sleep they had. They went to school together, and Adam never felt this excited to go to school.

On their walk to class, Adam silently reached and took Ronan's hand in his. Beside him, Ronan stared wide eyed, to which he replied with only a shrug. It was time he be allowed to brag about dating Ronan Lynch. He eventually needed to come to terms with the fact that he couldn't tread carefully anymore. He couldn't treat this like a fragile thing. Ronan was his boyfriend and he couldn't be afraid any longer. He didn't want to be.

"What time did you want me to come over for Thanksgiving?" Adam asked. He ignored several stares they received from fellow students.

Ronan was clearly not paying attention, watching them instead of listening to him. He was walking taller than usual, slouch gone. His smugness was palpable. Adam nudged him.

"What?" He winced when he realized he hadn't replied. "Oh. Uh, like two? Unless you're into football...."

Both of them laughed.

"Didn't fucking think so," Ronan smiled.

On their way to their lockers, they passed by Tad at his, who was staring at them as he was opening his locker door. He became so gobsmacked by the sight of them holding hands he opened the door into his face.

"Got a little locker on your face there, Carruthers," Ronan jeered.

Tad looked like he was going to burst a vein.

"I think he's going to have a stroke," Adam mused, watching him out of the corner of his eye in case he pounced on them. He didn't move from his locker, until he was swallowed up by the sea of students between them.

"God, he would do that, wouldn't he?" Ronan said. "Stealing our thunder."

Adam looked over at Ronan. "You're a dweeb," he said. Ronan lifted his chin up proudly at the remark.

They meant to part ways not long after that, with different first periods across the school. Adam hesitated leaving anyway, even though he was going to be late if he didn't. He held onto Ronan's hand just as Ronan took a step away from him. Ronan turned back and looked down between them where he hadn't let go.

"I've got places to be, people to insult." He tapped the tip of his boot to Adam's shoe. "You have to let go of my hand for that, Parrish. Separation anxiety?"

Adam moved into him and touched his chin with his thumb and forefinger, then leaned the rest of the way with the rest of his body and kissed him. It was a simple kiss, and Ronan reacted immediately, moving into him and accepting it fast as if it wasn't in front of half the school in the hallway.

Other students around them made sarcastic _woos_ and _oohs_. Adam and Ronan simultaneously raised their middle fingers to the passing crowd.

"I'll see you in English," he said when he stepped away.

"Fuck that." Ronan's voice was low and wicked. He moved the step back into Adam's space. "Let's just go make out in my car.

Adam rolled his eyes. "Bye, Lynch."

"You're really going to stiff me like that, Parrish?"

"Odd choice of words there," Adam cracked. He smirked when Ronan stammered and blushed.

"Dick," Ronan called after him through the growing crowd.

"There you go again!" Adam said. He was having fun. He felt so alive today. Like he could do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally the paint ball scene has arrived! lol. hope it didn't disappoint xx
> 
> next week: thanksgiving
> 
> i swear i really don't wanna write the dance chapter i'm just like AVOIDING IT lmfao
> 
> help
> 
> okay please comment and etc i love your comments they mean so much they really do. thanks for reading!!
> 
> tumblr - cabeswatergreywaren


	7. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He's just your first boyfriend," said Declan, and Ronan glared at him with his eyes narrowing more. "I just want to know about you two. Have you thought about your future together? College?"
> 
> "Well, I can't speak for Ronan," and Adam flashed a look his way, "but we just had sex in his truck before coming here, so I think we're just focusing on that for a while. But thanks for the topic suggestions. We never know what to say after sex, so I'll ask about college next time." He gave him a grin like the jackass he was, knowing full well he just let his frustration out and probably embarrassed Ronan in the process. 
> 
> Matthew made a weird embarrassed squeak by the door behind them, still not having had left, and Declan looked horrified.

"Do you even study for the quizzes? Do you even read the book?"

Ronan looked to be staring at Adam as if he insulted him, and he placed a hand to his chest as if he were horrified. Adam sat there, quiet and patient and annoyed, waiting until Ronan was done making fun of him for even asking such questions.

"Uh, barely," Ronan laughed. "I'm just good with it, I dunno." He shrugged.

Adam always found himself suspicious of Ronan's grade in the course, and since their relationship became more intimate and serious his suspicion only grew. He caught him with a book the other night when he stayed over, just as Adam got out of the shower, and he claimed he was just bored and perusing it out of morbid curiosity, but Adam was starting to know better about him.

A grin split across his face as he watched Ronan peel open his Latin textbook and read the scribbled notes he left in the linings of the pages. He glanced at one, and though it was upside down, he registered it was a phrase Adam quoted in class once a month back, one no one and not even their inept teacher recognized.

"You fucker," he said, and Ronan looked up, along with half the library's attendees around them. It was nearly finals time and everyone was studying in the library lately, including them. Adam lowered his voice, Ronan's interest still peaked, as he sat there confused. " _Dum inter homines sumus, colamus humanitatem_ ," Adam said, repeating the words Ronan had written down. He smiled, realizing in a truly delicious and dangerous way that the reason Ronan studied Latin at all was probably because of him. It was evidenced even in the way Ronan glanced down at his scribble and then back up, a flush of red creeping into his skin.

"Don't flatter yourself," he said. "I only studied to kick your ass in the class."

Adam knew that wasn't true in the least, and he smiled wistfully as he leaned across the table they sat, kissing him right there in front of everyone. It was the fifth time, he counted, and it wasn't going to be the last. At first it was a way of him taking that last final step into the relationship, when the first two weeks he held back with one foot out the door because he was so afraid. But he wasn't afraid anymore. He was happy.

Then, kissing Ronan anywhere on campus felt like a rebellion against all the assholes at school that called him names and treated him like shit. Because he was the one that got Ronan Lynch. He was happy with _him_. It felt implausible and dreamlike, but it was real, and kissing him in front of everyone at school made it that much more real. Ronan admitted sometimes he kissed him just to piss someone off as well, specifically Tad.

Tad's constant heart attacks every time Ronan intentionally kissed or touched him in front of him were only minor perks next to how content he felt inside.

" _Vitanda est improba siren desidia_ ," Adam said, as he peeled back to sit again in his chair across from Ronan. Ronan stifled a snort as he looked back at him.

"You calling me lazy, Parrish?" he said.

Adam shook his head. "One must avoid that wicked temptress, Laziness," Adam translated. "Yes, I am."

Ronan gently kicked at his foot under the table, which sparked Adam to snicker low under his breath. He smiled ferociously as Ronan's skin began to pinken again and he picked up his book to hide his face.

" _Serva me, servabo te_ ," Ronan recited.

Adam admittedly got chills when he spoke Latin with the correct grammar. "Save me and I will save you," he said. "Petronius Arbiter." Adam couldn't help but be a little impressed. Ronan was visibly amused, with his eyes showing just how much over the roof of his textbook.

"I'm not just a pretty face," he said. "Sometimes I use my brain."

"Shocker."

Again, Ronan gently kicked. Adam locked his leg between his and sat there smiling at a page describing adjective usage in a sentence.

They quietly went back to reading, occasionally piping up with phrases intended to stump the other, until a voice loomed overhead at their table just to Adam's right.

"Ah, the age old flirting through dead languages tactic," said Gansey. It startled Adam enough he accidentally squeezed Ronan's leg between his. He could see Ronan's silent reaction and he released him, embarrassed. "May I join you?" Gansey held up his Latin textbook as well. He had the class a different period than them, which Adam almost forgot. He didn't think about him much, when he could be thinking of more beneficial things than the guy who continually butted in at the worst times.

"Sure," Adam said, acting casual when really he was judging what he was doing here. Gansey sat a seat away from Adam, the table large enough for it, and Adam turned to stare at Ronan silently asking him if he did this. Ronan shrugged, and it was clear by his own reaction he really had no idea he was dropping by.

It turned out Gansey wasn't that great at Latin either, worse than the both of them, and as they talked Adam could start to see his charm and why it was Blue liked him so much. Since Ronan's birthday Adam was making more of an effort to accept him. If he wanted his relationship with Ronan to be long term he had to acknowledge that Gansey was his best friend, and he wasn't solely the dumbass that tried (and briefly succeeded, unfortunately) to buy Adam off.

He watched Ronan and Gansey's friendship displayed before him and it made sense why they were friends, when they weren't upset with one another and Gansey wasn't awkwardly and conspicuously tiptoeing around him. 

Things were looking up.

But then he got a text, from an unknown number asking to talk. Adam suddenly felt disturbed and looked around the library, wondering who was asking him this.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After school Adam requested to be dropped off at Nino's. He told Ronan he could walk to work from there and he really wanted some one on one time with Blue. Ronan looked to pout as they got in his truck, and Adam rolled his eyes.

"I'm seeing you tomorrow," he reasoned. "You can live with one afternoon away."

"Can I?" Ronan looked to try to make himself look like he was dying, which was really just making a strange face as he was driving. "I don't know."

Adam rolled his eyes. "You big baby." He shifted his bag from one side of him to the other, moving so he sat closer to Ronan despite it never being a good idea to sit so close. Ronan was already a bad driver, treating his truck sometimes as if it were a fancier sportier car, but he still clunkered down the road at a normal speed today, even slower as Adam's hand fitted into his. Adam almost joked they weren't getting to Nino's at this rate, but he really needed to be there, even though he couldn't tell Ronan why.

"Is there anything I can bring tomorrow?" He rested his head to Ronan's shoulder. Everything was slanted, and with it being bumpy, Adam was getting a little nauseous. He closed his eyes and winced. "I forgot to ask before."

"Yes, could you get the turkey and the potatoes and the stuffing?"

Adam opened his eyes to give Ronan a look. Ronan was smirking at him, and the smirk widened when he looked over.

"Seriously, no," he said. "I've got it covered. We have too much food as it is. If you want, bring something you like to drink. I'll drop by around noon."

"Sounds good."

Not long after they pulled into Nino's, and Ronan pulled into a parking space rather than linger at the front entrance. Adam turned to him as he did, watching him fiddle with the heating as an excuse not to look at him.

"I really can't come in?"

"No," Adam said, rolling his eyes. No matter how persistent Ronan was going to be, he wasn't going to let him follow him in today. He touched strategically at Ronan's cheek, a thumb grazing over his lips. "Go do your homework," he said.

"That sounds like torture," said Ronan.

He bent forward and kissed Adam goodbye, the kiss mulling them both over until tomorrow. Adam had grown used to him spending the night, making out in the dark of his room, exploring his hands in places that were once off limits. He sighed, both content and disappointed with himself. He could feel Ronan's bracelet against his neck. It was the only one he wore lately, having taken the others off. It startled him at his throat, cold and metal.

"See you tomorrow," said Adam, pretending he didn't just want to text back to the stranger on his phone _fuck off_. But he was curious, unfortunately so. They got his number from somewhere. Not even anyone at school besides Ronan had his number, as far as he knew. He could've easily ignored them but they said please in their text as they asked to meet him.

"Yeah." Ronan's voice was rough around the edges. Adam gently patted his cheek. "You suck, Parrish."

"Fine, no making out tomorrow then if you're going to be this way." Adam moved to get out and Ronan grumbled.

"You wouldn't."

Adam shrugged, and he shut the door. "You'll just have to wait and see." He wasn't going to pretend that this wasn't fun, even though he was very much aware he wasn't going to go through with it. If the option presented itself to be kissing Ronan, he would choose it every time.

"Asshole," Ronan called out his window. Adam waved him on.

Inside, Blue was moving through the booths toward the back with a pile of dirty dishes. She stared after Adam as he came in, expecting to see Ronan trailing behind him as always.

"Did he become invisible or something?" she said.

"He's not coming today." Adam settled in a booth near the front and dumped his bag next to him. Blue's eyes went a little wide in surprise. "Don't say anything," he added quick, commenting on her lack of subtlety.

"You two in a fight?" she asked. Adam shook his head at her.

"Just wanted to spend some time with you," he replied.

"Aw." Blue smiled a little and then frowned. "That's bullshit." She moved into his booth, but then must have remembered the cumbersome pile in her hands, and she staggered back. "Hold on."

As she disappeared into the back, Adam leaned against the cold pleather of the booth. He looked over at a couple kissing in another booth and he longed for Ronan, but he needed the space from him this afternoon. He needed to study, and he wanted to see who was texting him, and he really did want to see Blue without getting easily distracted. It had been a while.

Eventually Blue came and sat down across from him in the booth, presenting two sodas, and a slice of pizza for Adam. He wasn't hungry.

"What's really going on?" Blue asked. She sipped from her drink as she stared at him, unblinkingly waiting for him to speak. He ducked his head. There were things he wanted to talk to her about in person for a while, and he was using this afternoon as an excuse to be able to say them. He picked at the pepperoni on the cheese, pulling one off to eat it.

"I... I really like Ronan," he said.

"Way to state the obvious," Blue snorted. She sipped more of her soda, while Adam left his untouched. 

"I feel sick knowing there's this big secret about how everything started," he confessed.

"Hey..." Blue reached and grabbed his hand across the table. He avoided looking up. "You couldn't have known that you would actually start dating him."

He shrank back.

"That's no excuse," he said. "I shouldn't have done it."

"You can't change that now, but you _can_ try to put it past you. You're not getting paid anymore. You didn't even spend the money." Adam grimaced, at the reminder and the word itself. "I would know. It's still under my bed."

Finally he looked up at her, guilt ridden.

"I'm sorry," he replied. He allowed her to take his hand again.

"Hey, no," she said, snappish. "Don't be sorry." She sat up a little, lifting her chin. "I feel kind of cool with a bunch of money under my bed."

"You can have it," Adam grumbled, less enthused.

"It's your money."

"It's Gansey's, and I don't want it," Adam clarified. "It's tainted."

He buried his face in his hands on the table, moaning against his arms.

"I feel like I betrayed him in some way," he called out. He felt a flick of fingers at his ear, to gain his attention in the strangest Blue way possible. She flicked again when he didn't lift his head.

"Stop beating yourself up, Adam," she said, when finally he gave in and looked at her. "You're an amazing guy who made one small mistake that gave you an accidental boyfriend who you're really happy with. While I am still in shock it's because of Ronan, I've never seen you happier. It's been nice. But you don't owe him the truth."

"Don't I?"

"No, because as far as I'm concerned this is Gansey's fault," said Blue. "I love him, but god he can be obtuse."

Adam sat up again, hands in his hair, aware he was wasting food by not eating the pizza. He grabbed for it same time as he spoke.

"I appreciate you agreeing that Gansey's obtuse, but I still took the money," he said, "and regardless of whether I was interested in him at the time or not, this still started on the back of something unseemly."

He took a bite of his slice, hot against the roof of his mouth. It dulled his senses for just a moment, long enough he could come down from the ledge he was standing on. He didn't want to get so deeply emotional like this, here, now. But with Blue he knew he would always be in a safe space to share.

"You're not... thinking of telling him, are you?" asked Blue.

"I don't know."

Blue squeezed his hand again. "I don't want to see you getting your heart broken," she said.

He set his pizza down and grabbed a napkin, wiping his hands on it and then his mouth. It wasn't enough to make him feel less shitty. The pizza sat at the base of his stomach like a rock.

"I don't either...." He took a deep breath, "but I don't want to break his."

Before he realized what was happening, Blue came around the booth to sit on his side of it, and she hugged him with her face buried against his shoulder. He leaned into her, arms coming up around her back to return the hug in full. He didn't mean to come here for this at all. He meant to catch up, say hi, explain to her in person why it was he wasn't coming to Thanksgiving and maybe ask her tips with how to handle a boyfriend's family.

"I have a feeling you didn't come here for this," said Blue, somehow always on the same wavelength as him. Her voice was muffled with her mouth against his Aglionby sweater. She pulled back to look him the eye as she added, "Am I right?"

"I'm meeting someone here," he confessed. Her eyebrows came together.

"Who?"

"That's the thing." He settled in the seat away from her a few inches, separating them enough he could see again at the door. "I don't know. They texted asking to meet me, to talk. Said it was important and related to Ronan. I picked a safe public space to meet them."

"This isn't very public," Blue mused. "Barely anyone here."

While that was true, the place was deader than usual because of the cold, preferring delivery to dine in these days.

"You're here," he said. She smiled but rolled her eyes at the same time.

The front entrance's little bell then rang as the door swung open, and Adam turned his head to the sound, surprised but not at who walked in. It was Matthew Lynch.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"All this secrecy to ask me to ask your brother to winter formal?"

Adam was getting deja vu as he sat across from Matthew at the booth. Matthew wasn't offering anything, unlike Gansey, but he was asking him to do something to his relationship with Ronan for the sake of someone else. It felt inescapable, the reminder of how this all began.

Matthew was nice enough, but he had to realize this was inappropriate, right? It made him ill, or maybe that was the pizza.

"He hates dances," Matthew said. Adam nodded, aware and in agreement. They were absurd and he didn't even own a suit and why go through all that trouble for a few bad pop songs and someone to spike the punch? Tad's party was more enjoyable than the dance would be, and he loathed the party atmosphere too.

"I hate dances," Adam said.

Matthew rolled his eyes. "Then you're perfect for each other," he said. "But you could still have fun."

"I'm good."

"Seriously?" Matthew looked to be gobsmacked. "I've never met someone who hated dances before."

Adam ran a finger around the plastic of his soda cup. "Now you've met two."

"You're just as annoying as Ronan!"

Adam flinched. He hadn't expected Matthew to yell at him.

"Hey." Blue came by, looking official with her order taking pad and pen, with a look of annoyance in her eyes. She didn't need to protect him. Matthew was just being a lovelorn teenager, and meant no harm by raising his voice. "You gonna order something?"

Matthew looked between the two of them, and then sighed, shaking his head.

"No," he said glumly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He sounded disappointed as he stormed out, leaving Adam to come to the realization none of this was going to leave him alone.

That night he was studying for his various finals, while texting Ronan at the same time. Multi tasking at its finest. He learned he could study better this way. When Ronan was physically present he made it rather difficult, for obvious reasons.

Ronan was bragging about how he had finished his poem, and Adam was trying to persuade him to share. Adam, himself, had only three measly lines of one.

 

_oceans of blue_

_crystal and clear as the sky_

_they drown me_

 

He didn't like the assignment anymore, if he ever really did. Rarely did he think assignments were dumb or pointless, but he felt that about this one. When was he ever going to utilize this in real life? He disliked Mr. Bouford. He disliked the assignment. Ronan eventually texted him back later that evening with a preview of his poem. It was clearly a joke, he thought. Ronan couldn't be seriously turning this in.

 

_freckles and freckles_

_freckles freckles freckles_

_freckles_

 

**adam** : _you're an asshole_

**ronan** _: um ouch. you didn't like my poem? it's dedicated to you_

**adam** _: I'll dump you if you turn that in_

**ronan** _: we threatening each other now, parrish? so cruel. i worked really hard on that_

**adam** _: i'm sure those two minutes you spent writing the same word over and over could've been spent doing something else equally as wasteful_

**ronan** _: wow you have no appreciation for art_

 

Adam chewed on his lips, deciding how to reply. He thought of telling him what Matthew asked of him, but eventually as the conversation progressed into other subjects, it only became another thing he was keeping secret from him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On Thanksgiving morning Adam got up early to get more studying in, he did a quick three hour shift at the cafe to help open, and then he went back home to change.

Nothing looked right when he tried it on, everything feeling so informal and improper for a holiday. He didn't exactly know what was proper for a holiday, since he hadn't really celebrated one like this before. Thanksgiving at 300 Fox Way was like a whirlwind of arguments and ordering in and then sitting around the dining room table while three different psychics tried to outdo each other on presumptions. Their Christmases were exactly the same, nontraditional in the best way possible, but he suspected there was some form of tradition at the Barns, hints of it already in things Ronan liked to do as way of remembering his parents.

After going through his whole pile of clean clothes, Adam smelled through several old shirts he thought might work, and they didn't.

When it hit noon, he still hadn't found what to wear, and when he heard Ronan pull up outside, he panicked and resorted to grabbing a dark long sleeved shirt that he earlier didn't like. He knew Ronan wouldn't care, but it was less about him than it was about himself. He grabbed the bottle of apple cider he bought to bring over, and he locked up behind him.

He was all jitters as he came downstairs to greet Ronan. Once he was inside the truck, Ronan reached and slid him closer for a kiss hello. In the midst of it, Ronan pulled back and laughed.

"Your leg won't stop shaking," he said. He put a hand there, but Adam couldn't stop it from moving up and down. "Jesus. What, are you nervous or something?"

Adam said nothing. He reached to kiss him again so he wouldn't have to, but Ronan laughed again instead.

"Parrish, you've fucking met them before. The hell you nervous about? It's just dinner."

But it wasn't just dinner for him. He didn't have this at his old house. Ronan seemed to be aware of it, he couldn't be sure. He told him things but vaguely and often with the reprisal of kissing after to cut Ronan off from saying anything.

"I don't know," Adam confessed. "I'm just... Today is special to you."

Ronan traced a row of freckles Adam was aware of having littered across his cheek. His thumbnail felt strange against his hot skin as he unsuccessfully struggled not to blush. Ronan's laughter had died, and he was sitting quietly there with the truck running just feeling Adam's face in his hands.

"You're special to me, too," Ronan admitted. It sounded like it was hard for him to say without cracking some sort of joke.

But Adam wasn't so easy. He was swooning a little, he couldn't deny that as much as he tried, but he also was still Adam. "Thanks for the pep talk, Lynch," he replied drily. "I feel so much better now."

Ronan rolled his eyes and retracted his hand. "Asshole," he muttered.

Adam grinned at Ronan's own red ears. He wondered when they would stop blushing all the fucking time. He sensed perhaps never. As Ronan put the truck in drive, Adam sat staring forward, head on his shoulder, feeling the vibrations of the car as he had his eyes closed to the ride.

"You're special to me, too, shithead," he said. "Doesn't make me any less nervous."

"If they don't fucking like you, something's wrong with them, not you," Ronan replied. "You're _my_ boyfriend, not theirs. They can just suck it."

"People still say suck it? In this year?"

Ronan tried to shove at his shoulder, but he was driving, so it was more like a motion to do it that didn't land anywhere.

His nerves were eased a little.

They parked out front of the Barns, but before Ronan turned the engine off he turned to Adam and touched at his face again.

"We can always go eat at your place by ourselves," Ronan offered. Adam rolled his eyes at him.

"You say that as we're just outside your house, in your very noisy truck?"

Ronan shrugged. "What of it?"

Adam reached and turned the truck off for him. He pulled the keys out of the ignition and handed them off to Ronan.

“Let's go," he said. "You've been bragging about your cooking all week. Or was this your way of avoiding it?"

That sparked something in him and at once Ronan was getting out of the truck and declaring his skills again and again as Adam followed after him into the house. He didn't even feel the nerves anymore as they walked in, and when Declan and Matthew both registered their arrival, he didn't even know why he was nervous in the first place.

Matthew was awkward as he said hello, but he played it off as if it were because this was new for them both. Classmate turned brother's boyfriend. They shook hands while pretending Matthew didn't storm off yesterday upset, making Adam feel unquestionably and unnecessarily guilty for hours afterward.

"I never thought I'd see the day Ronan would be bringing someone over like this," said Declan. He shook Adam's hand and looked impressed with his grip. He then came and slapped at Ronan's shoulder who shook him off, unnerved.

"Fuck off, Declan," he hissed, looking bright red and absolutely mortified. Adam came and leaned against him. "You tell Matthew he can't date and yet you fucking shame me for avoiding it. Which parental guideline do you stand by more?"

Declan looked ready to snarl something back, the edge of his jaw jutting out and his eyes, much like Ronan's could still be, looking angry enough to reproduce blades from them to wound.

"Who do you normally spend Thanksgiving with, Adam?" asked Matthew. He caught the tail end of a look from Ronan to his younger brother trying to silence him, but it was too late and he sighed.

"My friend, Blue, and her family," he said. Matthew must have recognized the name from yesterday, because something looked to click in his mind. "I brought apple cider," he remembered, and then he realized he left it in the car, as his hands were empty. He turned toward the door, but felt Ronan's hand at his waist pulling him in tighter.

"I'll get it!" said Matthew, moving to grab for his shoes by the door.

"So, Adam, what are your intentions with Ronan?" Declan asked.

" _Declan_!" Matthew exclaimed. The eldest brother looked between all three pairs of eyes on him, and shrugged.

"I'm just curious how serious he is about you," he said. "For your benefit."

"Not the time to ask," Matthew said. "Or any time, really!"

"That's none of your fucking business," Ronan snapped.

This was awkward to talk about first thing just inside the front door. It was just awkward to talk about at all.

"He's just your first boyfriend," said Declan, and Ronan glared at him with his eyes narrowing more. "I just want to know about you two. Have you thought about your future together? College?"

"Well, I can't speak for Ronan," and Adam flashed a look his way, "but we just had sex in his truck before coming here, so I think we're just focusing on that for a while. But thanks for the topic suggestions. We never know what to say after sex, so I'll ask about college next time." He gave him a grin like the jackass he was, knowing full well he just let his frustration out and probably embarrassed Ronan in the process. 

Matthew made a weird embarrassed squeak by the door behind them, still not having had left, and Declan looked horrified.

Adam could see Ronan's reaction slowly creeping in. He was mystified with eyes wide like saucers and words trying to escape him but nothing coming out when he moved to speak. Adam pulled at his hand and dragged him away, hoping he didn't just scare him with the remark. He looked like he had seen a ghost or something.

"I like him, Ronan," Declan said, starting to laugh. He could probably tell Adam was lying, but Adam didn't care. It shut him up.

"Thanks," Ronan managed to mutter. "I don't care about your opinion."

Behind them he could hear Declan and Matthew talking, the sound of their voices drifting further away as he walked him into the kitchen. It smelled like turkey in here already, and he noticed it was cooking already in the oven. Finally Ronan dropped his hand and turned to him.

"Was I there for that? Because I don't remember that actually happening?"

He didn't sound mad, just confused.

"It made your brother shut up, didn't it?" Adam said, acting casual about the whole thing. It was admittedly fun seeing Declan's face after he said it.

Ronan could only stare at him open mouthed and wide eyed. Eventually Adam had to come and gently close his mouth for him.

"Was it too much?"

Ronan finally came back to life and he shook his head, snickering to himself as his eyes fell down to the space between them on the ground. "No," he said. "It was fucking perfect." His delayed reaction came out in full as he laughed to the point of tears, wiping at his eyes as Adam moved closer to the oven to smell the turkey. It smelled amazing. He couldn't remember if he ever had turkey on Thanksgiving before like this.

"Here." Before Adam could register what was happening he caught a strangely shaped towel in his hands. When he let it open up, it turned out to actually be an apron. He laughed despite himself. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Wear it so you can help me cook." Ronan was already putting one on himself. Adam blanked at how to respond watching his boyfriend, watching /Ronan, put on an apron. It just didn't fit at all with his aesthetic. Adam felt no qualms about wearing one, himself, and placed it over his head. Ronan's said /kiss the cook/ and Adam's had little chef hats on it for decoration.

"Okay, what can I do?" Adam looked at the overwhelming amount of food they had to prepare and felt a little out of his element. His cooking skills were subpar at best.

"Chop the sweet potatoes," Ronan directed. "Put them in that pot over there when you're done. Then you can chop the green beans next."

"Okay." He moved to search for a knife, amongst the chaos on the counters, and then felt a hand on his waist turning him around.

"Also, this."

He kissed him nice and soft, and Adam laughed against his lips. They weren't going to get any fucking cooking done at this rate.

"Hands off until we're done," Adam said, flicking a finger at Ronan's chest.

"I'm just following the rules of my apron," Ronan said, and he gestured. "You can't ignore these things."

Adam rolled his eyes.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

They were nearly done preparing all the food, some of which was already cooking in the oven. Adam felt accomplished having helped, even though all he really did was chop things and mesh things. He still took part in making something that was going to come out edible. He was proud.

Declan spent the afternoon in the living room watching the parade, and he assumed Matthew was too, although he didn't hear any commentary from him across the house like he did with Declan. The boy had a lot of opinions about floats and balloons.

"Hey, Adam, can you help me find the apple cider real quick?"

Matthew popped his head into the kitchen just as Ronan and Adam finished making jokes about apple pie. They were still laughing as Matthew came in, and laughed even more when he looked confused between them.

Adam furrowed his brow, perplexed, as he struggled to maintain his laughter. "You still haven't found it?" he said. That was surprising.

"I can go get it," said Ronan, and he moved to leave.

"No, you're busy." Matthew came and took Adam by then hand. "We'll be right back."

"Okay... weirdo."

"You good in here?" Adam called back at him, and Ronan nodded, watching him get dragged away.

Outside on the porch Matthew peered inside just before shutting the door behind them. He sighed as Adam turned to the truck, only to almost knock the bottle he bought off the porch. He caught it as it tipped, and held it up to Matthew, relieved. 

"Oh hey," he said, aware this wasn't about the bottle. "You found it already."

"Yeah," Matthew said sheepishly.

"You should put that in the fridge," said Adam.

"Oh my god." Matthew rolled his eyes. "Not the point of the conversation."

"What conversation?"

Matthew was looking at him strangely, not quite making direct eye contact but not staring in a completely different direction either. Adam gripped the bottle tighter, cold in his hands and perspiring against his apron.

"You can ask me again about the dance, but the answer is still no," he said definitively.

Matthew looked to flinch at the suggestion, as if he felt guilty about yesterday. He should, Adam thought. Why did everyone in Ronan's life feel the need to micromanage it with sneaky conversations behind his back? Ronan should be allowed to make his own decisions, and so should Adam.

"It's not about that," Matthew said, reluctantly. He looked almost embarrassed to speak, playing with his hands at his shirt and cranking his neck this way and that. He looked like he needed to be constantly moving, like one of those giant tube people that stood outside car dealerships. "I'm really sorry for asking that of you. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Nothing's _wrong_ with you, Matthew," Adam replied. He looked at Matthew and could see the same regret he felt, himself. "You just need to recognize other people's lives can't revolve around yours."

"I do realize that," Matthew argued. Adam only had to barely raise his brow and Matthew caved, sighing as his hands fell to his sides. "Now, I mean. Again, I'm really sorry. You two seem really happy. I'm really, really glad my brother has you."

Adam nodded, smiling just a little, allowing himself to be thankful. "I am too," he said. "Thank you, Matthew. Have you tried talking to Declan about the dance?"

"I have." Matthew glanced toward the door. "His answer is still the same."

"I see."

"I told Julia if a dance is make it or break it for our relationship then it wasn't very strong to begin with."

That was good of him. No one should be made to feel guilty for having a parent or guardian who enforced protective rules like Declan did. It wasn't really his fault.

"What did she say?" Adam asked.

"Nothing yet. She's with family right now."

"I see," Adam said again. He didn't know what else to say. This was awkward, and he would rather just leave. He would rather be inside with Ronan, finishing up cleaning and cooking.

As he reached for the door, it opened from the other side and Ronan stepped out and looked between them.

"Oh, you got it already," he said. Ronan took the bottle from Adam, and then with his other hand took Adam's, his cold and a little wet from likely the sink. "Bye Matthew," he said.

He dragged Adam inside, the door shutting behind them.

"I was having a conversation," he said, following Ronan into the kitchen where he put the cider away in the fridge.

"Food's all ready," said Ronan. It was true. Ronan finished preparing and cleaning while he was out. He helped him out of his apron, already out of his own.

Adam rolled his eyes. "Kiss the cook time?" he recalled.

"Precisely," Ronan said with a grin.

"You're fucking unbearable."

"Say it again in Latin," Ronan replied, teasing as his hands found their way to Adam's waist. Adam didn't react or respond, he just stared at him an unreasonably long time until Ronan rolled his eyes and sighed.

"What's wrong?"

Adam continued to say nothing. Nothing was wrong, except Ronan wanted to make out in his family's kitchen with his brothers in the room one over. Slowly that seemed to sink into Ronan's mind too as Declan shouted at the Snoopy balloon, which apparently was getting tangled with another balloon. Ronan's lips quirked just a little as he silently moved one hand to Adam's again, and pulled him along in a quiet, sneaky manner, to the stairs just past the living room. The floorboards creaked but were muted by the loud music of the parade. If Adam remembered correctly the parade was long over by now, which meant he was watching it as a rerun, which only made the whole thing that much more absurd.

"I would've taken your brother for a football kind of guy," Adam whispered as they walked up the stairs. Ronan kissed him to be quiet until they were safely in his room. He shut the door behind them, and promptly grinned wide like a shark once the door was completely closed.

Chainsaw squawked her hellos as they moved into each other, and Adam remembered to offer her a greeting before he did anything else. Her feathers were soft against the back of his finger, and she leaned into his touch. For an animal, she was every bit like Ronan, gentler than you would imagine her to be by appearance only. He thought it funny that Ronan had so many holes in his shirt collars while Adam never had that problem with her. She minded his shirts more than she minded Ronan's, which he was appreciative of.

As he was still giving her attention with the one hand he reached carefully behind her and opened Ronan's window up for her with his other hand. She took notice of the freedom offered and spread her wings to thank him.

Chainsaw disappeared into the day with another squawk, and when she disappeared out of sight Adam felt Ronan's arms reach around from behind him. He was pressed against his back, face against his neck, breathing against his skin but not quite kissing it.

Adam tilted back into him and allowed himself to hold some of his weight, feeling the bite of the cold air against his face. He tilted his head back enough and turned it so he could snag Ronan's lips. For a while they kissed like that, until it hurt his neck too much and he pulled away. He closed his eyes as he rested his head against Ronan's shoulder, standing there by the window still hearing Chainsaw from outside.

"She really likes you," Ronan commented. 

"I might steal her, since you won't give me any of your cows," Adam remarked, opening his eyes to look out at the view from Ronan's window. He couldn't see her anymore, but her cries echoed out against the trees.

Ronan laughed behind him, reverberating through him like a quiver. "Where the fuck would it fit in that apartment?" he said. "Barely enough room in there for me."

"Holds you just fine," Adam replied coolly. "Your ego, on the other hand..."

Ronan squeezed where he held at Adam's waist. A string of laughter was jolted out of him from Ronan's grip, and his head slipped back again to allow another kiss. Ronan's hands came up and inside his shirt, feeling around until his palms were no longer cold against him. Adam felt himself getting guided toward the bed and then he was cold as suddenly Ronan was no longer completely surrounding him. He set him down on the bed, where Adam moved to lie down, watching as Ronan left and shut the window.

"Will she be able to get back in?" Adam asked.

"Shit." Ronan opened it up again and looked across the room at Adam. "I'm cold, though."

"Take a blanket."

They both moved to lie underneath it, Adam resting with his back against Ronan's chest. Ronan's hand came to rest on his, over the shirt this time. It ran around in circles over the center just below his throat, and Adam could feel himself being lulled to sleep. His other hand came to fidget with Adam's hair, playing with the longer parts at his crown. This was everything he could have asked for in a holiday, and so much more. He felt so adored by Ronan, he wished he could savor moments like these more, memorize them in some way.

"Could you grab my phone?" he said.

Ronan reached into his back pocket and retrieved it for him. Adam opened up the camera app and held the phone above them, posing but not as he took the photo.

"What are you doing?" Ronan said behind him.

Adam looked at the photo and deleted it. Ronan was blinking.

"Remembering the moment," Adam replied. "Shut up and stay still."

"Cheesy."

"What did I say, Ronan?"

He took a stream of photos until he was satisfied, and then deleted all but three. Ronan resumed touching at his hair, nuzzling his face into the back of his skull. He wished photographs could retain more than just a visual memory. He wanted to remember how the rest of it was, how Ronan's sheets smelled like a combination of him and a floral detergent, how he could still feel Ronan on his lips, how warm he made him.

"You were the first boy I brought up here," he said, thoughtful and soft.

"Your phrasing makes it sound like you've brought other boys up here since," Adam replied. He grinned when he heard Ronan groan, his hand pausing at his hair.

"Parrish, for fuck's sake," he grunted.

"Who else have you brought up here since?" He rolled over to look down at him, angled just above him when he propped himself up on his elbow. He was still grinning as he saw the look on Ronan's face, imitating one of his infamously withered looks. He did s half decent job, but too much of his emotion was expressed in his eyes. Adam ran a hand along Ronan's stomach, feeling it shift at the touch out of jittery reflex. "Was it before you thought we were dating? I won't hold it against you."

"Adam," Ronan said, emotionless but also emotional. He couldn't completely pull off a flat reply when he said Adam's name like that, with a pleading in his eyes to stop his teasing.

Adam quirked a smile at him, and he bent down to kiss him instead. He already told Ronan he was the only guest he really ever had in his place. He didn't count Gansey, as he didn't come inside, or any of the Sisters as it was after all their church. He never brought Blue over. They always liked to go to hers.

"Did you go to work this morning?" Ronan said as their kissing paused so Adam could move onto him, and Adam stilled.

"Why?" he said.

"You smell like coffee," Ronan noted. Adam forgot to shower when he got home.

"Just a quick three hour shift," he said.

"Fuck, Parrish." Ronan's thumb traced over the circles undoubtedly under his eyes. "Don't you get any sleep?"

"No thanks to you," he said, a little bitter. 

"I can stop coming over so often," Ronan suggested. It was a genuine offer, and Adam hated it.

"Don't you dare." Adam poked into Ronan's chest with his finger. He wouldn't dream of him not coming over just so he could sleep more. He would sleep when it was summer. "My grades are fine," he said. "I haven't fucked up at work. And I haven't slept so well in a really long time."

Ronan cracked a smile at the last one. He gazed up at him with his lazy grin and beckoned, with a crook of his finger around the shell of Adam's ear, for a kiss. Adam obliged, and against his lips Ronan said, "Me either."

He then moved to inhale at Adam's hair, face burying against the side of his head.

"Did you just sniff my hair?" Adam wasn't sure how to feel about it.

"So what?" Ronan did it again and it tickled. Adam recoiled from it if only not to laugh from the tickling, scratching at his head to remove the feeling from his skin. "You smell nice today."

"As opposed to all the other days you've told me I've smelled nice?" Adam raised his brow at him, curious. "Were you lying to me?"

"No." Ronan rolled his eyes and Adam followed with rolling his eyes at him in turn. "You smell nice every day," Ronan argued. "I really like when you smell like Boyd’s. But you smell like coffee right now, which is nice too."

Adam laughed until it hurt his gut. "You fucking dork," he shot back, and he kissed Ronan so he would stop smelling his fucking hair. Ronan didn't seem to mind at all, humming into the kiss, a string of sounds pulled out from him that Adam knew all to well by this point.

The door creaked open, and Adam jolted upward at the sight of Declan pushing it open a crack. He said nothing to either of them, just eyeing them suspiciously with a very Parent look, and then he walked away leaving the door open halfway.

Once he was gone, Adam burst into laughter, as Ronan hid his face against Adam's neck. He felt the embarrassment fill Ronan's skin, as it got hotter against his.

"I'm going to kill him," Ronan hissed.

"He really thinks we had sex in your truck, doesn't he?” And Adam was shaking his head laughing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dinner was at sunset, and Adam stayed up in Ronan's room a little longer than him, while he went downstairs to check on the food one final time. Chainsaw came back in and immediately began vying for attention from Adam, which he gave her in full. He closed the window so she couldn't go back out again, and he just sat there feeling at peace and adored and so grateful for so much.

A month ago he wouldn't have thought this could be real, and here it was, very much real. He moved after a while and looked through the rest of Ronan's room. He had a record collection and a record player in the corner, because of course he did. Adam thumbed through some of his music, noting when a hand matched up with his own tastes, which since listening to Ronan's music was more often than he would have thought.

It was possible he only liked the music because it felt like an extension of Ronan, of his emotions and expression.

He moved beyond his music collection and to the rest of his room, to his bookshelf covered in comic books and books about birds and cows and old literary classics that have seen better days. He touched at the toys that lined each shelf, at a little toy alien whose head bobbed when touched.

There were still things about Ronan he was learning every day, and things about Adam that Ronan was still learning. He touched at a pile of old choir song music sheets, with scribbles in the margins and notes made on some of the key changes. He couldn't believe he wasn't kidding about that part. Always learning something new, he was.

"Parrish, get your ass down here!" he heard Ronan shout from downstairs. He startled and looked up at the door. Chainsaw made a sound of protest, and he gave her one last pet before he moved downstairs. She followed.

"Hey, Chainsaw, the fuck are you doing?"

Ronan waved her away as she tried to go for the food. They had made a feast in the kitchen, and Adam wondered how much of it was actually going to be eaten and how much of it was going to waste.

"I think we made too much," said Adam.

"Leftovers, man." Ronan was still trying to deal with Chainsaw, who he had to physically grab to take back upstairs. "They're even better the next day."

Adam would be the judge of that, if he was allowed any. He smelled it all as Ronan left for upstairs, before washing his hands free of bird. As he was drying them on a paper towel, he heard someone come into the kitchen behind him and turned around to find Declan standing in the archway. This was going to be awkward.

"About earlier-" he started.

"It's fine," Adam said swiftly. He didn't want to talk about it any longer.

"I just worry-"

"He's a big boy," Adam said. "He can take care of himself."

Declan looked to not enjoy being cut off, and he sighed, tampering his expression with little twitches of something more he wanted to say. It looked to Adam like he wasn't going to say them, thankfully.

He threw the paper towel away when Declan stepped forward.

"You're right," he said. Adam was relieved he acknowledged it. "I still worry. He took it the hardest after they died."

"I'm aware."

"You seem like a nice enough guy," Declan added.

"Thank you?" Adam squinted. He couldn't tell what Declan's intentions were for that comment, if he should be insulted or not.

"I don't know what I'm saying." Declan ran a hand over his face, and then ran it through his hair. He wondered if Ronan would have the same hair he had if he grew it out. Suddenly that's all he was thinking about. "Just- He's been happier again lately. It's been nice."

Adam nodded, fully aware of that fact. He didn't know how to respond, and he simply said, "Okay."

Before Declan could say anything else they could both hear the sound of Ronan stomping back down the stairs, and they separated at once. Ronan came back into the kitchen and went straight for the sink, washing his hands eagerly.

"She's real fucking mad at me because I won't let her downstairs," he said. Adam noted the feathers on Ronan's neck. He blew them off and watched them slowly fall to the ground.

"She'll understand," Adam said. He was trying not to laugh at how Ronan was being. Chainsaw, as wonderful as she was, was still a raven at the end of the day.

Ronan huffed at the remark, as if Adam was talking nonsense, but he said nothing else on the matter. He grabbed a paper towel and sloppily dried his hands on it, abandoning it on the counter as he went to grab some of the bowls of food.

"Here. Help me bring these into the other room, would you?"

"Sure." Adam pecked him on the cheek before he left.

The four of them sat at a table meant for six, Ronan across from Adam with Matthew sitting next to him and Declan sitting next to Ronan. The food was amazing, though Adam shouldn't have been all that surprised. Ronan liked cooking shows and there were a dozen cookbooks tucked away in the cupboards of the kitchen. He wondered if he learned to cook from one of his parents or if it was a hobby he developed on his own. Something to ask him later, he supposed.

"So, Adam."

Adam looked up at Declan staring back at him. Ronan was, too, out of the corner of his eye.

"Do you have any college plans?" Declan asked. Adam should have expected this. Isn't this one of those questions parents liked to ask? Declan was acting like he was Ronan's.

"Declan-" Ronan started.

"I do," Adam answered. He had no qualms about talking of college and his future. It was so close and yet so far. He eyed Ronan as he answered, ignoring Declan's expression of intrigue. He and Ronan hadn't talked about this yet. They had only been dating a couple weeks, it felt like too soon to talk about it. Guess they couldn't avoid it now, though. Ronan was staring back at him as he said, "I applied to a few. Hopefully I'll get into one of them."

"Where? If you don't mind me asking?" Declan asked, same time as Ronan said, "I'm sure you'll get into all of them. A school that denies you is shit anyway."

Adam smiled a little at what Ronan said, but thought it rude to ignore Declan's question.

"Brown. Harvard. Yale. Columbia." Adam only named a few. He didn't want to explain he applied to every Ivy League, even the ones on the West Coast, though he doubted he would want to venture over there. He could see Ronan's expression shifting as he talked. He wondered what he was thinking.

"See Adam wants to go to college-"

"Declan, seriously," Matthew interjected. Adam almost forgot he was sitting next to him. Across from them both Declan and Ronan looked over at their brother, both going red at the tips of their ears for very different reasons. "Not now."

"You're right." Declan picked his fork up from the table. "Sorry."

"College isn't for everyone." Adam ignored the three pairs of eyes shifting to focus on him. "It doesn't make you any less smart or important. Just a different path, is all."

"That's.. very true, Adam," said Declan. He wondered how often people managed to get Declan stumped for words. Probably not many. He almost grinned thinking about it, but remembered that there was still a whole meal to sit through and Declan was looking at him.

As they resumed eating quietly, Adam caught Ronan staring again and he smiled a little. Ronan smiled too, then stared back down at his food. Adam knew Ronan didn't like school, wasn't surprised he didn't think about going to college. He shouldn't be forced to spend four years away doing something he didn't like if it wouldn't lead anywhere.

Eating quietly was nice, with only the sounds of the tv in the other room and silverware against plates serving as background. Adam kept catching Ronan's eye across the table and felt him reach for his hand at one point, their fingers finding each other obscured to the others by the large serving platter of mashed potatoes. However, not all of them seemed to like the quiet. Declan looked uncomfortable in it, and he watched him open his mouth to speak before the others looked up at his words.

"How are finals going?" Declan asked.

All three of them groaned.

"Sorry I asked." Declan ducked his head back down.

They resumed eating quietly a while longer, football clearly being what was playing now in the background. Ronan was making it difficult to eat one handed, but he didn't dare pull his hand away, feeling less out of place with their hands joined.

"So Adam," someone at the table said again. This time it was Matthew.

"Yeah?" He turned to him a little.

"If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one thing with you, what would it be?"

Adam broke out a smile, and Matthew smiled back.

"Jesus, Matthew." Ronan didn't appear to enjoy it as much. "I thought you were done with these scenario questions."

"Shh." Matthew raised a hand to the other side of the table. This was probably the best subject brought up at dinner so far. "Let the man think."

And Adam glanced at Ronan, who was glaring at his brother. He kicked him lightly under the table. This actually sounded sort of fun, to think of a scenario as ridiculous as that one.

"I would bring a satellite phone so I could call for safety," he answered, after giving it a little thought.

"That's really smart." Matthew looked genuinely impressed. He then stared across at his two brothers and motioned to them. "Dang, why has no one said that one before?"

Adam shrugged and Ronan snorted.

"See, Ronan said he would bring a knife," Matthew added.

"Knives are useful, Matthew," Ronan explained. "They cut things."

"Yeah, but you would probably lose it long before you could cut something," said Matthew.

Adam couldn't stop himself from laughing.

 

~~~~~~~

 

The rest of the meal was less awkward after that. Matthew was the one to guide it into subjects they could all take part in without feeling uncomfortable or strange. When he wasn't obsessing about dances and dating he was actually really fun to talk to, and Adam could see bits of Ronan in him that he hadn't seen before. That mischievous streak was there, too, but subtler and gentler.

After dinner, Adam helped Ronan clean up, against all Ronan's protests that he was a guest. He wouldn't hear of it, and eventually Ronan resigned to allowing him to help.

They put away all the leftovers and washed enough of the dishes the rest could fit into the sink, and then Ronan suggested they go outside for a bit. Adam followed after him outside and to the barn.

It was so evident how safe and comfortable Ronan felt here, how much he belonged here. Each time Adam came back, he could see himself belonging here too just a little more.

He greeted Luna with a smile, as Ronan fed her dinner. She was getting bigger every day, and soon she wouldn't look like a baby calf anymore but a full grown cow.

Together, they went through the motions of feeding all the animals, Adam helping by way of following Ronan's instructions. He couldn't believe Ronan did this every morning and every night, not including this past week where he wondered who between the other two brothers had to pick up the slack.

"How long have you liked to cook?" Adam asked, as they were heading back from the field where they gave the field cows their meal. They were holding hands as they walked through the tall grass.

"A few years," said Ronan, after a moment of thinking on his answer. "It's nicer than eating cereal every day for every meal," he added, a tiny, playful dig at Adam's usual meal.

"Don't knock it ’til you've tried it, Lynch," he retorted, pulling from Ronan to walk around a random fence post not attached to anything. Ronan walked on the other side, and then they met again back around it.

Ronan grinned wryly at him, moving for a kiss. Adam offered him his cheek instead and then dropped his hand to move ahead of him back to the barn. Outside in the cold he felt so awake, every inch of him freezing but feeling. For a long time he felt numb to so much, and here with Ronan he could feel everything, from the dirt on his palms and the hay in his shoes and the frost in his skin and the running nose and dry eyes. It felt good. It felt _wonderful_. He used to think he was awake before, but compared to this he used to be that half awake half asleep people felt when they first woke up.

"So, I know this is really soon to be talking about this," he said, when they came back into the barn, Ronan hot on his trail, "but when I mentioned college earlier-"

"It's not surprising you want to leave here," Ronan said, cutting Adam off. He looked to not be enjoying where the conversation went, but Adam felt with it brought up at dinner they should talk about it now. No time like the present to discuss the future. If they really wanted to be serious, eventually the subject would have to be broached. Long distance relationships weren't easy, but... He was probably getting ahead of himself.

"No, it isn't," Adam agreed. He moved to Ronan who had hung back by the hay, staring down at it as he ran his hands across the bales. "You know, I wouldn't be leaving everything behind, right?"

"Yeah." Ronan moved around him to go stand by the hanging paper cranes, knocking into one with his head, his height not lending him anything with how low they hung. "Blue would probably miss you," he muttered.

"Just Blue?"

Ronan played with one of the other cranes, pushing at it so it swung back and forth, almost like it were flying. "I might miss you, too."

"Good." Adam softened, and so did Ronan, who finally met his eyes. "I'll miss you, too. I've been thinking of talking to you about it, but I didn't know if it was too soon. We've only been dating a couple weeks."

Ronan nodded along but said nothing. Adam couldn't tell what was on his mind. He knew what was on his own, however.

"I wouldn't mind if you visited me," he said. "Wherever it is I go."

"Bit presumptuous, huh?" Ronan stopped the crane from swinging, and Adam's heart sank a little. "Maybe I'll be busy."

Adam rolled his eyes. "You'll visit me," he said, more like a statement than a suggestion. It felt like fact, at this point.

"Wouldn't that be distracting you from your studies?" Ronan said, and he turned to him as Adam shrugged. They moved into one another, whatever Ronan seemed hesitant about before slowly slipping away.

"I can multi task," Adam remarked.

Ronan quirked a smile and then rolled his eyes, looking away again.

"So...." He slipped back and sat up on a bale of hay. "... about the whole sex in the truck thing...."

Adam snorted. He came to stand by Ronan's legs, seeing him staring down intensely at his lap. "Still thinking about that huh?"

Ronan shrugged. For a fleeting second his eyes found Adam's, and Adam could see his longing in them. "Maybe," he said.

"Have you ever had sex?" Adam touched at his knee, and then Ronan swiftly flinched.

"Oh, loads," he said, his voice emphasizing each word an absurd amount. " _So_ many times." His face turned a deep crimson, so even if his sarcastic tone wasn't representative of how much he was lying, his blush certainly gave it away.

"I'm a virgin, too," he said, not afraid of the word. "Just so you know."

"You?" Ronan looked to him as if he were lying. "Seriously?"

Adam rolled his eyes. He wasn't sure if he should take offense to his response or not. His skin felt hot as Ronan's eyes trailed down him, sizing him up or something.

"Fuck you, asshole. Why is it so surprising?" He crossed his arms defensively over his chest.

"You're just... you know."

Adam could feel the heat pooling in his cheeks and he didn't want it to be so visible, so he turned away.

"I don't know what you're saying half the time," Adam grumbled, irritation prickling his words.

Ronan was against him before he realized he moved. His arms were slinking around him at his waist, a light grip he could easily slip out of if he wished, an offering of more but not enforcing it. Adam at once leaned back into him, even though he was still upset. Feeling Ronan's breath against the shell of his ear and his front flush against his back, he couldn't help but feel eased a little out of his head, out of his frustrations.

"You're the most handsome guy at school, Parrish," Ronan told him.

Adam snorted. "I think you have me mistaken for someone else. That's not me. It's you."

Ronan's breath caught and Adam felt it and heard it, and then Ronan's arms were tighter around him, and he dipped his head into Adam's good ear.

"Okay it's me," Ronan replied.

At that, Adam turned around and playfully shoved at his shoulder. "You fucker," he said. He aimed to say more, but Ronan caught his lips in a kiss before he could. Adam swelled with this light dizzying feeling he felt with him. In a rush of movement, Ronan's hands started touching new places on him, gripping at his shoulders and then stomach and then hips and then his ass. When they squeezed, Adam jerked.

"I'm not having sex with you in a barn," he declared.

Ronan stared back at him confused. "I wasn't suggesting that," he said.

"Your hands were," said Adam, arching his brow.

Ronan's blush was telling, and then something happened in those seconds after that that upset him, and he was pushing Adam away. Visibly hurt, he walked off somewhere deeper into the barn, and Adam could only think to follow him. He followed him to a ladder built into the rafters of the barn, where he began to climb and Adam climbed after him. It was up there that it was discovered there to be a spot with blankets and an electric lantern and pillows and books. This must have been a place Ronan went to a lot, where he seemed to prefer to be sometimes.

Somehow Chainsaw was already there, chewing on something. Adam immediately looked away, as it was probably her dinner.

"Come here often?" Adam joked, but Ronan didn't find it funny.

Instead of a verbal response, he turned on the lantern and then lay down on the makeshift bed. Adam was offered a spot beside him, where they lay down together. After a moment of watching Chainsaw, Adam moved to rest his head on Ronan's shoulder, and then he took Ronan's closer hand in his.

They somehow skipped some steps in their relationship, or maybe this was how these things usually went. Adam had no idea what he was doing, but he knew that they both wanted to have sex, even if he didn't think they were ready for it.

He wanted to have sex with him. He wanted him to be his first, but a part of him was still so terrified of Ronan finding out he was paid at the start of all this. He felt as if he owed it to him to know.

Lying about it was eating him up inside, even though he knew if he ever told him it would be over. Selfishly, he didn't want it to ever be over. He was feeling things for him he never felt for anyone.

Love was never a subject he cared for. It was never a word he really understood, or a thought that made much sense. Here and now it was displayed before him, the love Ronan had for Chainsaw and his family, for this place that felt more like a dream than a real thing. It was Blue and Maura and their family, and the way they invited him into it without a second thought, like the family he should have had growing up.

He was pretty sure he was falling in love with Ronan, and that thought was terrifying most of all.

"Probably not ready anyway," Ronan mumbled after what felt like hours lying there in the quiet, studying each other's hands in the low light. He nuzzled his face against the back of Adam's head, smelling at his hair again.

"For what?"

Ronan only looked his way and Adam moved to meet his gaze, and then he understood. He smiled a little. He wasn't ready either, and he was grateful Ronan recognized that.

"Well, when you are...." he said, and he tilted closer, "and I am.... I'm not going anywhere." He tilted up halfway to offer a kiss. Ronan met him the rest of the distance and made him dizzy inside at the thought.

It felt incredibly dangerous to be kissing so far up above the ground with little room to move, and yet they were doing just that. Chainsaw made her usual protests, or maybe she was egging them on. He didn't speak bird. Ronan's lips were rough from the cold air, and his hands were dirty from the hay, but Adam didn't care. He kissed and kissed and kissed him until he no longer felt feeling in his lips.

He was most definitely falling in love with Ronan, a boy he once thought rude and angry and mean, a boy he realized was soft and hurting but kind to those he loved. Fuck.

When they broke to breathe, Adam's heart was moving a million miles a minute. He was dizzy and disoriented and unsure for a few seconds where he even was. Ronan raised his hands to his lips, kissing at the inset of each wrist, and then at his palms. Adam closed his eyes as Ronan moved into him again, kissing at his forehead, then his brow, then his closed eyelids with a delicate brush of his lips.

Tears dampened his face, and Adam found himself silently crying. When Ronan pulled back, Adam opened his eyes again to see him staring at him with a curled brow, concern written in his features.

"What's wrong?" he said.

Adam felt this overwhelming sensation to just burst out the truth. He would hate him forever but he owed it to him, to tell him.

"Ronan, I have to tell you something," he said.

"Ronan!"

Adam and Ronan split apart like a tree struck by lighting.

"Ronan," Declan shouted again below. "What the fuck? Where are you?"

"Up here," Ronan grunted.

They both moved to see Declan searching, and when they peeked over the ledge of the rafters, Declan looked up to stare up at them.

"Shit." Declan raised his brow. "You still fit up there? It's getting late. If you're driving Adam home I think you should do so now."

Adam and Ronan exchanged a look. Adam was still wiping away tears when Ronan silently asked him something with his eyes. Unsure what, he said nothing, and then Ronan was kissing a tear from his face. Adam grimaced playfully.

"Ew."

"You're ew."

"I think that's your best comeback yet," Adam replied. 

Ronan rolled his eyes, and then leaned over the ledge again.

"Is it cool if he stays over?" Ronan asked.

Adam flinched, but thankfully Ronan didn't notice, still staring down at Declan below. 

Adam almost told him. He almost told him the truth. He almost.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Slow and steady. In and out._

"Do you need to be back early for work?" Ronan asked him, whispering his question, and Adam found himself shaking his head. He didn't start work until the afternoon tomorrow.

"On the sofa," said Declan. "No sharing beds."

"I'm eighteen," Ronan argued. Where did Declan think he stayed when he came over to Adam's every night this week?

"Yeah, well you're living under my roof right now, Ronan," Declan called back.

"You really sound like Mom now," Ronan muttered.

Declan seemed to get flustered at the comment. "Hey- you- No bed sharing, okay!" His voice went too high pitched for half a second, then it was okay again. "Now come back down. The pie's cooled. Matthew's probably eaten it all already."

Ronan knocked shoulders with Adam and stirred him out from his thoughts. "You good?" he said.

Adam only nodded. "Yeah. It's allergies. All the hay."

"Oh." Ronan's brow twisted as he looked around. "Why the fuck didn't you say anything?"

Adam could only shrug. Lies upon lies. He felt so knotted up inside about them.

They descended down the rafters, and then Ronan took his hand when he reached the ground. Together they followed Declan back, with Chainsaw squawking ahead. For a moment he felt okay again. If only for just this moment.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

They ate pie outside on the porch, quiet beyond the sounds of nature. Adam pressed against him as they looked out at the dark landscape that made up the Barns. It was peaceful here, majestic. He allowed himself again to enjoy it here, reminding himself he was allowed.

After, they changed for bed, Adam borrowing some of Ronan's clothes. He didn't anticipate to stay over like this, and now he was wearing Ronan's sweatpants. Ronan stared at him a while after he changed. Adam could relate, thinking back to last week. He then was dragged into the bathroom where Ronan brought out a toothbrush and toothpaste and started brushing his teeth. Adam borrowed the toothpaste and placed some on his finger.

When Ronan saw him do that he grumbled something unintelligible and reached under the sink.

"What?" said Adam.

Ronan fished out another toothbrush still in its box, unused.

"I don't need it," he replied on instinct.

"They give you a free one every time after the dentist," Ronan reasoned. "I've got tons of them. Just take it. It'll go to waste otherwise."

"I have one at home," said Adam.

"Now you have one here."

They both heard what was unsaid in that. Ronan's ears went pink. Adam could feel his burning, too.

Quietly, so as not to add onto the red on his face, he took the toothbrush from Ronan's offered hand.

"Fine," he said, sounding more sour than he really felt. Inside he was happy, thankful. "Thanks."

Downstairs, Ronan walked Adam to the sofa as if it was all that hard to find. Declan stood there and waited, lingering same as Ronan. He looked at Adam like he wanted to kiss him, and turned to Declan to glare when he wouldn't leave.

"You fucking perv," he said.

Declan frowned at his brother and then then rolled his eyes. After a few seconds he turned to offer them his back, and Ronan grumbled something low under his breath to him before he turned around back to Adam.

He kissed him goodnight and Adam wanted to laugh. Ronan could be so ridiculous and soft sometimes it felt surreal. As they kissed, he draped his arms around Ronan's neck for a second, then retracted from him to end the kiss before it got out of hand. He playfully pushed at his shoulder, suggesting he go get some rest. "Night, Lynch," he said.

"Mm. Night."

"Goodnight, Adam," Declan said behind them. Declan was reaching for Ronan's shoulder. "Come on."

"I know the way to my room, asshole," said Ronan, squirming out of his brother's grasp.

"Mhm. I believe you," Declan said. They could be heard arguing the rest of the walk upstairs.

Adam lay down on the sofa but couldn't sleep. His mind was running through scenarios in his head. How close he came to confessing, how horrible it felt to lie, how deeply he cared for Ronan that the thought made him shiver. Hours trickled away it seemed as he lay there, unable to sleep and unable to stop thinking.

Then someone was coming down the stairs, Adam realized, as the stairs creaked from the weight. He sat up, expecting it to be Matthew to perhaps talk to him again.

But it was Ronan who rounded the corner. His heart leapt into his throat.

"What are you doing here?"

"Scoot over," was all Ronan said.

Adam obliged him quietly, and Ronan lay next to him, the sofa big enough for them both but not really.

"Isn't this breaking Declan's rules?" he whispered.

"Fuck Declan's rules," Ronan said, almost at full volume. Adam put a hand to his mouth to shut him up, but he still mumbled against his palm. "Besides, he said nothing about couch sharing."

Adam rolled his eyes. He didn't want to get kicked out of their house, or for Ronan to get in trouble. He very much liked their routine lately. He wondered if Declan could ground him, but this was Ronan they were talking about. Ronan wouldn't listen to being grounded.

"Won't he still get upset?" Adam asked anyway. He let go of Ronan's face so he could speak.

"It's not like I'm going to have sex out in the open like this on the family sofa," Ronan said in a softer voice. "That's gross. I'm not desperate."

"You are, though," Adam teased.

Ronan flushed and rolled his eyes. "Asshole."

Adam grinned up at him as then Ronan bent down and kissed him hard, almost desperately, like he was trying to say something in this kiss but Adam didn't speak the same language. After a few good minutes of the intensity of it, Ronan moved into him and kissed at his neck. His hands slipped under Adam's shirt, and despite his brain telling him this wasn't the place for this, Adam closed his eyes and moaned softly.

"I have to work tomorrow with this neck," he said.

"So?"

"I can't exactly go into Boyd's with hickies on my neck," he hissed, between Ronan biting at his sensitive skin until it almost hurt.

"Sure you can," Ronan replied, thumbing over Adam's chest to get a reaction. He reacted with another noise that escaped him involuntarily. It felt nice, but not tonight.

"Ronan," Adam groaned, annoyed.

It wasn't the way he was sure Ronan wanted him to say his name, and he stopped. Finally, Adam breathed, as Ronan's hand pulled from his shirt to rest outside of it. Shifting things around, Ronan maneuvered pillows and the blanket and even Adam himself so he could lay beside him again. Their noses pressed together as they lay there, motionless and quiet. Minutes passed as Ronan's body relaxed beside him, and Adam began to feel weightless being held. He could feel Ronan's breathing on his face, and finally he started to feel tired.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"For what?"

"For inviting me," Adam said. _For everything,_ he wanted to say. "It was nice."

Ronan rested his mouth at his shoulder, not quite kissing it, but almost.

"I'm sorry my brothers are...." His voice was lost in the cotton of Adam's shirt.

"They're fine." Adam lifted Ronan's chin toward his. "Shut up." He kissed him, a small thing that was as gentle as his voice, so late at night. "Go to sleep, asshole."

"I can't sleep."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm going to sleep. You can keep staring at me like a creeper if you want."

He rolled over and Ronan pressed against his back, spooning him, arms wrapping around him. His face rested against his neck, and Adam could feel tiny kisses there. His whole body shivered.

"You're cold," Ronan said, reacting to his shivering probably, or maybe it was his ice cold skin.

"I'm not," he argued.

"Well, I'm fucking cold." And Ronan pulled from him and that's when Adam felt cold. He rolled over, wanting him close again, feeling clingy and selfish as he found Ronan leaning away for the blanket on the floor. He pulled him back into him and didn't care about the blanket, but Ronan managed to come back with it anyway. He draped it over them, and Adam buried his face against Ronan's chest, feeling his heart beating against his cheek. Ronan wrapped his arms around him and Adam sighed, thankful for this one thing.

"I thought we were going to make out more than this," he felt Ronan say against his face. Adam rejected a laugh that wanted to come out.

"Is that the only reason you came downstairs?" Realizing this, he rolled his eyes. "So sweet."

Ronan tilted his chin up, and Adam opened his eyes again to him. Even in the dark, he could see the tenderness in his gaze, his want and concern.

In this moment, he knew Ronan knew he was crying and that it wasn't from hay. Still, he didn't know how to tell him the truth. Breaking his heart was the last thing he would ever want to do. It would break his own in the process.

Then somehow Ronan was grinning, elastic and mischievous. His kisses tasted like mint from the toothpaste, as they were kissing once again. Ronan pushed into him, asking him for just a little more.

They did not sleep much that night. Adam didn't care. He felt Ronan's hands on him, each place they touched feeling brand new and tingly.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On the drive back to St. Agnes the next morning, drowning in leftovers that probably wouldn't fit in his fridge, Ronan looked to be fidgeting with the steering wheel, thumbing at a piece of the fake leather cover around it that was falling apart.

"Something on your mind, Lynch?" Adam couldn't reach to touch him, blocked by the mountain of food in between them.

At a stop light Ronan glanced in his direction and then sighed out a shrug.

"Do you maybe I dunno want to go to that winter formal shitfest in a couple weeks?"

Adam was startled. "What?" That was the last thing he expected Ronan to say.

Ronan grimaced, more likely at himself, as the light went green and he begrudgingly had to look away.

"It's just, Matthew's been hounding me about it for days and I usually hate these stupid things, but I don't want to deal with a more pathetic Matthew if this somehow affects his relationship with Julia, so I'm giving in."

Adam couldn't breathe. He didn't know what to say to that. He said the first thing that came to mind, a sarcastic remark in an effort to avoid feeling.

"How romantic," he said. Here he was thinking of how to ask Ronan, and he beat him to it.

"I'm not-" Ronan breathed roughly out his nose as he ran a yellow light. "Did you want to go?" he said.

"Matthew asked me, too," Adam confessed. He wasn't sure why he was admitting it, but it was one less lie he held inside now.

"To the dance?" Ronan scowled ahead. "What the fuck? You're _my_ boyfriend."

"No, shithead." Adam almost laughed at the absurdity of his spike of jealousy. "He asked me to ask you."

That silenced him, and for a while Ronan spent the drive again in silence, squinting ahead at the road. Adam watched him drive, noting the changes in his expression, wondering what was going on inside his head. He looked annoyed at first, and then amused, and then annoyed again.

Finally, when they reached the outskirts of town, Ronan snorted and shook his head a little.

"Jesus Christ, the balls on that kid," he said. At a stop sign, he stayed there too long and looked over at Adam. "Were you going to ask me?"

Adam admitted his uncertainty with a shrug.

"I don't have a suit," he confessed.

Ronan chewed on his words as he started driving forward again, flipping off a car that honked at him when he took a while to go.

"Wear whatever you want," he said. "I won't hold it against you. Fuck whoever says anything. I'll throw punch in their face."

Adam smiled despite himself. The possibility of seeing Ronan do that was appealing, even though he knew he would wear a suit if he went at all.

If he worked hard enough today for tips he could possibly afford a secondhand suit from the goodwill, and Blue or Maura could help tailor it for him if he asked politely enough.

"I'll go," he said, and was made aware that this would be his first dance, "but only if you really want to."

They were close to St. Agnes when Ronan smiled staring forward. "If I have to attend any school function, I wouldn't mind it be with you," he said.

"Sometimes you come off as such a hopeless romantic," he said. The comment forced Ronan to blush and then scowl ahead at the road. "Fuck you," he said. "No I'm not."

Adam grinned. He found it cute how much he was trying to deny it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh so i cant hold it off any longer.... the dance is next chapter. : ( if i sound sad about it it's because i am
> 
> thanks for reading. i love all your comments and feedback it's always nice to hear. :) i appreciate you all xx
> 
> tumblr - cabeswatergreywaren


	8. Winter Formal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You ready for tomorrow?" Ronan asked, squeezing his hand.  
> "What's tomorrow?" Adam replied coolly. He felt Ronan tug at him in surprise.  
> "You're kidding, right?" He looked confused until Adam began to smirk, and then he looked annoyed. "You fucker," he said.  
> Adam beamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, the next chapter will be loaded in a couple days. just putting that out there now so you don't kill me when you finish xx
> 
> ps adam mentions his dad in this so just warning you guys since that's always an uncomfortable topic~

Adam and Ronan's relationship only grew stronger and deeper the weeks leading up to the dance. Adam was definitely falling in love and he never would have believed that to be possible. To feel the way he did for someone, to suspect it in return. He couldn't be certain. But Ronan had become so gentle with him, while still being the Ronan that cracked terrible and inappropriate jokes and called him asshole. He was still the boy who snapped at other students that would sometimes say things when they saw them kissing or holding hands. He was becoming a balance between truly soft and truly hard, and Adam felt spoiled getting to see him express that.

Since crying at Thanksgiving, Adam didn't try again to tell him the truth. He felt like a coward, bowing out, but he didn't know how to approach the subject and he knew deep down it would ruin things forever. And he very much didn't want anything to be ruined. Not when this felt so right and so real.

The moment he would tell him, he knew he would be breaking Ronan's heart, and his own in the process. He wasn't ready for his heart to be broken, and so he said nothing, aware it was worse the longer he waited.

Finals had started this week, which were a good distraction from the inevitable dance coming up. He was looking forward to it because it meant dancing with Ronan, seeing Ronan in a proper suit, kissing him under some cheesy ass disco ball. But it was still a dance. There were still going to be assholes from their school in attendance. Tad was probably going to be there. And his outfit still wasn't finished. He bought a suit from goodwill as he intended, and Blue was helping with it, but it was a struggle to get it to fit him right. And he wanted it to fit him as well as it could. He wanted to look good at that dance and make all the assholes at school eat their hearts out.

It was the Friday, the day before winter formal, and Ronan was kissing Adam against the lockers, hands in Adam's hair just the way he liked them to be, tugging a little to make him express his want for more by pulling on his tie. Just before this they were discussing their Latin final when Ronan pinned him against the row of lockers and just went at it. 

As if they hadn't spent every night together these last couple weeks at either St. Agnes church or the Barns, Ronan sleeping soundly much earlier than Adam half the time, and then waking up to drag him to bed. Declan gave up trying to quarantine them somewhere in between the first few nights. They had grown so comfortable with each other, knowing little things about one another that they both clearly didn't expect anyone to ever know. It was a lot, to be known. To be adored. To be wanted.

"Um, can you two freaks get off my locker?"

Ronan didn't even stop kissing him. In fact he seemed to kiss only harder. Adam recognized the voice but he was being kissed in a way he couldn't move, and didn't want to. Even as a lock was digging into his back.

"I need to get to my locker. Cant you go be disgusting somewhere else?" Tad groaned. "Hello?"

Finally, Ronan peeled from him, just enough they stopped kissing. But he still held him against the locker, hands still at his waist and hair. Adam was disoriented a few seconds while Ronan turned to look over his shoulder back at Tad. Everything was spinning until Adam blinked it away. Making out was a dizzying affair for them. They tended not to stop until someone had to.

"You know, your insults only make it all the more obvious how jealous you are."

Adam rolled his eyes. He could see Tad looking on in horror over Ronan's shoulder.

"Jealous? Of welfare boy and orphan creep?"

Ronan broke from Adam and nearly lunged at Tad, coming close enough he almost touched him. Tad jerked back as Ronan intentionally stopped at a close enough distance to make him uncomfortable. The fear in Tad's eyes was almost amusing, if it weren't for what he called them. Adam hooked a hand around Ronan's arm, pulling him away.

"Come on," he said. "He's not worth it."

Ronan looked Tad up and down, and then nodded to agree. "You're right," he said. "Not worth it." He snarled one last time before following Adam away from Tad. Tad said something else in response, but Adam didn't hear it. He didn't want to.

Outside, it was snow weather without the snow. They were bundled in heavy jackets and hats and scarves. It made the walk to Ronan's truck more brisk, and the need for cuddling more dire. As they were walking they were holding hands inside Ronan's jacket pocket, letting the heat of the interior warm them. Adam didn't have gloves, which he suspected was going to be a Christmas present the way Ronan reacted when he found out.

"You ready for tomorrow?" Ronan asked, squeezing his hand.

"What's tomorrow?" Adam replied coolly. He felt Ronan tug at him in surprise.

"You're kidding, right?" He looked confused until Adam began to smirk, and then he looked annoyed. "You fucker," he said.

Adam beamed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They met up with the others at Nino's, something they started to do just earlier that week. Adam was making more of an effort to interact with them, both because Ronan missed them and wanted to, and because he knew they were important to Ronan and that meant they should be important to him too.

They were already waiting for the pair of them by the time they arrived, a pizza already ordered. In group settings like this Adam didn't feel the same weight of guilt as he would if it were just Gansey and them. With Noah and Henry there too, it was less impactful. Slowly it was becoming less painful to think about, the further they were removed from the start of it all.

"Did you all want to ride to the dance in a big limo? Meet up at my house and carpool from there?" Henry was the most eager of the bunch about the dance. He was working on the dance committee so he told everyone not to wear white to clash, even though who would wear white?

"I'm not that big on flashy things," Adam said, feeling uncomfortable with all this talk of things he couldn't afford to chip in on. They wanted to initially go out to dinner beforehand, and Blue laughed and said _where? McDonald's?_ Then they tried to chip in on a hotel room to crash at near where the dance was, and Ronan was the one to thankfully kill that before it went anywhere.

"What makes you think I want to hang out with you guys after the dance?" he said.

His friends feigned injury to insult, and they easily switched subjects to something else.

Now another one was being brought up. It made it all the more evident how much Adam didn't fit into the expected Aglionby boy shape. He was something else. But Ronan didn't seem to mind that something else, as his arm, which draped over Adam's shoulders, tightened around the nape of his neck, pulling him in to rest his head at Ronan's shoulder.

"Yeah, you losers take the limo. We're coming separately."

"It's winter formal of our last year at Aglionby," Henry said. "Don't you want to go all out?"

Ronan rolled his eyes. "And be another pretentious Aglionby dork? No fucking thank you."

"I think it's too late for you," Adam said. He flashed a grin when Ronan glared down at him, no heat behind the gaze. His arm squeezed around Adam's neck, forcing his face into Ronan's. A laugh bubbled out of him in surprise as Ronan resorted to tickling him with his other hand.

"Will you two get a room?" said Gansey.

"You literally blew your girlfriend a kiss across the restaurant five minutes ago," said Noah.

Adam ignored whatever Gansey said next, turning his head up to catch Ronan's lips, forgetting everything else around them but this.

God, he was happy.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Winter formal was tomorrow, and Ronan couldn't believe he willingly was going. He couldn't believe he asked Adam to go, and that Adam said yes. His first school dance, and he was going with a boy he once upon a time could only dream of talking to. They had come so far. In almost two whole months so much happened. He was happy, happiest he's ever been.

After Nino's he went home to feed the animals and finish his poem for class. He still hadn't finished and they were due Monday. All he could think about was the dance, which made him nervous to the point his leg started jittering uncontrollably as he sat at his desk trying to write out this stupid assignment. Chainsaw noticed and snapped at him, made anxious by his anxiety. She nipped at his pencil, trying to save him from what she thought was the cause.

He let her knock it out of his hand, sacrificing his pencil and time, because he knew he wasn't going to get any work done tonight. That much was for sure.

It was hours later when he picked Adam up from work and took him back to the Barns. Adam's shower stopped working a few days ago and until the church fixed it he pretty much was staying at Ronan's. They spent every night together since Thanksgiving either at his house or Adam's place. It was exhilarating and nerve wracking, and he hadn't had such great sleep in years. Maybe ever.

The last day they were at St. Agnes, he and Adam almost.... and he almost..... but then Adam stopped it and went and took two showers, which was probably what broke it.

They were making out on the sofa, hormones abound, celebrating a break from finals until Monday. Ronan had one eye open, watching the cooking show that they were meant to be viewing together. Adam was under him pulling on his ear with his teeth, which was very distracting, as he wanted to know who was getting kicked out this week. His vision blurred when he started sucking and nipping at his neck, a hand in his shirt riding along the wave of his back, cold from the shower Adam took after they first got home. He pushed down into him with his whole front and Adam visibly suppressed a noise, which Ronan couldn't completely focus on because one of his favorites was getting voted off right now.

"Are you really that invested in this show you're ignoring me?" Adam called from below him. He removed his face from Ronan's neck, leaving him a little wanting. As the credits started rolling, Ronan blinked and looked down to see him glaring back up.

"Huh?" Adam's words finally sat with him. "No, I'm not ignoring you," Ronan said. He frowned as Adam started picking at his collar, at the holes Chainsaw so lovingly left him.

"I'm giving you some of my best moves and you're just lying there," he replied argumentatively. His glare turned to focus on where his hands played with his shirt.

"I'm not," Ronan reasoned. "I'm reacting."

"To the show." Adam rolled his eyes and huffed. "You gasped at a soufflé twenty minutes ago."

Ronan shifted uncomfortably.

"No, that wasn't me..." 

Since he was still on Adam in a compromising way, his shifting stirred a reaction in Adam that clearly he didn't want to feel right now.

His eyes shut for a moment, tight, and his lips thinned into a straight line. He took a deep breath, and Ronan waited until he was finishing not reacting.

"Ronan," Adam said through gritted teeth. He was genuinely upset and Ronan didn't like that he was the cause. He pulled up so he could properly look at him. With his left hand he gently brushed back some of Adam's still wet hair from his face, cupping his cheek. Adam softened at his touch, and allowed him to kiss him, lips soft. He intended to focus on him, but his mind was elsewhere even before the show. Thinking of things that shouldn't worry him like they did. Adam's small breaths were a decadence as his hands came to Ronan's face, gently touching there behind his ears. His legs spread further to help Ronan incline into him, one coming up around the back of his leg to lock him in. After a few good kisses, Ronan broke the kiss, nudging his nose into Adam's.

"I promise I'll be more attentive," he said.

"You're distracted," Adam noted.

He kissed him again as if that would help clear his mind. It only fogged it over, as Ronan became temporarily lost in the feeling.

"Is this about the dance tomorrow?" Adam said.

"No." Ronan's lips began to move down Adam's cheek towards his neck. He wanted him to stop fishing. But he seemed more focused than Ronan to discuss this.

"Is this about the poem?"

Adam knew him too well. He had the television on to keep Adam from talking and asking about how finals were going, which led to making out, which led to this.

With a sigh, he sat up, and Adam sat up when he did. He moved so his back was against the sofa, and felt Adam rest his head on his shoulder, cheek on shirt. Even though he was trying not to look at him he could feel every movement, every action. His breathing. His wipe of his mouth. A hand running through his nearly dry hair.

"You still haven't finished," Adam deducted. Their eyes met fleetingly as Ronan tried for disinterested, but he probably just came off annoyed. He was a little of that, too, with himself. "Can I see what you've written so far?"

"No," Ronan scoffed. "I'm not showing it to you even if I finish. That shit's private."

Adam arched his brow at that. "Oh?" He caught wind of what he hinted at, and while Ronan burned, he was smiling a little. "Is it about me again?"

Ronan was so known by him it was sometimes terrifying. He pretended Adam was just making shit up and gave him a perfected look of _you wish, Parrish_ matched with a side eye.

Even still, Adam could see right through it. Fucker. He grinned a little cheerier than before, finding Ronan's hand in his lap and intertwining their fingers like vines.

"Well, _mine's_ not about you either, in case you were wondering," Adam said to his silence. "Mine's about _Chainsaw_."

Ronan looked to him and rolled his eyes. "Fuck off, Parrish," he said. He snorted as Adam gave a little bubbled laugh like a kid. He rolled his eyes, too, at something Ronan wasn't sure of. He hadn't said or done anything in the span of two seconds between both reactions. And then Adam was kissing him again, a tender kiss that wasn't going to lead anywhere. When he ended it, he sighed, like he was giving something up.

"You want to watch the show more, don't you?" he said, already sounding defeated.

"Maybe?" Ronan tried not to grin.

Adam groaned, a second eye roll in ten seconds. "God. How many more of these do we have?"

"Three," Ronan answered proudly.

Adam pouted. Or, well, it was Adam's version of a pout. He stared witheringly while inclining himself into Ronan's side, silently requesting more kisses instead of more television.

"Two?" Ronan compromised.

In response, Adam rested his chin on Ronan's shoulder, and he looked up at him with want and intent. A finger came to stroke along Ronan's lip. After a few beats, it was let loose to wander down into Ronan's collar.

"One."

Adam grunted and pulled away, annoyed as ever as he rolled his eyes a third time. Ronan grabbed him before he left the couch, holding him back and letting him move to rest his back against Ronan's chest.

"I have to find out if my other favorite is out too," he said. "I have a feeling she's a goner."

He watched as Adam pinched the bridge of his nose. Ronan felt the laughter shake him before he heard it. "You're a fucking dork," he said.

"Thank you." Ronan squeezed his arms around Adam's waist. "We can make out during commercial breaks," he proposed.

"I'm offended I'm only worth commercial breaks."

"You don't let me kiss you when you're studying," Ronan argued. "How is that any different?"

Adam opened his mouth to rebuttal, then shut it again just as quickly. He rolled his eyes a fourth time and relaxed against Ronan's front instead, moving so they were laying down more comfortably, rather than half off the sofa.

They were a tangle of limbs and pillows as Ronan turned the next episode on. His mind was made empty with anything substantial except the feeling of Adam's hands in his and his face against Adam's neck. He could feel the goosebumps on Adam's nape caused by his breathing against it, where he kissed it several times when the commercials were on and they were too lazy to move.

Halfway through the episode, Matthew dropped in, having come downstairs from his room. Both Declan and Matthew tended to hide away at night when Adam was here, aware that they were often gross on the sofa. The one good thing they did.

Since Thanksgiving, Adam made more of an effort with both brothers, and both brothers made more of an effort with him. At first he hated it, watching them talk, bond even. They both liked Adam, but obviously not as much as him. He seemed to like them too, hopefully not as much as him.

"Hi, Adam!" Matthew beamed down at them, and motioned to their entanglement. Adam's head shifted as he looked up, but Ronan wanted them both to ignore him. Maybe he'd go away. "Wow. It's almost like you've moved in."

At that, Ronan glared up at his younger brother, who was smiling wide as ever. He was eating a chocolate bar, his arms folded over his chest. He could be such a little shit.

Adam began to shift uncomfortably against Ronan on the sofa as a result from his words.  His teasing upset Adam, which Ronan knew exactly why.

"Uh, I'll be out of your guys' hair soon," he said. He sat up, and Ronan followed his actions. His arms were still around him, allowed to be, as they moved in unison. Adam didn't like to take advantage or feel like he was being given charity, and Matthew's comments seemed to sit wrongly with him as he mumbled an excuse about this only being temporary and everything. Matthew seemed to finally catch on that he upset him a little, and he swallowed the chunk of chocolate he took a bite of, shaking his head to a point his curls bounced around his head.

"No, it's been nice having you around," he said. "It feels like a slumber party everyday now."

Adam reacted more pleasantly to that, smiling just a little. Hopefully he was thinking of how nice their slumber parties have been the last few days. Instinctively his arms wrapped around Adam's waist and pulled him closer.

"You could totally move in if-"

"Matthew," Ronan said, mildly stern to get it across to him that he should stop talking.

Matthew chewed his lip, and then shrugged it off. Adam didn't look to react, but Ronan was curious what was going on inside his overworked mind.

"You're still going to the dance tomorrow right?"

Ronan rolled his eyes, groaning at the reminder. He could feel Adam snickering against him.

"Yes, Matthew," he said, making his annoyance clear. "For the millionth time--"

"Just checking," Matthew chirped. "Go back to being gross on the sofa." 

As he walked away, Ronan threw a pillow at him. Once he was gone, Adam turned to him, still snickering. At least one of them was amused by Matthew.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked, kissing him, since they were instructed to be "gross."

"You two," Adam said. "I don't have siblings, so it's just interesting watching how the three of you are with each other. You're softer with Matthew."

"Am not." Ronan acted as if he took offense to this, even though it was slightly truly. Completely true. Oh, what did Adam know?

Adam gave him a knowing look, and then began to yawn. With it, he stretched his arms up, shaking a little from the effort. A week of finals was wearing on him, the circles under his eyes returning with a vengeance after all his extraneous studying. 

"I'm tired, and have to meet Blue in the morning," he said sleepily. "Let's go to bed."

The way he said it sounded so homey, so domestic. It should have made Ronan want to gag, but he reveled in the idea of this. Maybe someday.... No, he was glad to just have this. Thinking of more felt selfish.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Stand still or I'm going to poke you in the ass," Blue grumbled. Adam was standing with pins in his legs in Blue's bedroom as she was bent down on the floor by his feet, fixing the last bit of his suit for the dance that night. He specifically took the day off of work so she could do her finishing touches, at her request, because even though he didn't say it out loud he wanted this to be perfect. The whole thing.

"Are you threatening me, Blue?" Adam faked a gasp as he glanced over his shoulder at her. She looked a mess, with spoons in her hair holding it up at the back where it grew a little too long for her liking, small bags under her eyes from the stress of getting this right for him, and for once her clothes were un-tattered and plain, which was odd for her. She must have run out of laundry and borrowed her mom's. She pretended to poke him in the butt with the pin in her hand and he laughed.

"Dick," she replied.

"Your pastry's getting cold," he said. He motioned to the one left on her desk, which he bought fresh for her that morning as a thank you instead of getting himself breakfast for the week. It was worth it. She deserved more than that for what she did for him.

She rolled her eyes. "Only if you eat half," she insisted. "I already had yogurt before you got here."

He couldn't tell if she was lying for his benefit or telling the truth, but his stomach strategically grumbled at the mention of food.

"Here," said Blue. She got up and walked to the pastry, split it in half and then walked back to hand one half to him. They tapped their halves together like clinking glasses after a toast, and then ate them together for a good couple minutes. It was buttery and soft and practically melted in his mouth. Just that little morsel was enough to help quell his uneasy stomach, which was good considering he was going to be uneasy all day. He was worried the suit wouldn't work, that he wouldn't look good in it when it was finished, that Ronan would change his mind, that the dance would properly suck, that Ronan wouldn't have fun with him. He sucked in a huge breath as he ran a hand down his shirtfront, reminding himself it was only a dance. Only a dance.

"Not to rush you or anything, but when will you stop stabbing me?"

"Ten minutes," she said. "If you stop squirming like a fish out of water."

"I'm doing no such- ow!"

“Shit. Are you okay?" Blue asked, but he could read it in her voice she already sensed his answer.

"I'm fine," he said. He could tell he wasn't bleeding. Just a little poke.

"Stop moving," she said again, and this time he listened.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"This feels like old times," Noah remarked that Saturday afternoon. He, Gansey, Henry, and Ronan were hanging out together before the dance at Gansey's. Henry kept coming in and out of Gansey's room in elements of his outfit for that night, asking what looked good with what and then reaming the others for not dressing yet.

Gansey looked up from the movie they were watching to look at Noah lying across the chair he took over for himself. He smiled at him, then at Ronan, agreeing in silence. Ronan could see it, too, how they were slowly getting back to the way things were before. It was never going to be exact, but he wouldn't ask for that. There were parts of him he knew of now that he didn't then, that while he learned them through the harshest of ways he appreciated knowing them at all. And he appreciated having Adam in his life, a thing that happened because some point or another in his past another thing happened, because of another thing before that.

"You guys want to get breakfast tomorrow or something?" Noah asked, hanging upside down in his chair, hair dangling off the edge of the seat. "To cure that dance hangover."

"I won't be hungover," Ronan replied. For once, he suspected he wasn't going to drink. He didn't need to. Besides, Adam didn't have work tomorrow until ten. And, well, he had plans.

"But do you wanna hang out?" Noah persisted.

"I don't know," said Gansey. He ran a hand through his hair, then immediately fixed it. "I think I'm supposed to do something with Blue tomorrow."

"Ugh." Both Ronan and Noah rolled their eyes. Gansey pursed his lips.

"Hey!" He put his hands to his hips, which was a weirder act when he was sitting down. "She's lovely. I thought you guys liked her."

"We do," Noah sighed. "Just, before you know it, it's graduation. Then we'll all move somewhere else, and we'll be separated. We won't be able to just hang out, all of us."

That was true, and that was something that ate at Ronan every day. The relative consistency of his life here was about to be upended, and he wasn't ready for it. Before, he was less concerned about keeping in touch with Gansey and Noah, because he knew he couldn't shake these two losers if he tried. And he knew with Henry it was the same thing. But Adam. Adam had a big future ahead of him. And he googled the statistical probability of high school romances being a success when someone left for college and became such a big success while the other... did whatever Ronan was going to do. It wasn't good. It was worse that he thought to google it. Adam was rubbing off on him.

"Earth to Ronan." Ronan jerked his head at the mention of his name. He recognized both his friends staring at him, and he realized he lost track of his thoughts. Sheepishly he folded his brow to feign a glare, and then waved them away.

"What?" he said. "You losers will miss me enough you'll be back.”

Noah could see right through that. He rolled off the sofa to be upright, and then came and dropped down on the sofa arm rest next to Ronan, intentionally falling into his lap and then sprawling out to be on Gansey's.

"Oh, get off," Gansey grumbled, pushing Noah's legs off him. Both Noah and Ronan laughed, and then together pushed Gansey off the sofa.

The three of them wrestled around, elbowing each other and kicking and laughing. Just like old times. Like nothing changed.

"Oh my god, Noah, our suits aren't going to clash are they?" Henry came rushing out from Gansey's room in his suit, his shirt half done and his hair a mess.

All three boys froze and looked up from the floor. Henry barely blinked at the collective mess of limbs they were. He wasn't surprised.

"Uh, I don't think so." Noah unfolded himself from the mess. He stood with a little effort and walked away after his boyfriend, glancing back at Gansey and Ronan like he had been kidnapped and was pleading for help.

Gansey and Ronan then laughed, separating to both lie flat on the floor. What a strange year senior year had become. It was already almost halfway over. He couldn't believe it.

When Ronan looked over to Gansey he saw him already looking back. He had such a sad look in his eye, like he was about to cry or something. When he noticed Ronan staring back he rewired his expression and looked up toward the ceiling.

"Something wrong, you weirdo?" he asked.

"No." Gansey let out his fake politician laugh, and Ronan rolled his eyes.

"Whatever," he grumbled. He was in too good a mood to bother pressing whatever it was underlying Gansey's veneer. He'd tell him eventually.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam's outfit came together nicely, because of course it did with Blue behind it. The wizard with sewing. It was evidenced by his decent fitting goodwill suit, a dark navy blue with a decently matched tie. He could use this for job interviews someday too maybe, if it held up.

He was sweating already and Ronan wasn't even here yet. Tonight was the night. Adam had plans for the dance. Afterward, he was going to take Ronan back to his place, and they were going to have sex.

It felt like the proper time for it. He wanted it. He knew so did Ronan. Nothing more romantic than a cheap dance with bad music and gross punch. They almost did several times. A few days ago Ronan managed to get Adam out of almost all of his clothes except his underwear, and it took two cold showers and a long study session to come back from that.

He was so goddamn happy he could puke.

And he almost did. Because of the nerves.

Then there was a knock at the door and he flinched. He hadn't heard Ronan's truck pull up, and usually he texted him if he was just picking him up, rather than the extraneous effort of coming to the door only to go back down.

When he answered, it was of course Ronan, but he was holding something behind his back. He was wearing a nice, black suit that hugged him at all the right places and a grin meant for mischief.

"Hello stranger in a suit," and Adam inclined into him. "Have you seen my boyfriend recently? Shaved head, torn jeans, a penchant for trouble."

"Sounds familiar," Ronan replied. "Devastatingly handsome and great fashion sense?" He dipped into Adam for a kiss.

"No, I don't think we're thinking the same person," Adam said devastatingly swift. A grin broke out when Ronan faltered forward and then scowled at him, no heat behind it.

They kissed briefly, a hello when they had only said goodbye twelve hours ago.

His mind was allowed to wander to the delightful thoughts of seeing Ronan's suit on the floor later that night. He quickly smothered the thought away. It wasn't appropriate right now. Later.

Adam's hands came and slipped around Ronan's neck, and he expected their kiss to go the way all their kisses went. But Ronan's hands didn't feel at his waist or his shoulders. They stayed unmoving behind his back, hidden like a surprise, until Adam couldn't handle it anymore and he peeked.

"Flowers?" Adam's voice caught at the gesture. This was never something he thought Ronan would do for him, but he also never saw himself attending a dance with Ronan either. He was a constant, blush inducing surprise. And Adam's face lit up like a Christmas tree, prickling with heat as he stood back with Ronan's hand coming around to his front. He extended it out toward Adam, offering him the flowers. Daffodils and lavender with a few hydrangeas. Adam smiled thoughtfully as he could already smell their distinct aromas.

"You big softie," he said, taking the flowers from Ronan and bringing them to his face. This was ridiculous. He wanted to say something sarcastic and impolite to off balance the moment so his mind wouldn't get carried away, but he couldn't come up with anything as he looked up from the bouquet to Ronan.

"Fuck you, Parrish," Ronan grunted. He was red in the face too, acting insulted when a little of his facade fell back to show his nerves. "Give me the flowers back."

"No, it's too late," and Adam moved his hand away from Ronan. "You don't get them back. That's terrible gift etiquette."

"Take back what you said," Ronan demanded.

"Never." Adam smiled. "It's true."

In an act of desperation Ronan moved onto him, reaching around him for the flowers. Their arms wrestled each other for the flowers, but Ronan not being too serious enough to really try. It was playful and stupid, and Adam worried he was going to drop what Ronan so clearly took time and effort crafting for him, that he got a little annoyed.

"If you tear my suit, I'm never speaking to you again," he said.

The reaction caused Ronan's hands to fall. He relented fast, and pulled away with an expression of defeat in his eyes.

"Fine," he grumbled, as if he really did want the flowers back. Adam knew him too well to know he was just hiding how he really felt. "I guess you can keep the stupid flowers."

"Thank you." Adam kissed him on the cheek, and moved to find something for his bouquet more deserving than the paper wrapping it came in. He heard the door shut behind him as Ronan followed him inside, as he walked to his kitchen area for something.

"They weren't even my idea anyway," Ronan muttered, like he were defending himself.

"Uh huh." Adam smiled a little, ignoring him.

"Henry made me get them."

At that, he glanced back over his shoulder and smirked knowingly. "Sure."

As he was emptying out one of his few cups to fill with water, he felt arms reaching around him from behind, and Ronan's breath at the shell of his good ear.

"You look good," he said.

"I always looks good," Adam joked. Ronan grunted behind him like that were true. Adam was glad he couldn't see his face, because he was blushing again.

"Sargent deserves a medal for making this fit you. Shit. I thought for sure when you first showed it to me I was taking a fucking tent to the dance."

Adam rolled his eyes and turned around. "Keep talking and you're going to the dance alone," he said, and he moved from Ronan to fix his flowers.

Ronan stared after him, and smartly said nothing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The dance was a cheesy winter theme. Winter Wonderland, or some nonsense like that. There was fake snow piled on the ground on the walk in, and some drizzled down onto their heads as they walked through the door into the gymnasium where the dance was being held.

At once Adam swatted at the stuff, feeling it cluster in his hair and on his shoulders. Ronan laughed at his struggles as he ignored the chunks of white on his suit and helped swipe them off Adam's, even helping to pick it out of his hair.

"You got some big dandruff problem going on here," he cracked.

"Shut up, asshole." Adam fingered a piece from behind his ear.

Together they moved further into the gymnasium where there was a hand performing on a stage and a large crowd of dancing people. There were tables off to one side where some already chose to loiter and waste away, and beside them a table for snacks and drinks because of course it's not a real Aglionby event without a snack buffet.

Adam watched as couples got their photos professionally taken in one corner, the backdrop of the photos cheesier than the rest of the decorations strewn carefully along the walls and some even hanging from the ceiling. He didn't get that long a look, thought because suddenly Ronan was pulling on his arm.

"We've made our appearance," he said. "We can go now."

Adam didn't get it. He shrugged him off.

"We're staying," he said. "You invited me here, got me flowers, and wore a suit. We're staying." He wanted a dance with him before they left, and he wanted to see-

"Blue!" Adam eagerly walked away from Ronan's side to catch her walking in with Gansey. She shook her head until the fluffs of white fell off it.

"Hey," she said, and she took a step back to examine her work on his suit. "I'm so damn good. Ronan, don't you agree?"

As Ronan came to join them he said nothing, but Adam already knew the answer.

"You look lovely, Blue," he said to her to remove the burden of Ronan talking. And she did look lovely. She was wearing a dress of her own making, green with strips of other colors sewn in. It hung off her shoulders and went down to below her knees, and she wore boots instead of whatever girls wore to dances.

"Thank you," said Blue. She moved her hips around a little to show off the flow of the dress. It was shiny. "Found the material online. Gansey got me this to match." She moved them away from the others to show off her wrist, which wore a corsage made of fake flowers that glittered under the lights on one of the tables. "Can't believe I like this cheesy stuff."

"With the right person it's almost worth it," he said. His eyes drifted away to catch Ronan staring back as he was talking to Gansey, and now Henry and Noah too.

"You know, he got me flowers," Adam added. He was smiling about it. Ronan was smiling a little back at him, his dimples visible even from this distance.

Blue made a barfing noise and he turned to her to see her faking a gag. "You two are so happy it's annoying," she said.

He rolled his eyes. "You're one to talk."

Mutually they grinned at each other, before returning to the others like they were walking back into enemy terrain. At one point in their lives this was enemy terrain. Adam hated mostly everyone at this school, and Blue hated Aglionby boys on principle. Now here they were, sure to make their past selves panic or rage, but they were happy.

"Oh, good," said Blue. "We're all here. Come on. Let's take some pictures. Hey, you." She tapped the shoulder of another student nearby. "Can you take a picture for us?"

"Uh. Okay."

They all stood together awkwardly by the wall as the guy held Blue's phone up for pictures. Adam caught Ronan staring blank faced and he twitched to touch his cheek to Ronan's.

"Smile, loser," he said. "Or Blue will make us take this again."

Ronan rolled his eyes and put on a smile, a little challenging, but still handsome.

After a few good seconds, the guy handed Blue's phone back to her and returned to his friends, leaving them all to huddle around her to look at the pictures.

When it was decided which could stay and which were terrible (Henry doing most of the "it's terrible!"), Blue then moved Adam against the wall again with Ronan.

"Okay, I want pictures of my best friend and his date. Don't comment, Lynch."

Ronan's mouth closed in quiet contempt. Adam leaned against him as they positioned themselves close for the photo. His hand went around Ronan's waist, and Ronan's arm came and draped across his shoulders, his chin moving to rest at the closer of the two.

"That's a terrible pose," Adam commented. "You look nice, and you're ruining it."

Ronan gave him a sharp smile, and then lifted his chin off Adam's shoulder to pose.

After, when Blue then moved Henry and Noah against the wall to take one, Ronan slipped himself and Adam away. At first Adam suspected he was taking them to leave, to sneak off somewhere to be alone. But then he surprised him by walking him over to take a photo with the cheesy backdrop.

"What are we doing?" Adam asked, as they moved to wait in line behind two other couples.

"You dragged me into the other one," Ronan argued, as if Adam was rejecting the suggestion. He wasn't. He thought he would, but at Ronan's silent insistence he didn't mind this. To have something to commemorate this moment, this night, this feeling.

"You're secretly such a soft romantic aren't you?" he said, teasing, to which Ronan stuttered out a hurried row of curses at him. Ronan could keep pretending he was still the angry guy from September, but he wasn't wholly that. He had softer edges now.

"You're going to ruin my reputation if you say shit like that out loud," he retorted.

Adam arched one eyebrow over the other.

"I'm not a soft romantic," Ronan hissed, protesting.

"Oh, yes, because dragging your boyfriend into the professional photo corner of a school dance is hard pessimism." Adam couldn't stop smirking if he tried. Ronan glared at him but he was blushing.

They took their cheesy photos, Ronan scowling and Adam intentionally rolling his eyes, so the picture could be terrible but it would be theirs. After, they laughed at the preview, and gave the photographer Ronan's address for the prints. It was the most “them” photo there could be, and Adam was glad now Ronan dragged him to take it.

As they went to find their friends, Matthew approached, with Julia trailing behind him. They were both smiling so wide it was startling.

"Thank you, Ronan, for coming," he said. Julia nodded behind him.

"Yeah, thank you."

Ronan exchanged a look with Adam, but he couldn't read what his eyes were saying before they turned away to Matthew again.

"I don't know why you're thanking me," he grumbled.

Matthew ignored his attitude and embraced him anyway, and then moved and embraced Adam too.

"Thank you," he whispered to him, like he were somehow part of why Ronan came tonight. Maybe he was a little, he identified. He gently patted at Matthew's back a second, and then motioned for them to part.

"Go away now," Ronan said, like he was a fly hovering over their food. "Enjoy your stupid dance."

"You too," Matthew said proudly. He and Julia practically skipped away. Adam felt similarly inside but wouldn't showcase it entirely. He showed it in other ways, like holding Ronan's hand, feeling him close enough he didn't hate this. He kissed at Ronan's jaw when he was looking elsewhere, feeling invincible tonight.

Another hand was grasping fast and tight at his hand not currently occupied by Ronan's. It was Blue, looking wild and gleeful as she pulled him from Ronan's side.

"I'm stealing your boyfriend," she declared to Ronan.

"That's rude," said Ronan. His hand slipped out from Adam's as fast as Blue's appeared. "You don't get two dates."

"Here. Have this one." Blue teasingly motioned to Gansey beside them, who looked bewildered by the swift change of events he walked into. She grinned at Adam as she started to walk him away toward the dance floor. "I think you two know each other."

"Why am I being stolen away?" Adam asked, but he could already tell why, even as Blue took hold of his second hand to properly guide him.

"I want to dance!" she said, and then they were swallowed up in the beats and the bodies.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"So...." Gansey swayed on the heels of his feet, awkward as he looked after their respective dates having chosen each other over them. Ronan was suddenly in a sour mood. This was much less fun without Adam beside him. He wanted to mock someone, but doing that with Gansey wasn't as fun.

Together they watched as Blue got Adam to dance, to something fast and poppy. He was making use of his hips, and Ronan allowed himself to stare. That was his boyfriend, spectacle and graceful and hot as hell.

"Did you want to grab food after the dance?" Gansey asked.

"Nah." Ronan wanted something else, something Gansey couldn't give him. "Plans."

"With Adam?" Finally, Ronan's concentration broke and he looked elsewhere beside Adam's slender figure moving to the music. He saw Gansey's brow raise as it slowly crept on his face the realization of what Ronan was referring to. "Oh. _Oh_."

"Shut up." His skin betrayed him as it reacted to Gansey's reaction, reddening while he scowled back ahead. Adam and Blue looked to be so happy. So was he. Very happy. He was blissfully happy to a point it almost felt delusional, a hallucination that he couldn't shake. But it was real, and he was allowed this, and Gansey was still looking at him funny.

"What?"

"Nothing." Gansey shook his head and turned away. "Just still surprised you're here, is all. You once stormed into a debate between the kids running for school elected positions in protest yelling viva la revolution. I'm just impressed you're here."

Ronan rolled his eyes and knocked shoulders with him purposefully. "I can surprise people," he said. "Maybe I came here because no one expected me to."

Gansey gently bumped shoulders in return. "Maybe you just wanted to come."

"Don't insult me." Ronan lifted his chin high and then walked away.

The song was over when he found his way through the dancing horde to Adam. He reached for him from behind and turned him around, glancing at Blue over his shoulder.

"I'm stealing him back," he said. "Yours is that way."

She rolled her eyes, but he caught a glimpse of a smile as she left for Gansey.

"Didn't think I'd see you on the dance floor willingly," Adam said, smiling as his hands came to Ronan's shoulders, Ronan's own staying at his waist.

"I was forced here by having to suffer watching you and Blue make asses of yourselves."

Unsurprisingly he received a withered look from Adam, unimpressed or amused. He ignored it and kissed him. Behind his head, he felt Adam's hands slip up to touch at his nape, pushing him closer than was probably school dance appropriate. But no one said anything. It took him a moment to realize music hadn't started to play yet. When it did it was a slower song, recognizable even in its new cover. A song Ronan loved a lot.

He whipped around so fast it almost made him dizzy. It was one of his favorite bands, the one he saw at Grunge House that night Adam asked him out a second time. This felt impossible. Why would they be here?

"What are they doing here?" he said out loud.

He caught the tail end of Adam's smile, something full of knowing and excitement.

"Think of it as a belated birthday gift," he said.

This was Adam's doing. He couldn't believe. But why? But how? He grabbed at him in surprise.

"You already got me a present," he said. It was on his wrist as they spoke.

"I know how much you missed your favorite song."

Fuck, Adam was perfect and impossible. His band was singing a slowed down version of his favorite song of theirs, live and present. People were enjoying it. And he had Adam by his side now to enjoy it too. He couldn't believe this moment, that Adam would go through these efforts. He wanted to ask him so many questions but he was coming up with nothing. Adam seemed to read his mind again, inclining into him with his smile spread open and wide, reaching his whole face.

"Apparently Blue's cousin knows the lead singer," he said. "Small world."

Ronan had never been happier in his life, as Adam pulled at him to dance like the rest of the couples around them. He couldn't express his joy enough, couldn't find words. He kissed him, losing himself in the feeling of lips gleefully. The music served as the perfect backdrop to him thanking him without words. This felt like magic.

As they danced, several songs later they were joined by their friends. Ronan wasn't as much of a fan of dancing to the faster songs,  but when it came back around to the slow ones, he didn't mind Adam closing in on him and swaying in time with him. This time he rested his head at Ronan's shoulder and closed his eyes, humming along to the music. Ronan pressed his cheek to the side of Adam's head, as music from his favorite band played softly in the background.

"You know, I envy you sometimes," Adam murmured against his neck.

"Why?"

They kept dancing, intentionally moving away from their friends. He felt Adam cling tighter to him as they were removed from their friends' attention, but still surrounded by dancing teens. The song was solemn and sweet, as Adam breathed against his neck.

"Because while your parents are gone, when you had them they were loving," he heard Adam say. He didn't move his head off his shoulder, and Ronan didn't expect him to. "You were a family."

"Adam-?"

He felt Adam's grip tighten around him, and his concern only grew from it.

"My dad used to hurt me," Adam said, so simply it felt like it was painless for him to say, when he knew better. This was something Ronan suspected but never pried about, and now Adam was offering it like another gift. Gift of trust. "I left after he pushed me too hard one time and destroyed my hearing in my ear. It's why I live at St. Agnes. It's why I work two jobs. I wanted you to know, because you already know so much about me that I want you to know everything. All of me."

Finally, he lifted his head, staring straight at Ronan across the small gap between them. With his head raised, Ronan touched at his cheek, pausing their dancing to look at him without getting dizzy. Adam's eyes were puffy and red. He'd been crying on Ronan's shoulder.

"Adam, I already do," he said.

A few more tears ran down Adam's cheeks, and Ronan swept them off with a brush of his thumb. He kissed him before he could speak.

"Thank you," Adam said against his lips anyway. And then he kissed him back, more energetically than he anticipated after knowing he was crying.

"That was going to be my line," Ronan said, playful enough to make him smile. His success was earned carefully, and he felt it in Adam's smile against his lips and he heard it in the low rumble of a laugh that lasted a solid two seconds.

Every little ounce of trust he earned from Adam felt like he earned the world, like he were given something infinitely more special than anything else this world could give him, that he believed he deserved.

They danced a few more songs, returning to the others once Adam's eyes were dry and less red.

After a while, when his band left and the music went back to something more generic, he didn't want to dance any longer. He wanted to just hold Adam, be with him in a more focused environment.

"Do you want any punch?" he said, as he and Adam left the others to sit at one of the tables alone.

"Sure." Adam sat and sighed. "Hopefully it isn't spiked yet."

Ronan thought of a joke for that, but he didn't say it. He held his tongue as he walked away.

At the punch table he looked back to see Adam still staring after him, still grinning. He took pride in seeing that smile more and more every day.

"You surprisingly don't look like complete shit, Lynch," he heard to his left, and he looked over to find Tad standing next to him. The fucker thought he was funny. His mood mildly withered, but it couldn't completely no matter how much Tad tried.

"Was that a compliment buried under an insult?" he said. He faked a gasp to go along with his chiding. "You're getting soft. Also uglier by the day. What do you want? Come with anyone?"

Tad said nothing back and Ronan smirked.

"Didn't think so. Still pining after my boyfriend then. Move on, man. He fucking doesn't want you."

He watched as Tad's nostrils flared, teeth grinding. Their repertoire was getting tiresome, and he had someone to actually return to, so he ignored him and pressed on to fill two cups of punch. Tad was still silently reacting to him with a flare of rage in his eyes, surprisingly not saying anything back. For once his shit response was a little slow. Maybe he finally did him in.

"At least I didn't pay him to make out with me," Tad hissed.

Ronan turned to him, confused. This was one of his more lame attempts at insulting him.

"What are you talking about?" he laughed.

Tad's grimace turned into a grin of evil intention. He leaned in awkwardly, but Ronan didn't recoil, and so Tad's attempt at intimidation faltered and he stepped back again.

"Oh, yeah," he said, as if none of that happened. "Didn't you know? Your boyfriend was paid to ask you out."

That suggestion was ridiculous. He scoffed, thinking it unwise to believe a shithead like Tad anyway. 

"You're fucking sick, Carruthers," he said. He rolled his eyes at him, nudging him away at the shoulder as he moved to leave. "Go suck your own dick. That's all the action you'll ever get."

Tad walked around him to cut him off. He nearly spilled the punch all over him, though that wouldn't have been much of a problem if he had.

"Charming," Tad said. He spoke with a hint of desperation in his voice, trying so hard to make this lie work. "But if you don't believe me, go ask Gansey. He's the one who paid him. Heard them talking about it in the library. Your relationship is as fake as this snow."

The mention of Gansey had him fall silent, and he began to calculate in his head if this could be... true. Adam and Gansey talked a lot. They seemed to fight at the beginning of their relationship, and Adam was weird when they went to the party, weird before it and even weird after. But Ronan chalked that up to him being uncertain of his feelings. Not... 

"It makes sense, doesn't it?" Tad sounded so fucking smug. "Unlike the two of you together? In what universe would Adam Parrish ever ask you out?"

His jaw locked as he looked up again at Tad, very nearly throwing this punch in his eyes.

"Fuck you, you fucking fuckface. Why would you even tell me this? You want Adam that bad?"

"No, I'm over him." Even Ronan could tell Tad was lying. "This was just for fun." And his eyes caught sight of someone walking behind Ronan. "Ah, and here the freckle faced liar comes now."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam didn't like the look of self-satisfaction on Tad's face as he walked over to Ronan, to check everything was alright. He worried Tad was talking about their mistake of a kiss or something equally as heinous, because Ronan hadn't brushed him off like the pest he was, and he hadn't come back to their table yet.

When Ronan turned around that's when Adam realized. He knew.

At first relief washed over Adam knowing he didn't have to keep this lie in any longer, and then that was quickly squashed by the horror of what was likely going through Ronan's mind. The expression in Ronan's face was closed off. His eyes were emotionless. This was exactly how he expected him to react, and here it was staring back at him. His chest hurt like someone had punctured it.

"You were paid to ask me out?" His voice tried for indifferent, but he could hear the underlying emotion of heartbreak. He reached for him, and at once Ronan recoiled.

"Ronan, let me explain-"

Like he were a leper, Ronan avoided him, even his gaze. He dumped the punch on the floor as he rushed off, escaping onto the dance floor to get away from him.

"Don't fucking talk to me ever again," he called out just before he disappeared.

"Ronan--"

"Feeling pretty stupid right now, huh, Adam?"

Adam was full of such rage toward Tad he very nearly let himself release some of it in a non constructive way, as his hands turned into fists and his teeth ground hard on each other. But even as his blood pressure rose and his stomach felt like it were falling out, he wouldn't give Tad the satisfaction.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Tad?" he said, and he offered only a glare to him, a threat that would go unfinished. 

"That's what you get for humiliating me at my party," Tad replied.

Adam could scream. Instead he grabbed a cup of punch and tossed it on Tad's likely expensive suit before rushing after Ronan to find him. To explain. To apologize.

Blue cut him off before he could go much further. He heard Tad behind him cursing him out, but he ignored him like he so often did.

"What's wrong?"

"You freak! Just because you go to Aglionby doesn't mean you're like the rest of us."

Blue looked to Tad as the words sunk deep in Adam. He no longer wanted to be like the rest of them. He wanted to be better. He _was_ better.

As Tad continued spouting things that were meant to curdle his blood, Blue pounced forward, only for him to catch her by the waist before she could reach. People were staring. Tad's voice was high. His words weren't unnoticed. He looked every bit the fool he was as he yelled at Adam's back.

"You know, maybe I should have left you and orphan boy together. You two deserve each other. You're both emotionally damaged losers who-"

"Excuse me."

Adam turned to find someone tapped Tad on his shoulder. When he looked to see who it was, Adam recognized it as Matthew. When Tad looked, he was rolling his eyes like he'd been cut off from something more important than being a piece of shit.

"What?"

Matthew punched him in the nose. Against his arms, Blue gave up fighting to hit him, as Tad went down from Matthew's punch instead, wailing on the floor. Matthew winced as he waved his arms around, having hurt it from the interaction.

"That's for my brother, you inconsiderate piece of garbage."

He exchanged a quick look with Matthew, overwhelmed by all these events, and then he realized Ronan was still gone, and he left for the exit before he could get cut off again.

In his rush to the outside he took out his phone and started texting him, hoping he would respond.

 

**adam** : _ronan please talk to me_

_let me explain_

_please_

_ronan_

 

When he called him it went straight to voicemail. Either his phone was off or he rejected his call quick. He texted him again anyway.

 

_are you really going to let tad ruin this?_

 

Outside it was cold to the point Adam could see his breath in front of his face, but he was numb to it as he searched for Ronan, thinking him gone already. He scoured the quad out front of the school, but there was no one hear. Upon closer examination, however, his truck was still in the parking lot, and Adam's chest burned with hope he hadn't left.

Never had he run so fast, or exhausted his limbs so much. His throat burned from the pressure, dried and cold. His heart raced to a point it felt like it stopped beating for just a second.

The second he got to the driver's side of the truck he banged on the window, not even sure yet if Ronan was inside. His vision was blurred and his head hurt, and then when he moved his hands down he saw Ronan across the glass. It was clear he had been crying, face pressed to the steering wheel. He sat up when he heard the banging, but he hadn't yet looked his direction.

Adam was on the verge of crying, too. He pressed a hand to the glass, startlingly frigid against his palm.

Then Ronan finally looked at him. His eyes were bloodshot, tears staining his cheeks, an unseemly sight of what a broken heart looked like. He looked to be calculating if it was worth opening the door or not. In silence, Adam pleaded with a press of his forehead to the glass.

"Ronan," he whispered.

The window was rolled down, only a crack. Enough they could hear each other and that was it.

"Fuck off, Parrish," Ronan snarled. He sounded pained, his breathing erratic.

Tears escaped Adam's eyes against his desire to remain composed. He angrily wiped them off with his hand.

"Can we talk?" he said

"What are we doing right now?" Ronan barked. "Puppet show?"

Adam rolled his eyes. "Ronan-"

Like it triggered something terrible, Ronan jolted at his own name, cursing under his breath and banging a fist to the steering wheel.

"Don't call me that," he said, angrier than Adam had seen him in months.

"Please come out," Adam said softly, scraping his fingers against the glass and leaving trails behind in the condensation. He had hopes Ronan could at least allow him a talk without glass between them, but he suspected that was too much. He wanted this conversation to go the way of forgiveness, or at least understanding. He wanted Ronan back.

"You took money from my best friend." Ronan shook his head in disbelief at that. When he said it like that it sounded even worse than all the times Adam personally acknowledged what he'd done. It was stupid, but Adam didn't know then what he knew now. He didn't think... "I don't know who I should be pissed off with more," said Ronan, gritting his teeth like this was causing him physical pain as well as emotional. "Am I that unbearable that you needed to be offered money to try to get to know me?" Adam started violently shaking his head no, but Ronan wouldn't let him speak. "Am I that terrible you had to be bribed to ask me out? I really don't understand. I've been racking my brain trying to understand what even made this seem okay to do."

His eyes closed, and he looked to take a deep breath. Adam inclined as far as he could to him, wishing he could touch him. That was a privilege now revoked.

"I didn't know you," he said. Instantly he regretted what he said as Ronan shot him a look full of such loathing he almost started to sob, or angrily curse him out for not letting him explain. He couldn't do either, knowing both wouldn't do him any good. "At the time, I thought if roles were reversed you would've done the same. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry, Ronan. But I-"

"I wouldn't have done this to _you,_ " Ronan snapped. "I wouldn't have needed to be paid to talk to _you_."

"It was never about the money," Adam argued. He tried to combat his annoyance by closing his eyes. The more he looked into Ronan's hurt eyes the more he hurt. "Not really. I always liked you, in some way or another. I'm so _glad_ that I asked you out. Hasn't that been _obvious_ , my feelings for you since Tad's party? Haven't we been _happy_?"

When he opened his eyes Ronan was still looking back at him. His expression slowly opened up, and he looked to mildly agree. There was a foundation there, to build upon. To fix this.

Then something happened and he was recoiling from him again, shaking off that feeling. Once again he was a wall Adam couldn't climb. 

"You broke my heart." Ronan said it with such goddamn pain in his voice Adam felt like he was watching it break before his very eyes. He cleared off more tears with the back of his hands.

"I broke mine too." His voice was wavering on the edge of a sob. He couldn't hold himself up any longer. "Please, just.... I've never felt this way about anyone before. I don't... I don't know what to say..." He closed his eyes again. He was fully crying now.

And then Ronan started the engine, and he drove out of the space he was parked in, then peeled out fast from the parking lot once he was far enough from Adam. The second Adam could no longer see his truck he collapsed onto his knees and cried into his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry :(
> 
> pls leave comments and feedback and kudos and such, even tho i know i ripped your hearts out too ;_;


	9. Finals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mr. Lynch," Mr. Bouford exclaimed. "So glad of you to join us. You're just in time to come read your poem to the class."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i lied. there's one last chapter attached to this! hopefully you didn't accidentally skip over to it first since i posted them at the same time.

Sunday morning, the morning after the dance, Ronan couldn't find it in him to get out of bed. His pillow was still wet from the night of crying into it, his suit was abandoned messily on the floor, and Chainsaw was watching from across the room, having tried to offer him comfort several times but was ignored for all of them. Since he got home he couldn't move, could barely breathe. It felt like there was no more water left in his body, he cried it all out last night.

Adam was too good to be true. Their relationship was too good to be true. But it was built on a lie. To be paid to take him out.

He almost threw up just thinking back on it, and finally for the first time since he got home he moved.

Sitting upright, he swept both hands over his face, and almost missed hearing the door to his room creak open. At once, his heart jumped to his throat and he felt like he was choking as he turned, only to find it was Matthew.

Suddenly he felt a creepy cold chill rolling through him, like the kind you get when you've just thrown up. Matthew stood there awkwardly in the doorway, looking at him with some guilt. He knew why.

Since the dance, Ronan pieced it all together. Why Gansey would even do this. Why Adam might agree. It was staring back at him, reflecting back at him all his pain. He couldn't be mad at Matthew, especially now when he saw his brother standing there with two hot chocolates full of marshmallows. He was mostly mad at himself, for allowing himself to believe he found love. That he could be happy again so easily.

"Hey," Matthew said.

"Hi."

Without another word he came and sat down beside Ronan on his bed, offering him one of the mugs in his hands. Ronan took it but didn't drink from it. He held it between his hands, warm against his palms.

"How are you?" Matthew asked.

Wearing short sleeves to bed, Ronan could see his bare wrists easily, see the bracelet he still wore from Adam. It hurt to look at it, and he wanted to tear it off and throw it somewhere, but at the same time that really meant this was all over.

"How do you think I am?" he said less gently back to Matthew. His brother instantly recognized his mistake.

"Bad question..." He sipped from his hot chocolate and then he examined his brother like he were a stranger. "Have you talked to anyone since you got home?"

Ronan shook his head. Chainsaw was still in the corner, but pensively staring at them both, observing like she were checking if Ronan needed comfort or not. "I don't want to talk to anyone," he said, and he set down his mug.

"Not even me?"

At that, Ronan scowled. There was something that motivated this and it wasn't simply to console him. "What do you want, Matthew?"

Having been caught, Matthew shifted uncomfortably on the bed, taking another sip of his drink before setting it down next to Ronan's at his bedside table. 

"Losing Mom and Dad was the worst thing to ever happen to any of us," he said. He reached and took Ronan's closer hand, as if it offered something to him other than discomfort. "And I know it still hurts you, because it still hurts me. It still hurts Declan. But eventually I had to stop mourning. I had to try and move on. We all do. It doesn't offend them. They'd understand. Don't go back to that place, Ronan. Please."

Hearing the plea in his brother's voice was uncomfortable. He jerked his hand out from under Matthew's.

"This isn't about them," he said.

"I know." Matthew ducked his head. "It's about Adam."

Saying his name out loud felt like a gunshot to the heart.

"You hate him for what he did," Matthew added.

That set Ronan's jaw to clench, the bottom half jutting out. He stared down at his empty hands, shaking at the memories of where they've been, what they've touched. His flat palms balled into tight fists, and then he dug them into his knees.

"I don't... _hate_ him," he clarified.

"You were great together. He was good to you." Matthew didn't know when to stop talking. A fault of his he constantly battled with. Ronan closed his eyes to his words, hoping somehow he could ignore them entirely. "He's a great guy who made some ridiculous mistake. But if you think about it, it was really nice because-"

"Get out, Matthew," he said, so quiet and gentle, but stern enough it got the point across. He was going to break again if he weren't careful. "I don't want to hear it."

Matthew touched at his shoulder. "He genuinely cares about you," he said. "No one goes through all the shit he's gone through to make you happy if he didn't care."

Ronan winced.

"Are you in the Adam Parrish fan club now or something?" he hissed, opening his eyes to stare at his brother in utter disbelief.

Mathew genuinely shrugged at him.

"If he had one, I would join," he said. "Yeah. So he did a shitty thing. I know he feels horrible about it. He deserves at least to be heard."

He nearly flinched again, but held himself together enough to simply frown.

"How do you know he feels horrible?" he said. He was a mixture of emotions, wanting him to feel horrible for lying to him, and wanting him to never know pain again. His hands moved off his lap to both angrily grip at the bed. 

"I made friends with Blue last night," Matthew replied. "She told me."

Ronan didn't want to care. He really, really didn't. He stayed silent after that, not giving in to ask how he made friends with Blue or why. It didn't matter.

It took until now for Matthew to realize this was going nowhere, and he sighed.

"Did I tell you that I punched Tad in the face?"

The abrupt change of subject, as well as the subject, startled Ronan enough out of his stupor to bewilderingly react. He brightened a little, if only because he was a little proud.

"Really?" he said.

"Don't tell Declan," Matthew replied.

He put an arm around his baby brother and yanked him closer to him on the bed.

"Oh, I'm telling everybody," he said.

Matthew laughed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After the dance Adam went home to Blue's. He couldn't possibly go back to his just yet. To be somewhere that had so much of Ronan's presence in it now.

He'd been crying much of the night with Blue hugging him as he did. Now that the tears were dry he lay there quietly on the bed, facing away from her, staring off at nothingness for a good long while. This was exactly what he thought would happen when or if Ronan were to find out. He felt destroyed.

"I don't know what to do," he said, voice sounding strained after the hours of wasting it with sobbing. He felt Blue reaching around him to hug him again, but he politely shook her off.

"There's nothing you can do, Adam," she said. "You just have to have patience."

"Fuck patience."

She sat up and he could see her shadow cut across the floor.

"Ronan, is that you?" she said, lightheartedly.

Adam swatted her away. She chuckled just enough. He wished he could laugh. But her heart wasn't the one currently corroding.

"You're not funny," he said.

Blue clearly thought she was as her smile was still evident when she leaned down into his shoulder. He could see just enough of it above.

"Have you tried calling him again?" she said.

Adam nodded, rubbing his eyes even though they were worn raw and dried.

"This morning," he answered, voice still burning his throat every word. "Six times. It went to voicemail every one of them."

Hearing Blue sigh, Adam felt forced to sit up. He knew he couldn't do this forever. He had a life to return to, a schedule. Work was in a few hours, which he hoped would keep his mind in check, distract him from all this.

"Gansey hasn't had any luck either," Blue said, as she followed suit and sat up with him.

Adam didn't care what Gansey's luck was, but at the same time it was at least mildly comforting that he wasn't forgiving Gansey before he forgave him. If he ever were to.

"Maybe he just needs time," Blue said. "Space."

"It's Ronan," he said. He couldn't fault her for not knowing him like he did, but when he thought of giving him time and space it made him feel worse than he already did. And he felt like he had been hit by a semi truck, and every muscle, vein, bone in his body was in pain. "The longer he stews with these feelings the more it'll eat at him. He has a habit of overthinking about these things."

Blue tapped at her chin as she looked at him. He could see her pensive expression across from them reflected back in a mirror.

"Sounds familiar," she said.

"Blue, not now." He couldn't handle jokes. "He asked me if he was that undesirable that someone had to be paid to date him."

Now Blue could really see the extent of the damage done, and she was swift to put her arms around him as if somehow she could protect him from all this. Feeling her offering comfort like that made him feel both worse and a little relieved. He started to cry again, though the tears were hard to come out, stinging his dry eyes. "I really fucked this up, Blue. I don't know what to do."

"It'll be okay," she said. "You'll be okay."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

School on Monday was a fucking nightmare. Work Sunday did no good for Adam, and now here he was projected back into the brunt of it, surrounded by his peers who likely all knew the story by now. Not to mention it was still finals, a pain to think about amongst the rest of this.

As Adam walked through the halls he expected people to stare or react to him, but much to his surprise and delight no one did. Everyone either didn't care or didn't know, and to Adam that was one small solace in all this. Whichever it was.

He made it to his locker and opened it for his things. While standing there he half hoped Ronan would close it on him like he sometimes did, kiss him against the wall until he laughed or swatted him off. None of that happened. Instead he fished out his things and walked to class.

On the way, he found Noah by his locker just a short distance past his. When they acknowledged one another, Adam looked at him expectantly, asking with his eyes if he had seen Ronan. Noah shook his head no, and Adam swallowed back the idea of a tear and moved on.

In English, he sat where he always sat, but today someone else was in the seat Ronan was used to since they started dating, leaving his old seat open for him instead a couple rows over. Adam couldn't help but stare after it longingly, with the knowledge that he wasn't coming. He began to sink in his seat, knowing this.

Well, it was his education he was throwing away.

Their poems were due today, their final in this class. If he didn't turn it in by hand now, he failed the assignment.

Mr. Bouford arrived as the bell rang, piles of old assignments under his arms. He set them down at his desk and sighed, registering his class with a little nod.

"Does everyone have their poems?" When the whole class grunted in agreement, he split a small smile. "Great. Who wants to read theirs aloud first?"

Adam was overwhelmed. Subtly he picked his paper off his desk and disappeared it onto his lap. He didn't want to have to read it out loud. That seemed to be the common consensus with the class. No one wanted to read these to the others.

Then the door swung open, gently bumping against the wall, and everyone turned. It was Ronan, and Adam felt his whole body jerk at his presence. He wanted so many things at once that conflicted with each other to the point he was left there staring, silent.

"Mr. Lynch," Mr. Bouford exclaimed. "So glad of you to join us. You're just in time to come read your poem to the class."

Ronan's brow furrowed. He looked as much of a wreck as Adam did.

"Do you want a zero for the final?"

Ronan hesitated at the idea, looking down at his bag. He then looked over at Adam, and Adam stared back defiantly. In silence he requested him to offer him something, anything. Some glimmer of hope. Instead he looked away as quick as he had turned to look, stomping up to the front of the room. In his walk he fished through his backpack for his poem, a crumpled piece of paper that looked less like an official assignment and more something for scribbling.

At the front his eyes ran over the entire spread of their classmates, avoiding looking Adam's way again. He grunted as he set the paper down by his side.

"I'd rather take the F," he said.

In the furthest back row, Tad could still be heard snickering.

"Bet you didn't even write a poem," he announced.

His continued lack of self awareness amazed Adam, watching Ronan hesitate again. He couldn't even scowl at Tad, something about all this hitting him too hard.

When Adam wheeled around, he found Tad there with his sunglasses on and a clearly bruised nose, swollen by the looks of things from Matthew's punch. He looked like a mess.

"What's so funny, Tad?" Adam snarled. "Your face?"

Tad promptly shut up. A few of their other classmates laughed a little at his comment, and Adam watched as Tad sank down in his seat.

"Mr. Carruthers, I'll take it you'll go next?"

Tad paled and looked to want to argue, but Adam looked forward again after that and didn't see how else he reacted.

Ronan still stood there, the poem by his side. With a fleeting glance Adam's way he suspected he didn't intend Adam to see, he picked up the paper with both hands again, holding it before him to read. His voice wavered on every word.

 

_you meet a god at church and you believe them to be true_

_you meet a god in homeroom and question your faith entirely_

_but he stands there with his shoulders spread_

_with hands built for worship and freckles   like a map_

_to guide you to his arms, where love is waiting for you_

_and a heart and home of something once imagined_

_you dreamt of this day, and now it's reality born true_

_a smile born of summer and a touch that heals old wounds_

_but nothing good can last from gods_

_and so his hands slip from you, and his eyes move on from you_

_like the sun, he sets on you to shine on another_

_you're left out in the cold alone with only but a memory, of a taste of what love was like_

_and if asked to do it all again_

_you wouldn't hesitate to say yes_

_knowing you were all the better for it_

_even to its bitter end_

 

With a fire brewing inside him, Ronan angrily brushed off a few stray streams of tears that ran down his face. He then slammed the paper onto Mr. Bouford's desk, before grabbing his bag off the floor and storming out.

Adam sat there, knowing full well what it meant. What he was saying. A taste of what love was like. Chills ran up his skin recalling every line from the poem. His leg was jittering watching Tad move to the front of the room, seeing him quiver with the knowledge his poem could never compare.

Adam was once again horrified by his actions, sitting there unsure what to do.

That morning he sent him _I miss you_ , but he couldn't tell if he came to school because of that or because of their final.

He then got up, too, mumbling something about the bathroom. Ronan wasn’t in the hall when he looked for him, and when he went outside he could see his truck was missing from the parking lot. He was gone.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Noah was sitting upside down on the sofa, while Gansey was right side up and having a terrible time at it. He had his face in his hands, moaning into them as he so wished he could fix what had been broken. Ronan was so pissed, and he was avoiding them, avoiding school. It was Tuesday and he didn't show up for any of his classes. This was a clusterfuck.

"I told you it was going to end badly," Noah mused, still upside down for god knows what reason.

Gansey looked at him through the spread of his fingers, frowning determinedly at him. "Don't pull the I told you so's right now, Noah," he said.

Noah recognized his mistake and looked to right it, rolling off the sofa to stand upright. He stood in front of Gansey now, unable to sit still for one second since all this began.

"Has he replied to you yet?" he asked.

"No." Gansey leaned against the back of the sofa and shut his eyes. He felt ever the failure. "You?"

"No." Noah groaned and kicked at something. Gansey opened his eyes at the sound but still couldn't tell what he kicked. Perhaps himself. "I don't know why he's mad at _me_. I wasn't a part of this." Gansey didn't even wait to give him an  _are you serious_ look. Immediately, Noah faltered. "Okay, not willingly," he added.

It was the best form of guilt admittance he was going to get from Noah, who while he stated his hesitance about the whole thing still went along with it in some form.

"I just worry what he'll do alone out there," Gansey observed out loud.

Noah scoffed. "He has Declan and Matthew. He isn't _alone_."

"I just wish he understood my reasoning."

"Gansey, stop."

They looked at one another, mutually recognizing that fighting amongst themselves did nothing. And then the front door to Gansey's apartment blew wide open and banged hard against the wall. Blue came in, looking regrettably at the door as the wind carried her inside. She shut it behind her with an awkward grace, and then acted as if nothing happened. Hands on her hips she registered both boys with a look of disappointment.

"Alright, you shitheads," she said. "Get off your asses."

"Blue, what is this?" Gansey asked. He hadn't expected her to drop by today.

"It's time to fix this bullshit," she said.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Finals were over on Wednesday, and Ronan didn't come back to class the rest of the week. He calculated it in his head, and he would still pass the classes he had finals in on those days even if he didn't go. He did well enough this semester for once he would get C's. He was fine with C's.

It was Thursday now, and since Monday he hadn't left the Barns again once. The only people he'd seen were Matthew and Declan. He stayed at the Barns the whole time, working.

Declan for once wasn't trying to give advice to him. Instead he told him that if he was going to stay home he should at least do chores. Ronan didn't mind. It gave him something to do, something to focus on. He cleaned the house the first day, dusted and vacuumed and mopped. He mowed the lawn the second day, and even helped maintain the fire lane on the border of the property, even though it was unlikely there would be a fire breaking out in this cold weather. On the third day he rested, with plans of preparing the cows for the more harsh winter weather tomorrow.

This was his future, so why not start now? There seemed to be no point to return to school in January. He wasn't sure his heart could take another look at Adam.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam felt like he fucked up so bad. Everything felt broken, not just his heart. He didn't want to be alone after this, so for the rest of the week so he was staying at Blue's. St. Agnes felt so much lonelier than it used to. Every inch of it reminded him of Ronan.

Blue and her family didn't mind Adam's presence. They loved him like he was their own, fed him and drove him to work even though he didn't ask for either of those things. Maura was as much his mom as she was Blue's, and now with him in this state of anger and anxiety it was nice to have someone adore him like she did. He didn't feel guilty or ashamed for it. Maura expected nothing in return, except maybe help on the dishes once in a while.

Blue and he were watching television on her laptop in her room when Gansey dropped by. It felt like an ambush, as Blue didn't look the least bit surprised by his arrival.

"I wanted to apologize to you again for-"

"I don't want to hear it." Adam shut the laptop, against Blue's interest.

"Hey," she said, opening it back up again.

"It's done," Adam said to Gansey. "We both fucked up."

"Yeah, but I messed up more. I'm the one he should blame, not you-"

"Shh." Blue closed her laptop again and moved to stand between them, even though all they were doing was staring across the room. "Time to move on from apologies."

Gansey looked to understand, nodding and taking Blue's hand when it was offered. But he still said, "I wish there was something I could do."

And Adam rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he'll forgive you in-"

"No. For _you_." That was surprising, enough it made Adam silent. "You two are perfect for each other. I want to fix it."

He sounded genuine and honest, speaking from the heart which was a place he didn't hear Gansey speak from often. In the end it didn't matter. Ronan wasn't going to forgive him just because Gansey said he should.

"You can't fix everything, Gansey." He moved to stand and leave, but when he got up he saw the small glimmer of hope in Gansey's eyes spark, and so he sat back down. "I've called him. Texted him. I even drove there last night with Blue. He doesn't want anything to do with me."

He remembered vividly the way Declan told him to leave, the certainty in his voice that Adam was a bad guy. Adam didn't know how to tell him that hurting Ronan was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

"Did he say that?" Gansey asked, perking up at the mention of dropping by.

"No. Declan did," Blue answered. Adam was too far gone in his own headspace to speak.

"Mm."

Blue and Adam exchanged a look as Gansey moved to sit at her desk, roused silent. Something suspicious was trickling in to his eyes.

"I've given up," Adam added, clarifying for Gansey to drop this. "If he won't hear me out, if he won't see that I..." He took a deep breath, and then said the last part, which was the hardest part. "So be it. I can be stubborn too."

Adam didn't need to hurt himself anymore than he already had. If Ronan wasn't going to listen, he was done trying to talk. Even if it meant the inevitable, that they weren't going to get back together.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ronan was in the fields with Chainsaw flying above them. Luna was let out to hang out with the adult cows, if only for a little while. She was still quite small and he liked keeping her in the barn at night because of the frost. But in the day, with mild sunlight and brisk winds, she was having fun interacting with the others.

As he came back toward the house he saw the familiar bright orange Camaro in the drive, and then saw Gansey sitting on his front steps. When they acknowledged each other, Gansey rose to his feet and brushed the dirt off his ones.

"Hey, you," he said.

"I'm going to have to talk to Declan and Matthew about leaving garbage on the porch," Ronan replied, hopping up the steps two at a time so he could disappear into the house faster. He kicked off his muddy boots by the doorway as Gansey turned to follow his movements.

"Ouch," he said. "Well deserved, though."

"Fuck off before I order Chainsaw to attack you," Ronan muttered. Chainsaw flapped her wings at the mention of her name.

Gansey's brow furrowed in response to his threat.

"She likes me," he said.

"Not anymore," Ronan spat. His hand was on the door knob but he hadn't turned it yet. "Neither do I for that matter."

He allowed himself a look over his shoulder at Gansey, who looked to have been crying recently, eyes red and hair a mess. He wasn't even wearing his usual garb, instead jeans and a sweatshirt from school. Gansey was a mess. This was him a mess. Served him right, Ronan thought.

"I know I fucked up," Gansey started.

"You think?" Ronan barked out a laugh, violent in its volume. "You _paid him_? Why would you fucking do that? You fucking asshole."

"Only the first couple times." Somehow that made it worse, knowing which times it was. "To ask you out, then to take you out. Before I realized you actually liked him, and before I realized he liked you. I thought it would help you. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted Ronan back-"

Ronan stuttered out a breath as he opened the door, watching Chainsaw fly inside before him.

"Eat a dick, Dick," he snapped. His voice strained, fighting back tears. He and Gansey had fights before but this felt different. This felt like a betrayal. "You were never getting the old Ronan back, Gansey. Definitely not now. You never know when to stop meddling. I'm not something you can fix like a fucking math problem. I'm a person. I have feelings."

He finally turned and glared at Gansey, watching his reaction. There was sympathy in his eyes as he stared back, and Ronan dropped his gaze when he could see his own hurt face reflected in Gansey's shifting expression to pain. His eyes flickered down to Ronan's hands, and Ronan's own attention drifted to check what he was looking at. When he realized his bracelet was in view, he shied his hand away from Gansey's gaze.

"I'm well aware of that, Ronan," he said. He spoke with such simplicity, detachment. Ronan's eyes began to hurt as tears tried to escape him.

"Then why the fuck did you pick the guy of my dreams to break my fucking heart?" he said, snarling at him with his words.

"I....." Finally Gansey was no longer looking at him like something he could fix even now. He was recognizing in full his mistake. His fuck up.

"Get out," Ronan said, motioning for him to leave.

"I'm so sorry," Gansey said, his own voice quivering. Ronan couldn't take this any more.

"I don't care."

"I never meant...." Gansey's jaw locked and he shut his eyes, fighting back the urge to apologize again. Ronan heard enough already. "He tried to return the money, you know. More than once. You can hate me all you want, but Ronan, he deserves to be heard at least."

Ronan sniffled and turned away. He didn't want to know any of this.

"You know I love you, Ronan," Gansey continued. The porch creaked underfoot as he stepped closer. "You're my best friend."

"Not right now," Ronan whispered. "Just go."

Against his instincts, he didn't move even as he knew Gansey was moving in on him. Gansey hugged him from behind and Ronan let him. After a few seconds, he came to his senses and rolled his shoulder into Gansey to tell him to get off, and then he walked inside and slammed the door between them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam was hard at work underneath a car Friday night. It was late. He was alone except for Boyd in the office. There was rock music playing from his office, loud enough Adam could hear it and let it cloud his mind. Ronan hadn't responded to him at all still, and it sounded like it was never going to happen at this point. Which was fine. He was fine. Totally fine. Great even. He didn't need Ronan. He didn't need anyone. He was _great_.

Somehow he broke off a piece of the underside of the car he was under. Stunned, he let it fall loudly to the ground beside him, and rolled out from under the car to better get his bearings. He sat up with shaky hands, dirtied to the point there was grease and oil everywhere. Luckily the thing he broke off the car was an easy fix, but still.

He wasn't fine.

"Hey."

Adam looked up to find Henry approaching him with a gentle smile. He smiled back, limited in his efforts. After wiping his hands on his overalls, he moved to rise. Henry shook his head at him, already bending a knee.

"Oh, no. It's fine," he said. "I'll come to you."

He sat on the ground opposite Adam. They sat there in silence for a while as Adam tried to guess what it was he was here for.

"How've you been?" Henry asked.

Adam shrugged. He expected Ronan's friends to no longer be his after their breakup, and was surprised to find that that wasn't the least bit true. Noah came by yesterday to talk, and of course Gansey wouldn't leave him the fuck alone. Even Matthew messaged him a couple times, but that hurt more than comforted.

"I'm fine," he said, ignoring the crack in his voice as he said it.

Henry looked to notice too, but pretended he didn't. "Glad to hear it," he said. "Except you're not."

Adam twitched, but said nothing. He didn't want to get mad at Henry. He was too tired and overworked for this.

"Why aren't you trying anymore?" Henry asked. "If you really want it to work out, you have to try."

"If he doesn't want to hear me out, then fine," said Adam, shrugging it off like this was something minimal. Not his love life. "I'm done trying. It hurts too much."

"You're done? Really?" Henry rolled his eyes and ran his hands energetically through his hair. "You're just going to let this end like that? Dude, I saw the way-"

"My heart was broken too, okay?" Adam moved to wipe at his face but remembered his hands were dirtied by car juices. So he simply let his eyes fall down to the space between them, avoiding looking at Henry in the eyes. "I get it was by my own making. That I shouldn't have taken the money to begin with. But if he doesn't want to acknowledge how great we were together, then I don't see the point in pushing anymore."

Henry laughed. A real laugh, not the kind that came from awkward situations like this. He slapped his knee and then he slapped at Adam's, forcing him in a way to look up again.

"He's stubborn and you're stubborn," he said, "but you should put your stubbornness to better use than getting grease all over yourself under a car. I know you, Adam. You came to Aglionby as a transfer from a public local school and quickly rose up to be top of the class, likely valedictorian in May, and you're just going to let a little Ronan Lynch attitude keep you from fighting for your relationship?" He scoffed like it was the most absurd thing in the world. "One of you has to break, and I've known Ronan a long time. He can stew in his feelings forever if people let him. Sometimes he needs a nudge in the right direction. That's  _you_."

Henry rose after that, making it clear that's all he came for. Adam would've kept arguing if he felt there was a point to it. But he didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't like it.

"He's still wearing your bracelet," Henry noted, and Adam felt a pinch in his chest. "Take from that what you will."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was Saturday morning, a week since the dance, and Ronan lost all energy to get up again. He was in his room, with a chainsaw perched on his shoulder, as he watched his cooking show on his laptop, not even feeling any energy to get up and go watch it downstairs.

Gansey really fucked him up with all his Adam talk. So what if Adam tried to return the money? So what if he missed him too? Adam wasn't the one talking to him about this. He stopped trying. And Ronan wasn't about to go talk to him first. No no no.

Matthew knocked on his door and pushed it open before even waiting for Ronan to respond. Chainsaw jumped off his shoulder to investigate the new arrival as Ronan sat up, pausing his show.

"Go away, Matthew," he said. "I ate already."

"I'm not Matthew."

It was Noah, who walked in like a breath of fresh air. He missed Noah.

"Noah? What are you doing here?"

Noah sheepishly moved closer into his bedroom, but didn't come close enough to sit down.

"Henry and I were worried about you," he said.

Ronan jerked. "Henry's here?"

"Downstairs," Noah answered with a crook of his neck. "He wasn't sure if he was allowed up. How are you feeling? You haven't messaged back."

Ronan abandoned his phone on the floor a week ago and didn't bother touching it since.

"I turned my phone off after the dance," he said, motioning to it amongst the chaos on his floor. Seeing it there, Noah finally broke and he sighed, hands coming to his face.

"I knew it was a stupid idea--"

"You knew?" Ronan couldn't believe Noah betrayed him too, and yet somehow he didn't have that billowing heat of anger and betrayal in his chest that he felt all week.

"Ronan, I'm sorry." Noah came and sat next to him. "We're all sorry."

His proximity prompted Ronan to get off the bed, and he stood up to walk a few feet away from him. Suddenly he felt sick.

"I can't talk to you right now," he said.

Noah threw a sock at his back, and Ronan felt it slap at his neck, turning to catch it as it fell down. He threw it back.

"You haven't been happy in two years, Ronan," he said. "It felt like we were losing you. It's no excuse. Nothing we can say will ever make it okay what happened. But it happened. And it gave you Adam. And god you were so happy with him. I had my friend back. You don't know how that felt, to feel helpless watching you rot away. He brought you back to life."

Ronan grabbed another sock and threw it at him. Noah threw it back, hitting him in the face.

"Why aren't you defending Gansey like this?" he asked.

Noah rolled his eyes and looked down at his hands. There was sadness in his voice, in his face, in his gestures, but it was reserved. Like he was trying not to show it in front of Ronan for fear of scaring him away.

"Because Gansey's a known fool and undoubtedly you'll forgive him eventually anyway," he said, to which Ronan didn't respond. It was probably true. They were best friends. They've survived through a lot already. This was just another thing to survive through. Eventually.

Observant as he was, Noah recognized talking about any of it any longer was unwise. He shifted around on the bed for a moment, and then got up to stand in front of Ronan, offering him something with his presence.

"Do you want to hang out?" he asked.

"No." Ronan shook his head and moved to give Chainsaw attention, using her as an excuse to turn his back to Noah for a moment. "I think l'll stay here. Thanks though. I just need time alone."

"You sure?" Noah came over with him and gave Chainsaw a little belly rub. She liked it.

"Not enough." Ronan struggled not to cry. "I loved him, Noah."

"I'm sorry." Noah hesitated a moment, and then ignored whatever instinct told him to and hugged Ronan from his side. Ronan recalled his hug from Gansey yesterday, and he turned into this one, hugging him back.

"You smell like shit. Take a shower," said Noah.

Ronan almost laughed. He choked out a breath instead. "Here I thought you were the one that smelled bad," he joked.

"Nope." They stopped hugging, and Noah gently punched him in the shoulder. "All you. And turn your phone on. Okay? So I can actually contact you."

"Whatever." Ronan rolled his eyes.

Noah moved to leave, smiling like he made some sort of breakthrough with Ronan. Perhaps he did, something Ronan couldn't see yet. At the doorway, Noah paused and turned back, his smile less pristine than before.

"I know asking if you're okay is moot, but will you be okay?" he said.

"Eventually."

When Noah left, Ronan shut his door behind him and lay back on the bed a while. He contemplated life, contemplated what people kept suggesting to him. It was the lie that hurt most of all, the money thing a problem too, but they _had_ been happy. He couldn't deny that. Could he?

Chainsaw was judging him from the corner of the room, and he was compelled to get up again. He groaned as he walked into the bathroom, finding Adam's toothbrush next to his at the sink like he did every morning. This time it didn't make him want to cry.

As he waited for the water in the shower to get hot he went and grabbed his phone off the floor, turning it on reluctantly if only to make Noah happy.

He couldn't believe Noah knew, but Noah tended to know a lot of things. He didn't fault him for being unable to get Gansey to stop with his stupid idea. It was often hard to convince Gansey to stop something once he started it.

Once his phone was on, he was flooded with messages. From Noah. Henry. Some from Matthew that weren't important. One asked if he was okay after the dance but the rest were things like "did you want anything at the store?"

Gansey’s were a bunch of apologies.

And then he received several from Adam. They started from the first night.

 

_ronan please talk to me_

_let me explain_

_please_

_ronan_

_are you really going to let tad ruin this?_

 

_can we talk?_

 

_I miss you_

 

_are you okay?_

 

_okay. I'll stop. I get it._

_just know, you were the best thing to ever happen to me._

 

_I want to keep fighting but you won't answer my calls, and you didn't come back to school, and Declan said you don't want to see me. I just hope you're okay._

 

_I miss you._

 

Ronan didn't know how to feel about any of that. To know he gave up. That he had somehow forced Adam's hand, who was known not to give up on anything, and yet gave up on this. He hates that he wishes he tried harder. He hated that he wished he said something back. He almost replied, but thought better of it and turned his phone back off instead, hopping into the shower. 

After, he headed out to the barn to see Luna. Likely Declan or Matthew didn't take her out to the other cows when they went to feed her. He'd fix that problem.

He opened the large barn door to find hundreds of new paper cranes scattered across every surface of the barn, in variety of colors and sizes, but all the same iconic shape.

Through the chaos of them all, he then found Adam sitting in the back, and his heart very nearly burst out at the sight of him. Having been spotted, Adam rose from where he sat on a bale of sat. In his hands he was holding a small bag of some sort. Ronan's heart continued to ache as he looked at him, looked at the broken expression in his face staring back. He missed him so much he was on the verge of crying. He ached for him in new ways as he watched him come closer.

"What is this?" He kept his distance, however, cautious. He couldn't handle his heart being broken again. "Why are you here?"

Adam withered a little at his tone, and then stopped halfway to him. He swung and tossed him the bag, Ronan catching it out of instinct. He felt it in his hands, a little heavy. 

"I wanted to talk," said Adam. His voice was as soft as he remembered.

"I'm not interested in talking to you," he said. He couldn't do this. He couldn't talk about his feelings like this.

“You know me," Adam hissed. He stepped even closer, and Ronan moved to step back, but he hit the barn door behind him and froze. "You know every inch of me. I know every inch of you."

“Do I? You lied to me for months.” Ronan cowered and looked back down at the bag. He opened it, curious against his best interest. It was a bunch of money. He grimaced.

"What the fuck, Parrish?"

"It's the money Gansey gave me."

Ronan flinched and dropped the bag. Adam didn't respond to his reaction. He just watched him, patient and reserved.

"It's almost all there," he said, "except what I spent on my Halloween costume and the ticket for the concert. I gave it to Blue the moment I realized you liked me. "

"How nice of you," Ronan said tersely.

Adam rolled his eyes at him as if this were a standard argument. He almost broke, but he was still mad at him.

"It's yours to do with as you wish," said Adam, talking like Ronan was being an asshole about this. Maybe he was. "I don't care what you do with it."

Ronan's hands were shaking, and then they balled into fists, and then they went flat on his thighs.

“I don't want to talk anymore, Parrish," he said, grating his teeth as he moved to leave. "You know, this is breaking and entering."

It didn't matter that what he had done with the barn was beautiful, that it reminded him of his mom, that Adam here at all felt like home. He was so angry that he couldn't think straight, almost crying as he left the barn.

"You can be so stubborn!" he heard shouted behind him.

He barely turned to see Adam stomping across the barn at him, hopping over spaces where there were no origami paper cranes. Ronan flinched as he came and poked him on the chest.

"Okay, I fucked up, and I get that, but what we have is amazing," he argued. "I get being upset but what I don't get is you willingly throwing it all away. Tad doesn't deserve to get to spoil this."

"You spoiled this," Ronan replied.

"I'm trying to fight for it right now, but you're pissing me off," Adam retorted.

They rolled their eyes at the same time.

"Oh _no_. I'm _pissing you off_? My bad."

Adam poked him on the chest again. Why was he fighting him like this if he texted he was done trying to talk?

"I regret taking the money from Gansey every day," Adam said angrily. There were tears pooling at the edge of his eyes, and Ronan had to look away. "You don't think I feel horrible? I almost confessed to you a thousand times, and the only reason I didn't was because I admit I was selfish. I didn't want to lose you. But you know what? I don't regret what happened because of it. I got to know you, I got to see what was under your anger and your self hatred. I met Ronan, and I am so grateful for that. We were both so clueless before, I don't know if we would have ever gotten the privilege of this if it weren't for that."

Ronan scowled at the dirt ground.

"So I should be thanking you now?" He let out a sick laugh, twisted from how angry he was. "Thank you for giving me the best two months of my life and then hurting me? Thank you for taking a bribe from someone I thought was my friend?"

Adam shook his head, ignoring the tears that were streaming down his face. He let them fall.

"No, but you should recognize that if this hadn't happened we would still be at odds with one another like before," Adam declared. "Flirting by way of insulting each other about Latin and grammar. Never actually having a real conversation. You know I'm right. Sometimes good things come from bad situations, and this is one of those times. I made a poor judgment on one thing, but it led me to you. To your stubbornness. To your terrible music. To the way you like to sleep with your hand in my shirt. To how you always texted good morning and good night if we weren't together. And that you pretended you overpacked your lunches so that I would have something to eat ever day. I miss you so much."

Ronan's lips quivered as he could feel tears spilling down his cheeks, too. He wished he hated him. It would've made this so much easier if he hated him. But he didn't really. He loved him. That didn't change the fact Adam lied.

"You might not have meant to hurt me, but you did," he said. "I don't want your money and I don't want your fucking origami birds. Why did you even make them?"

Adam rolled his eyes and laughed a little, a maniacal breathy laugh that turned Ronan's stomach into knots.

"I've been making them for weeks. They were supposed to be a surprise for you."

"Why?"

"Because I'm in love with you, asshole!" he shouted.

Ronan's mind went white. He felt something squeeze in his chest as everything started to spin. The world tilted, as everything came crashing in on him. He had no idea that Adam. That he. That he.

"You what?"

"I said I'm in love with you." Adam sounded irritated having to repeat it. "I made those paper cranes for you, I wrote a stupid poem for you, and I have been a mess without you. Fuck you for thinking otherwise. I fucked up, and you don't have to forgive me, but don't you _ever_ think for one second that I didn't care for you wholeheartedly. Because I did. And I do. And I always will."

His voice was shaking as he reached the end, and it was then and only then that he wiped away his tears with an angry swat. When he finished talking he looked at Adam with such an ache. Unable to handle it he let his gaze drop down, and felt like a coward when he did.

Adam threw a crumpled piece of paper at him before storming off. He heard him walk away, before he felt courage enough to reach down and grab the paper. It was a poem, Adam's poem from class. His hands were trembling as he read it, noticed the stains of past tears on the page.

 

_oceans of blue_

_crystal and clear as the sky_

_they drown me_

_mountains of curves and straight roads of sharp features_

_built like a titan but soft like a man_

_I lose myself_

_in the arch of a brow_

_pillars of white in spaces of red_

_peeking and shining with sunlight between them_

_a flick of a tongue like a serpent's, it stings_

_words with no meaning are spoken like air_

_he sings to me of love and adoration_

_with the sunlight coming through_

_I allow myself to dream of what it means to be loved_

_and I drown_

 

Ronan read it over again and again, overstimulated by his words. His body reacted before his brain did, chasing after Adam before realizing he was.

He circled around him and cut him off, citing an angry look from Adam in response. He startled still, crying but trying to tame it. Seeing him like this, Ronan could finally see just how much this was affecting him too. He was hurt, too. Ronan felt horrible that he made Adam cry, something he never wanted to do again. As Adam used his sleeves on his nose and his eyes, Ronan almost reached to touch him, but he realized he hadn't said anything to allow that.

"If you hate me so much, why won't you let me leave?" Adam gasped.

"I don't hate you," said Ronan, to Adam's surprise. "I'm hurt, but I don't hate you. God, I wish I hated you."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Thanks."

"I just mean-" Ronan took a deep breath, fighting back his urge to not open up. "When Tad told me, I thought he was lying, and then I saw the look on your face and I realized he was telling the truth. Then I started searching for reasons you would do this and I started getting in my head that it made sense, because in what world would you ever want to be with me? Amazing, smart, funny you. You could have anyone. You could have the world."

Adam looked to want to speak, but Ronan pressed a finger to his lips. He needed to say this, to finish.

"And then I was just hurt," he said. "I went through so many scenarios in my head about why you did it and I just.... I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I'm still mad, but- I just want you. I love you, too. How you tend to fall asleep at your desk studying. The way you duck down in your chair when you're embarrassed. Your smile every time we see a dog. _Your_ stubbornness. I still hurt, but I love you more than I hurt."

He didn't tell him how he almost texted him a thousand times, and almost came back to school to talk to him a thousand more. How he almost went to St. Agnes, but when he went to get into his truck it was the one day Matthew borrowed it, and the BMW had a flag. How he missed him every day. How he just wanted that happiness back that Tad stole from him. How stupid he felt for letting this go on for a week.

Adam looked up at him, eyes startlingly wide and open. Some unknown feeling flickered across them, and then there was a hand at his shirtfront. Adam dragged him in to kiss him. Something he missed very, very much.

It was familiar, which it should be after only a week apart. Adam's mouth spread open and Ronan was rejoined with the sweet feeling he got every time they kissed. He sighed, as Adam's hands came to meet at his back. They were both crying. It was a mess. But Ronan was happy. Whole again.

"I love you," he said again into the kiss. Adam smiled and repeated it back at him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Gansey and Blue and Henry and Noah were all sitting together in a parked car down the driveway out of view, waiting for word from Adam if he was successful or not.

"He's been gone an awfully long time," Henry murmured.

"Maybe Ronan didn't go to the barn," Blue suggested.

Noah gaped. "Excuse me," he said. "He went to that barn, okay? I convinced him to shower."

"The world thanks you," Blue replied.

"Do you think it worked?" Gansey was fidgeting in the front passenger seat, shaking the whole car with his actions. "Do you think they're yelling at each other? Do you think Declan yelled at them again?"

"Gansey," Blue reached over and placed a hand to his shoulder. "I love you, but please shut up."

She was worried that Adam and Ronan were fighting, and if they were she was ready to kick some ass, whether it was Adam's initial lie that started this or not. No one yells at Adam and gets away with it. She just hoped that wasn't the case. That they finally stopped fighting and were talking. Adam deserved to be happy, and while she still was surprised it was with Ronan, she'd never seen him happier.

Gansey frowned at her as she removed her hand. "I can't believe we're just sitting here waiting," he grumbled.

"Gansey, be quiet for once I beg you," said Noah in the back.

"I bet they're having sex," said Henry.

All three of them turned to look at Henry in horror of him saying that out loud.

"What?" Henry assessed the situation and rolled his eyes. "God all of you are such prudes."

Blue stared back out the front, laughing a little at the absurd thought. She still couldn't see any movement from where they parked, waiting.

Her phone beeped, and the whole car went silent as she took it out of the cup holder between her and Gansey. She read the text, then showed the others.

Henry looked at her knowingly, arching his brow. She frowned at him, before smiling wide back down at her phone.

"It could mean anything," she said.

_Don't wait up._

But she knew one thing. It meant he was okay.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They were laying in bed, just lying there in the tranquil quiet of the late morning. It was still misty outside and visibly cold through the window, while Adam was warm next to Ronan, lying on top of all the sheets still in their clothes. His face hurt from all the smiling, eyes still stinging from all the previous crying.

Adam was comforted by the feeling of Ronan's breath against his face, his arms wrapped around him, with the familiar smell of his skin. Of his room. The familiar sound of Chainsaw chewing on something in the corner. He closed his eyes a while back, just exploring the moment of having Ronan back, of Ronan's hand gently tracing along the edges of Adam's ear and his cheek. Whispers of kisses were given to his forehead and his cheeks, and Adam's smile nearly broke at how much he missed this.

"Who were you texting just now?" Ronan asked, sounding more curious than anything. Adam leaned into him, as if there were any more space to lean into. He still hadn't opened his eyes, hoping if this were some dream that he didn't wake up.

"Blue," he said. "Told her to go home."

"She's here?" Ronan sounded shocked. Adam snorted.

"They all are," he said. "They came sort of as moral support."

Ronan huffed. "Those fucks."

"Hey." Adam turned Ronan's face toward his and opened his eyes. Even though he knew he was kidding, he didn't want him to even pretend to be annoyed. He kissed him again, soft and slow and spine tinglingly. When he heard Ronan sigh against him, he retracted. "Are we really okay?" he asked.

"Yeah." Ronan breathed hard a moment, quiet. He nodded when Adam kissed him again. "Yeah, we are."

Adam smiled. He brushed his nose against Ronan's cheek, missing being able to do any of this. His lips grazed the skin at his high cheekbone, delicately kissing along the line there until he felt Ronan shiver.

"I liked your poem," he said. It made him cry, but he didn't say that part.

"Even better than freckles freckles freckles?" Ronan teased.

"Yes that was a tad repetitive and redundant," Adam remarked, rolling his eyes.

Ronan kissed him again, unable to stop themselves from making up for lost time. "I meant every word," he said.

"About my freckles?"

"No, asshole." Adam laughed freely as Ronan blushed. "About the other one."

Adam lost his breath seeing the way Ronan was seeing him. To be viewed as a god, as a thing of worship, it made him feel so adored. So special. He reached and cupped at Ronan's cheek with his hand, his thumb gently grazing over Ronan's lips.

"I meant every word of mine too," he said. "I love you."

Every time he said it he felt more and more comfortable with saying it out loud. He could yell it from the rooftops if allowed. Ronan smiled back at him, hopelessly happy like he was.

"I love _you_ ," he replied back. His hands moved to rest under Adam's sweater, between it and his shirt. They didn't venture to bare skin, not yet. They were feeling everything out again between each other, almost back to 100% but not quite. 85%, Adam would guess, with the way Ronan was kissing him.

"You keep the money, okay?" Ronan suggested.

"Really?" Adam was dumbfounded he would offer it. After everything, he wouldn't have expected him to say that. "I don't-"

"You should keep it." Ronan said it like there was no argument around what he said. Adam looked him up and down and then kissed him. He felt his pocket buzzing from more messages from people, and he ignored each and every one of them. This was just a moment for them.

"I'm sorry for everything I said," Ronan said between kissing. "For not listening. For leaving you just after you told me about your-"

"Shh." Adam gently bit him at the neck to quiet him. "Just keep kissing me, loser. That's all I want."

Ronan laughed, a startled sound in partial reaction to the bite. He was blushing for some reason as he smiled so wide and freely at Adam, who was smiling just as wholly back.

"I can do that," Ronan said.

As they continued kissing, Adam's phone continued to buzz. It created a strange sensation as Ronan's tongue was feeling around inside his mouth. But then it was gone, as were his lips, and his hands were searching for which pocket his phone was in.

"What are you-?"

Ronan picked up his phone and looked down at the long row of messages, from Noah and Henry and Blue and Gansey. All of them asking the same thing.

Ronan smirked as he unlocked Adam's phone, knowing the passcode for weeks now.

 

_go home you losers. i'll take him back home later_

 

When he was finished he turned Adam's phone off and dumped it back onto the bed, rolling over onto Adam to kiss him properly again.

"You know, I am home," he said, recognizing how barf worthy it was, but how much harder it even was to say it. That's what made being back at St. Agnes at all last week so hard. Home wasn't exactly _here_ , but it felt more like one to him. Somewhere he belonged. With Ronan.

Ronan stared down at him with such a soft gaze, like he was staring back at his whole world. He could see Ronan's poem in his eyes as he looked down at him, feeling cherished in ways he never believed possible.

"Don't be so fucking cheesy," Ronan said, a teeth baring grin splitting straight across his face.

Adam rolled his eyes and groaned. "You shit. You ruined the moment."

Ronan quieted him with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks everyone! there's one last chapter to read after this please enjoy :)
> 
> as always please leave kudos and feedback/comments as i thrive on both lol
> 
> tumblr - cabeswatergreywaren


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan dropped by, waiting outside with the engine still running. Blue hugged him goodbye, and then so did everyone else. It became a huge affair, that ended only when Ronan honked his horn.
> 
> Adam rolled his eyes.
> 
> "He can be so immature," he mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i posted this at the same time as chapter 9, so if you're reading this chapter and confused as to what happened after the dance chances are you accidentally skipped ch 9!

It snowed two weeks later, just in time for the holidays, and for once Adam had nothing holding him back to enjoy himself. All of it was in the past and out in the open. Finally, he really did believe he and Ronan knew each other completely, and it didn't scare him anymore.

He was to spend Christmas with Blue and her family, as he had the last couple years. While everything was okay with him and Ronan now, he wanted to give him the holiday to be with his family, and in a way Adam was spending his holiday with his own.

"Adam!" The women of Fox Way all moved to embrace him as he arrived with Blue, bringing with him a pie as requested.

After getting hugs from six different people six different directions, Blue saved him from suffocating and walked with to the kitchen.

Inside, Maura was at the sink washing vegetables, Orla was at the stove stirring something that vaguely smelled like a broth of some sort, and there were three other women Adam didn't remember the names of either chopping or straining or sautéing something. And then there was Gansey, sitting at the table chatting to them all.

When they were spotted, Gansey's face brightened and he moved to hug him without even waiting to speak.

Upon the intense embrace, Adam grunted from the severity of his hugs, succumbing to it like he always did. Blue was doing her best not to laugh at his expression. In recent weeks Gansey became a hugger, and every time Adam was again surprised by it.

"Hey, Gansey," he moaned, trying to breathe but straining for it.

"Hi, Adam," Gansey replied, and finally he let him breathe.

They saw each other only a couple days ago, when Adam, Blue, Ronan, and Gansey met up at Nino's for the first time since Gansey and Ronan last fought. It was weird at first, but by the end of it Ronan seemed to inevitably soften just a little at a joke Gansey made. Gansey offered his fist to Ronan as they started to depart from one another, to fistbump; and as if it were the first time, Ronan hesitantly returned it. It was something. Ronan was still pissed at him, but at this point it felt more so he was pissed just because.

"I didn't realize you'd be coming," Adam noted, as one of Blue's pseudo aunts came and took the pie from his hands.

Gansey shrugged, resuming his sit at the table. "My parents went to Aspen this year," he said. "Didn't really feel like joining. Blue was kind enough to invite me. Do you like scrabble?"

Adam was surprised by literally everything that came out of his mouth, but he knew he shouldn’t be. He was finding that Gansey wasn’t completely the guy he thought he was initially. He liked the quieter things, rather than the extravagant. But a lot of things about him still screamed money.

“Does Ronan know you stayed?” he asked. The mention of Ronan made him shift a little where he stood, exchanging his weight from one leg to the other.

“No,” he said. “I thought I’d give him the holidays before I annoyed him again.”

Leaving that topic behind, they went into the living room and sat on the floor together, surrounding the board game on three of its four sides. Together, they played Scrabble with intensity, Adam and Blue admittedly competitive. Gansey used unimpressive large words that even Adam sometimes didn't know, annoying him and Blue to the point she knocked over the board and suggested they play something else instead. This was how Gansey learned Blue was a sore loser at board games.

"You've incurred the wrath," Adam whispered. "Good luck."

He left to go to the bathroom, if only because it was the only place in the house that offered any form of privacy. Instead of using it for its purpose, he took out his phone to read messages.

Henry and Noah were visiting Henry's mom back in Vancouver, but were coming back for New Years Eve. They both messaged Adam Merry Christmas separately, which was the only gift he really needed. They were personalized, Henry's a quarter page long about how much he expected he was missed and how someday he was going to drag Adam there to show the city off to him. Since all of this began, he became better friends with Adam, something he never would have expected but wouldn't trade for the world.

And Adam had other messages as well, from Ronan, describing how dull Christmas was without him without saying those precise words. Adam couldn't help but roll his eyes, but smile at the same time.

 

**ronan** : _jeez have the witches vexed you or something? message me back asshole_

 

**adam** : _As a matter of fact yes I'm cursed now and can never leave the house again. sorry :(_

 

**ronan** : _shit well it's been real_

 

**adam** : _Not even going to try to fight to uncurse me? lousy boyfriend you are_

 

**ronan** : _hey i don't wanna get cursed too_

 

**adam** : _a true hero would risk that you know_

 

**ronan** : _pffffft who the fuck said i was a hero_

 

**adam** : _true. will you still visit me anyway?_

 

**ronan** : _maybe. depends_

 

**adam** : _on?_

 

**ronan** : _what do i get if i do_

 

Adam planned to respond, but first he scrolled a ways up in their conversation, back to when Adam was messaging Ronan during their fight. Hard to believe it was two weeks ago, when it felt like forever ago and also just yesterday. His chest clenched at the reminder of a week lost, of the heartache. Countless times he almost deleted them, but they were a reminder of what he and Ronan could come back from. That if they could survive that, they could survive anything. And they would.

There was a banging fist against the door that startled Adam to the point he almost dropped his phone in the sink.

"Oy, Parrish. You done yet?"

"Uh, just a minute."

Adam turned the sink on a second to make it sound like he was actually using the bathroom for its intended purpose.

 

**adam** : _the joy of my presence. see you at 7_

 

Shortly after, Adam returned back to the fold in the living room, now joined by Orla and several other younger members of the conclave of women. Adam remembered most of them from last year, greeting them all as they were then introduced to Gansey for the first time.

Dinner wasn't much long after, and they celebrated loudly and messily, as they did every year.  After, there were promises of palm readings and tarot cards, but Adam wasn't going to participate, same as he didn't participate last year. He didn't need his fortune told. He already knew it.

Besides, this year he had somewhere else to be.

Ronan dropped by, waiting outside with the engine still running. Blue hugged him goodbye, and then so did everyone else. It became a huge affair, that ended only when Ronan honked his horn.

Adam rolled his eyes.

"He can be so immature," he mumbled. He hugged Blue again before heading out toward Ronan. Upon locking eyes on the wall over, Ronan's blank expression drifted into a gallant smirk. He honked the horn again because he was an asshole, and Adam allowed himself to smile a little, rolling his eyes at him a second time.

Inside he kissed him hello, although really he shouldn't have with his childish behavior. Ronan greedily wrapped his arms around him a second, until Adam pulled to sit back and buckle in.

"Your breath tastes like fucking cherry pie," Ronan groaned. He made a face as he wiped at his mouth.

"Yeah, because I ate cherry pie." Adam shook his head as he waved at Blue and Gansey, still outside to watch them leave.

"Gross." Ronan leaned forward to wave a little too, and then he must have realized Gansey was there because his hand dropped.

"I didn't realize he was still in town," he said.

"Yeah." Adam turned back to him to see him still staring. "Want to say hi?"

"No." Ronan was quick to shift gears so they could start driving off. When the peeled from the curb, he then glanced back at Adam still staring at hi.  "Maybe I'll say hi tomorrow."

Adam could live with that. His hand came and found Ronan's as they drove away, connecting at the top of the shift gear knob. They drove for a while, Adam looking out the window through the precipitation that built on the glass. He watched the town go by them, blanketed in white that still looked new and soft. It hadn’t snowed for a few hours, but it was likely going to again that night. It was when they passed a sign that said _Thank you for visiting Henrietta! Please Come Again!_ that Adam realized they weren’t headed back to St. Agnes like he thought they were. He jerked his head off his arm to look at Ronan driving quietly.

"Thought we were going back to mine?” he said.

Ronan shrugged off the suggestion. “Nah,” he replied. “Got somewhere better.” He continued driving outside of town a ways, leaving Adam to try to figure out where exactly they were going. He stared out the window, at the familiar highway that led toward his house, but if it were his house they were headed he would have said something, no? When he glanced back at Ronan, he caught him stealing a look his way, too. "Besides, yours has no fucking heating,” Ronan added, like he were responding to something Adam said. "I'm not catching goddamn pneumonia."

Adam rolled his eyes. So they _were_ headed back to the Barns. He wasn’t surprised, but he was a little frustrated that he didn’t say anything. It dawned on him as they turned a left instead of keeping on the highway that the reason he said nothing was there was a pitstop along the way. Because of course there was. His hand purposefully slipped out of Ronan’s to cross over his chest along with his other one, frustratingly staring at his boyfriend from across the truck’s seat.

"Thought you promised no gifts,” he said.

Having been discovered, a little pink flushed into Ronan’s skin, creeping up his neck and a little into his cheeks. He buried it with a scowl, fresh and pointed, hunching a little forward as he kept driving on.

"This isn't a gift,” he said, argumentative. "It's nothing physical."

Adam arched one brow over the other in tentative curiosity. "What's that mean?” he saId.

Flustered to no end at having outed some form of his secret, Ronan hissed curses under his breath and glared harder at Adam with the few glances he stole. "Shut up,” he said, embarrassed. "You’ll spoil yourself.”

Something about this was endearing, even if Adam was still annoyed he was taking him somewhere unknown like this. He leaned forward and away from the seat, straining on his seatbelt that crossed his torso. His hand came up to touch Ronan’s knee, hoping he could get him to just spill the rest before they got there.

"So it _is_ a gift,” he said.

Ronan reluctantly met his gaze again and frowned at him for ruining this, to which Adam responded with a smile.

"It's a _surprise,_ ” Ronan said, heatedly. "There’s a difference. Will you calm down? Shit.”

Though they promised each other no gifts, Adam confessed he was intrigued, and so he sat there quietly and somewhat patiently the rest of the drive. It wasn’t long until they were pulling into a familiar diner, driving past it to the parking lot in the back. There it was, Cabeswater Park, and that’s when Ronan turned the engine off.

As Adam stepped out he already knew the significance of this place. It was where they had their first date, where they confessed things to each other. It was where the real start of this occurred.

"What are we here for?” Adam asked. It was dark out, almost impossible to see, but even with limited lighting Adam could tell they were alone. The diner was closed. No one would be at the park. It was just theirs.

But Ronan didn’t respond. He rolled his eyes at him like he were the one keeping secrets now, and he then walked to the bed of the truck and reached into it under the tarp that was tied down. Out from under it he pulled out a sled, worn and small, almost kid sized.

"Found it in the barn the other day,” he said, talking with a grin that held mischief in it. "Want to take it for a spin?"

Adam squinted over the back of the truck at him. "I can’t see,” he explained.

That’s when Ronan retrieved something out of his jacket pockets and flashed it at his eyes. The light blinded Adam and he winced, turning away while offering Ronan the middle finger as spots blurred his vision. He could hear Ronan snickering across from him as he groaned in irritation.

"I brought flashlights,” said Ronan.

“I can see that,” Adam remarked. “Or, well, I _could_.”

“You’ll be fine.” He felt Ronan next to him, hands at his elbows, pulling his arms down from his face. At once his hot breath was at his cheek, and then his lips were gently kissing around his eyes. Adam’s were still closed, but they were still rolling inside even though Ronan couldn’t see them.

“Dick,” he mumbled, but he leaned into Ronan’s touch anyway.

As they walked sloppily into the trenches of the park, it became clearer why they were out here. It wasn’t just to sled somewhere private. It was to make new memories here, something unburdened by that shitty secret he kept so long. It was a gift for both of them.

Adam’s ankles were getting soaked by the snow seeping into his jeans and his sneakers as they cut across the pathway and over what were once large fields of grass. Everything was white and cold and dark out here, but Adam was energized by the excitement to ride a sled for the first time. He didn’t say it out loud to Ronan, though, but he sensed he knew.

When they found the hill Ronan intended to find, they made their way up to the top and then Ronan set down the sled and handed off one of the flashlights to Adam.

“I’ll go first,” he said. “Watch how the master does it.”

He sat down on the sled with both legs up, hands on the sides, the flashlight pointing forward between his knees. It was suggested Adam push him, and when he did, Ronan started to slowly slide down from the top of the hill, and then all at once he was going down the side of it fast. He made it halfway, and then tipped over. Adam’s sneakers slipped on the ground at the top as he fell back laughing.

“Hey, asshole!” Ronan shouted from down the hill. “Help me up, would you?”

Even as Adam slid down the hillside to help him, he was still cackling, hand to his stomach as it ached from all the weight of his laughter.

“Is that how the master does it?” he said. “True masterwork, there.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Ronan said, significantly less threatening than it would have been to anyone else.

Together they continued to act childish in the snow, making shitty snow angels on the ground and going sledding a few more times. Adam’s first time was an adrenaline rush, his heart jumping up to his throat as he slid slow and then fast, making it all the way down before the sled skated to a halt down at the base. He shouted in triumph and raised his arms up into the air as he looked back over his shoulder up at Ronan still at the top. It was exciting, and then he went again.

At the foot of the hill, Adam kept slipping off and getting his ass wet as he fell every time after his first, and every time Ronan laughed as he helped him up, until the last time when he grabbed a fist full of snow and threw it playfully into Ronan's face. Which instigated a snowball fight that soaked them both through. They wrestled in the snow until it was clear not an inch of them was dry, and they suffered enough risk of hypothermia. They ran back into the truck after that, still playfully fighting in the snow every few feet. At one point they may have made out with the sled awkwardly between them.

When they got back to the Barns, they went straight into the living room and huddled together in front of the fireplace, teeth chattering and bodies shivering. Their hair was still dripping, faces blue.

Declan mocked them, which was the politest thing he'd done with Adam since he started dating Ronan again. He was apprehensive of him since, which Adam could understand. But he knew he wasn't going to break his heart again. Not in this lifetime.

They sat there by the fire for a few hours, Adam pressed against Ronan with his arms wrapped around him, and a towel wrapped around each of them. Eventually Matthew joined them, and they stayed up late talking about winter break plans. Adam fell asleep to the warmth of the fire combined with the warmth of Ronan's arms. He felt safe. Happy.

He only woke up to Ronan’s nudging, which was gesturing for him to stand and follow him. Adam couldn’t tell how long he’d been out, but he didn’t have the forethought to ask, only follow. Taking Ronan’s hand he was guided not upstairs to bed but outside. Bundled in dry layers, they went out into the ice cold night, stepping carefully into the snow in borrowed shoes. Ronan’s feet were bigger, which made it strange to walk, but he wasn’t about to wear his soaked through shoes in this again.

Ronan guided him out into the barn, where since their fight Ronan hung most of the paper cranes. Some even hung up now in his room, too, but for the most part they stayed in here. The few that belonged to Aurora were still there, vibrantly different in design and color, faded unlike the rest. He clung to Ronan’s arm as he felt a small quiver from the wind, his hair still a little damp at the back.

“What are we doing out here?” he said.

Quietly, Ronan walked him to the ladder that led up to the private place they went to before. Adam felt deja vu, and he didn’t like it. Last time they went up there he was overcome with guilt over his lies, and he remembered crying here and lying about that even.

“What’s this?” He stared up at the end of the ladder, where he could see some of the blankets still up there peaking out over the edge.

“It’s a ladder,” Ronan replied, to Adam’s annoyance. “You’ve seen ladders before haven’t you?”

Adam groaned, offering him a withered look. Like always, Ronan ignored it, smiling at him in spite of it.

“Why are we going back up there?” Adam asked.

“It’s a surprise,” said Ronan. He motioned for Adam to walk first, hands at his hips to guide him forward. Reluctantly, Adam agreed in silence, climbing up first to investigate. Once at the top, he saw that the rafters were now covered in flower petals, strewn across the blankets and pillows already up here, with electric candles surrounding them. It was meant to be romantic, but it was still in a barn. He turned when he was sitting on the edge.

“I told you I’m not having sex in a barn,” he said.

“But these are the rafters,” Ronan protested.

With a startling ferocity, Adam laughed despite himself. It kickstarted in his gut and rippled out from there until he was shaking to the point he had to lie back a minute. Still above him, Ronan turned and leaned down, a hand coming to run across his quivering mouth, still chuckling even as he stared up at Ronan’s sincere gaze.

“I wanted it to be special,” he said. That stopped his laughter dead in its tracks. “Something to brag about at college.”

Adam rolled his eyes as he sat up. Something shifted in Ronan as he moved to give him space, offering him more than that as he turned away.

“It was a stupid idea,” he said. “Never mind. Probably a fire hazard anyway.”

“These are fake,” Adam noted, picking up one of the candles to judge it. This little plastic thing was supposed to be romantic, but all Adam could think of was how cheesy it was and now it would get in the way if they _did_ have sex. But the fact that Ronan set this all up almost made him tear up, to think that this was meant for him. Ronan was sweet, if not a little misguided. Maybe he wanted to make new memories here, too.

“I just…. wanted it to be memorable,” he whispered.

Hearing that, Adam tilted his chin so that Ronan moved into him. He caught his gaze with a lift of his finger at his jawline, motioning for him to look up.

“It will be, no matter where it is,” he said. “Because it’s with you, dummy.”

They continued to look at one another, almost like they were sizing each other up. Staring into his eyes, Adam could see the hunger in them that he’d been staring at for months now, that want mirrored in himself. Suddenly the barn wasn’t so stupid, and he slid backward so he wasn’t hanging over the edge of the rafters anymore.

Far from the edge, he reached and tenderly kissed at Ronan, Ronan kissing back. Ronan’s reaction was tentative, visibly racked with nerves as he sensed where this was leading, hands unsure where to go and so Adam had to guide them to his waist. Under his hand he could feel the fire burning inside Ronan, his pulse chaotic at his throat. His own heart stuttered a moment when he recognized what it was they were about to do, something they hadn’t done before with anyone, not even each other. Adam found himself lying backward onto the makeshift bed, guiding Ronan down with him.

They had sex for the first time in a goddamn barn.

 It was a lot of fumbling, awkward body parts moving around. Neither of them knew what they were doing, and it was over pretty quick. They lay there at first feeling strange about it afterward. Then Ronan started kissing Adam's neck again, the spot he knew was most sensitive, and Adam unclenched and allowed himself to be taken over again by the warm feeling of Ronan all around him. The second time was better, slower. They still had no idea what they were doing but they were learning, and without the rush of nerves and firsts it was so much better the second time. 

"That was worth the wait,” Ronan breathed, when it was over. He sounded like he ran ten miles and could hardly catch his breath. All he was wearing were the sheets around his waist and the bracelet Adam made him.

Adam nodded in agreement to what he said, equally breathless and overheated. His skin should be cold, but he was sweating. He swallowed, finding his throat had gone dry, as he lay there staring up at the knots in the wood above them.

"That'll be $50." His hand reached over and slapped at Ronan's bare chest. When he heard no response, he looked over to find him staring back, frowning. His lips curled up into a smirk. "Too soon?" he said.

Ronan rolled his eyes as he simultaneously rolled onto him, straddling him with a groan. "You fucking asshole," he said with a laugh. Adam laughed too, as Ronan pinned both his arms above his head. "I hate you."

"You love me."

"Yeah," Ronan said, playfully reluctant. His expression then softened completely, no longer hiding behind any other false feeling. There he was, openly showing his love and adoration. He stared at him with such earnest expression Adam felt dizzy looking at him. "I guess I really do."

Sparked by their playfulness, Adam stretched upward and kissed him, bringing him back down with him with a bite to his lower lip. His hands were then released to do what they will, and they came to trail along the back of Ronan's skull, down to his nape and then further to his bare shoulders. There he was, real and his.

"I love you too," he said. "So much I just had sex with you in a barn. You fucking farmer."

Ronan's laugh was his favorite thing to hear in the whole world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi thank you all so much for reading this and enjoying it i hope the end and the whole journey were satisfying i love you all <3
> 
> please leave kudos and feedback/comments letting me know what you think. maybe even a line or something you liked from the fic (it doesn't have to be from this chapter. anything you remember (: i would love it sm)
> 
> it's been real!!!!!!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr at cabeswatergreywaren or twitter at adam__parrish !
> 
> p.s. i hope it's ok i included the vaguest of vague sex reference in a T fic? :s


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